Fake Psychics and Psychic Paper
Chapter One: Smith and Spencer and Burton.
Disclaimer: I do not own Psych or Doctor Who.
"This was a bad idea," Gus declared as they made their way towards the hospital.
"What are you talking about?" Shawn asked. "We haven't even gotten there yet!"
"And I can already tell that this was a bad idea," Gus insisted. "Maybe I'm psychic now."
"Don't be silly, Gus. If you were psychic then you'd know that this is a great idea. In fact, take it from me that it is," Shawn told him.
Gus rolled his eyes. "I know you're not psychic, Shawn."
"Lies and slander," Shawn said airily.
Before Gus could reply, a tall dark-haired man in a suit stepped in front of them and removed his tie. "Like so, see?" he said in a British accent.
"Not really," Shawn replied. "But may I say that you have some fantastic hair?"
The man grinned. "Why, thank you. I'm suddenly feeling a lot better about this." With that, he walked off into the crowd.
"What just happened?" Gus demanded.
Shawn shrugged. "Don't look at me. I was distracted by the hair."
"This is still a bad idea, Shawn," Gus said again, putting the strange man out of his mind.
"Why would you say that?" Shawn asked, a faux-hurt expression on his face. "And 'because it is' is not an answer."
"It absolutely is an answer," Gus disagreed. "But I don't need to use it. If you go in there with me then you're going to just waste time chatting up all the attractive women, cause a scene, and maybe even discover a murder."
Shawn stopped walking. "You say that like it's a bad thing."
"It is when I'm on my lunch break," Gus confirmed.
"You said you needed to be distracted from giving blood and I promise you that I will not fail you in my best friend duties now!" Shawn announced.
Gus groaned and sped up as it started to rain. "Oh, this is so a bad idea."
"No, walking into a building that's being rained on while the rest of the area is sunny is a bad idea," Shawn countered.
Gus shrugged. "Yeah, that probably would be a-Shawn. Are you trying to tell me that-"
"I'm not trying to tell you anything," Shawn interrupted.
"Are you sure?" Gus asked skeptically. "Because I could have sworn that-"
Once again, Shawn cut him off. "Yes, yes, I'm positive. Now come on, what time did you say your appointment was?"
"This is a bad idea," Gus announced.
"Gus, what is with you today? It's like you have some sort of cloud of negativity hanging over you and I'm starting to worry that it'll rain and mess up my hair," Shawn complained.
"Hospital food is never a good idea," Gus insisted. "Everybody knows that."
"Then once again everybody is wrong. I come here all the time. The food's great and I can usually talk them into not making me pay," Shawn said approvingly. "Besides, this is your lunch break so it would be absurd to go back to work without eating. And look! They have pineapples!"
Gus was about to answer when he happened to glance out the window and froze. "Uh, Shawn? You remember that rain from earlier? The rain that you swore wasn't at all strange?"
"Vaguely. Please tell me it stopped, I don't have an umbrella and I am not leaving this building if it means getting wet," Shawn informed him.
"The rain seems to be falling…up," Gus said slowly.
"Really? Huh." Shawn glanced over at the windows himself. "So it is. Well, either we're both hallucinating, the hospital managed to turn upside down and have some sort of artificial gravity, or aliens are involved."
"It's only 'either' if it's only two things, Shawn," Gus corrected.
"So…aliens?" Shawn asked.
Gus nodded. "It's the only explanation."
Shawn was just stealthily reaching for Gus' desert when he, the desert, and everything else in the room were flung every which way. Shawn was only just able to grab Gus' cake and his own pineapple before he crashed into a wall. His first instinct was to rub his head but he didn't dare let go of what he was holding. Everything continued to shake for a few more seconds before, as suddenly as it had begun, it all stopped.
Shawn quickly stood up and glanced out the window. "We appear to be on the moon."
"For the record," Gus said solemnly, "this is all your fault."
"Hey, it was your doctor's appointment," Shawn reminded him.
"And you're the one who didn't want to leave back when the hospital was nice and safe back on Earth," Gus pointed out.
As was often the case, no one else in the area was taking the situation nearly as calmly as the two detectives. The minute they heard that they were no longer on Earth, they began to cry out and head for the exit.
"Like that will do any good," Shawn said, shaking his head. "We're on the moon. We can't exactly walk back to Earth. There is a silver lining, though."
"There is?" Gus asked skeptically. "How do you figure?"
"It's impossible for us to call the police," Shawn said cheerfully.
"Funny. I thought you said 'silver lining' not 'lining of further crushing despair'," Gus noted. "Shawn, if we can't get to anything from Earth then it goes both ways. We're going to run out of air if we're up here for too long."
"We should have already run out of air," Shawn told him. "I mean, no one bothered to close that window over there even with all the rain."
"Very good point," a voice from behind them said.
Shawn and Gus turned around to see the man from earlier standing there.
"Hello again," Shawn greeted. "What was that about earlier?"
The man looked confused. "What was what about earlier?"
"You stopped us on the street, said 'like so, see?', took off your tie, Shawn complimented you on your hair, and you walked off," Gus explained.
The man thought for a moment before shaking his head. "No, sorry, I don't remember that at all. Must not have happened yet."
"It happened this morning," Gus disagreed.
"Since aliens are probably involved," Shawn began, "for all we know it did happen and they just erased his memory of that."
"And why would they do that?" Gus demanded.
Shawn shrugged. "How should I know? I'm not an alien."
"You suspect aliens are involved?" the man asked. "Why?"
Shawn and Gus gave him identical looks of disbelief.
"Because we're on the moon," Gus replied.
The man chuckled. "I suppose that is a bit of a giveaway. Some of the other people I talked to seem to think it was the government or that they're dreaming. What did you say your names were?"
"I'm Shawn Spencer and this is my partner Steve Bancroft," Shawn introduced.
"I'm the Doctor," the Doctor introduced.
"Doctor what?" Gus asked.
The Doctor just smiled. "Just the Doctor. So the question is, how are we still breathing?"
"Force-field?" Gus guessed.
"Maybe. Is there a balcony on this floor?" the Doctor asked.
"There's a patient's lounge not far from here," Shawn revealed. "Follow me."
He quickly led the way to the doors leading to the balcony.
"Nuh-uh. No way am I stepping foot outside of this hospital," Gus said stubbornly, crossing his arms.
"Gus, don't be the last pez in a pez dispenser," Shawn said reprovingly.
"It should be perfectly safe if your force-field theory is correct," the Doctor added. "Besides, if all the air were going to leak out once we opened the door or the temperature were to plummet then it doesn't matter if you came with us or not."
"If I die, we are officially no longer speaking," Gus warned.
Shawn pushed open the doors. "If we die, I don't think either of us will be speaking to anyone ever again."
"Unless we became zombies," Gus pointed out.
"Why would being on the moon cause us to become zombies?" Shawn asked reasonably. "Now you're just being silly."
"I think it's safe to say that we're not dead," the Doctor told them as he stepped outside.
Shawn and Gus followed him outside and Shawn promptly took out his camera-phone.
"Shawn, what are you doing?" Gus asked.
"Taking the most awesome amateur photo ever," Shawn replied. "Wait until Lassie hears that I went to the moon and he didn't."
"You two seem to be taking this very calmly," the Doctor noted.
"I'm a psychic," Shawn said dramatically. "It's all part of the job description."
"And I've known him for as long as I can remember," Gus said, jerking his thumb towards Shawn.
The Doctor nodded sympathetically. "That would explain it."
"Do you think we could collect some moon rocks?" Shawn asked suddenly. "They'd probably be worth a fortune."
"I don't think that's a good idea," the Doctor told him. "We don't know how far this force-field extends."
"Is there any way we could find out?" Gus asked.
"There's one way," the Doctor confirmed. He bent down, picked up a penny from the ground, and hurled it away from him. The penny soon hit force-field which glowed blue for a moment before bouncing back.
"See? That's at least five feet from the hospital doors," Shawn said triumphantly.
The proof of the force-field reminded Gus of his earlier concern. "How long do we have before we run out of air?"
"That would depend on how many people are in the hospital," the Doctor said. "It must be at least a thousand."
There was a loud noise and the group looked up to see some sort of space-craft passing above them and landing not far from the hospital.
"I think we've found our hospital-stealer," the Doctor said grimly. "Judoon."
"Judoon?" Gus repeated. "What the hell is a Judoon?"
"And he used a curse word so you can be sure that he really wants to know," Shawn added helpfully.
"They're like police," the Doctor explained as they went back inside to get a closer look at what the Judoon – who had entered the hospital – were doing. "Well…like police for hire. They're lawful but stupid. According to intergalactic law, they've got no jurisdiction over the Earth so they got…creative."
"So the rain earlier, that was them?" Gus asked. "That's how we got up here?"
The Doctor nodded. "H20 scoop."
"Is it just me or do they look like space rhinos?" Shawn asked, holding up his camera-phone again. "And is that totally awesome or what?"
"What are they doing here? Why did they bring us here?" Gus demanded.
"They're scanning everyone," Shawn pointed out. "And given that we now have living breathing proof of aliens – suck it everyone who has ever made fun of us for believing in UFOs – I'd guess that they're checking to see if we're human."
"What makes you say that?" Gus asked.
"What human could possibly not only break intergalactic law but make these space rhinos aware of it?" Shawn asked rhetorically.
"Good thinking," the Doctor told them. "The person they're trailing must either be a shape-changer or have a humanoid appearance…which is very bad news for me."
The Doctor had really run the gamut on reactions to the news that he was not, in fact, human but he had to admit that this reaction was a novel one. He didn't really see many new aspects of human behavior these days.
"Called it!" Shawn cheered. "Pay up!"
Grumbling, Gus reached into his pocket and pulled out a twenty-dollar bill. "I still can't believe you were right about that."
"Between the fact that I'm psychic and the allusion to time-travel earlier, I can't believe you weren't right about it," Shawn retorted.
"When did you two even find time to make that bet?" the Doctor wondered.
"We prioritize," Gus said simply.
"So…that doesn't bother you?" the Doctor asked hesitantly.
"You seem to be on our side against the space rhinos and we've always believed in the existence of aliens so…why would it?" Shawn asked, puzzled.
"Why indeed…" the Doctor murmured. "Come on," he said before taking off.
"They've reached the third floor," Gus reported as he ducked back into the room where the Doctor was examining the computer. "What is that thing?"
"I don't know but I want one," Shawn declared.
"Sonic screwdriver," the Doctor said tersely.
"Now that I know I want one twice as badly," Shawn told them.
"A sonic screwdriver? As in, a screwdriver that's sonic?" Gus asked.
The Doctor nodded. "Of course. What else would it be?"
"How in the world is that enabling you to search through a computer?" Gus demanded.
"I'd say 'magic' but the Time Lords hated magic and banished it from the universe," the Doctor replied. "So I'm going to have to go with 'science.'"
"Time Lords?" Shawn asked. "Is that what your people are called? Because if so then I've got to say that that is badass."
"A little pompous," Gus added. "But still badass."
The Doctor's shoulders tensed slightly. "Yes." He slapped the top of the computer suddenly. "What is it with this computer? The Judoon must have locked it down."
"Or maybe a sonic screwdriver isn't as useful for hacking as one might think," Gus opined.
"Why does this always end up happening to me?" the Doctor wondered aloud. "I was just passing by, I swear I was. I wasn't looking for trouble or anything. I'm not even usually in America, I was just taking a road trip after…and then I noticed the plasma coils so I checked myself in because I thought something was going on inside the hospital and now I'm on the moon."
"Story of my life," Shawn said sympathetically. "Though I usually don't end up on other planets."
"Mine, too," Gus added. "Though only when I'm with Shawn."
"And maybe I do look for trouble sometimes," Shawn admitted. "But only if it's really boring."
"Or I have something important to do for work," Gus said crossly.
"It's not like I plan my adventures around your work schedule!" Shawn exclaimed. "That would be ridiculous."
"And thus completely out of character for you," Gus said sarcastically. "Here's a thought: why can't you just leave the Judoon to find their fugitive? Sure, you'll need to hide in the meantime and the fugitive will probably do so as well but you've got a decent shot, at least."
"Why would he be in danger?" Shawn inquired. "Are they just planning on killing everything that doesn't register as human without checking to make sure it's who they're looking for?"
"Pretty much, yeah," the Doctor agreed. "I mentioned that they were stupid, right? And to answer your question, Gus, if the search takes too long then the Judoon might just declare the hospital guilty of harboring a fugitive and sentence it to execution."
"Aside from the appalling lack of oversight that that implies, why would they kill everyone in the building when, if the fugitive had any sense, he wouldn't tell anyone who he was so there'd be less chance of anyone cracking and letting the Judoon know?" Gus asked. "Oh right, they're stupid."
"You know, the more I hear about the Judoon the more I appreciate the good old cops of Santa Barbara," Shawn told them. "But my father must never know that I said that."
"Damn!" the Doctor swore.
Gus groaned. "Oh, now what?"
"The Judoon wiped the record from the computer!" the Doctor cried out. "There was no need for them to do that!"
"I'm starting to wonder why people not only hire these Judoon but why they're allowed to wander the galaxy unassisted," Shawn remarked.
"They look scary and they have a reputation for being both ruthless and incorruptible," the Doctor responded. "If they're involved in a chase, they'll still stop and obey the planet's traffic laws."
"What were you looking for?" Gus asked.
"Oh, I don't know. Any patient admitted in the past week with unusual symptoms," the Doctor replied.
Gus looked Shawn's way. "Well?"
"It's not that easy. What 'unusual symptoms' are we talking about?" Shawn asked. "I only saw a few charts."
"We should go find the head doctor," Gus suggested. "I'm sure he'd know or have some kind of written record."
"Good idea," the Doctor said, standing up. "Now do either of you have any idea where we could find him?"
The trio dodged the Judoon and the crowd of panicked people as they made their way to the head doctor's office.
They found two sentries in all black standing guard and an old lady with a straw standing over the body of the head doctor.
"I knew it. A Plasmavore," the Doctor identified.
"If we didn't know this was an alien, I'd so think this was a vampire," Shawn announced.
"I think it's a vampire anyway," Gus told him.
"Are there such things as alien vampires?" Shawn wanted to know.
"I don't see why they'd be any less likely than human vampires. In fact, they might even be more likely," Gus theorized.
"Do vampires use a straw, though? And a bendy one at that? I mean, really? We're supposed to take this seriously?" Shawn said derisively.
"I'm sure you'll have plenty of time to work that out after we run," the Doctor told them. "Speaking of…"
"So, you say you do this sort of thing a lot," Shawn remarked as they watched one of the Plasmavore's minions walk past them. "Do you really do it all by yourself? That sounds like a drag."
"Humans," the Doctor said, bemused. "We're stuck on the moon, running out of air, and trapped between Judoon and a blood-sucking criminal and you're asking personal questions."
"I'm feeling discriminated against," Gus announced.
"Was there a point?" Shawn asked. "I can't imagine being in a situation like this without Gus."
"Lucky me," Gus muttered.
"But then, I have been told that we're codependent…" Shawn trailed off.
Suddenly a Judoon was right in front of them. He scanned the Doctor. "Non-human."
"Run!" the Doctor ordered, taking off.
Behind them, they could hear some sort of laser-weapon being fired.
"This is the worst police work I've ever seen!" Shawn complained as he ran down the hall. "My father would have a heart attack!"
"The Judoon won't go back to check a floor they've checked already. I hope," the Doctor said once they had dashed down the stairs.
"That won't do us any good if they check every floor then 'execute' the hospital," Gus pointed out. "And is it just me or are we starting to run out of air?"
"We don't have much time," the Doctor agreed. "But at least we know who we're looking for. That's something, right? And I think I know where she's going."
"Non-human! Execute!" one of the Judoon said as he marched towards them.
"Look, I need time. You'll need to hold them up," the Doctor told them seriously.
"No problem, I'm good at that," Shawn assured him.
"I'm not!" Gus protested.
"Let me apologize in advance for this and also assure you that this is done solely in the name of helping you buy me time," the Doctor said seriously.
Before Gus could ask what he meant, the Doctor's lips were on his. A moment later, the Doctor was gone.
"W-what? Did he really just kiss me?" Gus sputtered. "How is that supposed to buy him time?"
"If they're scanning for non-humans then maybe that kiss will confuse the sensors," Shawn guessed.
"That would be great except for the fact that they want to kill whatever isn't human in this hospital!" Gus exclaimed. "If they did kill the Doctor, would they even bother looking for the real fugitive?"
"Let's hope we don't have to find out. Now come on," Shawn said, stepping forward to meet the Judoon.
"This is so all your fault," Gus grumbled as he followed suit.
The Judoon scanned Shawn. "Human." He turned Gus' way. "Human. Wait. Non-human element suspected. Non-human element confirmed."
"Well which is it?" Shawn demanded. "Is he human or isn't he? If he just came into contact with a non-human then I doubt he's hiding them on his person. Unless your alien is really, really small in which case I'm having difficulty believing that they could have pulled off any heinous crime."
"We must do a further scan," the Judoon announced, pulling out a new scanner.
"Oh, now you're doing a more in-depth search but before just being non-human was a killable offense," Shawn muttered.
"You're really not helping," Gus hissed. He stood as still as he was capable of (which wasn't very given that he was trembling).
At long last, the Judoon in front declared, "Human with traces of facial contact with non-human." He marked Gus' hand as having been scanned and handed him a paper. "You will need this."
"What is it?" Gus asked blankly.
"For being searched? Sweet!" Shawn declared. "I wonder if that's valid on Earth…"
"Probably not," Gus replied. "And it won't be valid anywhere if we're all executed or run out of air."
"So…now what?" Shawn asked.
"You wanna follow the Judoon?" Gus asked. "Should be safe enough since we've been scanned and the Doctor isn't here."
They followed the Judoon into the MRI room just in time to hear the real fugitive exclaim in a high-pitched voice. "Now look what you've done! This poor man has just up and died of fright!"
"Scan him," the Judoon leader ordered. A moment later. "Confirmation, deceased. Stop. Case closed."
Shawn's eye twitched. "Are you absolutely sure that he was the fugitive you were looking for? Surely you had some other way of identifying her besides the fact that she wasn't human?"
"Do you have anything helpful to add?" the Judoon demanded, turning to Shawn.
Shawn nodded. "Surprisingly…yeah. Scan her again and you'll see that she's not human, either."
One of the Judoon did this. "Non-human."
"Confirm analysis," the leader ordered.
"This is absurd! I'm as human as they come," the fugitive protested.
"Confirmed. Plasmavore. Charged with murdering the child-princess of Padrivole Regency Nine," the Judoon leader stated.
"Wait…so they could me more specific this whole time? Then why try to kill the Doctor before seeing if he was the Plasmavore?" Gus demanded.
"Because they're kind of stupid," Shawn whispered.
"Well she deserved it!" the fugitive said viciously. "Those pink cheeks and those blonde curls and that simpering voice! She was begging for the bite of a Plasmavore."
"So…crazy then," Shawn noted.
"I love it when murderers blame their victims for 'deserving it' or 'making them do it'," Gus deadpanned.
Meanwhile, the fugitive had run into the next room behind the glass. "Enjoy your victory, Judoon, because you're going to burn with me. Burn in He-"
Unfortunately, she couldn't finish that sentence as she was promptly incinerated.
"Is it just me or is a magnetic overload something that's really reallybad?" Shawn asked rhetorically.
"Well, our job is done. Goodbye," the leader of the Judoon said before he and his men all but ran from the room.
"Well, that's helpful," Shawn muttered. "Gus, do you have any idea how to stop something like this?"
"No," Gus said grimly. "The Doctor might, though."
"I thought they said he was dead," Shawn said, frowning.
"Maybe we can bring him back. It's our best chance," Gus said as he got to his knees and began performing CPR on the Doctor.
"Hurry," Shawn urged. "I think it's going to explode and we're running out of air regardless."
Gus started pumping the Doctor's chest. At first it looked like nothing was happening but since this really was not only their best shot at survival but their only shot, he kept trying. Eventually, his efforts paid off as the Doctor started to cough. Gus passed out right before the Doctor revived, however.
"Scanner," Shawn gasped out, barely conscious himself. "She…did something…"
The last thing he saw was the Doctor climbing to his feet, a look of determination on his face.
"Shawn!" Henry cried out the moment Shawn exited the building.
"Hey, Dad," Shawn said casually. "How was your day?"
"Oh, don't even give me that," Henry said gruffly before pulling his son into a hug.
"I'm probably going to regret this," Lassiter said once Henry had pulled back. "But Spencer, I'm going to need a complete account of what happened here today."
Shawn grinned. "How long do you have? Because let me tell you, not only do I have the epic story of space rhinos and alien vampires ever but I've got the pictures to prove it."
"It's true," Gus confirmed. "It was all the Judoon's fault this happened, you see."
"Judoon?" Shawn asked blankly. "Please, you know it was the space rhinos…"
"I can't believe you managed to talk the Chief into paying us for saving the hospital," Gus marveled later that night as they were walking along the street. "I mean, the police weren't even remotely affiliated with it – well, the human police, at least – and the Judoon got away scot free.
Shawn grinned. "And just wait until you hear what I'm getting for those pictures I took."
"And yet, despite getting a huge sum of money once again, I'll bet you anything that by this time next month you'll be broke again," Gus predicted.
Shawn made a face. "Don't tell me I'm getting predictable."
"If you don't think you can handle it then I won't," Gus said magnanimously.
They heard a cleared throat off to the side. "Am I interrupting anything?"
"Doctor! Hey. We didn't see you after we, well, landed," Gus greeted. "Good to see you're alright."
The Doctor shrugged. "Dealing with the press and the police aren't really my thing."
"Especially not after those space rhinos," Shawn commiserated. "So what are you doing here anyway? And since when did this street have a British police box from the 60s?"
"I just thought that, since you saved my life, you might fancy a trip," the Doctor offered.
"I'm in," Shawn said instantly. "Gus?"
"Into space?" Gus asked. "Well…maybe when I can get some vacation time. I can't go right now, of course, because I have work in the morning."
Shawn rolled his eyes. "Pharmaceutical companies ruin everything."
"Can you come back in a couple of weeks?" Gus asked.
"If it helps, I can travel in time as well," the Doctor informed them. If he was expecting disbelief, he didn't get it.
"That would explain what happened this morning," Gus realized. "Alright, if you go back to this morning, take off your tie and say 'like so, see' then we'll believe you."
"And we would LOVE to come," Shawn enthused.
"Would it be in that little thing?" Gus asked worriedly. "It looks a little…cramped."
"It's called the TARDIS. Bigger on the inside," the Doctor said casually. "Now if you'll just wait here…"
He got into the box, the box disappeared with a whirring sound, and then reappeared just a second later.
"Told you," the Doctor said smugly, his tie in his hand. "And may I just say, Shawn, that I like your hair as well."
"I think I'm in love," Shawn replied. "Don't tell Jules."
"So would it just be us or do you have a crew or something?" Gus asked.
"Just us. For now. I sometimes have other people travelling alongside me. One just recently in fact. Rose, her name was. Rose," the Doctor said awkwardly.
"Must be an ex," Shawn whispered.
"Not that you're replacing her!" the Doctor said seriously.
"Hey, you kissed me," Gus pointed out. "I'm still annoyed about that, by the way. Next time it's absolutely essential to kiss one of us to save the day, kiss Shawn."
"Now now, there's no need to make the man uncomfortable," Shawn retorted. "If he'd rather kiss you to save the day then he'd rather kiss you."
"I mean it, you two. Just one trip and then it's back home," the Doctor said sternly.
Gus and Shawn exchanged looks that clearly said 'yeah, right.'
"Anything you say," Shawn said, opening the door to the TARDIS. "Say, you got pineapples in here?"