Professor Honey Badger (ft. Randall)
Professor Honey Badger (ft. Randall)
Crossover: If you haven't already, you need to watch the major internet meme and YouTube video The Nasty Crazyass Honey Badger. It is narrated by Randall, an effeminate male who has a knack for eloquently describing the hijinks of the "Most Fearless Animal on Earth", as named by the Guinness Book of World Records. The video is HILARIOUS and it inspired me to update…
Disclaimer: I borrow heavily from the video's dialogue because it is simply too funny. I do not own Randall, the Honey Badger, or Harry Potter.
Harry, Hermione, and Ron sat expectantly in the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. It was the first day of class and all they knew was that the new professor was called "Professor H.B." No one had a clue as to what the initials stood for or what their professor looked like. All they knew was that Dumbledore had been especially desperate this year – apparently the new professor had just been hired the day before classes began.
Ron eyed the grandfather clock that stood against the wall. It read a quarter past three. "Bit late, isn't he?" A toothy grin appeared on his face. "Think this means we won't have class?"
Draco Malfoy, sitting on the other side of the room, scoffed loudly. "I'm not surprised that Dumbledore's latest fruit basket of a professor is late. Wonder what sort of idiot he hired this time?"
"Honey Badger don't give a fuck if he's late. He does what he wants."
Everyone jumped in their seats. Several students even had their wands in their hands.
Glancing around the room and seeing no one that could have spoken, Harry shared a confused look with his friends. The voice was mysterious, male, and outrageously effeminate.
"Uh, hello?" Harry called out. Perhaps the newest professor was a ghost? Except…what was a honey badger?
"Why hello," purred the effeminate voice. It seemed to travel out of the air above their heads, but Harry couldn't see anyone.
"Are you the professor?" Harry continued.
A loud sigh followed Harry's words. "No, I'm not. Which is a shame because you, kid, are fucking adorable. No, I'm just his narrator," the voice pouted.
"Duh." Harry could have sworn he heard the narrator roll his eyes. "Honey badger can't speak. Nor does he give a shit about talking to some humans."
Just then the door banged open. Still edgy, the Hogwarts students jumped again and looked backwards. There, seemingly strutting into the classroom was a small four-legged animal. It had a long, black body with a silver stripe on its back. Claws were visible on its paws and it appeared to smile, showcasing tiny dagger-like teeth. It growled quietly and climbed onto the teacher's desk.
"Wha—" Hermione gasped.
"This is the honey badger. He's your new professor. He's pretty badass," the Narrator drawled.
"Dumbledore hired…an ANIMAL? Merlin's white beard!" Draco shouted, aghast.
Honey Badger turned its head and snarled in Draco's direction.
"Oh, shit, no you didn't!" the Narrator trilled, as if he were about to snap his fingers and call for a dance-off next.
Suddenly Honey Badger jumped off the desk and ran over to Draco, moving much quicker than could be predicted. Draco let out a terrifying scream as Honey Badger bit viciously into Draco's wand-arm. Jumping up, Draco tried to shake Honey Badger off, but the animal had an iron grip. Blood trailed against Draco's pale English skin.
"Help me!" Draco called up into the air as his friends tried to dislodge the irate professor.
"Honey Badger don't give a shit. It just takes what it wants."
Finally, sated with his vengeance, Honey Badger released the wizard and clambered back onto his desk.
Afraid to say anything else, the class was silent. Draco pressed his hand against his bleeding arm.
"Honey Badger don't care what you have to say, but do you have any questions for him?" the Narrator asked in a bored tone.
Everyone shook their head.
"Good. Now Honey Badger was bored so he took this job because he heard there was a fierce-ass snake running with an evil wizard, and he's a hungry little bastard. So who can lead Honey Badger to Voldemort?" Was it just Harry, or did he hear the Narrator snicker in excitement?
Excluding Hermione and Ron, everyone pointed directly at Harry (apparently now awarded 'Most Likely to Know Where An Evil Wizard Would Live'). Seeing there was no way out of it, Harry's shoulders dropped in defeat. At this moment he was more afraid of Honey Badger than a dark wizard that had failed to kill him three different times.
"I can help you find him," Harry sighed.
The three of them, Harry, Honey Badger, and the disembodied voice of the effeminate Narrator, found Voldemort's lair the next day – you'd have thought it'd take him longer to find a dark lord, but the frightening presence of Honey Badger was an excellent motivator.
"Harry Potter! So I see you are stupid enough to approach me directly," Voldemort sneered.
"Oooh, nasty. Look at his beady red eyes! Oh, he doesn't even have a nose – his face is all flat like a paper doll. And what is he wearing? Oh my god, is that a dress?" The Narrator burst into laughter. "What the fuck kind of Dark Lord wears an ugly black dress?"
Voldemort's heard lurched up and his eyes, which were indeed beady and red although no one would have ever said such a thing to his face, glanced around. "It's not a dress!" he sniped. "It's a robe!" Then he gave Harry a suspicious look. "Who else have you brought with you, Harry Potter?"
"He brought Honey Badger, bitch."
Voldemort's eyes narrowed in surprise. "Potter…did you just bring a badger with you?" Amused by the situation, Voldemort chuckled. Waving his fingers towards them both, Voldemort released his pet snake from her place next to him. "Nagini, do eat the boy's little friend. Once he's dead, I'll kill Potter."
"Oh girrrrrl, it's on now," the Narrator narrated as Honey Badger began to dance up towards the deadly snake.
Nagini lunged towards the badger, but Honey Badger veered away easily.
"Honey Badger don't play. Yeah, look at him. That crazy fuck is walking backwards!"
Again the snake attempted to snap her jaws onto her opponent, but Honey Badger moved quickly. Their dance continued until finally Nagini clamped her jaw around Honey Badgers midsection. She released Honey Badger quickly.
"Oh little does the Honey Badger know, fyi, that he's been stung, he's been bitten by the snaaake," the Narrator called. Strangely, he didn't seem very worried about it.
"One moment, Nagini," Voldemort called softly.
Poor Honey Badger fell to the ground on his back, his eyes closing as the poison coursed through his veins.
"Look at that sleepy fuck, the Narrator observed.
"Now, Harry," Voldemort smiled wickedly as the young wizard's eyes grew in fear. "I bet you are regretting this decision."
Harry stared at the dead Honey Badger in surprise. He…call him crazy, but he really thought that crazy nastyass Honey Badger would be able to defeat Voldemort.
Maybe Harry was as nutters as Dumbledore was for hiring a bloody animal in the first place.
Suddenly, the Honey Badger twitched and Harry fought to maintain a straight expression, lest Voldemort noticed. Then, rolling over, the Honey Badger scurried over to the unsuspecting Nagini and bit viciously into her body, right past the head.
"Look at this! Like nothing happened! That crazy nastyass Honey Badger just gets up and starts eating!"
"NO!" Voldemort shouted as Honey Badger began gnawing on Nagini's thrashing (and dying) body.
"Look, Honey Badger don't care bout your pet snake. Honey Badger don't give a shit. Nothing can stop this crazy fuck when he's hungry."
Raising his wand, eyes aflame with anger, Voldemort shouted "AVADA KEDAVRA!"
"No!" Harry shouted, wand in his hand; but he knew it was all over. Honey Badger had miraculously survived Nagini's venom but there was no way he could survive the Killing Curse.
A jettison of green light smacked straight into Honey Badger…and Honey Badger just growled and itched where the light hit him. He didn't even look angry, just annoyed.
"Notice the Honey Badger's loose yet thick skin. He's pretty badass and can handle just about anything, even some crazyass Killing Curse."
Voldemort (and Harry) stared in bewilderment as Honey Badger pranced over to Voldemort.
"Uh-oh, Honey Badger is gonna throw off the kid's gloves now. You fuck with Honey Badger and he'll fuck you up," the Narrator sing-songed gleefully.
Moments later Honey Badger was ripping into Voldemort's neck with relish.
"Oh, what a crazy fuck! Eww, nasty. He's just eating an evil wizard. That's just nasty!"
Those beady red eyes of Voldemort's flickered, and then finally died.
"Wow," Harry whispered. "Honey Badger really does just take what it wants."
This one was extra silly, but I hope you crazy bitches enjoyed it ;)
My great appreciation to all who read & review.