Hehehe. Wrote this one ages ago, and figured I should bring it over here. Salamandastron era, in case you don't recognise the names - the rabbit family is fun to write, and I loves me the stoaties even if the latter don't technically appear onscreen in this one :) Warnings for implied sex (which is between two males, unattractive males at that, so don't flame me if that bothers you), children accidentally seeing the aforementioned situation, and a word which may count as bad language - the word in question is derived from the name of a location which didn't exist in Mossflower, but the canon has some anachronistic language too so I think it's okay.

"Clarence, Mummy told us not to run ahead - ow!"

"Grr! I'm not Clarence, I'm the great vermin warlord Deatheye, and you're my loyal captain Fangslayer!"

"Why can't Fangslayer be the warlord? Fangslayer's a better name!"

"Fine, I'll be Warlord Fangslayer and you can be Captain Deatheye-"

"No, I want to be Warlord Fangslayer!"

"Fine, but I get to be Fangslayer tomorrow."

"That's fine ... What's that noise?"

"Sounds like somebeast talking ..."

"What did they say?"

"I don't know, I can't hear. Sounds like it's coming from over there ..."

"Let's go see, then! On to adventure, Clarence- I mean Deatheye!"

"Wait, I think he just said that word Mummy washed your mouth out with soap for saying!"

"Ooh, I hope his mummy isn't here!"

"What does that word mean, anyway?"

"I don't know. Daddy said it when he dropped a hammer on his footpaw that time, maybe you're only allowed to say it when you're hurt?"

"Oh dear, do you think whoever-it-is might be hurt?"

"Maybe. He doesn't really sound hurt, though, I ... oh! Oh my!"

"What is it, Clari- I mean Fangslayer? ... Oooh! Oh no! Do you think they saw us?"

"No, I don't think they're looking over here ... Wow, I've never seen real weasels before. Ugly, aren't they?"

"I think those are stoats. Weasels haven't got the black tail-tips, remember?"

"Really? I thought that was just dirt."

"Clarence, Clarissa, you bad little bunnies! What did I say about running ... off ... er ..."

"Mummy, look! Those two stoats are killing each other!"

"Don't be silly, Clarence. That's just how they make babies, isn't it, Mummy? ... Which one is the girl?"

"I don't know, dear. I can't see from here."

"Mummy, I think they're doing it wrong."

"Look away, Clarissa, dear, it's not polite to watch."

"Should we go and tell them they're doing it wrong? It's not really fair not to help them if they are."

"No, Clarence. You two go back and wait a little. Mummy is just going to go and tell those silly stoats to go away, then we'll go home so I can wash my eyes ..."

"Why do you need to do that, Mummy?"


"Yes, Mummy."

"Ooh, Mummy sounds angry, doesn't she, Clarence?"

"Yes - ooh, I wouldn't like to be them!"

"Heehee! Listen, listen! She's shouting at them!"

"Huh. What does that word mean?"

"I don't know. Should we ask her?"

"But what if it's one of those words we're not allowed to say?"

"Well, she can't blame us for saying it while we're asking if we're not allowed to say it, can she?"

"Ooh, here she comes ... Hello, Mummy. Did you tell them they were doing it wrong?"

"Yes, Clarence, dear. Now we're going home."


"Yes. Come on, you two, hurry up."

"So which one was the girl, Mummy?"

"The shorter one, I think. It's quite hard to tell with vermin, you know, they all look the same."

"But why would anybeast want to have babies with such an ugly girl?"

"Don't be silly, dear, all vermin look like that."

"Mummy, what's a sodomite? I thought they were stoats."

"I'll tell you when you're older, dear."

"How much older?"

"Much older! Now we're going home, and you may each have a slice of pie, on the condition that neither of you ever mention this again. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, Mummy."