A thingy to 5X03, Free to be You Free to be me. Errm... Let's just say this is weird, even for me...
Warnings: Little flashback o' child abuse and y'know drunkenness and swears ^.^ But it's nothing graphic, pretty much just mentions.
Disclaimer: Not mine... *sigh* not even in my dreams... :(
Summary: What if Sam was there during when Cas and Dean went to investigate in 5X03. And, frustrated with Cas's inability to interrogate properly, he sorta lets slip a secret and with a little more poking... Cas and Dean discover the reason behind Sam and John's arguments and fighting all the time, and eventually, why Sam left for college. WARNINGS: Inside.
Takes place after Cas messes up with the badge and after he told the officer that they were after angels and demons... So, yeah. And can we compromise and say Dean didn't cover up for him/ the officer didn't believe Dean and kicked 'em out or something? Yeah, thanks! This is why it's an AU! Oh, and Sam is here! Just, 'member that 'cause it's kinda needed to read this.
Sam was pacing back and forth in the motel room, angrily muttering things, while Dean stood in place. He was glaring at Cas though, who had his head down looking at his feet.
"I apologize. I did not realize that we were not supposed to tell the officer about the demons."
Dean continued his stare, but Sam stopped in his tracks. He turned and looked at Cas, "Yeah, well that's nice and dandy Cas, but now we're at a dead end. God, if I did that back when me and Dean were huntin' with Dad, he woulda made me black and blue!"
After that Sam continued pacing and thinking through options to pursue with the case now at a dead end, but now Cas and Dean were staring at him.
Dean with a shocked expression, after all, Sam had never said something like that before and it wasn't like he had developed a sense of humor in the past 5 minutes. Cas was staring more like he was trying to figure something out, like a puzzle, but he was probably trying to see whether Sam was telling the truth or not. Or, maybe he was just doing that stare that looks like that. After all, it is Cas we're talking, I mean typing/reading, about...
He turned to Dean when he seemed to resolve a matter in his mind. I s'pose that he really was trying to figure somethin' out... Dean seemed to understand what that meant, but it took him more than a moment to truly comprehend what that meant for Sam.
His Dad, his hero, had beat his baby brother. Dean gulped and his face paled and he looked over at Sam. Now wonder the boy had run away, or gotten into constant fights with him. Dean had never questioned one of the bruised that appeared on Sam's face or the time that he saw Sam with his shirt off and his back black and blue with a few bloody gashes; Sam had said it was from a hunt or a bully... And Dean never questioned when his Dad made Sam's even more diffucult than his own, and he never questioned him when he yelled at Sam for absolutely nothing. But, it seemed to all make sense now. It seemed to click in his head, the peices fitting together perfectly.
Dean had never questioned it because he never really noticed. Or he didn't want to. His father and hero had been abusing Sam, and not just mentally.
He looked over at Sam, his little brother who he had been nothing but nasty to lately, and felt more than one stab of guilt.
He twiddled his thumbs and then looked back over at Sam, licked his lips and righted his stance, and then cleared his throat and said, "S-Sammy, can you siddown for a second?"
Sam looked over at him, but then cautiously sat down on the edge of the motel bed, like he was worried Dean would lash out at him. Dean sighed and thought about how horrible he'd been acting to his brother and scrubbed a hand tiredly over his face.
He walked over to Sammy and sat down beside him and asked, lookin his brother in the eyes, "Sammy, did Dad really do those things?"
Sam instantly looked down at his lap and said, " 'Course not Dean, I was just sayin' that...that if I ever did what Cas did then he'd do that to me..."
Dean looked over to Cas, who shook his head, indicating that Sam was not telling the truth.
Dean put a hand on his brothers shoulder and said, "C'mon Sammy, you can tell me, I'm your big brother!"
Sam shrugged it off, but Dean put it back on. Sam sighed and then said, "Yeah, Dean, he did. But, whatever. It's over and done with."
Dean blanched. So it was true. Dean went to pull Sam in for a hug, but was stopped when Sam pushed him away. Sam stood up from the bed like a scared animal and bolted to the door. He swung it open and muttered a nervous, "N-no chick flick moments, Dean." before he left.
Dean turned to look at Cas, who's face was grim. "What's wrong Cas?"
"Dean, I don't believe that pyschical and mental are the only kinds of abuse that Sam has suffered at the hands of your father..."
It took Dean a moment to fully comprehend what Cas meant before he shoved him against the wall and held the trenchcoat between his fist, "You sick bastard! Our Dad would never do something like that, especially to Sammy!" Especially without me knowing!
Cas read between the lines, seeming to get the message Dean was trying to convey, and he calmly pushed him off and said, "Angels can tell when there are lies and when the truth is being withheld. Sam has not spoken all of the truth and there is nothing else it could possibly be. I am sorry Dean, but the reality of the situation is that Sam has been abused by your father in any way possible. It's almost certain that he was going to Hell even before he sold his soul for you."
Dean stared at Cas blankly before sitting down on the floor, fearing his knees would give out if he stood much longer. He brought his knees up to his chest and mumbled something sounding like, "Why didn't he tell me Cas? Why didn't I know? Why didn't I help!"
The angel knelt beside him and said, "Dean, your Dad must have threatened Sam with something, most likely you. If you'd like, I could go into Sam's memories and try and see what really happened to him."
Dean was now shaking and looked up to Cas with pleading eyes and said, "Thank Cas."
That's all it took and Cas was in Sam's mind, a dark corner of it he kept hidden. As Cas sifted through the memories, he found a particullarly bad one, and jumped into it...
There was a young scrawny boy sobbing and curled in on himself in the corner, Cas recognized him as Sam. He seemed young, perhaps 6 years old, and terrified. The worst part of this abuse, the sexual part, seemed to be over and Cas watched as a shaky little boy pulled on his boxers. His body was entirely covered in black and blue, well all the parts that would be covered by clothing anyway.
Sam crawled back to the corner and cowered as his father, John, walked in. Cas felt the urge to smite him as he saw the smirk on his face. But this was a memory that there was no way of erasing.
So he watched instead. He watched as John's fist connected with Sam's already abused body over and over. And he listened as John told Sam he was a monster and that it was his fault that thier lives weren't normal; they had no mother/wife, or constant home or school. He listened as John told him, "You ever tell anyone about this boy, and I'll make sure you're brother gets a double dose of it twice a day, 'stead of just once like you. Now go get yourself cleaned up and make sure that you don't spill any milk ever again. People gotta work hard for that you know!"
And finally, when Castiel thought he could take no more, John finally left the room. He watched as the little 6 year old Sam Winchester walked to the bathroom calmly, and bandaged his wounds. He watched as he made himself something to eat and he watched as he waited up for Dean to return from a friend's house.
Castiel felt his heart surge with pride as he reflected that he could call this person his friend. Sam Winchester is stronger than anyone ever imagined. But, it wasn't without the constant help of Dean, he was really the only person that kept Sam alive.
Sam suffered through the abuse until he left for college, and when he had finally found his Dad, John gave him a reminder why leaving him was bad. And then, in the hospital before John died, can you guess what he did? Gave Sam something to remember him by, a long scar across his hipbone from a nearby scalpel after he "finished" with Sam.
Castiel felt the memory end and felt himself return back to the motel room to an anxious Dean.
Castiel sat Dean down on the bed and patiently explained everything he saw in great detail. Dean was horrified. Horrified that the assumption was true and he couldn't do anything about it.
But now, he had to find Sam.
Sam was sitting in a local park, in the shade of an old and very large oak tree. It was night fall and the moon shone brightly overhead, illuminating the grass dully. Sam watched it with fevered interest and picked a few blades before throwing them right back down.
Castiel and Dean approached cautiously, almost afraid he was going to run from them again. They had spent all day searching for him in bars of some sort or on a curb, a gutter, an alley. But no, he was in the last place they had suspected, a park.
Sam had spent the entire day there, no children had been out because there was a chill in the air and thier parents probably didn't want them sick. His Dad had never cared about that... But Sam was focusing on something, anything, else right then. Because he needed to escape. Sam had spent his whole life covering up for his Dad and making certain Dean knew nothing about the abuse. So now that Dean knew, it was too much to bear.
So Sam sat there, contemplating how much thier relationship had changed recently. They had gone from closer than two intertwined fingers to having no contact at all when Sam was at Stanford, then they had become nearly as close as they were before. At least, for a short while. But then, Sam's stupid "destiny" had made things complicated, like the Demon Blood and the Demon Whore that Sam had kept secret. Or the training of the Jedi Mind Powers.
Sure, Sam wanted Dean to know about that too, but he couldn't tell him. He didn't want Dean to be dissappointed in him. He knew Dean was about a step away from kicking him out. And those recent dreams, the ones with Lucifer telling him he was the True Vessel, they wouldn't help at all..
Especially now that Cas knew. Cas had seen all his memories, after all. He had seen what few happy moments there had been, with Dean, with Jess, and, God help him, with Ruby.
Sam was sure that the new information he had told Dean must have made him furious. I mean, Sam just destroyed his hero with a few simple words. How would he feel if someone shattered his hero worship of Dean just like that?
Sam would murder them. But, that's just him. He was sure Dean would do something better, smarter, more controlled. Because, God Damnit, he was Dean! So he knew that Dean would need to get a few punches in, maybe a good kick to the gut too. But if that meant that Dean would still let Sam be around him, he wouldn't give it a second thought.
What he wasn't expecting was when Dean enveloped him in a bone-crushing hug, reminding him of when he had just came back from the dead after Azazel's games. Or when Dean had gotten back from Hell. He wasn't expecting Dean to not let go when Sam shoved against him. Or when Sam yelled at him, to let him go, let him run. But Dean wouldn't let go and he wouldn't hit him and he wouldn't get mad.
So that was the last straw for Sam. He felt his mind kinda slump, like his body. He let himself fall against the tree, but he wouldn't, he would not, let himself cry in front of Dean. He had done it too much when he was younger. But now, now Sam was old and he could take care of himself. He could manage on his own. He didn't need Dean.
God, that sounded pathetic, even to himself. Especially when he told that to Dean. Because Dean just hugged him tighter, as if that were possible. Sam was pretty sure he was losing oxygen. He looked over at the angel watching the embrace and silently begged him to get Dean to stop, to help him get away. He knew if anyone could understand, it was Cas. After all, he saw what Sam's mind was like, his memories and beliefs. So Sam silently implored him to make Dean understand.
The angel seemed to get the picture and he called out, "Dean? You're approach to your brother is not helpful..."
Dean looked up at him, bleary eyed and confused, "What're you talkin' about Cas? I'm tryin' to give my brother a hug here!"
Both brothers cringed at the word hug. But, never the less, Dean didn't relinquish his hold on Sam's torso. Cas sighed and said, "Dean, I believe it would be beneficial for you to take a look inside Sam's memories. Perhaps see his train of thought and reactions?"
The first thought that came to Sam's mind was, "NOOOO!" And so he voiced it and struggled and thrashed as hard as he could against Dean's hold. Sam was begging Cas the entire time, "Please don't Cas! Don't show 'im! He can't see! Please, don't! I'll do anything!"
Cas looked at him as sadly as he could and then said softly, "Dean needs to see what has happened to you. If he doesn't, you two can never truly be brothers with the sort of connection you carried before."
Upon hearing those words, Sam slumped back in defeat. He had to let Castiel show Dean his memories now, or else he could never have what he wanted most. So he allowed for them to be beamed into his mind. For all his memories to be unearthed and watched, even with his own eyes. He felt himself go through the torment all over again, but he also got to experience all his greatest moments.
He also felt the sting of Dean's harsh words that had been thrown at him in the past, the hurt. He felt his heart re-ripped out after Dean so harshly grieved the loss of thier father that he shut Sam out. Or the complete and utter misery, the will of self-preservation gone when Dean was in Hell. When Sam was reckless and desperate, begging every CrossRoad Demon for his brother back.
But when he recieved no answer from them, he resorted to violence. Dean watched his little brother fall apart, all up until that very moment. He felt how much his one hug had wounded Sam, and how he expected to be hit.
Dean felt all of this misery pile onto him AND there was the added bonus of Luci being thrown into the mix. So Sam had been suffering in silence. And Dean hadn't known. What the Hell! He would've known in two seconds what was wrong with Sam in the past or IF there had even been something wrong! But now, had they really drifted so far apart that Dean couldn't even tell? Especially when Sam still seemed to read him so easily? Had he really let his list of prioreties slip so much that Sam wasn't even on them anymore?
He replayed thos questions in his mind as he popped out of Sam's and onto the grass. This time, Sam really did bolt like a scared animal. But Dean felt content in that area, knowing he would head back to the motel. At least he still knew Sam that much...
But he had a lot of making up to do. And that was starting first thing in the morning, Dean was beat. He turned to say 'Goodbye,' or 'Goodnight' or even 'Thank You.' to Castiel, but he was already gone. Dean heard and saw nothing except the sound of wings and a feather, floating in the air gracefully.
Dean smiled and walked back to the motel at a leisurely pace. He could risk it, being there much after Sam, because he knew Sam wanted, needed, time alone. Time to think with that enormous skull of his. Dean smiled at the thought. And he began to think, 'What to do tomorow to make it all a little easier for Sammy?' As he thought this, he fingered the necklace that had laid around his neck since that Christmas all those years ago...
I want you to tell me if I should make it just this one-shot or add another chapter? Or... perhaps... a sequal set in currenter times, yea yea? So, you tell me inna PM or a Review, and I will do it! Luvvies, if you wish to be a minion of mine, you must go to a store... Buy a jumbo pack of Skittles... walk up to a stranger, or your mom, either is fine... and throw those Skittles in thier face! All the while, you must yell, 'Taste the EFFING rainbow, biiiitch!' and then book it before you get the cops called/beaten/disowned. Mwah, Mwah, kiss, kiss, bu-biy!
EGO mos vereor haud malum. EGO mos non inflecto. Nex does non vix mihi , neque nec operor vos. I will fear no evil. I will not bow. Death does not scare me, nor do you.