The Rom-com of Haruhi Suzumiya

Chapter 1: The beginning of the end

I was trying to enjoy my morning hike to school, and I was actually getting quite into it, that is, until Taniguchi, idiot that he is, broke my walking rhythm (if that actually is a thing- tell me if it is, I'm sure I got into one).

"Hey, Kyon, what's up?"

"Hi, Taniguchi. Nothing's up... why, you think there was?"

"Well, yeah. Your face is all... sad-looking."

"If you remember rightly that's how I always look." I cynically replied in a vague attempt to end the conversation.

"Man, I wish I could walk with Miss Asakura... she always smiled. Why'd she have to leave?"

Resisting the urge to say "She's an alien that tried to kill me and would've succeeded if Nagato hadn't saved my life." I simply remained silent. Then, the dumbass within me poked a hole in my mouth, and I happened to make sounds that could've been interpreted as;

"She was double-A plus, eh Taniguchi."

"Hell yes, sir! Oh, man, I wish that she was here. I would've asked her out sooner if I knew she would have gone so soon in the term..."

I tried to recover from my stupidity of getting him into a sexist debate, but failed.

"So, how would you rate Haruhi?"

"Miss Suzumiya? If she wasn't so weird, I'd give her an A... yeah, she's an A."

"Hmph. And I know that Nagato's an A minus for you, right? How about Miss Tsuruya?"

"Ha, her! Man, she's hyper! I'd give her a B plus! Hell, if she didn't have that annoying lisp-thing, I'd give her an A minus too!"

Is there anyone who stands a chance of getting lower than a B in Taniguchi's books that I'd know? Damn, that means that either Taniguchi's standards are low or I have a tendency to be surrounded by beautiful girls... not that I have a problem with either explanation.

"And what about... Miss Asahina?"

Taniguchi went red. "Um... her... well, ha, you see, Kyon, when I see her I always go totally bonkers, but she's totally unobtainable, man! I wish I were you, Kyon- she trusts you but she's, like totally afraid of me."

Is it any wonder? I know I'm a bit of a perv sometimes, but you make me look like a saint. Maybe, Taniguchi, if you were just a little more tactful, and a little less in your face, maybe girls will like you.

Oh, and Taniguchi, don't wolf-whistle. That's just dumb.

"Kyon? What are you thinking? Come on, spit it out."

Damn it.

Due to not wanting to hurt the macho, yet clearly innocent guys feelings, I said, "I'm just wondering what Haruhi is gonna force us to do next... that's all."

"You and Miss Suzumiya are a good couple, you know that?"

Shut up, that's what every fan of Haruhi Suzimiya thinks. Wait, I can break the fourth wall in my thoughts?

"Shut up." I said in some kind of attempt at a come-back.

"Ha, deny it all you want, buddy, but you and Suzumiya are an item. She doesn't treat you like any other guy."

"She treats me like I'm her employee!"

And speaking of which, I want some pay for when I bought the SOS brigade lunch but Koizumi was the last to meet up.

"Whatever, bro. Anyway, see ya."

It's strange how, when you are lost in conversation, no matter how inane and pointless it is, you always find yourself further along where you were going than you expected to be. Right now, I was in the shoe locker room after what seemed like two minutes of talking with Taniguchi.

I put my shoes in the locker, and, surprise, surprise, Koizumi is there.

"Hey Koizumi."

"Hello to you too. Say, what do you reckon Miss Suzumiya has planned for us today?"

Did he just say my previous thoughts out loud? Damn it Koizumi, if you're an esper in closed space and a psychic in regular conditions, I'm gonna punch you for lying to me.

"Who knows? Say, you're crazy about her and her god-like powers, you must have some insight into her crazy personality."

"Yes, I do. But not as much as you of course." Koizumi replied, and then smiled in that gleeful, irritating way that he does, "I asked you because I thought you would have more insight than me into Miss Suzumiya's eccentric behaviour."

"Well, I've drawn a blank. Whatever it is... it's gonna be weird."

Koizumi just laughed. What the hell was so funny? "Even I could have deduced that much."

Class was... class. As much as I hate to admit it, it was a good thing the SOS Brigade existed. It's a more fun way to spend time after school than studying. I mean, how psyched am I meant to get over Statistics? Apparently lots, seen as that's what our class did for the Arts festival.

Haruhi didn't say much to me over the day, but I did hear her laughing to herself a couple of times. This frightened me... she usually blurts out whatever she has in mind to entertain herself right in the middle of a lesson.

Haruhi quietly said when lunch began, "Go to the club room, Kyon. I have a surprise for you."

A surprise. I'm worried. Is it a time travelling esper alien? Is it a huge-ass camel cricket in symbiosis with the internet? What is it? Damn, this is scary.

So I walked to club room, alongside Haruhi, with legs like blancmange. Haruhi was grinning the whole way.

When I opened the door, I recoiled in shock. It was Taniguchi, Kunikida, and Miss Tsuruya.

"What do you think, Kyon? They're our new permanent members! I figured seen as they've been so helpful that they deserved to be part of the Brigade!" Haruhi joyfully proclaimed.

I don't believe it. How did Haruhi get them all to join? Well, Tsuruya would probably join anyway, but Taniguchi and Kunikida? How?

Tsuruya, hyperactive as ever, shouted "Hey, Kyon, Haruhi like, totally let me join the club! I'm like, totally ecstatic, megas! Apparently I'm mascot number 2!"

That's not good. That means that poor Miss Tsuruya is going to have to go through all the trauma Miss Asahina goes through. Speaking of Mikuru, where is she?

Haruhi, overjoyed, said, "Yeah, I thought that Mikuru could do with a break every once in a while, so Tsuraya is kind of like her back-up girl! Now, Tsuruya, do you want to put on your first outfit? This one's a maid outfit!" and then grabbed a less busty maid outfit from some shopping bags.

Tsuruya looked confused, and then said, "Like, totally cool! Is there a place I can change?"

"You'll change here." Haruhi bluntly replied. "Now, now, boys, get out!"

Excellent, a chance to ask Taniguchi and Kunikida why they joined.

Upon walking out of the room, I seized my opportunity.

"Okay, why did you agree to this?"

Taniguchi, being the loud one in this seemingly comedic pairing, spoke first.

"Ha, Miss Suzumiya said that if I wanted to hang out with Miss Asahina, that I should just join the SOS Brigade! So I did!"

Kunikida then followed by saying, "I'm quite interested in what you guys do all day. I'm gonna enjoy finding out!"

I smiled wryly. The shouting and less protesting yells from Miss Tsuruya had stopped, and Haruhi's voice shouted, "Come in!"

Naturally, when we did, Taniguchi took instantly to drooling over Tsuraya's outfit. Not that it wasn't a fine sight indeed...

Shortly after, the three usual but strangely absent Brigade Members appeared, each with their own excuses.

Koizumi's was 'work'. Mikuru's was... 'chores'. Yuki's was 'paying the rent'. Wait, they went home to do their errands, and then came back to school just to do SOS Brigade stuff? Something's wrong...

Koizumi grinned, as usual, and said casually, "I see the clubroom is unusually full." he then proceeded to lean towards me and whisper, "There's something serious I wanna talk about. Miss Suzumiya... she's planning some kind of romantic comedy scenario... that's all."

That explains why Haruhi wanted Taniguchi and Kunikida. With four male members, and four female members, then a romantic comedy is ideal. Four pairings. Damn it. This means I end up with Haruhi, doesn't it?

"So, she's planning to hook everyone up?"

"Precisely. I don't know which way she'll pair us, but whatever she does, we must play along too... she is quite enthusiastic about this. There is one pairing I do know though..."

"...don't say it."

"Face it, she loves you. That's what she wants to get from this. She has been ever since she recognized you as a younger, similar guy to a certain 'John Smith'."

"I hate you."

"Now, that was uncalled for, although I know you don't mean it. Anyway, we should end our discussion... your friend approaches."

Taniguchi interrupted, and said, "Hey, Kyon, what are you and Koizumi talking about? Girls? You'd best be! Hey, Koizumi, how would you rank the girls here?"

Koizumi looked genuinely confused, as if he'd never given thought on the subject.

"How do you rank? Arbitrary units?"

"No, a letter. A for good, F for Bad."

"Oh." Koizumi then laughed and smiled. "Well, Miss Nagato is an A, Miss Asahina is an A also, Miss Suzimiya is an A plus, and Miss Tsuruya is an A."

Was he seriously playing along with this? And what's with the high ranking of Haruhi, Koizumi?

"Heh, so you have a thing for all the girls here, eh? You could get 'em all Koizumi, as much as I hate to admit it!"

"You think so?" Koizumi replied in mock surprise, "Well, I should get my dating game on then, shouldn't I?"

Haruhi stamped her feet to end the various conversations around the room, and announced:

Fanfare please. "Now that everyone's here, the SOS Brigade shall do... searches for the weird and wonderful, starting first thing tomorrow! I have a new way of selecting teams, and they'll all be pairs from now on! So, let's cheer!"

Everyone unenthusiastically cheered (except for Koizumi, who always cheers enthusiastically, and Nagato, who merely continued to read her book) and the day ended there.

Author's note: Review please! This is my first chronological (not one-shot) Fanfic, so please do a well-rounded critique! So, hope you enjoyed!

Update: Thank you Secret base! Saving my Fanfic from spelling damnation!