-Welcome to my newest fic! It was quite unexpected actually. I was watching Survivor and there was this commercial for some annoying talk show with four girls sitting around yammering on about nothing, so I thought, "Hey, what if the YGO cast did that?"

And thus, this fic was born!

It's complete randomness, so if it's bad, well then... I don't know what to tell you!

Warnings: Out of characterness, me and my yami being mean, random crap...


The Talk

Chapter One:

It was a quiet day around the Kaiba Mansion, everyone's favorite Authoress, Laria Kaiba, was currently busying herself by flipping absentmindedly through the cable channels. A thousand channels and still there was nothing to watch. Next to her, Yani, the spirit of the Millennium Earrings, sat tearing pages out of Laria's notebook, balling them up and trying to make baskets in the trash can that sat a mere two feet away from her.

So far she hadn't made a single one.

Laria glanced over at her yami, "Do you have to do that, you're wasting all my paper."

"Oh come on!" Yani whined, "The thing is magic, it never runs out of paper!"

"It could someday," Laria crossed her arms over her chest and slumped back into couch with a pout, "What would I do then? How would I write my stories."

"What stories?" the spirit snorted, "You haven't written anything in a year!"

Laria's pout faded in scowl, "Don't remind me."

"Well you should write something, hikari," Yani said, pushing the notebook over to her, "It would sure cure the boredom around here."

"I just don't have any ideas," Laria went back to channel surfing. Yani frowned at her.

Yes, Laria was in some rut. But at least her friends were happy, especially her twin brother Seto. A whole year without her forcing them into her crazy shenanigans, it was like a dream come true! But what good is being an Authoress if you're not writing anything? Laria needed to come up with an idea... and quick!

She clicked furiously through the channels, something had to catch her eye, something had to give her an idea. At last, her remote finger paused... this looked interesting.

"I think I've got it," she grinned, turning to her yami again. Yani looked between the tv and her hikari, she grinned as well. Laria snatched the notebook up and the two sat whispering and plotting what was to become the most horrible, diabolical plot ever.

They were going to make a talk show.


"I don't have a good feeling about this..."

Four people had gathered in the living room of the Kaiba Mansion, each one of them looked very uneasy to be there. Before them stood Laria and Yani, they never looked so evil.

"Lar..." Seto shot his sister a glare, "Why are we here?"

"Oh dear brother," the Authoress bounced happily, "There's no reason for such a disgruntled look."

Bakura rolled his eyes, "With you, there's always a reason for that."

"Come now," Yani said, "Have we ever steered you wrong?"

"Well there was that time you made us do improv," Yami said, counting things off with his fingers, "Then you left us stranded on an island..."

"And you've drove us all completely mad at one time or another!" Marik exclaimed.

Bakura let out a laugh, "You were crazy before she got to you, Ishtar."

The blonde shot him a glare. Seto had still not taken his glower off his sister.

"Lar," he said again, more sternly, "This better not be one more of your crackpot story ideas."

"So what if it is?"

The CEO sighed loudly, "Do I always have to be drug into these things! Do you know how much these things are ruining my company?"

Yani blinked, "Didn't you say your profits were up over a hundred percent?"

"... That's beside the point!"

"Anywhos!" Laria said loudly, gaining everyone's attention, "We're going to do a new thing, you guys are going to have your own talk show!"

The four guys stared blankly at her.

"... You've got to be kidding!"

"I'm not," Laria said shortly, "You're gonna do it whether you like it or not!"

"Couldn't you get the hikari's to do it?" Bakura grumbled.

"Now now, 'Kura, you know the hikari's aren't as worldly as us yamis are!" Yani smiled at him.

"Then why don't you do it."

"Because I'm the director!" the spirit snapped her fingers and Steven Spielberg's classic baseball cap appeared in her hand. She slipped it on her head with a vicious grin.

They all somehow looked even more unhappy about this then they did when they found out what they were going to be doing.

"Alright! Now that we all know what we're doing, I say it's time to get started!" Laria beamed, scribbling something down into her notebook.

A burst of outrage rang up from the guys, but it was instantly stifled when Laria snapped her finger and everything went dark.


The lights of the stage lit up and the audience cheered loudly. On stage the four guys now in comfy chairs around a coffee table. The back of the stage was set up like a very elegant living room. On the table sat four coffee cups, as if these four gathered every morning for a quiet conversation together every morning.

"Hello everyone," Yami greeted the audience, he figured none of the others would pick up the host ball, "Welcome to The Talk, I'm your host Yami Motou and I'm here with my... well, these guys..."

He gestured towards the other three.

"Why don't you guys introduce yourselves."

Next to him, "I'm Marik Ishtar."

"I'm Bakura."

"And I..." Seto groaned, "Don't want to be here."

"CUT!" Yani stormed on stage, "Seto! Can't you at least pretend to happy for once?"


She sighed exasperatedly, and stormed back off stage, "Fine, continue!"

"I'm Seto Kaiba," the CEO crossed his arms and slumped back angrily into his chair.

"Ok," Yami tapped his fingers nervously on the arm of his chair... what the hell were they supposed to do, "Does anyone have anything they'd want to talk about?"

"Let's talk about the fact that Bakura doesn't have a last name!" Marik blurted out.

"What!" the white haired spirit exclaimed.

"Uhh... ok," the Pharaoh so wished there was a hole he could crawl into now, "What would you suggest as a last name for Bakura?"

"First of all!" Bakura interrupted, "Why the hell to I need a last name? How many guys named 'Bakura' do you know?"

"There's a planet in Star Wars named after you," Seto added, still looking grumpy.

"Was the planet named after him, or him after the planet?" Marik asked.

"Like it matters," said Bakura.

"It's probably just a coincidence," Yami pointed out, "But it does bring up a sort of 'chicken or the egg' principle, which came first the idiot or the planet?"

Bakura shot him a glare, "Watch it, baka Pharaoh."

"Getting back to my previous question," Yami said, quickly changing the subject, "What would be a good name for Bakura?"

"I donno," Marik shrugged, "I was thinking along the lines of 'Stinkypants'."

Yami and Seto chuckled, Bakura found it a lot less humorous however and quickly launched himself towards the blonde, gripping the collar of his shirt tightly.

"Ishtar!" he growled, "Don't make me hurt you!"

Marik just grinned up at him, "Don't threaten me with a good time, 'Kura."

"Ok ok guys!" Yami looked at them with wide eyes, "Let's settle down!"

The two shot the Pharaoh a glare, but Bakura did return to his chair, and Marik straighten out his shirt.

"I think we've had enough of that discussion," Yami continued, "Well come back to another time. Meanwhile, let's bring out our special guest, Malik Ishtar!"

The audience cheered loudly when the blonde hikari walked onto stage and took a seat in between Marik and Bakura.

"Special guest?" Seto asked, "Why do we have a special guest?"

"You know, to mix up the group a bit," Yami shrugged, "To interview them, I guess."

"Interview?" Marik blinked, "As in ask him questions?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"I've got a question!" the blonde yami raised his hand as if he was in a classroom, he then turned to his counterpart and asked him very seriously, "Malik, don't you think Stinkypants is a good last name for Bakura?"

The white haired spirit shot Marik another glare and knocked him upside the head with his coffee mug, "Enough of that!"

Malik just sat there looking very frightened and uncomfortable, if the two spirits got in a fight, he was definitely in the wrong place.

"Malik," Yami got his attention while Marik and Bakura bickered noisily behind him, "Welcome to The Talk, why don't you tell us why you're here?"

"Laria said if I didn't come on she'd hurt Mr. Fuzzy," the blonde pouted.

Backstage Laria stood holding a stuffed Sphinx cat plushie in one hand, and a large knife in the other. She grinned evilly has she held the knife to plushie's throat. Malik whimpered at the sight. Next to him Yami pinched the bridge of his nose... this just wasn't going well.

"I have a good question," Seto said, leaning over the coffee table at the blonde, "Why are you so evil?"

"I'm not!" Malik protested, jabbing his thumb in Marik's direction, "It's all his fault!"

"Nuh uh!" Marik stopped arguing with Bakura long enough to defend himself, "You're way more evil then me!"

"So not true!" Malik exclaimed, "You're the one that posted those naked pictures of Kaiba all over the internet!"

"Wait, what!" Seto's eyes widened.

They all ignored the CEO, Marik looked outraged and added, "I don't even know how to use that computer box," Then he grinned suggestively, "I just supplied the pictures."

"... You're right, I guess I was the one that put them online," Malik mused, "But it was still totally all your idea!"

Seto sat stunned, he had no idea what was going on... it felt like a fuse had been blown in his mind.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Bakura grabbed Marik's shirt collar again, "You have naked Kaiba pictures and didn't tell me?"

"I got them with me!" Marik beamed, pulling three polaroids out of his pocket. He showed them to Bakura and Malik, they all laughed loudly over them.

Seto finally snapped, "Give those to me!"

The three of them gasped, "RUN!"

They each grabbed a picture and took off in a different direction running away from the CEO as fast as they could. Seto growled and ran after Marik, they both ran backstage and soon a loud crash was heard, followed by the sounds of the two scuffling over the picture.

Yami glanced around, he was the only one left on the stage.

"Well... Uh..." He looked for some cue from Laria or Yani but they were both busy breaking up the fight backstage, "I guess this concludes this episode of The Talk... tune in next time where we'll talk about more stuff and will be joined by Laria as our special guest."

There was another large crash backstage, Yami shifted nervously for a second before running off the help the Authoresses with the fight. It wouldn't be good if one or more of the hosts were killed in the first episode.

-Leave topic suggestions and questions for Laria in the reviews!-