Summary: Drabble about the damage that Edward Cullen can do in bed, to a bed.
Rating: M-rated for language, sexual situations
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, nor any of its characters, images, actors.
Title: A Headboard's Lament

Being a headboard can be a pretty awful job, when you get right down to it.

I mean, we see some pretty disgusting stuff that no piece of furniture should have to see.

The refrigerator, for example. Do you think that Mr. Frosty has ever had to witness granny sex or anal sex or anal granny sex? I don't think so.

Still, I am a very lucky headboard, all things considered. I was handcrafted by Italian artisans and then shipped off to a private island where a nice woman sings softly in Portuguese as she massages me every week with lemon oil.

Yes, there are far worse fates for a headboard. I know this. Some of my relatives are installed in rent-by-the-hour places and have no one looking out after them. No one who cares anyway. Hey, No-Tell Mo-Tel on Highway 40! Yeah, I'm talking to you! Would it kill you to wipe a headboard down with some bleach every now and again? Sheeesh!

So I had a real great thing going until he showed up. Now, the tall blonde guy and the caramel-haired lady who smiles a lot? They can get a little freaky-eaky, if you know what I mean. But they don't go shredding poor innocent headboards to pieces now, do they?

And sweet holy sandpaper, the sounds that boy makes as he thrashes around with his little darkhaired beauty on the mattress! Gaaarrr! Errehhhuuhh! Hunnhhff! Over. Just. Please. Now. There. Ufffnnhhhaaah. Ohhh. Ohhh, Ohhh, help me God!

I do have to say: I give the boy an A for enthusiasm. And he is a wonderful cuddler.

Still, just one night with those two, and I had gouges where I once had engravings.

And then, can you fucking believe it, then they do it to me again! Every night for a week! Do you have any idea what kind of spackle and varnish it is going to take to get me looking presentable again? And do you think that ordinary homeowner insurance covers "Any and all damage done by a century-old virgin vampire finally getting his groove on?" Nope. Not even in the fine print. Not even if you pay extra.

Luckily, the kind lady with burnt sugar hair really likes me and the tall blonde man absolutely adores her. So they will do the repairs that are needed; I am sure of it.

But I do have one thing to say to the bronze-haired boy who came and ripped the shit out of me repeatedly, over and over again, during his honeymoon on my island—my island, you hear me, my island—and here it is: You better watch your back.