Title: Gay Friends and Gullibility
Summary: The first thought that went through Karin's head was, "Oh my Kami, they're actually gay?!" In which Karin seeks revenge, and Momo seeks to spread the love.
Main Characters: Karin, Momo, Ikkaku, Yumichika, brief appearances by Matsumoto, Kyoraku-taichou; mentions of Hitsugaya, Aizen, Hisagi, Nanao, Ukitake-taichou, and one of Karin's friends (Kazuya)
Pairings: Ikkaku x Yumichika (sort of); mentions of Hitsugaya x Karin (again, sort of, since there is no real romance between them in this)
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its characters.
"Are you sure?" Momo's eyes were opened wide, and there was a blush on her cheeks, courtesy of the news she had just received.
"Yup," Karin replied cheerfully, amused that her friend felt the need to speak in a hush. "100% positive. The signs are everywhere. You really haven't seen them?"
The blush on Momo's cheeks deepened.
"I've never had friends like...like that before."
"Sure you have. You just didn't realize it until now."
"But I never considered that those two were...well, I suppose it's possible. Ayasegawa-san always was a little odd, and I always thought there was something more than just a simple friendship between them, but..."
"But...?" Karin asked innocently, trying to keep the laughter from bursting past her lips. Who knew Momo was so gullible? Well, Aizen did, and now so did the rest of Seireitei, but Karin blamed obsessive love for that fiasco.
"I never knew Madarame-san and Ayasegawa-san were...in the closet together." The last part came out in a loud whisper, and Momo covered her face with her hands in embarrassment.
That did it. Karin's roars of laughter were heard all throughout Soul Society that day.
"Karin-chan," the dainty fifth squad fukutaichou gasped, aghast that her friend could laugh at such a matter. Said friend was wiping tears from her eyes.
"Sorry, Momo. It just sounds funny when you say it."
Momo pursed her lips. Karin noticed.
"Well, it's kind of sad." Karin's eyebrows raised.
"Do you have something against gay people?" she asked, shocked that her kind friend would be so prudish. Momo shook her head rapidly, waving her arms in front of her chest for emphasis.
"No, no. I just meant...it's kind of sad that the two of them have to hide their love like this." She bit her lip before continuing. "I'm sure that if they were open about this, everyone would understand."
It took all but two seconds for Karin to process this, and then she adorned a very Urahara-ish evil smile on her face. This revenge would be sweeter and more satisfying than she initially thought.
She didn't care that this might be going a little too far. This would teach Ikkaku a lesson for puncturing her favorite soccer ball, and not apologizing. Or agreeing to buy her a new one. Everyone knew soccer was her life, and the act he had committed was equivalent to murder in her eyes.
Sure, she felt bad about roping Yumichika into this mess; the fifth seat really had nothing to do with this. But that was just a small price to pay, and it was easy to convince others of his not-so-straight preferences, considering his weird obsession with looks and beauty.
"Well, how about we help them out?" Momo looked at her, surprised by the idea. "Oh, come on. What kind of friends would we be if we kept this information to ourselves and didn't help them out when they're so obviously in pain?"
"...I don't know. Shiro-chan always said that I meddle too much. But to be fair, Kurotsuchi-taichou really did look lonely, and it seemed like he wanted a girlfriend. How was I supposed to know he would strap the poor girl onto a lab table and try to inject her with strange liquids on their first date?" She gave a small pout, not noticing that her friend was wearing a horrified expression at the idea of actually sacrificing a girl to the disturbing twelfth division taichou. "But anyway, Shiro-chan told me to stay out of other people's lives."
"Well, Toushiro's just full of shit," Karin replied, waving her hand carelessly in the air, as if batting away the very idea of listening to the ice taichou's (probably sound and sane) advice. "I mean, where would you be if everybody stayed out of everybody else's business? If I hadn't barged into Squad Four and knocked some sense into you-" Momo whimpered and rubbed her arms, still remembering the bruises she had received on that day, "-you would still be moping away for that asshole you called taichou. So who is Toushiro to tell us what the right thing to do is? We're big girls now. We can decide for ourselves."
"...You're right! I don't have to listen to him. He's my little brother, so he has to listen to me."
"Now let's not get carried away," Karin muttered, shuddering. She knew that if Toushiro actually listened to Momo's advice, there would be a litter of Kurosaki-Hitsugaya babies with green eyes and black hair crawling all over Soul Society.
"I'm in, Karin-chan. Let's make this world a better place...for love!"
The raven haired Kurosaki could swear she saw flames shooting in Momo's eyes.
"Oh, Kami, this is so wrong."
"Shh, Momo. Besides, you're the one who was all fired up this afternoon. Where did all that enthusiasm go?"
"I think it vanished around the time we sneaked into Zaraki-taichou's room, and stole his master key for the eleventh division. He's going to kill us. I'm too young to die! Well, okay, I'm centuries old. But by Soul Society standards, I'm too young to die!"
"Oh, stop being such a pansy. How else were we supposed to get into Ikkaku's house at this time of night to hide a picture of Yumichika in his clothes?"
"Why are we doing this in the first place?" Momo said in a whine.
"Dammit, Momo. This is not the time for stupid questions. Isn't it obvious? When people see the picture hidden somewhere on him, they'll realize that there is something going on between the two. Now, do you have the photo?"
And she showed her the very small photograph of Yumichika in her hand, whose face was adorning his signature I'm-better-looking-than-you narcissist smile.
"What the hell are those?"
"I took the liberty of drawing cute little hearts around his face. This way, everyone will know that the two are a couple."
Karin could not keep her temper in check.
"Are you stupid?!" Momo jumped, and immediately began apologizing profusely, though she did not know for what. "Does Ikkaku look like the type of guy that draws shitty hearts on a picture of someone?!"
Momo's face fell at the realization that Karin was right. He was definitely not that type.
"Oh. So is this picture no good then?"
Karin sighed in aggravation, pinching the bridge of her nose with her index finger and thumb, and closed her eyes for a moment.
"We have no choice but to use it now. I don't exactly keep pictures of Yumichika handy wherever I go. Hand it over."
Momo brightened as they continued with their plan, and obligingly handed her partner in crime the photograph.
Very quietly, the two tiptoed towards what they assumed was Ikkaku's bedroom. The subordinate rooms in Seireitei all had the same layout, so they simply headed to the area where their own rooms were located, in their own quarters.
"Jackpot," Karin whispered when they opened the door to reveal the third seat asleep on a futon spread out on the floor.
His sleeping posture was very bad. His blanket had been kicked off. His sleeping kimono was hanging open (Momo blushed furiously, and kept her eyes averted from his figure). His legs were spread open, as was his mouth, and there was drool sliding down his cheek. He was snoring loudly, apparently content and oblivious in his dreams, and occasionally, he gave a snort.
Karin rolled her eyes. Somehow, this was exactly how she had imagined he would sleep.
His uniform and sword were hanging on the closet door, not too far away. Karin grabbed Momo's attention – she had been gazing fixedly at the ceiling – and pointed towards the clothes.
Momo's face lit up, and the two crept over to the closet. That's when they hit a snag in their plans.
"Karin-chan," Momo barely whispered, afraid that Ikkaku's years of battle had made his hearing keen, and himself prepared for attack in his sleep. He, however, simply gave a snort as he almost choked on his own drool gathering in his mouth, gave a slight twitch, and then lay still, his snoring rhythmic once again. "How do we put the picture in his clothes if there are no pockets?"
There was a short pause before Karin smacked her head with her palm in irritation.
"Alright. No sweat. So the plan last night didn't work out. This time, we'll think of a foolproof one. Any ideas Momo?"
"Hey, you guys! What're you up to?"
Matsumoto appeared out of nowhere. She was beaming, her cheeks were stained a flushed pink, and there was a sake bottle in her hands. She was obviously drunk.
"Oh, hey Ran-chan. We're trying to fi-"
Karin was interrupted when Momo clapped a hand over her mouth, and gave a high-pitched, nervous giggle.
"Oh nothing,"she said quickly. "We were just talking about...um...Ukitake-taichou!"
"Ukitake-taichou?" Matsumoto asked, confused, as she had not heard any interesting news about him lately. And by interesting news, she meant scandalous gossip.
"Ummph-mmpho?" Karin mumbled through the hand on her mouth.
"Yup," Momo replied, sounding unnaturally cheerful, forgetting in her panic that she was speaking of one of her beloved taichou's dire illness. "We heard he had another attack this morning, and I'm worried that he might take a really long time to recover."
If Matsumoto had been sober, she would have been sharp enough to see through the obvious lie. However, since she was drunk, she only gasped dramatically.
"Ukitake-taichou's sick?! That's terrible! I'm going to go see him!" And she shunpoed in the direction of Squad Thirteen.
"What was that about?" Karin demanded, when she had shoved Momo's hand away.
"Karin-chan, we would be such horrible friends if we told Matsumoto about Ayasegawa-san and Madarame-san's problems. You now that when she gets her hands on any piece of gossip, everybody knows in only a couple of hours. And she even publishes it in the newspaper! We need to break the news to everyone gently."
That was what Karin said to Momo, but inwardly, she was repeatedly smashing her head against a wall.
"Why didn't I just tell Matsumoto in the first place?!" she thought, furious with herself.
"This is a stupid idea."
"Oh, hush up, Karin-chan. You just wish you'd thought of it. It's perfect. If they do anything couple-y, we'll get it all on camera."
"And how the hell is broadcasting videos of them making out all over Seireitei "breaking the news to everyone gently?""
Of course, she knew they wouldn't actually make out; she just didn't feel like following the two subjects of her revenge around all day.
Momo rolled her eyes.
"We're not going to broadcast anything. We're going to show Madarame-san and Ayasegawa-san the video. Once they see that we know about them and accept them, they'll feel more confident going public with their relationship."
It was Karin's turn to roll her eyes.
"That kind of shit only works out on TV. Most likely, Ikkaku will try to beat the crap out of us for following him around all day and videotaping everything."
"Oh, look!" Momo cried excitedly, completely ignoring Karin, who started grumbling about her "lack of respect." "There's Madarame-san! I think he's on his way to train."
Sure enough, a very shiny dome could be seen bobbing towards the Eleventh's dojo.
The two raven haired shinigami jumped away from the wall they had been hiding behind, and tiptoed after him. Whenever they reached the next conjunction of paths, they would hide again, and peek at him, to make sure they were safe.
The idiot did not once realize he was being followed. Instead, he went on his merry way, humming what vaguely sounded like the tune of his famous lucky dance. If you could call it a tune.
"Keep the camera on him," Karin hissed.
Momo nodded, and aimed the lens at the eleventh squad member.
It didn't take long for the three to reach the dojo. Inside, they could hear the sounds of battle cries and loud cheers that signified there was a spar going on.
The closer the three got, the stronger the stench of sweat got too. Karin and Ikkaku were used to it, because both frequently sparred with members of their own divisions. However, Momo, who had been in a coma for a few months and in rehab for a few years, had grown rusty in suppressing her nausea at the scent of such a strong odor.
"Karin-chan, I think...I'm gonna be sick..."
"Don't you dare, Momo. I don't care if you have to hold your breath for two hours; if you blow our covers after everything we've done already, I'll tell Toushiro that you were the one who sold his pictures to the academy students last month, not Matsumoto."
"I'd been in a coma for so long! My hair was disgusting, and the two-in-one shampoo and conditioner with dandruff protection and moisturizing agents from the human world was so expensive. I would have sold off my secret collection of Aizen photos at that point."
"Good for you," Karin said after a pause. "Here, gimme the camera. You just focus on not puking."
Momo nodded, handing the camera to her, and started breathing slowly through her mouth.
Karin whipped the camera in the direction of the dojo, and noticed, to her satisfaction, that Ikkaku had taken a seat next to Yumichika.
"That is sooo cute," Momo commented. She had pinched her nose shut with her fingers, so her voice came out nasally.
"Yeah, yeah. We don't need cute. We need hot and heavy. Oh wait, I think they're doing something."
She zoomed in with her camera, trying to get a good look.
"Oh, they're just making bets on the spar," she said in disappointment.
The spying got boring really fast. The two seated themselves behind some shrubs, making sure to keep the camera at an angle that would capture everything, should anything happen, and then simply proceeded to get bored. Nothing did happen though, except for the required training that was taking place.
"Can't they just hurry up?" Karin snapped after an hour of sitting under the hot rays of the sun. Momo clucked her tongue disapprovingly.
"You can't rush love, Karin-chan. If you just took my advice and asked out Shiro-chan, you would know that."
"Oh, would you just drop it?" Karin grumbled. "Honestly, you play one game of soccer, and suddenly the world is out to get you together. I played soccer with my other guy friends practically my entire life, but nobody ever tried to force me with any of them."
"I thought that was because one of them actually asked you out on his own."
"How the hell do you know that?!" Karin screeched in a whisper (which was quite a feat), reddening at the memory of dumbass Kazuya announcing on the school PA system that he was in love with her, had been for years, and wished to take her on a date. They didn't speak for weeks.
"Shiro-chan was in such a bad mood when he heard about that."
"He was actually in a bad mood because Matsumoto got drunk and trashed the paperwork. It was just a coincidence that those two events happened on the same day."
"If I remember correctly, the reason Matsumoto got drunk was to celebrate your "finally becoming a woman and getting a love confession," so it wasn't a coincidence that both events happened on the same day."
Momo smirked and leaned back comfortably into the shrub, knowing that if that was the only witty reply Karin could come up with, she had won the argument.
It wasn't until the training session ended and the eleventh squad members that had gathered left that something interesting happened.
Karin mumbled a quick "go away" as someone tried to rouse her from her sleep, before turning over and settling her head once again on the pile of leaves she had assembled as a pillow.
Momo folded her arms in annoyance, unsure of how to wake her up. She reached out her hands, placed them on Karin's shoulders, and shook her awake furiously.
"What?" Karin hissed, opening her eyes sluggishly and trying to rub the sleep out of them.
"Everyone's leaving," Momo pointed out.
Sure enough, when Karin looked over, the dojo had emptied, leaving only Ikkaku and Yumichika standing inside. Being the third seat, Ikkaku was in charge of locking up the place when his taichou and fukutaichou were not around.
"Where's the camera?" Karin muttered.
"Still in position," Momo muttered. It was still settled on a branch of the shrub, filming everything.
"'Kay. Anything happen while I was asleep?"
Momo looked a little guilty.
"I don't know. I was asleep too. I only woke up when they all started to leave. I swear, when they move, the smell spreads out. It woke me up."
It took Karin only a few seconds to realize that there was a pile of vomit not too far away from them. Momo looked sheepish.
"Don't worry. Nobody knows we're here," she said quickly when she noticed Karin's glare. "They were making too much noise to hear me."
Their attention was caught by a large thud coming from the dojo. Looking over, they saw Ikkaku had slammed the door shut.
"You ready to head out?" he asked Yumichika, who nodded.
Ikkaku put his hand on his shoulder and started moving his arm in a circular motion. He had stripped to his waist, and was covered in sweat, obviously having sparred a few times himself while the two stalkers had been sleeping.
"Oh wait," he suddenly said.
Momo and Karin tensed as he stepped a little closer.
"What is it?" Yumichika asked, not sounding the least bit put out as Ikkaku continued to move closer.
And then, he put his hand on the fifth seat's face. Although Momo and Karin were at the wrong angle, and only saw the back of Ikkaku's head, they did see him lean closer, and closer...
The first thought that went through Karin's head was, "Oh my Kami, they're actually gay?!"
The second thought was, "Yes!"
"There," Ikkaku said, sounding satisfied.
"Yes, yes, yes!" Karin screamed as she jumped out from behind the bushes, jumping in glee like a maniac.
"Karin-chan, what are you-"
"We got it! We got it on film!"
Karin looked over to see Ikkaku and Yumichika staring at her, completely confused.
"What the hell are you doing?" the bald one asked.
"Getting back at you, that's what!" she replied. Without another moment of hesitation, she reached into the shrubs, grabbed the camera, turned off the recording, and took off shunpoing.
"Karin-chan!" she vaguely heard Momo shout. "You're heading the wrong way! Madarame-san and Ayasegawa-san are this way! What about the plan?!"
But Karin was not listening any more. She could give a shit about the plan, because in her hand, she had the ultimate revenge.
She had to show it to somebody; Matsumoto, Kyoraku-taichou, Hisagi maybe, since he was editor of the newspaper. It didn't really matter, as long as she could publicly humiliate that chrome dome!
She burst into the Eight Division taichou's office. To her luck, both Matsumoto and Kyoraku-taichou were there, enjoying a bottle of sake together, and Nanao was out, which was a bonus, because she would have sent a dirty look her way for bursting in like that.
"Karin-chan? What is it?" Matsumoto asked, looking concerned.
"Tape...watch..." Karin wheezed, the mixture of the shunpo and excitement making it almost impossible for her to get a word out.
She settled in between them, flipped open the camera, and rewound it quickly to a good spot.
"What do you have there?" Kyoraku-taichou asked with curiosity.
"This, Kyoraku-taichou, is the result of a hard day's work," Karin answered proudly. She eagerly pressed play, and all three leaned in to watch.
"Oh wait," they heard Ikkaku say on screen.
He moved closer to Yumichika, who was standing next to him.
"What?" the Yumichika on screen asked.
This is where the camera came in handy. Although Momo and Karin had not seen anything, the camera had been at the perfect angle to get a side shot.
Karin watched with baited breath as Ikkaku leaned in closer.
He put his hand on Yumichika's cheek, and got even closer. Then, his hand moved upwards, towards his forehead.
"What is he...?" Karin said, completely confused as to what was happening. This isn't what she saw.
Ikkaku turned his head slightly, so both his and Yumichika's heads were aligned face-to-face. Then, his hand finally reached Yumichika's forehead. Or more accurately, his eyebrows.
He reached out, and straightened one of the feathers attached to Yumichika's eyebrows that had been slightly crooked.
"There," the Ikkaku on tape said, sounding satisfied.
A little hazily, Karin heard her own voice screaming "yes, yes, yes!" ecstatically, on the camera, but she had zoned out by this point.
"Um...Karin-chan, what did you want us to see?" Matsumoto asked her, sounding puzzled.
Oh, screw it. She would just buy a new soccer ball herself. They were only 800 yen anyway.
This fic will be a series of one-shots centred around Karin, along with Bleach characters I either wish she had more fics with, or characters she has no fics with (hence the title). Or any random idea that pops into my head.
Pairings and characters will vary, although Karin will always be a main character. You can let me know if there is someone you want her to have a fic with, or a plot you want to see written out, and I'll see what I can do.
Updates will not be very consistent. I'll write if I get an idea or inspiration, but I do have my other stories to worry about. I have a one-shot in-progress right now, and I have an idea for 2-3 more, so we'll see when I get around to writing, or completing, those.
A note to HitsuKarin fans: Sometimes I'll pair Karin with Hitsugaya, and sometimes I'll pair her with other characters (just look at the top to see what the pairings will be). But if I ever write a one-shot based solely on HitsuKarin, I'll publish it as its own fic. This way, if you don't want to stay up-to-date with this fic, you don't have to worry about missing any major HitsuKarin moments.