A/N: So... This is my first attempt at doing something light-hearted with servings of smut. I won't make a habit out of it, I promise, but the idea came into my head and I had to write it down. It's short. It's to the point. There's a lot of dialogue, a lot of jokes, and even more ego-squashing.

The story also has a trailer to help get you in the mood: http : / / www . youtube . com / watch?v=IGcztF_xuEg (remove spaces)

Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride!

It was Monday. That alone was enough to make Jasper hate the day, just like every other student pulling into the parking lot. This Monday in particular, however, was going to be worse than the typical one. He just didn't know that.

That was because he didn't know Alice Brandon yet.

He, like everybody else, knew that some transfer students were starting up today. It happened every year though, so the news was not as intriguing as some people made it out to be. It was definitely not as interesting as the gossiping girls they just past were claiming it.

At hearing them already labelling one of the girls the class slut, Emmett was reminded of the prospect of new girls.

He laughed, keeping up his leisurely pace with Jasper. "I am totally going to bag me some fresh meat," he said, rubbing his hands together deviously.

Jasper turned to his friend, not sporting the usual sceptical look that Emmett half expected. "So you and Rose are finally done, huh?"

"Well..." Emmett grumbled, rubbing the back of his neck furiously in discomfort. He winced at the thoughts – the replays of Thursday's break-up - running through his head. "It's complicated."

"How is it complicated?" a voice asked from behind them. It was Edward, and, he too, caught up to them and matched their pace. "You made a joke about her being fat, and she called you a walrus with the I.Q. of a pea and broke up with you."

"You called her fat?" Jasper cried, slowing his pace to allow time to hear the story out.

"It was just a joke..." Emmett mumbled over Edward's laughing.

"What? Are you getting your relationship advice from Edward now?"

Edward scoffed audibly and threw the scrunched up ball of paper he had in his hands at Jasper. "Excuse me, and who is the single one among us?"

"Emmett and I," Jasper clarified, "both happen to be very eligible bachelors enjoying the freedom of life without chains. Right, Emmett?"

"And, we are devilishly handsome," Emmett added using his best polished English accent.

"I suppose you are, in a Picasso sort of way..." Jasper quipped.

Emmett swivelled his head, open-mouthed in mock horror, to look at him and then dove in for the kill, dropping his bag and its contents on the ground. He tried, to no avail despite his string of profanities, to pull Jasper into a headlock while Edward stood back and laughed.

"Anyway," Emmett snapped a few moments later, admitting defeat as Jasper pulled his arm further and further up his back. "I've got a plan to get her back. And it involves her best friend, jealousy."

Jasper dropped Emmett's arm and groaned in unison with Edward. Emmett was just going to dig himself a deeper and deeper grave, the two could see it. And his grave had already passed the centre of the Earth and was three quarters of the way to Australia thanks to his last stunt.

"Don't you two worry those pretty little heads of yours," Emmett replied cockily at hearing their disapproval. "I've got it all worked out. It's simple psychology: we want the things that other people have."

"Well, clearly," Edward remarked, "Since Mike Newton went out with Rose on Friday... I guess that makes her unattainable."

Emmett stopped dead in his tracks, jaw clenched. The other two also stopped and turned back to look at him. "What? That scrawny-ass punk went out with my girl?"

Jasper and Edward knew full well what that face meant and Jasper made a mental note to avoid him at recess so as to miss out on yet another suspension for being involved in a fight.

He didn't need another one this semester.

"I'm gonna whip that kid into shape," Emmett declared and stormed off, pushing past them, into the building.

Edward and Jasper remained, watching him fly up the steps. "Newton didn't really go out with Rose, did he?" Jasper asked, knowing that that wasn't even a remote possibility. Despite what Emmett thought.

Edward shook his head. "Nah. But, Newton was saying some stuff about Bella that I didn't like... So I figured I'd kill one bird with a huge Emmett stone."

Jasper turned to watch Emmett push the entrance doors open dramatically. "Well," he said as Emmett disappeared into the corridor, "mission accomplished."


"Jazzy!" Emmett shouted from somewhere in the mass of students plodding their way to the cafeteria. Jasper didn't bother to turn and look for his friend. He knew who it was and that it would be only a matter of seconds before he jumped on his back and tried to put him in another headlock. So, he braced himself instead.

Sure enough, 250 pounds of brawn slammed into his back a moment later and the two of them came crashing to the floor.

Just like last week.

"Look what I've got! Look what I've got!" he cried, waving a certain yellow slip around.

Jasper scrambled to push Emmett off him and then snatched up the little piece of paper. It was clear as to what it was, but he wanted to see the extent of the damage.

"It's a four-day suspension," he simply stated.

"Nah, bro," Emmett corrected, snatching the paper back and standing up. "It's a six-day weekend. This is what you missed out on. Where were you at recess, by the way? Please tell me it was a girl."

Jasper couldn't tell Emmett where he really had been. He couldn't tell anyone. "Detention," he grumbled. It was a very plausible excuse. "Varner."

"Well," Emmett replied. "I guess you were with a girl, just not the sort I had in mind. I didn't know you swung that way."

"Emmett. That's disgusting."

He bellowed his laugh and slapped Jasper across the back. "Let's go and get us some chow. I'm starving."

Jasper just shook his head and followed Emmett's lead as he pushed through the crowd. Emmett's ability to get them to the cafeteria before anything had run out was uncanny.

Well, it wasn't really. It was obvious that he had a magic ability to push everybody out of the way.

"Where's Eddie?" Jasper asked as they entered the lunch area sans an amigo. He pulled out his phone at receiving a message. "Didn't he just have class with you...?"

Emmett grinned. "He's got detention because he – unlike you – came to join the Newton-pulverising party this morning."

Jasper nearly dropped the phone in his hands in shock. "He actually got into a fight?"

"Well... no," Emmett clarified, again needing to set aside his wishful thinking, "he was just a bystander."

Jasper sighed. "We didn't do a very good job training that kid, did we?"


Jasper laughed and went back to typing his text message. He followed Emmett blindly while intently watching the screen, until Emmett stopped abruptly and he walked into him.

"Agh! What the hell, Em?"

Jasper looked up and saw him looking over the sea of people in the direction of Mike Newton. That look said that the worst was over, but there were still some aftershocks to come.

"I've been doing some thinking, Jazz-"

"That's dangerous..."

"Shut up. And since I shall be departing you for the next week, I thought you may want to join me."

Jasper looked at him, stuffing the phone into his pocket. Some time off school didn't sound like a bad idea. "What have you got planned?"

Emmett grinned again and withdrew something from his pocket. A tennis ball. "Your aim is better than mine and I bet that you would probably be able to hit Newton square in the nose from here if you tried."

He stuffed the ball into Jasper's hand without waiting.

Jasper looked down at it, trying to fight temptation. Get suspended, or not get suspended...

The knowledge that Emmett was getting a six day weekend and he wasn't was enough to make him give in.

He tossed the ball up and caught it coming down. "You're right – my aim is better than yours."

"I'm just trying to share the love around," Emmett said, assuming Jasper, too, was going to be awarded a long weekend for this.

He watched as Jasper positioned himself, brought the ball back and flung it over the heads of everybody in the cafeteria.

The two watched as the ball flew through the air and then connected with Mike Newton's nose with a loud pop. The ball rebounded off his face and onto the table of some girls nearby. And not just any girls' table, Rosalie's table.

While Emmett doubled over in uncontrollable laughter at his friend's impeccable aim, Jasper ran over to retrieve the evidence before his sneaky cousin, Rosalie, made it worse.

He didn't need his parents to know precisely what it was he got suspended for, evidence and all.

He approached the table where the ball had landed, with the intention of retrieving it, before being sidetracked in watching Newton rush out of the cafeteria with a bloody nose. When he was out of sight, he turned to look at the girls.

"You are such a douche, Jasper," Rosalie seethed. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Jasper ignored her and looked at Bella and their new friend glaring at him for having the ball land in between their lunch trays. "Bella," he greeted with a nod, "New girl." Then he made a move to lean over the table and pick up the ball. But, the new girl snatched it away from his hand before he touched it.

She narrowed her eyes slightly as he gaped at her curiously. Jasper knew what that meant in girl-world: you're in trouble.

"What the hell are you doing, Jazz?" Rosalie cried again at seeing her cousin halt half way leaning across the table.

Jasper straightened up and turned his head to Rosalie. Apparently he wasn't going to get the ball back that easily. "I'm just trying to get suspended here," he explained rationally, as if it were the logical explanation.

She lowered her brow in disapproval and began to shake her head.

"That shouldn't be too hard," the new girl snapped. They all turned to look at her, but she didn't shy away from the attention. "Your intellect should be enough to do the job."

Rosalie and Bella burst out laughing.

Jasper was about to retort when Emmett came bustling over beside him, carrying a tray piled with food. "Ladies," he greeted with a mouth full of bread.

"Heard you got suspended again," Rosalie remarked.

Emmett smiled sarcastically and opened his mouth to begin to defend himself, but Jasper cut in. "I forgot to tell you that Edward completely lied about the whole Newton thing."

Emmett whipped his head around and put the tray down on the table, despite Rosalie's protest. "What you talkin' bout, Jasper?" imitating Gary Coleman in his younger days.

"Newton didn't really go out with Rosie," he explained. "Edward just made shit up because Newton said something he didn't like. You basically did his dirty work for him."

"Where is Edward, by the way?" Bella asked, her ears pricking up at hearing her boyfriend's name spoken.

"Detention," the two of them replied in flat unison.

Jasper turned back to Emmett to continue explaining, but Emmett clearly wasn't interested. His mind was already wandering in the world of his long weekend. "Oh well," he shrugged, taking another bite of his bread roll. "I've got a six-day weekend and he doesn't. I'm livin' la vida loca, baby!"

"Do you even know what that means?" Rosalie asked sceptically.

"I'm living the good life," Emmett replied.

Bella giggled, being the one of the group who studied Spanish. "That's close enough," she offered, smiling politely.

"Thank you, Bella."

Jasper caught the new girl staring at him from the corner of his eye and snapped his attention to her. She didn't look away or pretend that she had only just looked at him.

Her grey eyes seemed to turn to ice as she stared him down.

How dare he, after all, throw a ball at her and her friends and then have the nerve to call her 'new girl'. She would show him that he messed with the wrong girl.

Alice didn't know where all her confidence was coming from, but she liked it. There was no way in hell that she would have done this two weeks ago at her old school, even knowing that she was about to move away forever. She would have died of embarrassment at just the thought. But there was something about this new place... and his smug face... that gave her the feeling that she was in control, which was a pleasant change from drunkard mummy and missing daddy Mississippi had endowed her with.

Above of all, she was finally standing up to herself. Without faltering.

Normally on your first day of school, you would attempt to get along with everybody and prove to the teacher's that you're not an idiot. But, there was this overwhelming desire within her to put this guy, Jasper, in his place before it got out of hand.

She knew his type, they were the same everywhere. And she certainly wouldn't be missing anything by not ever going on a date with him.

That much, she was certain of.

"Keep looking at me like that and I'll know you want me," Jasper almost barked at her.

"Jasper!" Rosalie hissed, ready to come to Alice's defence.

Alice laughed. "Why the hell would I want you?"

"Why are you staring at my pants?"

Emmett inhaled his laugh at the exchange, and, instead, began to choke on his bread. He doubled over momentarily, and the others watched carefully, until his coughing was replaced with fits of laughter. "My boy, Jazzy! Where did you learn to bitch like that?"

Jasper seemed to ignore Emmett, keeping his fiery glare on the girl. "I'm surprised you want to keep a ball that has Newton's blood on it... Are you some sort of vampire or something?"

"Well, if you're so desperate to cover your own tracks, even though there are security cameras in here, then I guess..." she threw the ball at him. He caught it, slightly caught off guard by the force behind it. "Look after it. It is your only one, after all."

The girls all snickered at the joke their new friend had made.

Jasper paused momentarily and looked over at her triumphant grin. He would fix that. "Well, then, in that case," he said, throwing the ball back gently. "You keep it. I've got plenty to go around."

"Well, they must be in your locker because you can't possibly have them on you."

"Oooh!" Emmett interjected, eyeing the distance between the two. This was not the first time he had seen Jasper get into an argument, but it was the first time that he had met his match. And it was entertaining.

Jasper laughed once. "Sweetheart," he informed, crossing his arms. "You're looking straight at them."

"Well, I can't see them behind that tiny zip of yours."

"Oh!" Emmett cried. "Snap!"

Jasper inhaled and decided to take a different approach. "You know what? You're kinda cute," he said, pulling the chair in front of her out to sit on it. "Can I have your number?"

"No way! Jasper, you-" Rosalie was cut off by a confident, "sure," from the girl.

Jasper smiled cockily and poked his tongue out at Rosalie. Then he snapped his expectant head back to the girl.

"1800-bite-me," she said. "What's yours?"

"1800-balls-r-us," he retorted. "Shouldn't be too hard to remember after your stare-fest."

"I didn't ask for the wishful thinking hotline."

Rosalie sniggered appreciatively from the other end of the table and cocked a brow at Jasper when he glared at her.

He got ready to bite back when he was interrupted. "Whitlock!" a man's voice called from the other side of the cafeteria.

Jasper looked over at the voice and found Mr. Varner waiting expectantly by the door.

"Dude..." Emmett said, turning his glance from the teacher to Jasper. "I thought you settled detention with him at recess."

"Ah..." Jasper fumbled, trying to compose his lie. "I... I did."

But everybody heard something was off in his tone.

He gave Alice one last glare as he got up from the chair. Without even saying goodbye to anybody, he walked away in the direction of the teacher calling for him.

It was only when Jasper got half way across the cafeteria that he realised he didn't even know her name.

Emmett watched as his companion left him with the girls, and upon seeing Rosalie throwing daggers at him with her eyes, he decided to take the seat in front of Bella. He slid the tray over and sat down, knowing he had nowhere else to go without Jasper or Edward. He looked at the new girl to avoid another looming argument with his ex-girlfriend.

"I'm Emmett."


"Well, Alice," Emmett said. "You are definitely in for it with my boy Jasper."

"What do you mean I'm in for it?" she asked. "He's in for it!"

A/N: Just so you know, I am not a Newton hater. By any means. He at least knew when to give up on Mary-Sue Bella. So, I promise to send him some love somewhere in the story.


Uhh, yeah. So that's the first chapter of Alice and Jasper's war. What did you think? All I can say is that there are still 2 classes to go before the end of school... anything could happen...

Thanks for reading!