Satellite Heart

"So pretty, so smart, such a waste of a young heart," said Pavarti as she fiddled with her gloves, taking them off and putting them on again. I knew she badly wanted to leave but, I honestly couldn't give a damn about what she wanted to do. This is where I needed to be right now, not at our huge, empty house pretending to do paper work I didn't care about while Pavarti watches the Do It Yourself Magic network downstairs in the off-white living while drinking martinis until she passes out on "our" really expensive, uncomfortable couch she bought.

"Pavarti, why don't you go on without me. I'll apparate home when I'm done here."

"Oh…ok. I guess that works. Um, I'll see you at home then," she mumbled with a confused expression on her plastic face before she turned around and walk down the grassy hill in her stilettos to our limo. I know that she doesn't understand why I am so attached to Luna because to her, Luna was just a healer of mine at St. Mango's but Luna was so much more than that.

Pavarti called out to me once more from the apparation point but I just stood there watching the undertakers with their loud talk and absent minded wand movements slowly cover Luna's cherry wood casket, ignoring my wife and her shrill yells. I was too caught up in the memories of Luna to respond and eventually she left with nothing but a cloud of dust swirling around in the air where she once stood with her foot tapping impatiently for me as it always does. I decided then and there that I will divorce her when I get back, leaving her behind just like the little rocks she kicked up when she disappeared from the road.

I turned back around to see the last of the men walking away, leaving behind small little bump of dirt covering my Luna below. She was truly something. She was so beautiful, generous, loving, caring, smart, down to earth, and just plain wonderful; she was everything I could ever want and need. Every time I think of her, I see her big gray doe eyes light up whenever she saw me. I wish I could see her breath taking eyes now, but I know that my love's eyes will never open up again. It seemed like it was only yesterday when I saw her for the first time, dancing in the rain out in the middle of Mango's courtyard; not caring about the panic or hysteria that was unfolding around her. I first thought she was a psych ward patient that got loose, but when she showed up in my office for an interview for as my healer/assistant dripping wet with a maniac look on her face, I fell in love. From then on, everything with her turned platonic and I found myself always at her side or thinking about her when I wasn't. She was just everything that Pavarti wasn't; she was real, selfless, genuine, kind, open, and understanding. The only flaw with her was that she lived in her own fairy tale, too far for anyone to reach. Her perspective lens of the world was cracked and this, I think, eventually killed her.

Thinking of her death made my breath catch in my throat, my eyes burn with unshed tears, and my heart feel as if it is being stabbed by a piece of ice. The day she died, I found her coiled up in her apartment with blood all around her, staining her clothes, carpet and her hair. There was a note in the chair I bought her for her 26th birthday saying she was sorry but she couldn't go on being the other woman in my life, the one I couldn't go home to at night, hold hands with as we walked down the sidewalk, or marry.

I hid the note when the police came and kept in the top left desk drawer in my office, along with all of the small things that reminded me of her. One memory though that I don't keep locked up in that drawer was the song she wrote for me on my 27th birthday...

"Nev, come here quick! I have something to show you!" she yelled from her living room sounding like a two year old on Christmas morning. I just laughed and grabbed our pieces of cake of the counter wondering what she could possibly want to show me.

I was taken back when I saw her in the living room sitting crossed legged on her coffee table; she didn't have any make-up on and was wearing just a black camisole and a pair of my sweatpants with all of her hair piled on top of her head in a huge mess, but she looked so beautiful sitting there strumming on her guitar, oblivious to everything.

"Hello! Earth to Nevielle! Are you there?" she laughed as she waved her hand in front of my face.

"Haha, yeah. I'm sorry; I just couldn't stop looking at you"

"Yes, yes, I know I look like a mess right now but I want you to hear something I wrote for you."

"I don't think you look like a mess, I actually like how you look right now."

"Hahaha, you're so funny! So hilarious!" she barked back sarcastically, but when looked at my face and saw how serious I was, she was taken aback, "You're not kidding are you?"

"Hahaha, your welcome, my love," I laughed as she quickly rearranged her face from confusion to anger.

"Ok, well enough with the jokes. Just sit down and listen, ok? I don't know if it's any good though but I wrote it for you so please don't laugh," she said with a stern look on her face. She then quickly relaxed her face, got her graceful fingers placed on the neck of the guitar and sighed before letting out the most beautiful noise I ever heard.

"What a pity, what a shame, what's the matter with you, man.

Don't you see its wrong, can't you get it right, out of mind and out of sight.

Call on all your girls, don't forget the boys, put a lid on all that noise

I'm a satellite heart, lost in the dark

I'm spun out so far, you stop, and I start

But I will be true to you

No matter what you do"

…It was the most beautiful thing I ever heard in my life or will ever hear. Her song was so dark, haunting , and truthful. She was really lost in the dark and so distant from everyone, and it was just by chance that I ever got the pleasure to be in presence and feel her radiating love. She was such a young heart and soul. I just wish I could've stopped her, but if wishes were rain drops, the whole world would be flooded. I just hope she is happy now, where eve she may be. I will truly miss her, my beautiful satellite heart.