How to Write a Vampire Novel

Dear writers,

If you're holding this little how to guide in your hands I'm sure you picked it up for the same reason that I decided to write it. I'm sick to death of vampire craze! Now, I will be the first to say that I am a huge fan Bram Stoker's classic novel Dracula; but let's face it the vampire industry has gone to Hell. I blame Stephanie Meyer's poor excuse for a book; Twilight. So, for those writers who are also sick and tired of Twilight and all of the other novels that disgrace the classic characters by turning them into wimpy ass creatures who don't even suck blood; this little how-to guide is for you. Here are some rules to follow when writing a stellar vampire novel.

1. Vampires do not sparkle.

At all! Ever! Issue closed.

2. Do not have your vampire fall in love.

Vampires do not have souls; therefore they are incapable of love. Sorry girls, but Edward doesn't love you.

3. A 107-year-old Vampire falling in love with a 17-year-old girl? That's just weird.

If you do decide to break rule two, please have your vampires fall in love with someone who is relatively the same age as themselves.

4. Vampires drink human blood. Get over it!

I know that you don't want to make your vampires look like some psychotic monster who takes pride in sucking poor little humans dry of their precious blood, but come on! What do they care if people die? They're vampires!

5. Fangless vampires? Seriously?

How in the world are vampires going to drink blood if they don't have fangs? And yes, vampires suck blood. (See rule four)

6. Vampires can't reproduce.

Vampires are dead which would make their bodies incapable of sustaining or contributing to a pregnancy.

7. Don't mess with biology.

I know that you want to be creative when explaining how your vampire became a creature of the night, but for the love of God, do not mess with biology. According to Stephanie Meyer vampires have an extra chromosome. OK, so someone didn't pay attention in biology class. An extra chromosome results in Downs Syndrome not supernatural abilities.

8. Please don't change every single rule about vampires.

I know that you want your characters to be original. That's what every writer wants, but keep in mind your job is to tell a story not recreate vampires. It's OK to change one or two rules, but do not change so many rules that your vampires become glorified fairies.

9. Don't get so attached to your own characters that you lose sight of the plot.

If your plan is to kill off your character or to have them go through some sort of terrible ordeal; follow through. Happy endings are great but don't make things too convenient for your character.

10. If you promise your readers a big epic battle scene gee, here's an idea, give your readers a big epic battle scene!

Have your story go out with a bang, give a beloved character a hero's death. Do not have the opposing sides "talk it out" they're vampires! Not hippies!

I hope my little how to guide has helped you in your quest in writing a vampire novel. Just keep these ten little rules in mind and you will have an amazing novel. Have fun and happy writing!