Title: DADA Profs that Voldy is Glad They Never Hired
Author: Luna (aka Luna_del_Cielo on lj)
Fandom: Multi-verse (Note: FFnet does not have a multi-verse category so this story has been placed soley in 'HP'.)
Rating: M. Expect cursing, character death & dismemberment, distubing (although hilarious!) mental images, and all sorts of madness. But probably not all at once.
Summary: 20 DADA profs that Voldy is glad Hogwarts never hired…and a few he's glad they did.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the shows/movies/comics whose characters I am using. In fact, right here and now I am saying that I do not own the following people:
TThe 20 DADA Profs that Voldy is Glad They Never Hired: Future chapters will possibly include:
1. Tyler Durden (Fight Club)
2. Tony Soprano (The Sopranos)
3. Dexter (Dexter)
4. The Joker (The Dark Knight)
5. Emma (Jane Austen's Emma)
6. Sherlock Holmes (2009 movie version)
7. Anita Blake (Anita Blake)
8. Professor Brock Samson (Venture Brothers)
9. Red Foreman (That 70s Show)
10. Criss Angel (Mindfreak)
11. Connor and Murphy MacManus (Boondock Saints)
Chuck Norris (If you don't know him he will roundhouse kick you)
Darth Vader (Star Wars)
Conan O'Brien (Conan O'Brien show)
Stabler (Law & Order: SVU)
Stewie Griffin (Family Guy)
Eric Cartman (South Park)
Uncle Iroh (Avatar: The Last Airbender)
Titus Pullo (Rome)
Jules Cobb (Cougar Town)
Frodo Baggins (The Lord of the Rings)
Coyote (Looney Tunes)
King Leonidas (300)
James Bond (007)
Future chapters will possibly include:
It was Harry Potter's sixth year at Hogwarts and he, like the rest of his classmates, was anxiously waiting for their newest Defense Against the Dark Arts professor to enter the classroom. Whoever this new professor was they had missed the Feast the previous day so no one knew who he was yet.
"I saw him in the hallway – oh he's hot!" giggled Lavender Brown.
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Honestly, you cannot think that a professor is attractive. That's very unbecoming," she sniffed.
The door banged open and a lean, muscled man with tan features strode into the room. He made his way to the teacher's desk and hopped onto it casually. Hermione let out a whimper and sighed, along with every other Gryffindor and Slytherin female, as he ran a hand through his tousled blonde hair. Lighting a cigarette and taking a quick inhale of smoke, he spoke.
"So. I'm Professor-" he snorted "-Durden. Dumbles heard about me from America and thought I'd be a good fit so I could toughen you kids up for this Dark Lord that's trying to fuck shit up."
Several students gasped and the boys all shared looks of interest at this new professor.
"So yeah. Welcome to Defense Against Damn Assholes, kiddies. Time to learn how to protect yourselves." Then he gave them a slow smile, as if he were relishing the moment.
"Professor?" Hermione asked eagerly with blushed cheeks that indicated she agreed with Lavender's crass announcement from earlier. "What books will we need? There wasn't one on the assignment list."
Professor Durden began laughing. "Books are for punk ass bitches. We don't need no books in here."
A cheer went through the room from everyone – except Hermione whose cheeks were now flushed with anger.
"Now, first rule about DADA is: You do not talk about DADA."
"Why?" Hermione immediately asked.
"Rule number two," the professor went on, ignoring her. "You DO NOT talk about DADA!"
Everyone nodded at the intensity in his voice.
"Good. Now, everyone get up. We're gonna fight."
"Fight?" Draco Malfoy inquired snootily. "You mean duel, don't you?"
"Duel?" Professor Durden scoffed. "What kind of pussy word is that. No, we're gonna fight. And you're first, blondie."
Draco's shoulders squared and he gave the professor a haughty look. "Alright then. Who? Potter, perhaps?" he sneered.
The professor shrugged. "Potter, step on up!"
"What?" Harry asked in surprise. Then he saw the glint of amusement in Draco's eye and he felt his stomach tighten in anger. "Alright then," he muttered with a mocking smile.
Professor Durden was about to issue commands when he eyed Draco's wand. "What's that stick for?"
"Stick! It's a wand. What sort of teacher are you?" Draco asked scornfully. "I'll need this to duel."
"Hells no, kid. Third rule of DADA: Fight without shirts, shoes, and wands – got it? You ain't gonna use any magic. Magic can't always save you. What if your wand broke in a fight?"
"Well…no one would break another wizard's wand. That's just barbaric – even more so than fighting with your fists!" Draco affirmed.
The professor snorted and then snapped Draco's wand in two. "There. Now fight!"
"What the—how could you?" Draco squealed.
Harry just started laughing.
Draco turned murderous eyes towards Harry. "Shut your filthy mouth, Potter!" he shouted before launching himself at the other boy. Soon they were brawling, with a great deal of encouragement from their House members and new professor.
And that was just day one.
Four months later Harry Potter, Professor Durden, and his entire DADA class arrived at the secret lair of Lord Voldemort. Each sixteen-year old walked into the house bearing bruises of varying colors and sinister smiles. The Death Eaters saw them and trembled – immediately they called for their master.
"Lord Voldemort! Harry Potter is here, my Lord!"
"Send him in," Lord Voldemort snickered. How foolish of the Potter boy to enter his own home!
Harry Potter walked in wearing a red leather jacket (a gift from the professor) and a pissed off look. "Tommy boy. How've you been?"
"How dare you call me that!" Voldemort hissed. "I ought to kill you here and now!" he screamed as he whipped out his wand.
Professor Durden jumped out of his hiding place and snatched the wand away, and then broke it in two. "HEY! Rules of DADA: No shirts, shoes, or wands, bitch!"
Harry Potter kicked off his shoes, threw off his shirt, and cracked his knuckles. "Now Tommy, I want you to hit me as hard as you can."
For perhaps the first time in his life, Lord Voldemort felt fear.
And then he felt pain.
What do ya think? I like this new series of mine – I needed to write something silly and not serious or with emotions and stuff. Just death and fighting and cursing and madness ;)
Professor Durden= Tyler Durden, the character played by Brad Pitt in Fight Club. (.com/search?source=ig&hl=en&rlz=&q=tyler+durden&aq=0&oq=tyler+dur)
Also: Suggestions are welcome. As are reviews! ;D