THIS ISN'T SPARTAAAAAA
Authors Note: An extremely random, short and unplanned one-shot attempting crack style humour. As such, it is also very out of character. Most definitely not my best, but the idea made me giggle, and I had nothing better to do, so…
Greece was in (what can lightly be described as) imminent danger. Quite without warning, they found themselves in the grip of the 'god-king' Xerxes, the greedy Persian ruler who was about to choke the life out of Greece and its entire people. All the forces at his command were practically at their doorstep.
The might of the Persian empire was about to come crashing down on tiny Greece and it seemed that in the same way that nothing can stop a tidal wave from sweeping onto the shore and destroying all in its path, nothing could stop these armies from marching into Greece and devastating every village, town and city.
The only hope for Greece was a certain 300 Spartans…
"I was just, well, I can't help but wonder –"
"Get to the point, Dilios."
"Are you absolutely certain that this is the way to the Hot Gates?"
Leonidas halted and it was only by a miracle and catlike reflexes that the 299 men behind him managed to stop before trampling their king.
"YOU DARE QUESTION THE WORD OF A KING? A KING OF SPARTA, NO LESS?"
Oh gods, there he goes again with the shouting, was the essence of the thoughts of the 299.
"Actually, I think he's right – I swear we were meant to turn left after we passed that tree." Stelios said.
"We DID turn left."
"Uh, no, we turned right."
"WE TURNED LEFT!"
"Leonidas, which hand do you hold a sword in?"
Leonidas raised is right hand "This one obviously. Why do you ask?"
"That's your right hand, right?"
"GET TO THE –"
"Picture the tree we passed – we were supposed to turn left, the side your left hand is on, but we turned the other way remember?"
"Leonidas," Dilios said before Leonidas decided to use his sword hand to rip his insolent soldier's throat out, "perhaps we should send someone on ahead to try and determine where we are, you know, look for distinctive landmarks –"
"Distinctive landmarks? You know I love Sparta more than words can say (though not in a girly way of course), but look around you – SPARTA IS A DUMP. A wasteland. Grass, sand, mountains as far as the eye can see, with the occasional tree or stream. That's about as distinctive as it gets. Now, any other bright ideas?"
"…we could ask for directions."
"ASK FOR DIRECTIONS? WHAT ARE YOU, AN ATHENIAN? No, not even an Athenian would stoop that low. WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? WHERE IS YOUR PRIDE AND SELF-RESPECT? If you need to ask directions just to GET TO THE DAMN BATTLEFIELD YOU SHOULDN'T BE THERE AT ALL. I WOULDN'T EVEN TRUST SUCH A MAN TO PISS STRAIGHT."
"IF HE EVEN HAS A DICK TO PISS WITH." Stelios suddenly added in a habitual and very Spartan burst of testosterone.
"YEAH!" Leonidas yelled his agreement.
"YEAH!" Stelios bellowed as he joined Leonidas in scowling at Dilios.
"This is getting us nowhere. This is ridiculous!" Dilios cried in exasperation.
"Ridiculous?" Leonidas took a deep breath, and everyone braced themselves for his inevitable explosion, "THIS. IS. SPARTAAAAAAAAAA!"
"Uh, actually," Stelios said nervously "I think we technically left Sparta after we passed that boulder shaped like a cow."
While the Spartans bickered, the Persian ships laid anchor on Greek shores and the soldiers decided to stop for lunch at the Hot Gates before an afternoons slaughtering. There were no casualties among the Persian soldiers and only one wounded – some poor fool tripped over a stray rock and grazed his knee rather badly.