A/N:

Before reading, be forewarned that this is a contest for bad lemons. I just couldn't pass this contest up. It's total WIN.

I didn't have the heart to ask coachlady to beta this mess.

Read at your own risk.

*dramatic voice* I present: The tent scene Smeyer didn't want you to see...

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"Brrrr," I said. I was really, really cold.

"Hey, Bella?" Jake said.

"Huh?" I said.

"Why don't you come in the sleeping bag with me? I can keep you nice and warm."

I looked at Edward and his jaw was really tense. I didn't want to make him upset, so I waited to see what he would say.

After a long time of silence, Edward said: "Okay. But I don't trust that mutt. If you go under the sleeping bag, I do too."

"Okay," I said.

"Okay," Jake said too.

I got in the sleeping bag and cuddled into Jake's warm body. Edward laid behind Jake because he was too cold to be right next to me.

I suddenly felt Jake move his hips behind me and I felt something really hard and really big and I realized what it was with a loud gasp.

"What's wrong, love?" Edward said.

"I wanna have a threesome!" I blurted out of nowhere.

It was quiet for a long time.

"Okay," said Edward.

"Okay," said Jake.

We all stood up and the boys stripped the clothes off of my lithe body.

Edward stood behind me, his long, cold fingers tickling my bulging nubbin, the sticky fluid of my arousal oozing down my trim, porcelain thighs.

Meanwhile, Jake ripped off my bra, lowered his mouth to my pert breast and took a budding gland between his lips. I moaned super loud. His tongue's ministrations made my downy pubic hairs tremble with want.

"Oh, Jake, you make me so horny. I want you in my lustrous cavern!"

Before I could say another word, Jake had ripped off his boxers and wantonly revealed his huge scepter of love.

Then he dropped on his knees before me and darted his tongue out, making it lap deliciously over my dripping vulva. "ARGH!" I screamed as he suckled my swollen nubbin into his mouth until my knees collapsed from beneath me.

As soon as I hit the floor, Edward bent me over and slammed his unyielding staff into my gooey chamber. He dipped into me over and over and over again until I screamed so piercingly loud... like one of those crazy banshee ladies you read about on the internet when you Google Greek mythology or something like that.

Suddenly Jake's divining rod was in my face, the straining, purple, fleshy tip just begging for release as dewey, glistening droplets weeped out of his tiny pee-hole.

I slurped up those little droplets like a gerbil drinking out of its little water tube-thingy. I gorged myself on his pole, taking it deep into my mouth, siphoning the orgasm out of his ball sachet.

The combination of being with both of the men I loved was overwhelming and my entire ghostly-white body shivered and shook with moist, sticky pleasure.

Edward sloshed his manly baton into me until I got dizzy and finally came unleashed, thrashing around as liquid ecstasy drizzled out of my tight chamber, splattering down my legs into a juicy puddle of volcanic bliss-juice.

I screamed, but never stopped sucking Jake's wand of power. It didn't take long before hot bursts of his semen-y syrup erupted into my awaiting mouth. As he succumbed to the magically delicious sensations, Jake growled and started trembling. And then he wolfsploded right in front of me! He was a wolf, but like, really big! Like, bigger than one of those huge sheep-dogs!

Then he turned around and put his hairy wolf-butt in front my face and I was filled with salivating want as I imagined licking the dingle-berries off of it. Before I could do just that, he darted out of the tent.

I was confused.

Edward was panting behind me, relentlessly clobbering into my lightly-furred, slippery cavity as he said: "Jake wants me to tell you that he's leaving before he loses control."

"Okay," I said sexily.

Right after I said that, I heard Edward hiss and shriek and his movements became erratic. I said: "Come in me, Edward! Impregnate me with your salty nectar!"

And he came with a molten vengeance, his milky serum filling up my uterus and shooting into my needful ovaries.

"MKGRRGJLMBDZJIRQWH!" he said.

He collapsed behind me and I followed, wonderfully exhausted. Wolf-Seth came into the tent then, but I was too spent to cover myself.

As I succumbed to sleep, I heard a noise and hazily looked over. Wolf-Seth's tongue was lapping at a little puddle.

Strange, I thought.

Where did a puddle come from?

The end.

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Wolfsplode was snatched from shoefreak37's funny ass crack!fic, "Story about a vampire and human in love and stuff." The word is too epic for me NOT to steal it! LOL!

Dingle-berries: Little balls of crusted poop that cling to your buttcrack hairs.