RussAme and AmeRuss Catalia smut. That… That is all. Should I be ashamed? Warning for kitty sex, and because kitties have barbs on their you-know-whats. Written for Kinkmeme.


Klei: Written for Kinkmeme. :3

Russia: …I did not think it could get any worse than 'What is This I Don't Even,' 'Always Eat Your Vegetables,' or 'Death is Cheap.' It seems I have been proven wrong. So very wrong.

America: Fuck this, where's the 'deportation' button?

Klei: There isn't another country in the world who would take me, dude. XD

Russia: …I shall ready the spaceship, da?

Klei: Haha, always the kidder, Ivan… Wait, guys? What are you doing with the rope? And the rocket? GUYS?

Kolkol really, REALLY hated the cat carrier.

It wasn't the carrier itself, in all honesty. The human taking care of him – called either Russia or Ivan by the other humans – always gave him a pillow and a blanket to curl up against. Though it didn't allow for him to run, it was still large enough so that he could stand up and turn around without very much difficulty. It was actually a comfortable place to nap when it wasn't moving.

Of course, those were the key words right there; 'when it wasn't moving.' Because when it WAS moving, well…

"Ssh!" Russia hushed him as he placed the carrier in the car. "It's going to be okay, it's just a short trip!" The feline simply gave him a knowing look. "Okay, okay, so it isn't a short trip… But you're a cat, you can sleep on the flight!"

Kolkol let out a hiss if dissatisfaction. Flights? He hated flights! Flights shook a lot, and even though they were as high as any cat could possibly hope to go into the sky, he couldn't see a thing from the cargo hold! It wasn't fair! "Why do I have to come? I want to stay home!" he mewled, scratching the door keeping him in there.

Russia was not persuaded to see the matter from his perspective. "There, there, it'll be over before you know it," he said in that comforting tone that, under most circumstances, calmed Kolkol down. In that situation, however, it only made it worse.

"I. Want. To. Stay. Home!" Kolkol insisted, despite knowing humans were too stupid to understand the language of meows. Maybe if he undid the latch? He desperately pawed at the mechanical device, but in the end he was forced to give up. Oh, why couldn't he have thumbs? "Where are we going? Are we going to the vet? It had better not be the vet! You promised you wouldn't get me neutered! You promised!" Neutering was such a barbaric practice! To render a cat – and only a cat, because who gave a damn about the dogs, really? – unable to have little kittens was just too cruel… "At least wait until I've lost my virginity!"

Russia strapped the carrier into the passenger seat and started up the vehicle. "Relax, okay? We are only going to America's house."

Kolkol let out another indignant growl. That was all? But he'd visited that person before and left Kolkol behind… And whenever he came over, he was really loud. Especially when they went back into Russia's bedroom or something. Then they got REALLY loud…

The feline wasn't stupid. He knew they were mating. But really, it wasn't necessary to smash the room to pieces in the process. Were all humans so violent about it? He knew they were unintelligent, but it seemed so unnecessary to do it in a way that left them both covered in bruises, bite marks, and God-only-knew what else was there under those removable pelts they had.

Still, it left him a little curious as to what the real deal would entail. It was such a shame that all the other cats he met were 'fixed…' He shivered. They just had absolutely no desire to do the deed with him. Woe was him. It seemed he was simply the only cat in his entire neighborhood who wanted to try it out.

"Who knows?" said Russia, pulling out of the driveway. "Maybe you'll find a cute queen… Or a tom. I can't really pass judgment on the matter, can I?" He giggled a little.

"Toms can't produce kittens…" Kolkol murmured. Besides, just where would he stick himself? Wait a minute, wasn't his human's mate male? How the hell did that work? Was that why they got so violent? "Where do you PUT it if it's a tom?"

Of course, Russia couldn't respond. To him it was just a meow. Stupid humans. He would make sure to cough up a big old hairball beside the bed when they got back! Right where Ivan, drowsy after waking up, would step on it! And then he would miss the litterbox on purpose!

It was very, very unusual for Americat's human to be concerned about anything, let alone cleaning. And yet there he was, fretting about how nice the house looked. That could only mean one thing. "Is the giant coming over?" Because that was what he was. Well, America called him Russia, or Ivan, or Vanya or whatever… He had so many names, Americat figured one more couldn't hurt.

"Out of the way, Americat! Off the couch!" said America, lifting the pudgy cat up and setting him on the floor. "You shed all over the furniture!"

"So do you!" Americat snapped right back. "And you smell, too! Really bad!" Humans in general smelled, but every time you tried to mark them with your own, better scent, they got all mad and complained about the urine on their shoes and carpet. Geez. Unappreciative much?

That was when that wondrous, absolutely delicious scent hit his nose.


"Gimmegimmegimmegimme!" Americat meowed, pawing at his human's legs as he carried one of the familiar bags with those glorious golden arches… "I want one! Give me one!"

"No, Americat! This is for Russia!" America replied, shaking his head. "I'll get you one next time, promise."

Next time? NEXT TIME? "But I want a happy meal NOW!" Americat cried. How cruel! He would have to eat… REGULAR cat food! That had to be a crime! "I won't stand for this! I'll sue!" Sure, he didn't know what 'sue' meant, but he heard America threaten it whenever he was angry about something. It had to be bad.

"Go on, shoo!" America scolded him, pushing the cat away with his food. "I still need to get the soda! Oh, and… Table cloth! Right! But I only have the Christmas one… Would I just be better off without a table cloth than having one out of season, then?"

"I don't care about your stupid table cloth!" Americat hissed. "Feed me!"

"If I get the red dishes, is that an insult, a compliment, or neither at this point…?"

"FEED. ME. NOW! I COMMAND YOU!" His cold gaze quickly turned pleading, ears drooping desperately. "You have to! Please!" With those words, Americat put on his best kicked puppy- well, kicked kitty look.

And America ignored it.


"Fine! I'll just hunt a mouse and leave it's decapitated body in the kitchen!"

Again, he was ignored in favor of whatever America was doing. "I'll just use the regular dishes… Oh, and flowers! Sunflowers! Gotta have sunflowers!"

"Who cares about your stupid flowers?" Americat huffed. That was it. Time for a cat's ultimate last resort. Claws out, he latched onto his owner's leg, causing him to yelp and drop a stack of dishes to the floor.

"FUCK!" the human cried out, before shooting Americat an angry look. "Damn it, Americat! What the hell?"

Time for the kicked kitty look again, just to make sure he wasn't kicked outside. "I'm hungry!" Americat whimpered.

The gullible human's gaze softened. "Aww, come on, buddy, I didn't mean to yell at you like that… I just need you to stay out of my way while I get ready, alright?"

Hook, line, and sinker. "It's okay," meowed Americat. "You can't help being stupid. I forgive you."

"I just hope you get along with Kolkol," America went on, lifting the cat up and carrying him back out of the kitchen and into the living room. "Russia's gonna stay over a little longer than usual, so he's got to bring his cat with him."

"Another cat?" Americat repeated in meows, eyes lighting up with delight. Maybe it would be a hot queen! And maybe she wasn't spayed! Oh, happy days indeed! He couldn't wait for her arrival!

"Now, just stay off the furniture, okay? Stay out of the basement, Tony's working down there… And try not to bother Ivan too much when he comes over, alright?"

The words were lost on Americat, who was busy fantasizing.

The doorbell rang.

"Please don't have McDonald's for dinner," Russia was chanting under his breath, much to Kolkol's annoyance. "Please don't have McDonald's for dinner, please don't have McDonald's for dinner…"

"What's a McDonald's?" Kolkol asked, scratching at the carrier walls once again. When the door opened up, he quickly turned his attention to it instead, however.

"Vanya!" the loud one addressed delightedly. "Dude, come in! Dinner's on the table!"

"Wh-what is for dinner?" Russia asked, clearly forcing a smile. Kolkol winced at the scent that hung in the air; it was vaguely like meat, but at the same time… So NOT meat.

"McDonald's, why?"

"Right… I look forward to it!"

Humans and their courtesy. "It smells bad!" said Kolkol from the carrier. That was all there was to it. No need to beat around the bush.

The loud one – America, was it? – peeked inside the carrier and smiled. "Well, you can just let him out now, I guess. Hopefully he and Americat will get along…"

Who was Americat? Kolkol let out a curious meow as Russia opened his crate, set it aside, and went on to have some boring people-conversation with America.

He sniffed the air. Well, there was clearly another feline; maybe that was what his owner's noisy mate had meant. He gave the mated humans one final glance before bounding off into the uncharted territory, eager to learn more about the person of whose house he would be sharing for the time being. It was generally common courtesy to wait until the other feline of the house greeted you before exploring, but Kolkol couldn't help but want to stretch after the trip.

"Is anyone there?" he called into what looked to be the kitchen. His claws clicked against the tile floor, and he noticed the unmistakable scent of cat food. Not the same brand his human got him, but it still managed to wet his appetite. Peeking under the table, he called out yet again; "Privyet?"

"GOTCHA!" a voice from above said triumphantly, and the next thing Kolkol knew, there was a slightly smaller, but still rather heavy cat on his back. "Get out of my kitchen, you evil, gigantic intruder!"

The Russian tom shook the other cat off with relative ease. "Ah, my apologies… I know it's a little rude to barge in like this, but my human is visiting yours, you see…"

Though clearly upset about being tossed to the floor, the mostly-white cat opposite of him brought his ears forward attentively. "Oh! So you're Kolkol, then?"



"Ah, that is, I mean… Yes." It was a good thing the loud human coming over so much had helped him learn… Whatever the language was called.

Americat's ears drooped. "Oh…"

Kolkol blinked. "Is something wrong?"

"Oh, no, it's not you," Americat replied, shaking his head. "I just thought you would be a queen."

"Oh." Well… He didn't know what qualified as 'polite' at Americat's house, but that sure didn't seem it.

"Well…" Americat continued, bringing his head back up. "Still. I guess we'll have to get along, right? Name's Americat. Nice to meet'cha, even if you are a tom!"

Kolkol nodded awkwardly. "Pleasure…"

The sound of footsteps came from behind him, and the two cats quickly got out of the way. "Oh, hey, guess it's dinner time already!" Americat chirped, heading to the counter to await his own food. "Come on, Kolkol, aren't you hungry?"

"Da," answered the larger cat, stomach audibly growing. He hadn't eaten anything since before the plane ride over, and he was hungry.

"So did you bring Kolkol's food, or should I give him some of Americat's?" America asked Russia, grabbing a can from the cupboard and opening it up.

"I have Kolkol's here," Russia replied with a smile, taking the container out of his pocket. Kolkol rubbed up against his legs and purred delightedly.

"Good, 'cause I'm not sharing mine," meowed Americat as the bowls were set down. He immediately buried his nose in the tuna, not seeming to care how much got on his whiskers. "I'd still rather have a hamburger, though…"

"Hamburger?" Kolkol repeated, glancing back in the direction of the two humans and the strange food on the table.

America looked a little embarrassed. "Uh, like, just so you know, the only reason I'm using the red dishes is because I sort of dropped the only clean, ordinary ones I had…"

Russia laughed. "Come now, it is in the past, da?" At the sight of the hamburgers, the laughter slowed. "Umm… I am… Not feeling very good today, so…"

"Well, in that case, it's especially good that I got hamburgers! They'll make you feel better in no time!"

"…Chyort voz'mi…"

Kolkol snorted and began to eat, still finding the whole 'courtesy beyond reason' thing absurd. "Humans are very ridiculous…"

"Tell me about it," Americat agreed through a mouthful of food. "But, I mean, I guess they're trying to be nice to each other, 'cause they're mates and all."

"They are not very nice to each other when they fornicate," Kolkol pointed out. Surely Americat had noticed… Unless they chose to only mate back at his home, which would have been very odd, indeed.

Americat simply blinked back at him. "Uh, translation?"

"Fornication. The birds and the bees?" Kolkol tried. "Coitus? Lovemaking? Sex?"

"Oh, you mean like mating?" Americat asked, understanding.

The larger winced at the other's blunt wording. "Da, mating… They are very violent when they do it," Kolkol explained. "Haven't you noticed?"

"Totally…" said Americat, twitching his tail. "I hope it doesn't HAVE to be that violent. I'd kind of like to try it someday. It's supposed to feel good, right?"

Kolkol brought an ear forward, curious. "So you have not been neutered?"

"Nope!" Americat replied proudly. "You shoulda seen Alfred when the vet described the procedure to him… I wasn't the only one guarding my junk in terror." The both of them shivered. "But yeah, I kinda wanna meet a cute queen someday… Maybe even have kittens!"

"As do I," Kolkol agreed. "I have not been fixed, either. It is just a shame that everyone else I know has…"

"Mm, I see where you're coming from, man… All the other humans say they're being 'responsible,' " said Americat mockingly. "Not cool, dude! Not cool at all. All the hottest queens are either spayed or uninterested."

Dinner was rather short, all things considered. Predictably enough, for the humans it ended in Russia running to the bathroom and vomiting up everything he had eaten… Kolkol and Americat watched them in amusement for a few minutes, but even a cat began to tire of their human's suffering after awhile. While the furless pair headed to the living room sofa to watch television, the resident feline gave his visitor a tour of the house.

"…and this is the cat condo!" Americat went on, flicking his tail in the direction of the red, white, and blue fuzzy towers. "I really like how it looks, though, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't scratch it up. Just use the furniture instead. Better Alfred's stuff than mine."

"Definitely. I have one at home," meowed Kolkol. It was a little annoying, though. Of course they weren't going to ruin their own things, and humans got upset when they used the furniture to trim their claws. Where were they expected to carry out such a vital part of their lives? "Really, they should be grateful we trim our claws at all," he added out loud. "They have to do it themselves with dogs, right?"

Americat, who seemed to have been thinking the same thing, agreed. "Definitely! So anyway… You've had a long trip here, do you need to use the litterbox?"

Kolkol thought for a moment before nodding. "A little… Da, I think so. Where's that located?"

"Behind the condo!" meowed Americat, stepping out of the way. "I'll stay on one side if you stay on the other. Oh, and you totally get the red tower while you're here."

Kolkol blinked. It seemed a bit random to assign him the red tower of the condo, especially when it was the tallest of the three. Perhaps Americat was trying to be courteous, like the humans? "Why?"

"Because you're a commie, and red is a commie color!" Americat replied like the answer was obvious.

"Commie?" Kolkol repeated. That was a new word… "What's a commie?"

Americat paused. "I don't really know," he admitted. "But America said once that people from Russia are commies, and that red is a commie color. So as a cat from Russia, you're a commie." He nodded confidently, pleased with himself for the deduction.

Okay, that was weird, but whatever. He wasn't going to complain if it meant dibs on the tall tower. "So, where do you usually sleep?"

"Oh, wherever, really. Definitely not in the bedroom when the giant's over," replied Americat. He quickly added, "No offense. Your human is just tall."

"It's alright, I understand," Kolkol responded, laughing a little.

Americat delightedly swished his tail. "You know, you're kinda big, yourself. Like, I bet you could crush me."

"It's my fur. It makes me look larger than I am," meowed Kolkol flatly.

"Well, even if that's true, you still kinds resemble 'im."

"They say people prefer animals who look similar to them," mused Kolkol. "Ha, well… I suppose it's true."

"Oh, hey, look, they're getting up!" meowed Americat, turning towards the humans not too far away.

"Aww, I'm sorry, Vanya, you feeling any better now?" America asked, helping a still-woozy Russia to his feet. "You must have gotten a rotten burger, or something…"

"D-da, that must be it!" Russia agreed without hesitation, regaining his footing. "Perhaps… We should go to bed early tonight?"

America smiled. "Awesome! We can do something to make you feel better, while we're there…"

Kolkol flattened his ears. "Please tell me there's a sound-proof room somewhere in your house." His own house was very spacious, but none of the rooms far enough away to be silent were ideal for sleeping in.

"Nah, it's all good. Alfred reinforced the bedroom walls not too long ago. Something about 'terrorists…' Whatever it's for, it keeps the sound in!" Americat purred. "I'm not usually one for silence, but it's kind of awkward to listen to, ya' know?"

Kolkol let out a relieved sigh.

"I thought you said it wouldn't be noisy!" Kolkol hissed, ears flat.

"They don't usually leave the door open!" Americat replied, wincing. "And come on, it isn't so bad…"


"Ah, fuck yes!"

"Past zakroi, you stupid- Nn! Fredka…"


Kolkol groaned. "All we can do at this point is hope that they stop soon."

Americat nodded. "Heh, well, at least they're having fun. I'm sure they'll be done eventually."

The smaller of the two had no idea as to just how wrong he was. It seemed like forever had passed before the shouts and moans finally stopped. In the meantime, Kolkol and Americat had tried to hide in the cat condo, though it didn't really help much. As it turned out, they weren't built to block out the sound of mating humans, a feature the two could only hope came standard in future models.

"Phew, they're done!" Americat sighed, relaxing at last. Though he had insisted the red tower was for 'commie cats,' they were both sitting inside the highest platform of it. "Dude, I usually hate sleeping at night, but I'm gonna conk out and hope it somehow removes this from my memory, 'kay?"

Kolkol nodded, suffering from a little jet-lag, himself. Yet another reason to hate travel. Still, he supposed it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Though the house itself smelled of almost-but-can't-quite-be-called-meat, but at least the company was adequate. Even if Americat, too, smelled of almost-but-can't-quite-be-called-meat… "Hey, have you ever wondered," he yawned, "how they mate in the first place? Being both male and all…"

"I walked in on them once," Americat replaced, curling up beside the other. The brush of his fur against Kolkol's darker coat produced a warm, tingly sensation in the larger's abdomen… Though he had slept beside other cats before, like the trio from the three different Baltic countries (though they always ended up on the other side of the room by the time he woke up, for some odd reason), that was a new feeling. "They change places a lot, but whichever one is doing what, one of them puts themselves up the others butt."

Kolkol blinked as he pressed his body against Americat's. "Really?"

"Really!" insisted Americat, yawning. "Even if it's different, it looked like they were both enjoying it… Or at least, I think so. And they keep doing it, if that's any indication…"

There was a brief silence between them.

"Hey," Americat piped up, poking Kolkol with his paw. "What if we…?"

"…tried it out?" Kolkol finished for him. "I… We should sleep on it. Decide in the morning. When we aren't tired." It was so weird… But would it really be much different? Hmm… "That means one of us has to… 'Take it,' though, does it not?"

Americat paused. "Well… We could switch, like them. One 'tops' first… Then the other takes their turn!"

"Wouldn't it hurt?"

Another pause.

"Things go out of there all the time… Can't be that bad…"

Kolkol nodded. "Maybe… Maybe we should try it, after all."

"Awesome!" meowed Americat, setting his head down. "Tomorrow, though."

"Tomorrow sounds good," Kolkol agreed, following suit.

The two fell asleep side-by-side, tails sitting on top of one another and purring contentedly.

Despite being cats, they didn't wake up early.

"Noooooo!" Americat whined. "Sunlight!"

Kolkol stretched and sat upright, wincing as the light hit his eyes. There was a reason he preferred waking up to the moon. Why was the cat condo pointed directly at the window? Who in their right mind would do that?

"Americat!" called America.

"Kolkol?" Russia addressed.

"Sounds like they're in the kitchen!" said Americat, eagerly leaping out of the condo. "Breakfast time!"

Kolkol bounded after him, eagerly digging into the food set on the floor. Russia and America sat at the table, eating something that looked like kibble, but floating in white stuff. Milk, perhaps? People-food was so weird. "So, Americat…" he said slowly. "Do you remember what we talked about last night?"

The smaller twitched an ear in recognition. "Yeah! We were totally gonna mate, right?"


They continued to eat in an awkward silence, though their humans continued to chatter about nonsense for the next ten or so minutes. It was only after the furless pair got up, washed the dishes, and left the room that the cats began to continues talking.

"So, like, who's gonna give, and who's gonna take first?" Americat asked, licking his paw clean of his breakfast.

Kolkol didn't have an answer. "Perhaps I should top first…" he suggested, the tingly feeling returning at the prospect.

Americat didn't seem to appreciate that. "Hell no, you were the one who was supposed to be a sexy queen. Heroes do the topping!" he replied confidently.

"Either way, we're both going to take a turn," meowed Kolkol pointedly. "In the end, the first to top is only delaying the inevitable."

Americat's tail twitched. "Geez, man. The way you talk, you'd think we were gonna kill each other, or some shit. It's kind of creepy. We're just mating. No need to get all serious about it."

"I suppose…" Kolkol murmured, swiping bits of his own meal from his whiskers. "What do humans do when they can't make a decision?"

"They do a coin toss, I think," Americat replied. "Or 'rock, paper, scissors.' I don't really think we're capable of doing either." He held up one of his thumb-less paws and laughed. "How about this. My house, I go first. Sounds good to me!"

Kolkol shook his head and growled with displeasure. "Nyet. If anything, I should get to do it first, being your guest."

"But you're a commie!"

"And you are a pig."

"Your MOM was a pig!"

"Oh, that's very mature."

"Fuck, I'll sue!"

"What does that even-" Kolkol began, before cutting himself off and sighing. "Alright, look. This is going nowhere fast. We are not humans, we are animals. As such, we can settle this in a dignified manner."

"First person to the human bathroom wins?"

"Sounds good."

Americat laughed. "Okay, then! On your mark… Get set… GO!"

It was only after they took off that Kolkol remembered it was not his house, and he had no idea as to where the bathroom was.


"Who's the winner? I'M the winner!" Americat made sure to meow all the way back to the kitchen. "Who's the loser? YOU'RE the loser! GO DEMOCRACY!"

"What the hell is that?" Kolkol spat, angry at not only Americat, but himself for falling for such a trick.

"I don't know, but it's supposed to be an awesome, non-commie thing!"

Kolkol facepawed. "Very well," he sighed, sitting down. "You get to go first. Remember that it's still my turn after this, however."

"Yeah, yeah, I know!" Americat meowed eagerly, stepping around behind Kolkol and batting at his tail. "Okay, if you could just… Stay sitting down, so I can actually reach…"

"It isn't my fault you're so tiny," Kolkol teased, moving his tail to the side and laying down.

"I'm not tiny, you're huge!" Americat replied, mounting the other to the best of his ability. "Okay, so, like, now what? I've never done this before."

"Put yourself in, you idiot."

"Are you sure? Alfred and Ivan groomed each other a lot first…"

"Humans have always been strange," Kolkol replied, clicking his claws against the floor impatiently. "Why is this news to you?"

Americat nodded. "I guess you're right… Well, here goes."

Initially, it was definitely a little painful as the smaller pressed in. Nothing, however, that Kolkol couldn't handle. It was mostly just weird, really, to be filled with something that most certainly wasn't meant to be there. "This isn't so bad…" he meowed, shifting a little with discomfort. It sort of stung and burned, but that was the worst of it.

"OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod!" Americat mewled. "So nice…" He dug his claws into Kolkol's back, earning himself a hiss. "Oh, sorry."

The larger flattened his ears. "Be careful… Anyway, you can move now, I think."

"Right! Movement… Side to side?"

"In and out." Either Americat was younger and stupider than he had first thought, or it felt so good that he couldn't really concentrate. What a-

Kolkol yowled as Americat pulled out.

"What? What? What did I do?" Americat asked, coming to a full stop.

"It feels like claws!" Kolkol meowed through clenched teeth. "Nng! What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm just moving, like you said…"

Sure enough, when Americat pushed back in, it didn't feel like claws tearing away at his insides. Only when he pulled back out was it agonizing, digging into the same cuts over and over again. How was it supposed to be enjoyable, again? Maybe that was why the humans switched… Only the top got any pleas-

"MROW!" Kolkol yelped as a thrust struck something deep inside him, sending a twinge of pleasure to his nether regions. "There… Hit that again…" he panted, digging his claws into the tile floor.

"G-got it…" was Americat's only response. Though it sounded like he was only replying reflexively, he seemed to have heard it. "Mrowwwww…"

Eventually, Kolkol could barely feel the barbs, only able to concentrate on the pure pleasure. Every thrust seemed to feel even better… But, when was it supposed to end? When they got too tired to go on? Neither of them had ever done it before, so…

His question was answered when the delightful feeling in his abdomen seemed to explode out of his erect penis, splurting all over the floor. There was an uncomfortable sting as Americat seemed to do the same, coating the bleeding scratches inside of him. "Ouch…" he hissed when Americat pulled out for a final time and collapsed on the floor.

"That," Americat gasped. "Was the best thing ever. Like… Wow…"

"Da…" Kolkol agreed, lowering his fluffy tail and trying to ignore the feeling of the other cat's seed dripping out of him. "But we are not quite done, Americat…"

The smaller froze. "C-come on, man, I'm kinda tired. Can't we call it a day?"

"Nyet. Nyet, we cannot," was Kolkol's immediate response as he pushed the other onto his belly. "Tail up."

Americat pouted, but lifted his tail compliantly. "Fine… Heroes don't go back on their word."

"This won't be so bad, you'll see," meowed Kolkol, a devious glint in his eye as he mounted the fatter cat and positioned himself. "Just stay put and don't struggle."

"You're making this sound nonconsensual, du- myah, that's weird!" Americat sputtered, extending his claws at the feeling. "It hurts!"

Kolkol decided to take his time with the initial penetration, especially seeing as he was admittedly a little bigger than his new mate. It certainly was difficult, though. Though bottoming was a mix of both pain and pleasure, topping was just pleasure alone. Well, his rectum still stung a little, but… "Are you feeling okay?" he asked once he was all the way in.

"Yeah, I think… But geez!" meowed Americat. "This is… I don't know, it's just super weird…"

"Brace yourself, because this next part is going to hurt."


Kolkol slowly pulled himself back, doing his best not to jerk at the ear-splitting shriek that resulted. "Oh, come now, it isn't THAT bad…"

"Yes it is!" Americat whined, turning his head around to look at Kolkol. "What are you doing?"

"The same exact thing you did. Now hush, you wouldn't want the humans to hear you, now would you?"

"I guess not…" Americat murmured as he was filled again.

Kolkol tried switching up how he thrust, hoping to make the other feel as good as he had... Maybe it had been a fluke? What if he was just weird? What if he was just too much larger than Americat to possibly pleasure the other? What if he hated him, just like the Baltic cats had? If that happened, he wasn't sure what he would do...

"M-mrow!" Americat meowed, clearly trying to hold back the noise. "J-just now, there was a spot you hit. Hit it again!"

Kolkol nodded with relief and began to make his thrusts deeper, doing his best not to claw at the other cat's back. So good, so good…

That was when Kolkol heard the unmistakable sound of human footsteps… Almost like someone was running into the kitchen. He blinked and turned his head to the side, though he continued to thrust all the while. Americat didn't even seem to notice, probably because he was making too many of his own sounds to hear anything else. He was as noisy as his human, really…

"Wh-what?" a very confused America said from the door, eyes widening. Russia quickly joined him, lips twitching upwards into a smile at the sight.

"Ah, you see? I told you they weren't fighting!" said Russia, patting America on the head.

America didn't respond for several more seconds. At last, though, he managed two words; "KITTY RAPE!"

"Come now, let's give them some privacy," Russia shushed him, dragging America away.

"N-no, we have to break them up! They're… They're… ARGH! My EYES!"

"Your human is so dramatic," Kolkol remarked through needy meows. "Like he doesn't do this himself…"

"D-don't look at me like I get him any more than you, dude… Myarow! MROW!" Americat cried, spilling himself all over the floor.

Kolkol, too, reached that lovely state of climax, quivering as he pulled out. "S-so tired…"

"Mm… I think I wanna take a nap…" Americat agreed. "Fuck… That stings…"

Kolkol laughed and licked his mate's nose. "It will get better. Come on."

Americat gave him a lick back and purred. "We have to try this again sometime…"

"Definitely," Kolkol agreed, nuzzling his new mate's neck. So that was how it felt to do it… To know someone so intimately, and to allow them to know you in turn. He rather liked it. Though their kind wasn't one to mate for life, he decided he wouldn't mind sharing that feeling solely with his smaller companion. It was nice, to sleep with another cat that actually enjoyed his company. "I hope that I can come back again…"

Americat nodded vigorously and pawed the larger's ear. "So do I… Maybe Alfred'll let me go to your place sometime."

Kolkol laughed. "Da. I would like that very much."

They took their nap on the window sill, pressed together while the sun warmed their fur. The only audible noise was their synchronized purring.

That night, it was Russia and America who were kept up by the sounds of their cats' lovemaking.

"I'm so proud of my little Kolkol!" said Russia, smiling delightedly, despite the fact that they would be the ones that had to clean up the mess.

"I'm gonna throw up…" America groaned, covering his mouth with his hand.


Klei: And they all lived happily ever after. Well, maybe. I mean, when you're a near-immortal personification (or catification) of your country, things are bound to go wrong every once in awhile. So, uh… They all lived MOSTLY happily ever after, because happily ever after just isn't an obtainable concept, and would be pretty boring anyway. The end. :3


Klei: Hm?

England: America has locked himself up in his room, sobbing! Russia is sitting in the corner in a fetal position! Everyone else involved is scarred for the rest of their existence, mortal or otherwise! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?

Klei: I got a new high score? :3

England: …Klei, look at this! -pulls out cyanide capsule- Look at the shiny capsule! If you eat it, you'll get magical powers!

Klei: ZOMG, AWESOME! -noms-