This was supposed to be a proposal one-shot... Don't ask me how this story happened, because I honestly have no idea.
Disclaimer: Do I own Degrassi? No. But if I did, Adam and Fiona would stay together forever. Eclare would get married. Oh! And Zane and Sav would be the stars of the show, because I love them so much. So, if that ever happens, you'll know who owns Degrassi. Got it?
Okay, then. :)
He was going to lose her.
He felt it.
Eli could feel her slipping away and he felt helpless. He knew that he was messed and he didn't blame her for distancing herself, but it was a stab in the heart when she turned him down on date night or told him 'no thanks' when he asked her to dinner. It pained him to see that she wasn't happy with him, he didn't blame her, but still.
He grew desperate. Eli texted her, asking her how her day was. He called her, just wanting to know if she was okay. He showed up at her doorstep, wondering if she wanted to take a walk with him. She responded with an, 'It was okay.' or an 'I'm fine' and a 'Maybe later.'
Eli felt like his heart was being ripped out everyday. She would barely look at him and when she did, it would be dull and emotionless. But then, he'd see her with some of her other friends and she'd be laughing, having a great time. And he'd be stuck watching her, wondering what the hell he did.
And after weeks of asking her on dates, she finally agreed. Eli had the date all planned out. He would take Clare to the abandoned church, the place that they had made love for the first time. And he would pack food for a picnic and he'd charm her into falling in love with him again. They'd maybe make love with passion and kiss like they were the only ones in the world.
He was convinced that it would work.
"So..." Eli started, not being able to think of anything to say. Clare just ate silently and looked bored.
"The sandwiches are delicious." Clare spoke clearly, in a tone that suggested that she'd rather be somewhere else.
"Thanks!" Eli exclaimed and he grabbed on to her sentence like a lifeline, hoping to start a conversation. "I wasn't sure is you wanted grape jelly or blueberry or-"
Clare sighed loudly and Eli cut off his sentence and stared at her. Clare continued to look bored out of her mind as she chewed her sandwich. He watched her tongue sweep across her lips and wipe off the small crumbs that were there. He watched her tuck her curly hair behind her small ear and silently wished that he could have been the one to do that. He felt his heart thump pathetically at just the sight of her and it killed him to know that she probably didn't get that feeling when she looked at him.
"But yeah, I chose strawberry in the end. Because you once told me that when you were little, your mom used to make you sandwiches with strawberry jelly, so I thought that you might like that." Eli said weakly and gave Clare a sorrowful look, but she continued to stare in the distance, barely showing him any attention.
Suddenly, Eli stood up, wiped the crumbs off from his lap, and crouched down and started to throw things into the picnic basket. Clare said nothing and stared at him in confusion. Eli ignored her stare and crammed the stuff into the box so that everything fit.
"Lets go." Eli muttered and stood up, not looking Clare in the eye.
"What? Why?" Clare asked, standing up as well. She walked a little closer to Eli, with the leaves crunching underneath her.
"Obviously you don't want to be here and I don't want to waste your time." He said coldly and began to walk away, with the picnic basket in hand.
After a couple of steps he felt Clare grab onto his wrist and he froze, sinking into the sweetness of her touch. He missed that touch so much and he hadn't realized how much until then. He missed her small fingers making shapes in his palms and the smoothness of her fingernails as they swept over his callused skin. He missed the feeling of her skin against his, the warm skin against his cold, the soft against his hard, and the light against his dark. Oh, he did more than miss it. He longed and desired it. He needed her touch like water. Her touch was essential for his existence and he was sure that she didn't understand that. If she did, they wouldn't be in this mess.
And because she didn't know how much she meant to him, he pulled his hand away roughly, hearing her gasp in the process. Eli began to walk again and the crunch of leaves underneath his shoes encouraged him. Maybe because he could barely hear the small whimpers and sobs coming out of the girl behind him because of it.
"What's your problem?" Clare shouted behind him.
Eli stopped abruptly and slowly put down the basket and ever-so quietly did he turn around.
"My problem?" Eli asked, trying to control himself. Clare nodded and he gave out a humorless laugh. "I don't have a problem, Clare! You're the one with the problem." And with that, he picked up the basket and started to walk away.
"What did I do?" Her quiet voice interrupted his walking and once again he stopped.
And he snapped. He felt all the pain and anger that he had felt over the past two months. He felt the tears that he had cried, come back and roll down his face. He dropped the basket once again and spun around to face the girl that had caused him all this grief.
"You did nothing! " Eli screamed out, startling her, and he slowly walked towards her. "But that's the thing! You don't do anything. I feel like I'm dating a brick wall. While I give you everything of me, you just stand there and do nothing. And I can't do that anymore. I can't be apart of something where I'm the only one giving. I can't come home everyday and feel like I've been hit by a truck just because you don't talk to me. I can't fucking do that anymore. I just can't."
Eli stood there, panting in front of her and waited for a response from her. He waited for anything, just wanting something. But her mouth stayed shut and her eyes remained cold. Eli sighed and walked even closer to her.
"Do you even care about me? Do you love me anymore? Do you miss me when I'm gone? Or am I the only one who gives a damn in this relationship?" Eli whispered this and he felt his heart being thrown on the ground, preparing to be stepped on.
And he waited. He waited and hoped for an 'I love you' or an 'I'm sorry.' or even an 'It's not you, it's me.' He just wanted anything. He just wanted the girl to show him emotion because as much as he loved her, he could no longer wait. It was putting too much pain on his shoulders. It was becoming a permanent ache on his body and he couldn't take the pain anymore. He just needed an answer.
But she stayed silent and he took that as her final answer.
He smiled grimly and nodded his head in defeat and started walking. And this time, she didn't call him back.
(One Month Later)
He sat on his bed and had his copy of The Waves by Virginia Woolf in front of him. He tried to focus on the book but his focus kept slipping and he'd end up thinking about things that he truly didn't want to think about. The words didn't register and the sentences started running together, and after a while, Eli just closed the book up and laid back with a huff.
That was the only good thing about not being able to sleep. He caught up with his reading.
And now, without reading as an option, he had no idea what to do.
Eli sighed and brushed his fingers through his hair, irritated that he couldn't focus. He had often gone into these moods, especially in the last month, where he just didn't care. He was either distracted or too focused on what he was working on. He didn't have that balance that he had. He didn't have that medium that he had when she was with him.
Ever since that day at the abandoned church, they didn't talk. They passed by each other like they were strangers and not like they had dated a whole year. And that's the part that killed Eli. He could deal with the awkward break-up stage and the pretend-to-be-friends stage, but he hated the lets-pretend-we-never-happened thing that they were doing. Because they did happen. They were together. They watched each other become and fall apart. They had seen the darkest and deepest parts of each other and Eli couldn't forget that. He couldn't forget the person that he had fallen so in love with. And even though they had broken up, Eli would have given anything for her to just say hi to him. He would give his right leg just for her to notice him.
But she never did.
And he hated it.
Because he noticed her.
Eli sighed and felt angry at himself. He couldn't think about her. He couldn't-.
The doorbell rang.
He sat up slowly and glanced at the clock beside him and it was nearly three in the morning. Who in there right mind would visit someone at three in the morning, on a Sunday? The doorbell rang again and Eli grumbled before stepping out of bed and slipping down the stairs. Once Eli was downstairs, he stood in front of the door and looked out at the window that was on the door. He couldn't see anything but opened the door anyway.
He couldn't see anything but darkness, but once his eyes adjusted, he saw the figure that stood in front of him.
Eli stood there numbly, unsure of what to do. She stood there shivering, without a coat on.
"I read Goodnight Moon." Clare declared and Eli stepped aside for her to come in so she could warm up.
"What?" Eli finally croaked, unable to comprehend that she was there in his hallway. Her curls were messed up because of the wind and he felt the urge to run his fingers through them.
"Goodnight Moon. The book. I read it." She said, rubbing her hands on her arms, trying to warm herself up. Eli didn't answer so she went on. "You know, 'The cow jumping over the moon and there were three little bears, sitting on chairs' and then it says something about two kittens."
Eli was barely listening to her. He still couldn't believe that the girl that haunted his every thought was now in his house.
"Why?" He finally rasped out. He remembered talking to her about it, along with many other things.
"You told me, maybe a month ago, I'm not sure, that CeCe used to read that book to you and when she went on business trips, Bullfrog would read it to you and would tell you to pretend that your mom was reading it." Clare said softly, looking at Eli with a sincere look in her eye. "And I was in the bookstore the other day and I saw it and I thought of you."
He remembered telling her this, he remembered telling her everything, knowing that she'd care. Eli stayed silent, not trusting himself to speak.
"I guess what I'm telling you is that I miss you."
A spark lit up in Eli's body and set his once cold body on fire. The fire spread throughout his body and lit up and blew up every single part of him. He felt warm and felt like he was flying. Those were the words that he wanted to come out of her mouth for such a long time. And here she was, saying those words as if she meant them. He couldn't believe that she was standing here, not even four feet away from him. Eli forgot that the girl standing in front of him was the one who broke his heart. He forgot that she had left him to himself. He forgot everything and couldn't help but notice how beautiful she looked and how much he missed her.
In that moment, Eli walked forward, captured her hips in his hands and kissed her. Their lips pressed together harshly and they moved together fluidly, as if they were the ocean. Their hands roamed each others bodies, both were unable to get used to that spark. Their breathing was labored and it was coming out in short pants, but they didn't stop.
They couldn't stop.
Her lips were like sweet candy. They were lovely and mesmerizing and he couldn't get enough of them. He want to kiss her forever. The groans and moans that were coming out of her mouth made him melt into oblivion and he was pretty sure that it was impossible for him to get back up and become solid again. She tugged on his roots and that sent a feeling of shock to run through his already electrified body. She nibbled on his bruised lips and he pushed her against the cold wall.
God, he wanted her for forever.
Eli began to suck and nibble on her neck with enthusiasm and Clare tugged on his black shirt. He stopped his tender ministrations on her neck and helped her pull off his shirt. He threw his shirt on the ground and turned around to face her again. Eli ran his hands under her shirt and began to pull her shirt up. Clare lifted her arms and he pulled the shirt off of her trembling body. She was left in her pink bra and Eli rested his head in the crook of her neck and started to unclasp her bra.
Once her bra was off, Eli stepped out of his black boxers and then sweetly pulled off Clare's pants and underwear.
They both stood still, both naked. Time had stopped for them. It had been so long since they had had contact with each other or even looked at each other. They stared at each other with hunger that was as pure as it could get. Their gazes never left each other.
Clare was the first to step forward and she walked slowly to him. She stood in front of him and she ran her fingers down his chest, loving the feeling of his skin underneath hers. And Eli watched her. He watched her concentrated expression. She was biting her lip and her blue eyes were light and bright.
A scary feeling trembled in his body, making him weak in the knees. Eli knew what it was at once.
"Clare." Eli rasped out, his voice cracked. Clare looked up in surprise and her blue eyes, once again, shocked him from his head-to-toe. "I love you."
And with that, Eli lightly pushed her on the cold wall again. Their bodies trembled against each other and bodies felt like they were being melted together. They felt like they were being burned but were just left with the affect of being warm. Their breath danced together and their hands fused together.
And when Eli wrapped her legs around his waist and slowly thrust into her heat, they felt their beings melting and cooling together. They felt like they were one instead of being two. The world felt like it had stopped spinning and it felt like everything had stopped. Everything felt like it was about them and all they could see was each other.
Clare rested her forehead on his shoulder and felt as if she were home. His clean smell comforted her nostrils and soothed the conflict going inside of her head. She had missed his touches and the way his body felt against hers. She missed the feel of his muscles twitching underneath her finger tips. She missed the feeling that she would get when she would grip tightly onto his back. She felt protected and loved, something that she hadn't felt in a while.
And Eli continued to push into her. He felt her heartbeat against his sweaty chest and he bent his head down to kiss her breast ever-so gently. The feel of her skin on his lips and the taste of her sweet skin made him shiver slightly. He didn't know how he had survived this long without her. He honestly didn't know how he survived not hearing her voice. With her panting in his ear, he didn't know what he'd do if she ever left his side again. He'd probably crumble and fall into a million different pieces.
Once they had both reached their finish, Eli kissed her neck and let his breath saturate her shoulder. He felt his heart beating rapidly and he knew that it would never beat that fast for anyone else.
"Why?" Eli gasped out. He was gripping her tightly and he felt her body shaking against him. His forehead rested in the crook of her neck. "Why did you let me walk away?"
Clare bowed her head and placed her chin on the top of Eli's head. "We were becoming too dependent on each other. We would end up resenting each other, and I didn't want that. I didn't want you to hate me." She whispered this as tears slowly came down her face and Eli glanced up, with a small smile on his lips.
"That's why? That's why you barely spoke to me the last month that we were dating? That's why?"
Clare gave a simple nod and Eli smiled with relief.
"Oh, Clare Edwards, you silly girl." He continued to smile and his once tense body was relaxed. He nuzzled into her neck and took in her sweet scent.
"What? It happened to my parents. It happens to people all the time. People get too dependent on each other and BOOM -They hate each other."
Eli lifted up his head and glanced at her. "I could never hate you, Clare. That would be impossible."
And with that, he lifted her um bridal-style and carried her upstairs and set her gently on the bed. He crawled up against her and she rested her cheek against his slight chest, and then slowly drifted off to sleep. Eli ran his fingers through her soft curls, just like he had wanted to do for the past month. Her sweet sighs that came from her mouth, soothed him to sleep. But before his eyes closed for the night-morning-he caught a glimpse of the book. It sat in his bookshelf, in the way back, behind Moby Dick. Eli smiled and closed his eyes, drifting off to a dreamland consisting only of the girl in his arms.
I wrote the whole second part, okay? And then, AND THEN, I pressed save and NOTHING SAVED. :( '
I honestly sat at my computer desk for at least an hour, cursing. I ws so proud of it! And this...this new part is complete crap.
Review? Maybe tell me how crappy this is? That would be wonderful.