The Official Dalton Academy Warblers Handbook
Compiled by Wesley Kim
With an Introduction by David Bryant and Thad Hamilton
The Warblers have a long and rich history, dating back to the founding of Dalton Academy in 1805. Unfortunately, due to some rather naïve beliefs about proper young men, supervision and their access to both flammable materials and accelerants, much of the history prior to 1929 is sadly lost to all history save some traditions that have been handed down from Warbler to Warbler.
Oral tradition is a valuable and highly honored form of communication dating back further than our uninterrupted line of warblers, and it is a tradition that has served us well. However, it has come to the attention of the current Warblers' Council that there are certain advantages to breaking with tradition and organizing all our traditions and rules in one place for the sake of posterity. This shall serve as a written reminder of all that our Warbler forefathers have experienced, and is intended to be a guide for all the Warblers in the future. For this Council's immediate purposes, however, the reason for writing this is mainly so a certain countertenor can stop claiming the Council is just making up their objections based on "fear of being fabulous."
(And it gives a certain Council President something to obsess over now that competition season is over and quite frankly this was the only way to get that gavel out of his hand even temporarily. Please see Proper Gavel Procedures. The Warblers responsible for writing this portion of the Handbook would like to stress that they had nothing to do with that section. At all. We have normal and healthy feelings towards gavels.)
Right. Back to why this handbook is needed. (And please do not show Wes this part until after it's published ok? Please? Gavels hurt when they're thrown we'll have you know.)
To compile this handbook, we have consulted every surviving written document of Warbler history, and interviewed many alumni who were reported to be witnesses to the event whenever possible, and scoured the Westerfield public records to ensure its accuracy. In this process, we have personally gained a newfound appreciation for the Warbler tradition, and have learned many things that have been either forgotten or deemed unimportant by previous Councils. For example, we have had to move President James A. Garfield up on our list of Greatest Presidents upon learning he had once been a fellow Warbler (He would have been number one but the Garfield Stipulation, which will be explained later, caused such a debate we placed him fourth. Warbler Jeff is very sensitive and couldn't stand the fighting any more). Such an omission from history should never happen again. After all, if we forget our history, it's just a short walk to accompanying ourselves with kazoos. Again. Indeed, wasn't the Great Kazoo Disaster of 1934 just a lesson for us all? We think it was.
So it is our fervent hope that all current and future Warblers will commit this handbook to memory and understand there are very valid reasons for the way the Council runs the group. Of course, we cannot predict the future (certain members being fashion-forward or not, that is not the same as being psychic, neither is predicting certain Warblers romantic involvement. That's called paying attention) so we have included a way of amending this handbook should the need arise for addendums. Following the example of the United States Congress (although hopefully, without the scandal and the corruption), the measure must pass the two-thirds majority needed of the current membership and the alumni board.
Also, please note that it is mandatory to sign the statement at the end of the book verifying that you have, in fact, completed reading it which states that you agree to abide by all the rules listed within, in addition to any addendums made in the future. It must be said that after an unspecified time in which a new Warbler is instated, there will be a test, the means by which new Warbler is tested is left up to the discretion of the Warbler's Council (Note, again the authors of this section wish to reiterate that the previous statement was added under duress. Gavels. They hurt).
-David Bryant (Historian, Warblers Council 2010-2011) and Thad Hamilton (Vice President, Warblers Council 2010-2011)
Author's note: this is the crackiest thing i've ever done.