Summary: In an effort to uncover a streaker, Sakura goes undercover at an adult video store, and learns more about her fellow rookies than she would have preferred.

Adult Video

by Bullwinkle's Lady

"What is this secret mission about, Tsunade-sama?" said Sakura, unable to conceal the excitement in her voice. At eighteen, she'd never been offered a solo mission before and – judging by the Hokage's grave expression – certainly not one as serious as this one. She stood before Tsunade's desk, tense arms at her flanks.

"I'm afraid we've got a streaker on her hands," said Tsunade.

Sakrua blinked. "Uh – what?"

Opening a folder, Tsunade pulled out a large photograph and displayed it to her.

"Gah!" said Sakura, covering her face with her hands, but she'd already gotten an eye-full. It was a picture of a man shrouded in shadows, his trench coat pulled open to reveal his pale, naked body. His face was indecipherable, and his...his member...

"What's going on with his penis?" Sakrua asked, peeking at it through her fingers.

Tsunade lowered the photo. "That's his MO: A glow-in-the-dark condom. Conveniently enough, they can only be found at the adult video store in the town square."

Sakura was blushing profusely. "Who on earth got that picture?"

"That's confidential information, Haruno. The streaker is still at large. We need to station someone undercover at the store. This will be considered an A-class mission."

Sakura lowered her arms. As controversial as it was...a successful A-class mission would look good on her resume. "I'm in," she said.

Within the next twenty-four hours, Sakura got such a substantial makeover, even she was dubious of her reflection. She was fitted with a cropped black wig, rectangular glasses, a black and white striped bustier, and a leather mini-skirt. Between that, the fishnet, and the platform heels, she was having a bit of trouble moving around.

Luckily for her, she was stationed behind a cash register.

Her first shift started early on a Saturday morning. The store was empty. Smiling impishly to herself, Sakura wondered what kind of freak-show would buy porno in daylight. She hoped she didn't see anyone she knew there – like Jiraya-san, for one. That would be awkward.

Sakura walked around the store just to familiarize herself with the set-up, but making sure not to touch anything. She had expected to find a depraved little collection of dusty old flicks, but was surprised by the expansive collection the store boasted.

Shelves upon shelves of porno congested the room. Among them, she saw titles like: 101 Masturbations, Austin Prowler, Throbbin' Hood, and For Your Thighs Only. Sakura snorted in disgust, before coming across even odder titles like Big Cock Rock, Cock Lee, and even Pootay and the Beautiful Green Beast. She wrinkled her nose. How bizarre.

Along the walls was every sex toy imaginable – and even some that weren't. She saw dildos, butt plugs, whips, leashes, vibrators, strap-ons, hand-cuffs, chains, lube, tassels, flails, shackles, jumper cables, syringes, ball gags, hypno-glasses, penis pumps, blow-up dolls, nipple clamps, and a variety of things she couldn't and didn't want to identify.

Shuddering to herself, Sakura finally approached the condom collection.

The condoms seemed to come in all different colors, flavors, and textures. She eyed the neon-green package of the glow-in-the-dark ones and shook her head.

In the very back of the store were dark, curtained video-booths, where patrons could "sample" the merchandise. Her skin crawling, Sakura tried not to imagine what transpired in those.

Working her way back to the front of the store in her dangerously tight outfit, she slid behind the register and waited, absently drumming her fingers upon the scanner. Not five minutes passed before the door chimed, signaling the entrance of her first customer.

On a Saturday morning? Really? Sakura wondered. She craned her neck to see who it was, but the figure was too fast, darting into the shelves and navigating through them as fluidly as if he lived there. Another shudder rolled down Sakura's spine. Crossing her legs, she patiently waited for the mystery man to finish shopping.

"How much is this?"

Sakrua jumped. Her customer had managed to sneak up on her. She glanced up at the spiked whip being presented to her, then at her customer. Her eyes met with Hyuuga Hinata's blank ones. Turning blue, Sakura opened and closed her mouth several times.

"Are you okay?" Hinata asked, looking concerned.

"T-Twelve fifty," Sakura sputtered.

Hinata pulled some notes out of her cleavage, and Sakura quickly passed her some change.

Blushing cutely, Hinata hurried off with her whip.

Sakura spent the rest of the morning lost between shock and skepticism, all the while wondering how Hyuuga Hinata could be getting more action than her.

By the afternoon, business was picking up. Sakura noticed Sasuke walk in-


She released an extraterrestrial squeak.

Giving her a glance, Sasuke paid her no mind, and strolled over to the foot-fetish section. In his wake a couple entered the store hand in hand.

Kisame and Moegi.

Sakura continued to open and close her mouth, looking much like a suffocating blowfish. She reached for a kunai on her weapons holster, but froze.

She had to stay undercover. Going off on tangents could compromise the whole mission.

She oogled the couple.

But was it

She speechlessly watched Kisame whisper something into Moegi's ear, deriving a giggle from the girl's lips.

"Oh, look at those!" said Moegi, dragging Kisame off to check out some fluffy pink handcuffs.

The door chimed again, and Sakura reluctantly turned to see who it was.

Her eyes widened at the suspicious-looking figure donning a black trench coat and shades, but she cocked her head that the spiky blonde hair.


Looking incredibly conspicuous, the blonde scurried over to the wall-o'-condoms, his hand hovering over the glow-in-the-dark ones for a moment. Seeming to change his mind, he instead grabbed several packs of the buffalo-skinned variety, and Sakura could only twitch.

Still glancing around in paranoia, Naruto sauntered off to check out some new releases.

Moegi and Kisame, meanwhile, were having a playful sword fight with some butt plugs, and Sasuke was experimentally swinging a flail.

"Yes...oh yes," said the Uchiha.

Sakura fought the urge to crawl under the register.

The door chimed again, and Neji and Kiba entered, immersed in a discussion about a new porno flick they both wanted to see. They branched off as they crossed the store, Kiba hurrying into the bestiality section. Neji slipped into one of the booths in the back of the store, and didn't come out for a very long time!

Sakura was close to tears. She didn't know how she survived the rest of the week.

Sasuke was a regular, and usually stopped by once or twice a day. His latest purchase was an Atlantian blow-up doll.

Kiba's perverted chuckles echoed throughout the store day and night. He was buying out all the bestiality movies, and Sakura was pretty sure that Rock Lee starred in a couple of them!

Even Ino had stopped by a number of times for gianormous dildos! The blonde always called her things like "sweet cheeks" and "sugar tush."

"I feel so dirty!" Sakura cried one night after the last customer had left.

Or so she'd thought. Someone slapped a single pack of glow-in-the-dark condoms onto the register.

Her face tear-streaked, Sakura looked up. "YOU!" she shrieked.

She was face to face with Sabaku no Gaara. Her jaw hung slack.


"...urk," was all Sakura could manage.

"Is there a problem?"

"N-no, no of – course not," Sakura stammered, ringing Gaara up and packaging his purchase. She eyed his sand gourde as he began to leave.

But Gaara looked over his shoulder and turned back to her one last time. He didn't wink, or waggle his eyebrows, nor did he make a witty or inappropriate remark, as one would expect he would as such a perfect closing.

He simply tore open his trench coat and flashed her. Sakura stared for a full five seconds.

"Gah!" she shrieked.

With that, Gaara closed his trench coat and walked away. The door innocently chimed with his exit, and Sakura blankly stared after him for a while.

"Fuck my life."