This is a little bit from Dave's POV, so yeah let me know what you think on that. I want to thank my two reviewers for inspiring me to finally get this chapter done. I've got the next chapter or so planned out and I had this one planned out but it was really hard to write as it's a lot about when Jessie was gone which was kind of hard as I'd been thinking from Jessie's POV up to now it's hard to get into Dave's head.
I hope you like it anyway he kind of ran away with himself here.
Anyway review and let me know what you think.
As she finishes speaking, I can hardly believe she's back. I feel as if I'm going to wake up from the most vivid dream of my life and be unceremoniously shoved back into the pit of despair I've resided in for the last three years. Unintentionally I slip into a memory, the day she left:
I walk into the house and sigh as I throw my jacket on the sofa. This flight was quite long and it's left me knackered, I just want to crawl into bed and sleep but I know I can't, I have a match to go to this afternoon.
I shuffle upstairs and change into a black long sleeved sweater-type shirt and some blue jeans; I put on my trainers and leave the bedroom. Looking around before I close the door, I notice a few of Jessie's things are missing. Odd.
My foot hits the bottom step and I realize at once, what exactly is happening. She's leaving.
"Jessie. Jess. J. Come on. Please." My own voice cuts through the silence and I find myself begging her not to go.
She sighs and runs a hand through her golden blonde hair. I don't know if it's because i'm being faced with the possibility of never seeing her again but her hair looks silky and perfect in this light. I'll do anything I can to get her to stay, but I will not force her.
"I have to do this." She answers without even turning around to face me, she can't face me if she does she won't leave.
She knows this as well as I do, she's scared, that's the only reason she's going. I wonder if I can make her admit it. Maybe she'll stay then, maybe I can reassure her.
I sound so broken, so hurt, even to myself. I love her. I may have never told her. I probably should have but I know she's not comfortable with saying it and I've always thought it would be best to wait. Until she's comfortable with it. It's not as if we don't know we love each other. Yes, I know she loves me too. It's not something you have to think about with Jessie. If she loves you, you just know.
"Because. I, I can't. It's not right for me to stay 'ere an' live off you an' I'm sick of worrying 'bout whether you, Pete an' the boys are all goin' to die after every match. Of not being allowed to come. Of bein' scared to walk around alone on match days in case another firms goin' to jump me."
Bollocks. I know that's not the reason. She knows so too. She likes the excitement and sure we don't take her to every match but she comes to most. Maybe if I had let her come to more. No. I wouldn't it's too dangerous to take her to the away matches. I won't ever put her in that kind of danger. Ever. Even from behind her posture gives her away, she regrets saying that. About living off me. She feels guilty for saying it because she knows I only do it for her. She's scared. I wish she wasn't.
"Stay. Jessie." I can see her wavering as I plead. "Please. I'll do anything, just stay."
I mean it too, every word.
"I can't. I'm sorry." I don't believe her. In fact, I doubt she believes herself.
She snaps, "Why, why should I stay?" She's still facing the wall, I go up behind her, I don't touch her but she knows I'm here.
I don't know what else to say. The words just come out. "Because, Jessie I love you."
"I'm sorry Dave." She walks out. That's it. She's gone.
When I was younger, I always heard the saying 'if you love someone let them go, if they come back they truly love you.' Or some shit like that. I heard it once from my grandma. My grandfather left her for a while after a huge fight. Growing up I was regaled with stories of how wonderful it was when he came back. One thing she failed to mention, one thing no one ever talks about is how much it hurts when the person you love is gone. And let me tell you, from experience, the aftermath is hell.
Noise in The Abby seems muted as my mind is still buried in memories.
The door closing echoes making my ears ring. I stare in shock at where she was only seconds ago.
I feel the tension in the air around me, worse than that, it's empty tension. I'm alone.
A burning pain blossoms in my chest and I am subtly aware of my knees hitting the floor. The agony that I feel in my chest is almost unbearable and for a second I feel myself wondering how i'm alive.
I reach my hands up and run them through my gelled hair. Breaking the odd quiet, (that was only being punctuated before by the sound of the heating running), along with shattering my composure, is an obnoxious ringing.
"Dave mate. Where are ya?"
Pete's voice gives me whiplash as I snap back to reality.
"I don't think I'm gonna make the match today bruv."
I'm surprised to find my voice raspy and broken. As if my throat is cracking open.
"Why not?" I hardly notice how confused he sounds.
The phone closes with a large 'snap' and then rather unsurprisingly, the tears begin to fall.
The agony never goes away. I learnt that the hard way. In the end, you're left with two options. You can choose to try and live with the agony. The burning pain. Constantly walking around feeling as if your heart has been ripped from your chest. Or you can chose a sense of normalcy. You can let the numbness encroach on you. Take hold of your mind and go around in a pretence of emotional finesse.
I chose the second option. Tensing slightly I squeeze Jessie's side reassuring myself that she's real and she's back.
Her bright eyes shimmer with happiness as she looks up at me with a dazzling smile.
I can almost sense my eyes shining as I look down at her failing to repress a grin.
She looks away listening to the boys chatting and keeping a wary eye on her brother. An involuntary shiver shoots up my spine and I feel my mind spinning backward, reeling and tumbling as I recall the days of numbness without her:
I walk into the pub for the first time in weeks. On the inside, I feel empty. As I enter people begin to greet me and I answer. Like nothing's wrong.
"Oi Oi Davy." I dimly register Swills greeting.
"Alright son?" I reply nodding to everyone. "My round is it?" I ask.
My expectation was disappointed.
"I'll get this one mate." Ned says moving towards the bar.
They never said anything about me, didn't ask how I was about everything but that was enough. It wasn't until they started making me buy almost everything round again that I realized I had them fooled.
They were wrong though, despite my numb state and startlingly good performance. There's one feeling I could never shift. The endless sorrow. I was many things when Jessie was gone but I was never fine. Never normal. And never happy.
It's a constant feeling of emptiness that eventually turns into endless sorrow. You feel your heart beating hard against your ribcage as you lay in bed at night trying to sleep. You find yourself constantly wondering if tomorrow will be the day it ends. That day you hear about, that day you'll wake up and it just won't hurt as much anymore.
I can't testify for others but that day never came for me. Never.
I didn't wake up one day magically feeling better. Time didn't heal my wounds.
By this point, nothing feels worthwhile. You eventually find yourself at the place where you're not angry anymore. You don't hold a grudge. You just want them back. You obviously have felt annoyed and angry at some points, but in the end even though you know you'll have problems to solve, you just want them back. The sorrow overrides everything and you realize that if they come back, there's an ending. As long as they're sorry, even if they don't apologize, you just want them back.
Today is perfect for me. It always will be. Today as soon as I saw her, I had hope. Perhaps my sorrow isn't so endless after all.
So what did you think?
Was it totally terrible? Or actually okay?