T/N: Part 2! I hope you enjoy. Once again please note that this is a translated fic. The original version is in French and the author is Sorn The Lucifer's Angel, who was kind enough to let me translate her fanfiction^^
A/N: I said that I would do it, and I did it. Here is the second part of It's Only a Game, from Remus' POV.
Still just as sick, but longer, this new one-shot took a long time to come (more than a year) but it's finally here. That being said, the influences cited in It's Only a Game still have a predominant role here.
Disclaimer: All characters, places, etc. belong to J.K. Rowling, only the idea of this fic belongs to me.
I Won't be Your Toy
It's always just been a game, you know.
Your little schemes, your words, your traps, I saw them for what they were: games.
I knew what you were like, I knew that you'd never been serious, that you never would be.
Did you honestly believe that I would fall into your arms?
You were a friend, yes, a marvellous friend, even if sometimes I don't really know what I was doing with you. Well, except for the benefits of course.
Many people thought I was a nice, sweet little Griffindor, a perfect prefect, respectful and respected, a recognised Marauder. It was so amusing to see them all fall for it.
No, I'm not as perfect as they'd like to think, no, I'm not as nice as they believe, but what do they know anyway? Don't they say that appearances are often deceiving?
I knew all your tactics, Sirius, I knew how you acted, your methods of flirting, your recurrent habits.
Did you honestly believe that I wouldn't see them?
Did you honestly believe that I wouldn't notice your sudden quieting down, your abrupt calmness, your strange lack of interest in conquests of the fairer sex? Don't make me laugh!
It was so obvious that you wanted me from the way you looked at me, followed me, addressed me, got close to me! You're far from being the most subtle being in the world, Black.
You know that I always hated being fooled and not being in control of something. The jealousy that you demonstrated, your increased possessiveness, the excessive attention you paid me during these months...it was unbearable.
I refuse to be your toy, Sirius Black, don't you forget that!
And yet...I thought that you would get bored after a while, that you would suddenly come to your senses, that you would realise you were chasing after a boy. But no, you didn't grow tired of this chase, you still pursued me, more and more virulently. After all, didn't you tell me one day that the more someone resisted you, the more you desired them?
I knew you weren't scared of challenges and that on the contrary, you did everything you could to find one. How many reputable inaccessible girls had you already corrupted?
And your stubbornness started to scare me. When would you stop this stupid game? When would you finally leave me alone?
I did everything I could to avoid you, never found myself alone with you – God knows what you could have done then! I always took care never to find myself by your side, as you certainly would have taken advantage of that, and I only spoke to you when it was absolutely necessary. In short, the farther away I was from you, the better off I was.
But your ardour didn't weaken and it was driving me crazy. What exactly did you want from me?
You had always bragged about friendship and loyalty being your principal values. Wasn't I supposed to be your friend? So why were you courting me like one of your usual common conquests?
No, I realise that it's true you aren't usually so persevering. But I never said I would be an easy case. You knew me Sirius, didn't you? Did you still believe that you could have me with a snap of your fingers?
I saw how you had let go of all your other chases to focus on my case alone. Vain attempt to make me believe that you were serious.
The sweet words, the impromptu letters, the "accidental" contacts, the occasions you seized to find yourself alone with me...do you honestly believe that I was clueless? I'm not one of your groupies that you use and toss aside, Sirius, you need to know that.
Why did you suddenly take interest in me? I haven't got a damn clue. A new challenge? A new experiment? A desire for novelty? Anything was possible with you, after all.
Finding your face just several inches from mine in the morning, your eyes staring deep into mine, whispering Moony in a smooth voice in my ear when you placed yourself furtively behind me, devouring every movement I made with your eyes, "accidentally" bumping into me when I came out of the lavatories, offering me outrageously priced gifts all the time, these were just several examples of all the seduction techniques that you used in order to have me.
You didn't even allow me to go out with other people, to see other people. You made me understand very well that I was only yours, and that, more than anything, infuriated me. No one had a right to me and you should have known that for a long time. How did you expect me to react if you told me "You're mine" all the time when I was of a very independent nature?
That shows just how little you knew me.
I admit to sometimes playing with you and annoying you on purpose. I knew about your legendary jealousy and I wasn't shy about responding favourably to attention from others. Your all-consuming fury and hatred for them was all the more amusing. Ah, it's a shame that you strive so hard to place a protective cocoon around me. Or maybe I should say impenetrable walls.
Why didn't I accept your advances, plain and simple? Because I didn't like boys, because you were my friend, because you were Sirius Black, and especially, because it was just a game.
I would have had to be completely mad to agree to go out with you. Or forced to do it. And that's how it sort of ended up.
This bloody "obsession" that you had with me was making you crazy. Your act was unbearable. I no longer had any freedom and your unhealthy jealousy wasn't amusing anymore.
The kiss against my will was the last straw.
Naively, I had told myself that you still had some respect for me, that our friendship was still worth something. Apparently I was gravely mistaken. I would have never thought that you would go to such extremes.
You disappointed me, Sirius.
All you wanted was to have me, to possess me, and nothing else. But you know, Black, I won't be your toy. Ever.
Even when I protested, even when I hit you, you didn't want to let me go. The madness in your eyes made you unrecognisable. You were no longer the person I knew, you had become someone else.
I know you enjoyed this "kiss", but that wasn't the case for me. At all.
How was I supposed to think that this near-rape was nice?
Yes, it's a big word, but that's undoubtedly what would have happened if I hadn't succeeded in stopping you.
I came down from the dormitory afterwards, shocked beyond words. Never, oh never ever would I have so much as thought that you could go so far. I trembled with fury, disgusted with you, but also with myself for not reacting earlier and anticipating your reactions.
I knew you well, I should have known that you could go that far!
But no, that wasn't true. You had never gone so far, had never demonstrated this much inhumanity towards someone!
You had paid no attention to my protests, thinking only of your lust and your urges, ignoring what I thought, what I wanted – or didn't want, in this case.
Are you that diabolical, Sirius Black?
Still shook up, I was startled by James and, worried about me, he asked me what had happened.
I told him everything.
The fact that nothing stopped you anymore, the fact that your obsession with me made me sick, how much you were destroying my life, how tired of it I was, how disgusted I was at seeing that our friendship was no longer worth anything in your eyes...how much I hated the fact that you wanted me as a toy and how much this act repulsed me.
I don't think James had any idea how serious the situation was.
Sirius was his best friend, his brother in everything except blood, and suddenly he was going so far as to almost rape one of his best friends? No. That didn't fit at all with the image he had of him.
And yet, he had noticed the chase that Sirius had undertaken for several months, how he had focused on one prey alone: me.
He had noticed all the gestures, the looks, the innuendos. He would have had to be blind to see nothing while the whole school was aware!
I know that he talked to you after that. He undoubtedly gave you an earful.
But that didn't change the situation any.
Even James no longer had any power over you. You had become a wild, uncontrollable being, possessed by the sole desire of dominating me.
You became more unbearable than ever, even more virulent than before, wasting no chance to get close to me, despite James' obvious disapproval and his protectiveness towards me.
You became more aggressive, even less respectful. You didn't care if having me meant fighting or rendering me incapable of defending myself!
Your actions that were more or less controlled in the beginning weren't contained at all anymore. You weren't shy about trying to press yourself against me, attempting to steal a kiss from me, or wanting to pin me against the wall, having anything but praiseworthy actions in mind.
James acted as a bodyguard towards me, as well as, less often, Peter. They had both turned against you, seeing how your madness worsened day by day. From the moment they rested on me, your eyes clouded with lust and a faint light of madness shone in them. Your constant supervision and your knowing smile seemed to only mean one thing: "you're mine, whether you want to be or not."
Months passed and my life was like a hell more dreadful by the day. You were the devil that manipulated me, and the flames that burned me, the flames of my hatred, of your passion, and of your perverted insanity.
One night, a year after you had begun this chase, you permanently crossed acceptable boundaries.
Had you been planning this for a long time? Was this what you were thinking about when I sometimes heard you panting and moaning in the middle of the night, when I was unable to sleep because of the stress that you caused me? Or was it the result of a sudden and overpowering urge that could be attributed to your fiery character? I don't know, and I doubt I'll ever know.
I still remember how in the middle of the night, you got on top of me, in my bed, to kiss me as if your life depended on it.
I was asleep and I don't remember what I was thinking about at that moment, but I believe I remember responding to your kiss. To your great satisfaction, I don't doubt.
You weren't a bad kisser. You were even a pretty good kisser, and it wasn't unpleasant, once one forgot the fact that you were a boy. Of course, having my eyes closed and being half-asleep, I couldn't be aware of this fact.
You had entangled your legs with mine – or was I the one who had subconsciously intertwined them? - and I felt you react to my touch. The act, while not sexual, was somewhat resolutely erotic.
Fortunately for me, I ended up waking up – I don't dare think about what could have happened otherwise! - and, noticing that it was you I was kissing, I promptly pushed you away, disgusted.
You were taken aback, bothered by my abrupt awakening. Lust had annihilated every logical thought in your brain and left only animal impulses in its wake. Fortunately, the shock of the blow had somewhat brought you to your senses and stopped you from jumping me a second time.
Then there was a bit of verbal sparring and a careful distance was put between us. Well...distance is a pretty big word. Two growing adolescents in a bed meant for one person, one of whom was still partially stretched out and the other having been perched on top of him a second earlier, didn't exactly correspond with the usual idea of distance. You kissed me a second time, which infuriated me. But once more, you didn't let me go, and I decided not to stop you, waiting until it was over. You tried to convince me that you were sincere, and I admit that for an instant, a brief instant, I believed it. I sometimes thought I saw a hint of tenderness in your expression, but it was often shrouded by the flame of a more carnal lust. I convinced myself that I was just hallucinating in those cases.
All the talking that you did then! You guaranteed me unconditional love, absolute sincerity. And for an instant, I believed that you were telling the truth. You really seemed sincere and you had never begged anyone before.
In the end, I didn't give you a chance, but I didn't refuse you one either. A no would have made you even more unbearable and a yes would have been too encouraging.
I came to hate you Black, you and your bloody habits, you and your bloody possessiveness. I could no longer take you and the traps that you set for me, all of the occasions that you seized to try to have me. I really couldn't take anymore, and that's what made up my mind to finally give you what you wanted...so you would finally leave me alone!
Weeks went by. You seemed to finally realise that constantly assaulting me might not be the right tactic to use and that you had to let me breathe. This was an immense relief for me and I finally let you get close to me.
I didn't tell James what had happened that night, and I doubt that you did either. That would have risked Prongs murdering you on the spot.
You no longer acted like a charmer, but almost like...like an exemplary and gentlemanly lover. I could have laughed at this change of situation if only I wasn't the first person concerned!
The embraces that you reserved for me at any moment, your presence which was no longer intrusive but simply reassuring, the attention you paid me...yes, these really were things that would have made the perfect suitor.
I knew very well that this new "side of your personality" was just one of the numerous methods that you could use to seduce me. But it was amusing to see you transform little by little into a docile and obedient puppy.
I let you do as you pleased, more out of curiosity than anything else. It's true that I felt nothing but friendship towards you, and I wasn't particularly homophobic. Moreover, giving you what you wanted – well, not really everything that you wanted – finally allowed me to breathe after a year of pure imprisonment.
"Hm, hello Moony," a voice whispered in my ear. I shivered involuntarily.
Arms tightened themselves around me and I quickly freed myself, causing my assailant to lightly grumble in disappointment.
Black, of course.
"What did I do wrong this time?" You groaned, discontent.
I moved a bit farther away, putting a polite but careful distance between us.
"You already told me hello this morning," I replied, without worrying about your question.
My comment wasn't mean. It was just an observation.
"Is it a crime to tell you it again?" you asked, raising an elegant eyebrow, with this ghost of a seductive smile that you had learned never to show in my presence.
I crossed my arms against my chest, giving a hint of a smile.
"When you tell me it a dozen times each day as a pretext to take me in your arms, yes."
Your smile fell. Even if you knew that, you didn't like for me to push you away.
"It's just a display of affection, Moony."
I rolled my eyes.
"Keep your signs of affection to yourself, Sirius," I replied as I turned around to go to the dormitory. Transfiguration homework awaited me.
After the door had slammed behind me, I counted the seconds. More than a minute went by. After that amount of time, I knew that you wouldn't follow me.
Giving a sigh of relief, I leaned against the headboard of my bed, absent-mindedly re-reading my essay.
Inevitably, my gaze returned to the door of the dormitory.
You had ended up understanding how to react with me and you had become calmer, more "civilised". But somehow...I missed your old attitude.
So I could have effortlessly pushed you away, I could have easily and remorselessly kept my distance from you, because I needed to avoid your depraved madness.
But now... now it was as if our old friendship was back and it was difficult to find something to reproach you for. I pushed you away, you didn't persevere, as you would have done several weeks ago. You were no longer the mad Sirius that I had learned to fear, who I had learned to keep at a distance. You had become almost normal again and if it wasn't for the more feverish looks that you gave me sometimes – or the purely hateful ones towards those who came too close to me for your liking -, I would have almost believed that you had abandoned your chase.
But I knew that this was just a new pick-up technique. It was just a bit more subtle than the others.
And it might even have been effective.
Two months went by before I finally gave in.
I was curious and exasperated. Certainly, if I gave you what you wanted, you would subsequently leave me alone? Even if you were less intrusive than in the past, you were still very – too – possessive and you had only changed on the outside. You were truthfully still as determined and persevering as before.
And...my curiosity had been piqued.
Everyone knew that you were handsome. Everyone would have loved to be the object of so much attention from Sirius Black. I had stopped counting the jealous, envious looks that people gave me nor the various whispers of "well when is he going to decide?" when I passed.
Everyone dreamt of having Sirius as a lover. No, not as a boyfriend, all of Hogwarts knew that he was never faithful. But Sirius was handsome, Sirius was rich, Sirius was intelligent, Sirius was a pure-blood...Sirius was perfection incarnated.
But Sirius only had eyes for his bookworm friend, the kind and sweet Remus Lupin. The mysterious Gryffindor prefect and the voice of reason among the Marauders.
It's a shame, isn't it?
And then...maybe it wouldn't so unpleasant in the end? I had already kissed Black – though against my will – and it hadn't been as horrible as I would have thought. I just had to forget the fact that it was a boy and one of my best friends.
And then, maybe he would be calmer, now that he knew he no longer had to chase after me?
Out of curiosity and in order to be left alone...I was willing to try going out with Sirius Black.
It was the middle of April, the point where we tell ourselves that we still have a little time before the panic of May and the nightmare of June. The carefree transition period when the professors constantly harped that you need to pay attention, exams are almost here, pay more attention to your classes or you'll regret it!
The month was still cool, but the sun was already beaming its morning rays on the grounds that had been plunged into lethargy.
I could clearly hear the sound of approaching footsteps in the dew-drenched lawn. It could be none other than you this early on a Saturday morning.
"I've never understood why you love to freeze so early in the morning while any teenager in his right mind would be sleeping in," came a voice behind my back.
I didn't have to wait long before I felt his familiar embrace tighten around me. But this time, instead of avoiding it, I let myself be pressed against Sirius' torso.
It was cold at this time of the morning and your body was warm, it felt nice.
You noticed my strange behaviour and took advantage of it by tightening your grip on me as you whispered in my ear: "You aren't going to push me away?"
I shook my head, letting a smile play on my lips. A smile that I knew you couldn't see.
"I'm cold," I responded simply, as if that explained everything.
A low laugh escaped your throat, sending vibrations through my body and a warm breath on the nape of my neck.
"You just have to ask for me to warm you, Moony. You know that I'd gladly do so."
Your innuendos, your low, lightly veiled, seductive voice...I would have avoided it all earlier. I would have pushed you away, rolled my eyes and given an exasperated sigh. But now...
"Hm, you aren't going to stop me from saying it? That's really rare...so rare that I'll take advantage of it," you whispered, daring to open my collar a bit to place a light kiss on the nape of my neck. I shivered but I didn't protest.
"Rem?" I sensed in your voice disbelief mixed with hope and excitement. This was much more than I had let you do up until now. You undoubtedly thought you had finally won me over.
"Yes?" I responded softly, staring at the lake with a smile on my lips.
You were so sure of yourself, so proud...it was so easy to trap you.
"Are you feeling okay?"
"You're not stopping me."
"That's unusual coming from you. I thought that I disgusted you?"
I turned myself around in your arms, the enigmatic smile still playing on my lips.
"Maybe you don't anymore," I said in a lightly playful tone.
I felt your breath catch in your throat as your eyes rested on my face, then my mouth, darkening more every second. I knew that this smile drove you crazy.
Yet, in the middle of this maelstrom of desire and satisfaction, I detected a trace of doubt in your eyes. Even if you had been led by your instincts like an animal, you weren't as stupid as one.
"What do you mean by that, Moony?" You murmured, subconsciously letting your hands run along my back.
Deciding that it would be more effective to show you rather than tell you, I kissed you.
I heard, or rather felt you, exclaim in surprise at what I had done. As quickly as I had started the kiss, I stopped it.
However, you didn't see it that way and you soon put your mouth to mine again.
I felt something break inside you. Like the barriers that you had contained your lust behind for so long. How long had it been since our last kiss? Three months? Maybe more? You could finally kiss me and you welcomed that. Asking questions and thinking would come later. Acting was first.
As you kissed me more heatedly and passionately than I had ever experienced – not speaking of technique – I had to admit that the kiss was far from being unpleasant. Very far even.
In the end, there could be a good side to this situation too.
A groan escaped your throat as you brought me even closer to you, by no means holding yourself back with me. The kiss was ravenous, feverish, passionate. Your hands somehow found a way to fight their way under my shirt, cold to the touch as they caressed my bare back and torso.
I could feel your arousal against my thigh underneath our layers of clothing.
Finally, out of breath, you stopped kissing me.
Your delightfully flushed face, your swollen lips, your eyes clouded and shining with lust, I surprised myself by thinking you were handsome.
"You didn't stop me."
Your assertion was full of jubilation, immense joy, a bit of triumph, and disbelief. As if you were savouring your success while hardly daring to believe it.
I shook my head, not trusting my voice not to betray me.
I was uneasy, here in your arms, while you literally devoured me with your eyes, with a hunger that I hadn't seen since our first kiss.
Had it been a mistake for me to give in?
"Why Moony?" you whispered, stroking my face with a trembling hand. As if you were afraid I would fade away at any moment.
There. The tenderness was there again. The tenderness that I thought I had imagined.
It scared me right now.
Swallowing with a bit of difficulty, I gave a weak smile. "I told myself…why not try?"
"Try what?" Your eyes were blazing. Their intensity both fascinated and scared me.
I could feel it in every fibre of my body. The look telling me tell me what I want to hear.
"To try…with you."
And all of a sudden, your face literally lit up. Your features radiated joy and the sight was as surprising as it was magical. My breath caught in my throat.
For a few seconds, just a few seconds, I surprised myself by believing that you had actually been sincere when you said that you loved me, that, maybe, it could all lead to something.
Your head buried in my neck, finally taking advantage of what you hadn't been allowed to do for a year, you murmured against my skin:
"Now that I have you…I won't ever let you go."
The rest is a bit vague in my mind. What I remember is going back to the castle with you, just in time to have breakfast on a Saturday morning.
You didn't seem to want to let me go for more than a second. The look that you gave me was in turn triumphant, possessive, and almost adoring.
However I clearly remember James' expression upon seeing our fingers laced together – despite all my efforts, you seemed determined to show everyone that I was yours. Incredulity, shock, suspicion, anger, pain: that's what I saw in his eyes.
His mouth open like a fish out of water, not yet completely awake – trying to spread butter on one's bread with a fork has never proven itself very effective. Especially when one tries to use pumpkin juice instead of apricot jam – James could have been amusing if only the situation wasn't so serious.
He, above all, was the one who had protected me from Sirius. He was the one to whom I had poured out my hard feelings, my misfortune, my anger, my disgust at this chase that his best friend had decided to undertake. He had become my ally, turning his back on Black, the person he had always considered as his brother.
And to see us, there, as a couple, freely showing ourselves off without him being warned about whatever this was...I could clearly understand what he felt: he thought he had been betrayed.
Betrayed not only by his brother who had disregarded common sense and been so crazy as to set his heart on me, but also betrayed by me, because I had turned against him.
With a tightened jaw and a harsh look, James left the table, taking with him a lost Peter who hadn't yet noticed us approaching, and his half-eaten breakfast.
A glance told me that Sirius, all too happy to finally have me, had only paid minimal attention to his best friend's departure. He was paying more attention to the Great Hall, throwing victorious and terribly satisfied glances at those who dared come a bit too close to his prey.
The message was more than clear: mine.
If I had found his attitude offensive before...I was amused by it now. Sirius was so predictable, so ridiculously proud!
Now, all that remained was to find out how much time our attempt would last.
Yes, attempt. I had flatly refused to label our relationship as being serious.
I knew that your record was twelve days. I planned to beat this. After all, after a year of torture, I could very well leave my mark, no?
You were on cloud nine. To see the crest-fallen faces of your rivals filled you with joy, and you didn't miss an opportunity to be next to me, to hug me, to kiss me.
Little by little I got used to this routine, this attention. Kissing you no longer bothered me, I might even agree that I enjoyed it, in a way. You were still possessive, certainly, but your attitude hadn't really changed from the behaviour that you adopted before I had agreed to try going out with you. You were just a bit more present, and more...tactile? Determined? If you had held yourself back before, now it was up to me to put up boundaries when you went too far. Did you think I was that easy?
Too often for my liking, your hands lost themselves underneath my clothes or touched me "by mistake". You all too often used any pretext to find yourself in my bed, even though you knew perfectly well that you would be thrown out of it in the minutes that followed.
I admired your resistance and perseverance. And I was happy that you managed to hold yourself back at least a little. Giving you a bit of what you wanted had had the anticipated effect: you were less aggressive.
However, as soon as I was away from you too long for your liking, you became infernal, unbearable. I heard all about it from James – who had finally forgiven us despite his justified suspicion – and I sincerely felt sorry for him.
But the way you were acting scared me. Because you were clinging on to me, much more than all those who had been on your list of conquests up until now. If you had seemed quick to tire of your old conquests, letting them go as soon as they lost their interest and their novelty after just several days, you didn't seem to get tired of me.
Of course, I had been much more difficult to obtain than all the others. Of course, I was different, being a boy and one of your best friends. Of course, your chase had lasted more than a year and you had never given up, had never become flustered. But that scared me. It was both flattering and frightening at the same time.
Flattering because I wasn't like the others. Flattering because it seemed like I had finally succeeded in beating you at your own game, because I had succeeded in defeating you and imposing my will upon you. Flattering because despite what it seemed, I was the one who was in complete control.
But frightening because you didn't get bored. Frightening because your kisses seemed little by little to become tinted with something else, something more than this all-consuming passion that sometimes made my head spin. Frightening because it seemed too serious, much too serious for someone like you.
It had to just be a game...didn't it?
I was afraid. Afraid that suddenly, this game really would become something more. Sirius Black couldn't be serious, and I never was.
I waited until I had just surpassed the record before telling you my decision: to break up with you.
Without a doubt, the fact that our relationship had lasted just thirteen days didn't go unnoticed. But did you understand what that implied? I doubt it.
The breakup was more difficult than I had predicted.
Come on, as if Sirius Black was going to let himself be freely dumped! It's a fact, Black doesn't let people leave him, he ditches.
The reasons that I gave were reasonable. Perfectly in accordance with what would have been expected of me: our friendship was too important for us to risk putting it in jeopardy just for a fling. The Marauders came first and I didn't want to see our group split up.
I had known deep down for a long time that it was impossible to turn back time. But I had tried. Because, even if this breakup was an act, there was a bit of truth hidden in my words: I didn't want to lose them. I didn't want to risk losing the only real friends I had just because one of them suddenly started wanting me a bit too arduously.
I needed to detach myself from you. Our attempt at a relationship had taken proportions that I wasn't ready to confront.
However...the breakup didn't turn out like I had expected.
I should have suspected that you wouldn't put up with being ditched. But I had my pride too and I didn't want to be dumped by Sirius Black. I wanted to play with you until the end.
But you were much more intelligent than I could have believed. Much more manipulative too.
We were like two tightrope walkers on a wire above a chasm without any protection. At any moment, one of us could fall. One false move, just one, and it was all over. But would one drag the other down with him?
I will always remember that afternoon.
How could I forget your expression that day? How could I forget your fury when everything in you had cried betrayal!?
We were in the common room and I had led you aside, to avoid any scene that was too conspicuous while assuring myself that everyone would know that Remus Lupin had left Sirius Black.
Your usual joyful expression every time that you saw me quickly faded when you noticed how serious I seemed. Did you suspect what I was going to do?
I proceeded gently but firmly. I was direct, but I broke the news almost delicately. All in order not to "upset" you, and to make you understand that my decision was firm and irrevocable.
But of course, I hadn't counted on your stubbornness.
You seemed to accept my decision at first. Of course, I wasn't as suspicious as I should have been.
But because of all your cajoleries, your sweet words, your sad pout, your upset tone...I gave in.
Seeing you also made me feel guilty. Sirius Black didn't beg. And yet, you didn't hesitate to use this method in order to have me. As if your pride didn't matter, as long as you achieved your goal.
I agreed to stay with you. To take you back.
The fierce joy that accompanied my decision presented itself in a passionate kiss. I ordinarily hated such displays of affection when there were too many people around. I had fallen into my own trap.
Because in the end...two can play at this game.
I stayed with you for another month. By some twist of fate, we both beat our records in how long a relationship had lasted. While it was just a ridiculous and sordid act.
Your intentions were more than clear. You wanted me. And giving you kisses and allowing you to touch me wasn't enough to permanently satisfy you.
You became a bit more enthusiastic, a bit more difficult to hold back each time. Your madness had returned and I wondered when you were going to attempt to take me by force again. It was just a matter of time before you broke.
Our game was becoming too dangerous and pushing you to the edge wasn't wise on my part.
You barely managed to control yourself in my presence and I knew that if it wasn't for the protection charms that I put around my bed each night...you might have already gotten what you wanted.
I was afraid of you. Afraid of the dependence that you seemed to foster towards me, afraid of your obsession that became a bit stronger every day when I had been so convinced that it would lessen with time.
However, to my great surprise, you were the one who decided to stop everything.
My pride set aside, I was relieved that our relationship had finally ended. I couldn't have put up with this situation any longer.
This breakup was plain. No talking, no witnesses, no attempt to continue what we both knew was doomed to fail. It was clean and sharp, like the cut of a blade.
Returning to my "old life" was easy. It was as if Sirius Black and I had never been a couple.
I knew that you hadn't taken my disinterest well. Maybe you hoped that I would beg you to prolong our relationship. You misjudged me.
A week later, I went out with Lena.
The catastrophic result, the prank, Snape, the full moon...Useless to talk about it.
Did you act out of spite? Out of revenge? Out of jealousy? Or simply by chance, because you hadn't thought? Or did you hate Snape so much that any means of harming him was okay? Or was it really a joke?
I didn't believe the explanations that you gave everyone. I knew it was a personal attack against me. Why else use the wolf?
It was a last resort, a vengeance. As if to say I didn't have you therefore I'm using you.
Like an object. Like a weapon. Like a puppet.
Like a toy.
Our friendship had ended for good. When we were still friends, you didn't stop assuring me that I wasn't a monster.
You had just proven the opposite.
Let's play with Lupin, since we can't have him, we might as well show the world what he really is!
So that everyone can be disgusted. To punish me for not giving in.
I hated you, Black. I hated you with all my heart for destroying everything I had worked so hard to acquire just for a whim.
Simply because I had been strong enough not to fall in your trap.
Or maybe...don't they say that we reap what we sow? Had I been punished because I had played with you as much as you had with me?
Why was I the one who suffered the most in this case? Because I was the monster and not you?
I had to take back what I said several years later, when you were condemned for murdering Peter and twelve Muggles.
You had taken everything from me and you had been perpetually punished in Azkaban. Nothing would bring me my friends back, but you got what you deserved.
I hoped with all my heart that you would suffer so much you would want to die. Because that was how I felt.
It had always been like a game of Chess between us. The winner is the one who can predict more moves than his adversary.
Had I won? Had I lost? Deep down, I don't know.
The only thing that I know is that I have never been your toy.
And I won't ever be.
A/N: I Won't be Your Toy is softer than It's Only a Game and I don't like it as much. The "sick" side here is rather mental but not visible enough for my liking. Remus is rather OOC in I Won't be Your Toy but I refused to make him the victim. He is as much, or even more so, of a bastard than Sirius.
There won't be another sequel. This two-shot is finished for good.
I sincerely hope that I haven't disappointed you with this sequel.