Title: Little Pink Houses
Character/Pairing: Finn/Kurt, Puck/Rachel, Rachel's son/Kurt's daughter
Summary: Finn is pretty sure he's experiencing 'The Puckerman Curse' when Puck's son takes his daughter out for her first date.
Author's note: Inspired a prompt at the FinnKurt community prompt post, but then I realized I misread it. Whoops. I wrote most of this while I was super sick and collapsing on my laptop, so any lapses of judgment concerning name choices can be attributed to that. Or my weird sense of humor. Either. Thanks to josshouse, my beleaguered beta for picking through this.
Kurt and Finnessa had been in her bedroom for the past five hours, doing whatever secret makeover magic powers Kurt had that could turn the ugliest chick into a ten before the day was done. Of course, Finnessa wasn't ugly in the least. She'd gotten Kurt's bone structure and complexion, and Kurt had given her Finn's name, more or less. Not just after him, but because he said that it sounded like 'finesse' and according to Kurt, would be a great model name.
Finn had this feeling that Puck (and all the Puckermans) were out to steal everything good in his life. First it'd been Quinn, then Rachel, and then for a moment he could've sworn that Puck was going to have something with Kurt. (Kurt swore up and down this was just Finn having that 'jealous factor' going on. Good thing Kurt thought it was hot, because otherwise they'd have problems.) It got to the point where Finn wanted to yell what next, are you going to do my mom? He thought better of it, given Puck's thing for MILFs. But Finn had never envisioned it'd come down to this. Finnessa was up getting ready for her first date with Jonathan Puckerman. Finn could just see the I'm going to stick it to your daughter smirk, and it made him want to punch somebody.
Granted, their families had a long history together. They'd played together since they were in diapers, and Rachel was already entering her little darling in singing contests. They'd gone on shopping trips with their mothers. After highschool and Rachel hit Juliard and eventually, the broadway scene. Puck had moved to Cincinnati, and Finn had bumbled his way through college, mostly by cribbing on Kurt's notes. Not all of them had stayed friends. He knew that Mike and Tina had gotten married sometime ago, but they were in another state–California or Nevada, he couldn't remember which. He couldn't say where Sam and Artie had ended up, though he'd heard that Brittany and Santana had finally ended up together for real, in an open relationship. Quinn and Finn weren't exactly on the best of terms with how that one last chance flirtation at being together had ended, but she was still on speaking terms with Rachel, Puck and Mercedes. Sometimes Kurt brought news of the wreckage of her latest love affair. Through it all, he barely even knew where all the people he had tried so hard to impress were these days. Kurt still gave him a I told you so for that from time to time.
But through it all, a few of them had stayed close. Kurt had kept tabs with Rachel and Mercedes, and they'd supported each other through horrid directors and bosses from hell. Puck and he weren't really the calling or instant messaging type, so they might've lost contact altogether if he hadn't married Rachel in the end.
Jonathan tended to follow after Puck in mannerisms. It had taken him about two minutes to turn Finnessa into fine-ass-a and that was even before they hit middle school. It was one thing to hear daddy, Jonathan pulled my pigtails today and stole my Christian Dior beret! But somewhere along the line (five minutes later, it seemed) Finnessa was all grown up and now little Jonathan was trying to get with her. Finn had hoped that being raised as friends for so long would make them feel like it'd be incest, but unfortunately, it'd only seemed to strengthen their bond.
And Finn didn't like it one bit.
Carole and Kurt came out, beaming at the magic they had worked on her. She looked...well, to borrow a word from Kurt, radiant. Carole happily took photo after photo, even though it wasn't prom or anything really special. Kurt made the few last checks, and finally deemed her ready.
"Looks like it's time for the daughter stealer to come," Finn said, trying to put a humorous spin on it. Kurt gave him the I'm warning you, you're about to sleep in the doghouse look.
"Finn," he said warningly. "This is her special night. You're not going to ruin it like you and dad used to ruin my dates."
"But Daddy," Finnessa said, pushing a brown lock of hair back into place.. "Jonathan understands me. He has two gay granddaddies. He even stuck up for me when some guys called you and Papa cocksuckers."
All Finn could think was that he should've taken Rachel's offer of being their surrogate. Then he'd be able to play the real incest card. No sweetie, you can't date Jonathan, he's your half brother. Never mind that he had married his stepbrother. However, given their past romantic thing, and that for so long he had considered Rachel 'the one', he didn't think it'd be a good idea. So now here he was, sitting in the living room, waiting for Jonathan to spring his daughter away to a dark movie theater, and he knew the sorts of things that happened in dark movie theaters. He'd gotten his first handjob there from Kurt on their second not-date. That was to say nothing of Puck's stories of conquests he'd had while going to a movie theater.
(All he could think was that if Jonathan deflowered his daughter, he was so calling Puck and revoking their broship again. This was seriously the final straw. Letting him win on a Mario Bros. marathon was so not going to cut it this time.)
"Take care, sweetie," Kurt said. He air kissed her cheek, as to not smudge her makeup. "I will make sure that your father and grandfather don't follow you with a shotgun like they did with me."
"It was a blowtorch," Finn said.
Finnessa beamed. "Thank you, Papa."
He wanted to be cleaning the family blowtorch when Jonathan came home, but Kurt and Carole had threatened to put him in the doghouse if he did. So instead, he and Burt sat around, drinking beer. Burt had gotten up there in years, and wasn't moving around too good due to his heart issues. Kurt had even convinced them to move into a suburb outside the city and retire from his business.
Kurt and Carole may have thought this was a picture-worthy moment, but Finn just wanted to sulk somewhere.
"Did it ever feel like this?" Finn asked. He could barely keep himself from squeezing his beer can in a fit of fatherly rage.
"Every single time," Burt said. "That Blair guy, or whoever he was, almost gave me another heart attack. Every time I saw him, all I could see was evil smirks and him twisting a Snidely Whiplash moustache, and the kid didn't even have one."
Finn wanted to correct him. He was the one who Kurt had loved first, even if he'd been just an idiot kid who didn't even know what to do with himself back then. He'd been last with Kurt too, and that's what he reminded himself when thoughts of the people in between or sometimes how long it took to reach that point left a sour taste in his mouth.
Eventually, Carole and Burt's shows came on, and Finn wandered out to the kitchen to find something. Kurt had put anything good on lockdown, and Finn honestly didn't know what could be done with Arugula. He wouldn't even know what it was if Kurt hadn't aggressively introduced it into their family diet. He heard the sound of Kurt's about-the-same-price-as-their-mortgage shoes.
"I think Jonathan could be good for her," Kurt said.
"Are we forgetting the Puckerman curse? He'd probably break her heart by sleeping with her best friend."
Kurt embraced him and nuzzled into his shoulder, and Finn looked down to him. Finn sighed.
"You can't protect her forever, though. One day she's going to get her heart broken. It's just a part of life."
"I wish I could, though...I don't want her to have to go through what I did in high school."
"I certainly wouldn't wish what I had to go through in high school on her either," Kurt said. "But Jonathan isn't Puck, you know. I'd say Rachel had a pretty big influence on him. He's on the local Gay-Straight-Alliance, and from what I can tell, they spent most of their time discussing broadway."
"Great. Now she's going to have me comforting her when he turns out gay," Finn said.
Kurt laughed, and lightly swatted him. "Finn!"
"I just...don't want her to be grown up yet. Is that so bad?"
He'd stayed up for bottle feedings and gave her all the love that he never got to give little Drizzle, but would have. He learned how to change a diaper and held her hand when she had her first step. He used to bring her lollipops and she'd run through the house, wearing the type of glittery fairy wings as Kurt. He'd joined in on tea parties, taught her how to ride without training wheels and watched as Kurt fixed every scrape while she tried to be brave and looked up at him, her blue eyes on the verge of tears.
And now here she was, practically a grownup. All he could think was that this fatherhood thing should've come with a manual. He smiled at that. Man, Miss P probably never had a pamphlet for that one, though she should've.
"Anyways, you don't have to worry about her next time," Kurt said.
"There's another one?" Finn said, looking back in dismay.
"Rachel and I are taking them to see Wicked. You know she'll be too into it to even think about making out–besides, Rachel and I will be there to make sure there's nothing besides fangirling. You know it's an Original Broadway Cast Reunion?"
"You don't say," Finn said, with a smile.
Being in their household, Finnessa knew every line of the soundtrack by heart. Her middle name was even Kristin for, of course, Kristin Chenoweth. Most days when Finn came home, he'd hear both Kurt and Finnessa singing Defying Gravity at the top of their lungs together. Sometimes, Rachel would be there as well. More than once he'd come home to hear Rachel and Kurt doing a duet of What Is This Feeling. Rachel always felt more of a connection to the Idina Menzel songs, so that was one fight that was averted. But there would always be many more, for Rachel and Kurt were always disowning each other one day, and making up the next.
"And don't you worry. Rachel already gave him a talking to. She brought Quinn to lecture him on what being teenage and pregnant was like."
"I hope it sticks. Otherwise, the family blowtorch is getting some use," Finn said.
Kurt chuckled. "And if it comes to that, I'll help you. I can do some serious damage with those heels."
"Which ones?" Finn asked. He already knew. He couldn't say the titles, like Gu-something-or-other slingbacks or Balcyagiwhatchamacallit pumps. But he could tell them. The hot knee-high hooker boots they'd used for that club roleplay where he'd had to find and hire Kurt without even exchanging names for a fuck in an alley or a sleezy hotel–or both. It'd almost gone south with the way he'd got lost and how he'd almost punch that other guy who'd been chatting Kurt up out, but thankfully, Kurt had found it hot and they'd barely made it to the alley.
"Hmm. Which one should I use? Not the Guccis...what about the steel-toed dominatrix boots?" Kurt said, coy and sexy, brushing his hand against Kurt's arm.
Finn groaned. He loved Kurt in all the assortments of outfits that ensured their sex life never got remotely boring, but he had to say that the corset was his favorite. Coupled with those boots, more than once he'd come in his pants before the real action even started.
"Besides, you don't have to worry. I ensured that they're not going to get very far," Kurt said.
"Huh?" Finn asked, looking confused.
"I paid Jackie to cockblock her brother. After the baby, Puck's mother tried that with his sister. I hear it worked quite well," Kurt said.
"Have I mentioned that you're like, really smart lately? Or that I like, love you. A lot?"
Kurt smiled. "Not nearly enough. Now..." Kurt leaned up with whisper in his ear. "Let me take the worry away."
Finn suddenly felt a whole lot better about the whole deal.