Warning: Don't like, don't read! Create a time machine, travel to the past, and intervene before your former self has a chance to click on this story. Whatever it takes. But for goodness sake, don't crush my self-esteem by telling me I need to improve. SHEESH!


Iruka glanced over, surprised to find Kotetsu sleeping in the seat beside him. The sensei elbowed the man sharply in the ribs, startling him awake.

"What was that for?" Kotetsu grumbled.

"You fell asleep," Iruka rebuked sternly.

The bleary eyed chunin didn't look the slightest bit abashed, so the sensei continued, "We're guarding the gate, Kotetsu – we're literally responsible for ensuring the safety of this village. You can't afford to sleep on the job."

"Yeah," The bandaged chunin shrugged, running a hand through his spikey hair and looking distinctly unimpressed by the gravity of their task. "But it's just so boring."

Iruka opened his mouth to reply, but found himself at a loss for what to say about the man's attitude. He had never worked gate duty with Kotetsu before, was only now filling in for Izumo who had a stomach virus, but he never imagined him to be an incompetent guard. Surely Tsunade wouldn't tolerate carelessness on the job. The village was under high alert against threats from Orochimaru and the Akatsuki!

"So what if it's boring?" Iruka responded finally. "Be a man about it."

Kotetsu sighed and dropped his head back into his folded arms. "You're worse than Izumo."

The sensei shook his head, incredulous at his partner's unusual behavior. However, he was distracted from his ire by a woman approaching the village gate.

How did he not notice her until now? The sunlight seemed to sparkle and dance when it fell on the newcomer, so much so that Iruka needed to squint to be able to see her.

Female. Approximately 18-20 years old. 1.7 meters tall. Slender build. Large blue eyes. No, green eyes. Maybe hazel? Her long black hair cascaded down her back, streaks of crimson mingling with the ebony strands. Her soft skin was a sun-kissed golden color, smooth and…

Iruka blinked and rubbed his temple. Since when did he wax poetic in his mental assessments of a subject?

She was approaching them openly, and Iruka took another moment to examine her for possible weapons. Most notably, she carried an elaborately embellished kitana strapped to her back. He didn't see many places to hide other weapons, as she wore a tight fitting burgundy tank top with only one shoulder. She also sported fingerless gloves that went up to her elbows. Her short black skirt was matched with black leggings that had a tear in one knee. Her feet were clad in lace-up combat boots, a rarity in this part of the country.

The sensei allowed Kotetsu to move forward and engage their visitor, while most of his attention focused outward, watching in case her arrival was meant as a distraction for something more sinister. While he monitored their surroundings, the other two conversed.

The woman inclined her head and introduced herself in a voice smooth as honey. "My name is Sapphire Rayne and I have an important message for the Hokage."

"Oh, okay," Kotetsu beamed, turning toward the main village road. "Come right this way."

"What?" Iruka sputtered, nearly falling out of his chair in shock. Jumping to his feet, he hissed, "You've got to be kidding me. We can't take her to the Hokage just like that."

"But she's got a message," Kotetsu pointed out.

"A very important one," Sapphire Rayne reiterated. Her eyes shimmered a somber sort of green.

"Look, I'm afraid we need a little more information than that," Iruka countered. "Where are you from? What is your business here in Konoha? Where's your identification?"

Sapphire's full rose-colored lips trembled, and her eyes dimmed to a sad blue-grey. "I have no I.D., and I no longer have a home. I don't belong anywhere. You see, I used to live in the Sound Village, but when Orochimaru decided to attack Konoha, I refused to cooperate and he imprisoned me. I've only just managed to escape after a terrible battle, and I have vital intelligence for the Hokage."

"See?" Kotetsu sighed from his place by her side, "It's legit. Now stop being so mean. This poor girl was imprisoned by Orochimaru. It must have been traumatic."

"That's one of the flimsiest cover stories I've ever heard!" Iruka balked. Turning to the woman he demanded, "Why would Orochimaru imprison you instead of killing you for insubordination? How did you escape this 'terrible battle' without a single scratch on you?" Crossing his arms he added, "And you know, the best place for divulging intelligence is at the T & I Department. If anything, I should bring you straight to Ibiki."

Sapphire flashed him a sweet smile, her eyes brightening to a vivid blue. "Oh, Iruka…"

"How do you know my name?" he snapped, a little disturbed.

"Well you see, I was born in Konoha. I'm actually the long lost daughter of Minato Namikaze. I'm also Kakashi Hatake's sister, Itachi Uchiha's cousin, Rock Lee's aunt, and Teuchi the ramen shop owner's step-niece-twice-removed." She counted off on her fingers as she ran through the list.

"Bullshit. How is that even possible?"

Sapphire, unfazed by his disbelief, stepped closer to the suspicious chunin. He caught a whiff of her scent as she did so: an addicting blend of lavender, honeysuckle, vanilla, pine, and mint chocolate. Then the delightful cadence of her voice registered.

"Trust me, I'll explain everything in the Hokage's office. Take me there?" Leaning forward, Sapphire batted her dainty long eyelashes while her eyes took on a playful hazel color. "Please?"

Something in her gaze filled Iruka with warmth, and although just a moment ago he'd been so sure that this was a very bad idea, he somehow couldn't recall why. How could this…this noble, charming, beautiful creature possibly be dangerous?

Grasping the young woman's hand, the sensei brought it up to his chest and passionately declared, "I love you, Sapphire!"

"No fair!" Kotetsu protested, "I loved her first!"

"What's going on here?" A new voice interrupted the argument. Kakashi Hatake approached the gate, preparing to leave for his latest mission.

The bandaged chunin gestured toward the stunning woman. "It's Sapphire Rayne, your long-lost sister. She finally came back to the village," Kotetsu informed him.

"But... I don't have a long-lost…" the jounin's voice trailed off as his eye landed on Iruka's and Sapphire's intertwined hands.

"And I'm in love with her," Iruka calmly explained.

"Me too," Kotetsu chimed in.

"Boys, please, I know you're both desperately in love with me," Sapphire sympathetically acknowledged, "But nothing can ever come of this. My heart belongs to Gaara. On the way here to Konoha, I rescued him from the Akatsuki and became his betrothed." With a high-pitched (and perfectly lovely) squeal, she added, "He's sooo hawt!"

Kakashi frowned suspiciously. "Something about this seems just a little implausible. How did you-"

"My dearest brother!" the young woman interrupted, wrapping Kakashi in a warm hug. "It's so good to see you."

The jounin slowly relaxed in her grip, his visible eye glazing over until he finally returned the embrace and rested his head on hers. "Sapphire Rayne! I thought you were dead."

With her attention washing over the jounin, Iruka felt some of his unease returning. Warning sirens were going off in his mind. If he could only remember why this felt so wrong… Something he'd learned from his days of training with Ibiki…

"Brother, please take me to the Hokage," Sapphire requested, her liquid orbs shimmering into a beseeching lavender.

Something clicked in Iruka's mind, and fear seized his heart. Whatever happened, this woman could not be allowed to influence the Hokage. "Watch out! She's using the Mary-Sue Jutsu!" Iruka cried backpedaling away from the group.

"What are you talking about?" Kotetsu scoffed.

"After all these years, I'm finally reunited with my sister," Kakashi wept openly, ignoring the commotion and the fact that they were standing out in public. Tears of joy streamed from his eyes, so overcome was he with emotion. "I thought all my precious people were gone… but now you're back. We can be a family again."

"Kakashi, no! You're out-of-character," the sensei exclaimed.

In the stress of the moment, Iruka considered using a jutsu to attack Sapphire, but quickly banished the useless notion. They obviously needed Kakashi to save them all. "Use your sharingan- you'll be able to see through the jutsu!"

[A/N - Because everyone knows chunin over the age of seventeen are pretty much useless. XD]

The dolphin frowned at the line above. "Did that note seriously just appear in the middle of the story?" Shaking his head in exasperation, he lamented, "Even the author's infected!"

"Where did you come from?" Iruka asked the talking dolphin.

"No, no. Sorry about the confusion. There's no literal dolphin. I'm supposed to be you," the dolphin explained. "You know, because of your name? 'The chunin,' 'the sensei,' 'the dolphin'...all valid descriptions of your character."

"Get. Out." Iruka deadpanned. "And for Kami's sake, stop breaking the fourth wall!"

Once the random dolphin skulked away, the human resumed his pleading, "Kakashi, please you have to stop her. You have to believe me!"

"As if!" Kotetsu snorted dismissively. "Why should we trust you, the man who's served the village loyally his whole life? Kakashi and I are going to go introduce his amazing sister to the Hokage now." The trio turned toward the main road.

"No!" With a shout, Iruka lunged and tackled Sapphire Rayne.

Don't let her go. Don't let her into the village, He mentally chanted, knowing he couldn't fight the jutsu's effects at such close range, but hoping he could at least remember that one objective. A surge of affection washed over him as his arms wrapped around her perfect dainty waist, and he clung tighter, "Don't leave me Sapphire! I love you!"

"Hey, n00b, back off!" Kotetsu growled, moving to pull them apart. "SHE'S MINE!"

Kakashi backed away to avoid getting bowled over by the excess capitalization, as well as the two chunin viciously brawling over his sister. The sister that he didn't remember having until just a few minutes ago. And yes, she made some rather impossible claims, but of course everything she said had to be true because...

Why was he so sure she was telling the truth again?

Trying to evaluate the situation logically left the jounin with a pounding headache. That was odd, as he was normally an analytical genius. Suddenly, he recalled Iruka's bizarre warning. "My sharingan, eh? I guess it's worth a try." Lifting his foreheard protector, Kakashi unveiled his transplanted eye.

He was met with a jarring sight. Beneath the illusions of wish-fulfillment fantasy was- not Sapphire Rayne- but Novice Writer. In a frighteningly swift motion, Kakashi swooped in with a skillfully executed Painfully-Honest-Criticism Jutsu.

"No!" Novice Writer screamed, attempting to block. "You're just jealous!"

However, Kakashi's jutsu struck true and she promptly fell unconscious, unable to handle the criticism.

Iruka snapped out of his trance-like state, releasing his grasp on Kotetsu's collar. The other chunin blinked in confusion, stepping back as well.

Kotetsu's eyes widened in alarm. "What...what was that?"

"The Mary Sue Jutsu," Kakashi intoned somberly. "If she had infiltrated the village…" He trailed off there, knowing that the consequences would have been terrible beyond words.

"But we stopped her," Iruka sighed in relief. "Hopefully, with your Painfully-Honest-Criticism Jutsu, and extended time in the T & I reeducation program, she'll learn her lesson. We won't be subjected to another horrifying Sue again."

"One can only hope." Kakashi slung Novice Writer over his shoulder, prepared to deliver her over to Ibiki for reprogramming. As the jounin left, a scrap of paper fluttered from Novice Writer's pocket.

Kotetsu bent down to inspect it. He scowled in outrage as his eyes skimmed the page.

"What is that?" Iruka asked

"The nerve of this kid," the other chunin exclaimed, shoving the note into Iruka's hand. "You have to see it for yourself."

The sensei read the words and shook his head disappointedly. "A ransom note."

If i DoNt gEt 100 ReVeIwZz, u NeVa c Teh NeXt ChAptAr! LOLZZZZ!