Title: Life Goes On (But I'm Gone Without You)
Characters/Pairings: Kurt Hummel, Noah Puckerman, Burt Hummel. Established Puckurt slash
Warning: Mpreg, angst, sexual references, unbetaed
Spoilers: General spoilers for season two, past 2x03 'Grilled Cheesus'
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee , nor do I own 'Without You' from the musical RENT.
Word Count: Around 4500
Author's Note: This was inspired by a prompt at the Puckurt Fic Meme. Someone else mentioned they wanted to fill it, but I really wanted to fill it so hopefully there'll be two fills
Summary: Life goes on but I'm gone 'cause I die, without youKurt smiled when he felt a pair of muscular, tanned arms wrap around his waist. "So," Puck started, nuzzling the top of Kurt's head. "I was thinking we should celebrate. Not every day we get accepted to the New York Institute of Fine Arts." He said as Kurt closed his locker.
Kurt turned around in Puck's arms so he was facing the bigger boy. "You didn't celebrate enough the other night?" Kurt asked cheekily.
"I meant celebrate without our families around," Puck replied, smirking. "'Cos I don't think your dad would appreciate the way I want to celebrate." Puck winked.
Kurt slapped Puck playfully on the chest. "We can't tonight, sorry," Kurt said. Puck deflated slightly. "I'm working at the garage tonight, remember? I want to save up as much as we can. Besides, aren't you working this afternoon?"
"I meant after work," Puck said. "I know how hot you are after you've been working in the garage," Kurt blushed as Puck leant in to whisper in his ear. "I was thinking you, me, shower. Cleaning you up, so I can get you dirty again." Kurt shivered at Puck's husky tone.
Kurt groaned, shoving Puck away from him. "Puck we can't," Kurt said, his hands on Puck's shoulders. "Maybe tomorrow."
This time it was Puck that groaned. "No far," he said. "But I wanted to thank you," Kurt frowned, confused. "For helping me get accepted to college," Puck added. "Without you, my grades would never have been good enough. It's thanks to you I'm going to New York."
Kurt smiled at his boyfriend. He didn't believe that. He knew Puck could've done it by himself if he set his mind to it. Before Puck was more focused on his reputation, but thanks to Glee he'd realised it wasn't and now Puck was going to college. "You could've done it by yourself." Kurt said.
Puck shook his head. "No I couldn't have," Puck said. "So I was thinking dinner after our shower."
"You know, my dad's going to start asking about the water bill," Kurt said, raising an eyebrow. "But I'd love to go to dinner. Breadstix, tomorrow night?"
"Awesome," Puck replied, leaning down to kiss Kurt on the mouth. "We'll get ready together." He murmured against Kurt's lips. He kissed Kurt again, before he winked and started walking to class.
Kurt's chest swelled with pride at his boyfriend as he watched Puck walk again.
Kurt grimaced, wincing at the pain in his stomach. He paused what he was doing, reaching down and rubbing his stomach. "You okay, little buddy?" Kurt looked up to find Jack watching him in concern. "You don't look good."
"I'm fine," Kurt replied, biting his lip to stop himself from whimpering. "I'm fine." He repeated.
"Go home little buddy," Jack said, standing and moving over to stand beside Kurt. He rested his hand on Kurt's forehead before pulling it away. "Go home and get some rest," Kurt opened his mouth to argue but Jack interrupted. "No arguments. Your daddy wouldn't be happy if something happened to you."
"But I need to save up for college." Kurt protested weakly.
"Tell you what, little buddy, if you go home I'll give you my pay."
Kurt looked up, his eyes going wide. "Uncle Jack, I can't do that. You need the money more than I do."
"Fine, I'll give you half my pay if you go home," Jack said. "Consider it my congratulations gift."
Kurt was about to argue again when the pain in his stomach intensified slightly. He winced, rubbing at his stomach in an attempt to sooth the pain. "Fine," he relented. "Thank you Uncle Jack," he stretched up and hugged Jack, wincing slightly. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Hope you get better." Jack said, messing up Kurt's hair. Kurt scowled at him, reaching up to fix it immediately. Jack laughed at him, before waving Kurt off. Kurt smiled and waved goodbye, moving toward his car.
Kurt buried his face in his pillow, his chest heaving. The cramps in his stomach were nearly excruciating now. They'd been intensifying the whole drive over from the garage and now Kurt could barely breathe because it hurt so much. He could taste blood in his mouth because he'd been biting at his lip for the past half hour.
"Kurt?" Kurt wanted to talk, to tell his father where he was but it hurt too much to talk properly. "Kurt are you okay?" He asked. "Jack said you weren't feeling well."
Kurt could hear his father moving down the stairs to his room. "Daddy?" Burt moved faster, moving to come sit on the edge of the bed. "Daddy, it hurts."
"Ssh, bub you're okay," Burt said, stroking his hair. "I'm here, you're okay," he said. "I'll get you a heat pack for your stomach. If you're not better in a half hour or so I'm taking you to the hospital. Okay?" Kurt nodded, before he felt his father stand up. A few minutes later Burt returned. "Come on, buddy, roll over onto your side," Kurt shook his head but Burt helped him roll over. "Here buddy," he said, placing a heat pack against Kurt's stomach and wiping Kurt's forehead with a wet cloth. "I'll come check on you in a few minutes, okay buddy?"
Burt found in hard to concentrate while he watched Deadliest Catch. He kept an ear out for Kurt, but he couldn't hear any noise coming from the bedroom. He was worried about Kurt. He couldn't stand to see his son in so much pain. Burt gave up trying to watch Deadliest Catch and instead went into the kitchen to make Kurt some tea in the hope it would help him. Burt was in the middle of digging through the cupboard for the tea when he heard Kurt cry out.
"Dad!" Burt dropped the tea, running down the stairs to the basement. "Dad, help!"
Burt froze for a moment when he reached the bottom of the stairs. Kurt's pants were soaked in blood, as well as the bed. Burt sprung into action, moving over the bed. "I'm here, buddy, I'm here," he said, hooking his arm under Kurt's and under Kurt's legs. "We're going to the hospital." Kurt nodded, his face white and his eyes wide. Burt lifted Kurt bridal style, making sure to be careful as he carried Kurt up to the stairs.
Burt carried Kurt into the emergency room, keeping his eyes on Kurt's scared face the whole time. "Help, someone please help my son."
"Come through here, sir," a nurse said, leading them through to an exam room. "A doctor will be with you in a moment," Burt was tempted to demand someone look after Kurt immediately, but he had to focus on Kurt right now. He carefully placed Kurt on the exam bed, turning Kurt over so he was lying on his side. Burt looked around for a chair and when he found one he dragged it over to sit beside Kurt. "What's his name?" The nurse asked.
"Kurt Hummel," Burt replied, watching the nurse write it down. "He had stomach cramps during the afternoon and then he started bleeding." The nurse nodded, writing it down on the clipboard. "You need to change into a hospital gown." She said, handing him one before disappearing from the room.
Burt made Kurt stand up, helping Kurt into the hospital gown before helping him lie back down. "Dad, what's wrong with me?" Kurt asked, his voice soft and trembling. "I'm scared." He added in a whisper.
"It'll be okay," Burt said, stroking Kurt's hair again. "I'm here, you're okay," Kurt nodded, though he didn't look any less scared. "You go to sleep buddy. Get some rest." Kurt nodded and closed his eyes. Burt was starting to get anxious, jiggling his leg up and down as he waited. He alternated between watching the clock and Kurt, angry that nobody was coming to help his kid.
"Mr. Hummel?" Burt looked up, relieved to see a doctor approaching them.
"What's wrong with my son?" Burt asked, taking Kurt's hand and squeezing.
"Have you had sexual intercourse?" The doctor asked, ignoring Burt. Kurt glanced at Burt, before nodding. "We need to do a pelvic examination, just to check out the area."
Kurt squeezed Burt's hand unconsciously, trembling slightly. He nodded before rolling over to lie on his back. Burt watched the doctor as the doctor pulled gloves on and stepped closer to the bed, pulling the curtain around them for privacy. The doctor put his hands on Kurt's legs, lifting them so his knees were bent and spread. The doctor placed a blue sheet over Kurt's lap.
Kurt squeezed his eyes shut as the doctor did the examination, squeezing Burt's hand. Burt could see a tear run down Kurt's cheek and he hated to see Kurt like this. "You're okay," Burt whispered, stroking Kurt's hair. "What's wrong?" Burt asked when the doctor finished a moment later, removing his gloves.
"We'll need an ultrasound to be sure," the doctor replied. "I'll be right back."
"We'll be alright," Burt said. "Whatever happens, we'll deal with it and we'll be okay. I promise." Kurt nodded, before he stretched over and wrapped his arms around Burt, burying his face in Burt's shoulder. Burt wrapped his arms around his son, his cheek resting on the top of Kurt's head.
They pulled away a moment later when the doctor returned, pushing a portable ultrasound. He pushed it over beside the bed, before he turned to Kurt and reached behind Kurt to pull the top of Kurt's hospital gown down. "This will be cold." He warned, before squirting gel onto Kurt's lower stomach. Kurt nodded, hissing slightly at the temperature. The doctor remained silent while he used the ultrasound, the wand moving around Kurt's stomach.
"What's wrong?" Burt asked, his agitation rising when the doctor didn't reply. "Damn it, just tell me what's wrong with my son!" He yelled, getting to his feet.
"Your son suffered an early miscarriage," the doctor said, unfazed by Burt's outburst. "He was approximately eight weeks pregnant," Burt stumbled back, feeling like the wind had been knocked out of him. "I'm sorry."
Burt was barely aware of the doctor leaving as he sank into the chair. Kurt let out a sob, covering his mouth with his hand before he rolled over, curling up. "Kurt," Burt couldn't think of anything to say, his mouth opening and closing as he thought of what to say to his son. He couldn't think of anything to say, didn't know what to say to his son that would make it okay. Nothing could make this okay. This was one time Burt wouldn't be able to help Kurt, wouldn't be able to make things better for his son. "I'm sorry." He finally settled on, knowing how inadequate that was.
Kurt didn't say anything, his body shaking as he cried.
Kurt didn't say anything on the car trip room, staring off into the distance with a glazed look in his eye. Burt struggled to think of what he could say to Kurt, much like he had back at the hospital. Once the car stopped, Burt rested his hand on Kurt's shoulder. Kurt didn't react, moving slowly as he finally climbed out of the car. Burt waited until Kurt was out of sight before he angrily hit the steering wheel, making sure to miss the horn.
He couldn't believe this was happening to his baby boy. It wasn't fair that this was happening to his son. Kurt was strong, had always been strong, but it just wasn't fair. Kurt seemed to always be dealt a hard hand in life, with his mother dying, being bullied for being gay, nearly losing his father. It wasn't fair that Kurt lost his baby as well.
Burt climbed out of the car, moving stiffly. His limbs felt heavy as he walked into the quiet house. The house was fairly quiet, what with Kurt's music and with Finn and his friends but now it was quiet and Burt hated it. He never thought there'd be a moment when he'd want the house to be full of noise and teenage boys.
He went to check on Kurt, only to find the door to the basement was locked. He clenched his fists, resting his forehead against the door for a moment. "I'm sorry son." He whispered. He sighed, before he retreated to the dining room, grabbing the phone on the way. He sat at the dining table, staring at the phone for a few minutes before he dialled the first number.
"Hey, um, this is Burt Hummel," Burt said. "I'm just calling to tell you Kurt Hummel won't be coming in to school for the rest of the week."
"Alright," the secretary said. "Thank you for informing us."
"No problem," Burt said, before he hung up. He dialled the garage next. "Hey Jack." He greeted.
"Hey Burt," Jack said. "How's Kurt?" He asked, concern in his voice.
"Not good," Burt replied, taking off his hat and running a hand over his head. "It's- He's- It's not good Jack. He's alright psychically but mentally..." He trailed off. "I don't know what to do." He admitted.
"Don't worry about the garage, we'll take care of it," Jack said. "And Mary will cook you some food, bring it around later so you don't have to worry about that. You just focus on you and Kurt."
"Thanks, Jack," Burt said. "I'll be back next week."
"Take your time Burt," Jack said. "Take care."
Burt hung up the phone, dropping it onto the table and letting his head drop to the table. He sighed, resting his hands on the back of his neck. He ran his hands over his head again, before he realised he'd have to call Carole to tell her to stay away for the next few days. And Puck. He'd have to talk to Puck.
He dialled Carole first. "Hey Burt," Carole greeted, her chirper tone making him squeeze his eyes shut. "What's wrong honey?"
"Kurt's sick," he replied. "I, uh, need you to do me a favour and stay away from the house for a few days. Can you do that for me?"
"Sure, Burt," Carole sounded confused. "Is he okay? Is there anything I can do?" She asked.
"He'll be fine," Burt replied. "We just need everyone to stay away from the house for the next few days. I'm sorry for being an inconvenience but-"
"I understand Burt," Carole interrupted. "It's fine. I'm sure we can find somewhere to stay for a few nights."
"Call Jack from the garage, ask him if it's okay for you to stay with him and Mary," he said. "And tell him I owe him. I'll pay him back."
"Okay Burt, tell Kurt I hope he feels better," Carole said. "Love you Burt."
"Love you too Carole." Burt said before he hung up. The next call would be the hardest. He wasn't sure how he'd be able to stand talking to Puck. He'd grown to love Puck like he was his own son. When he'd first found out Kurt was dating Puck, someone who'd been to juvie, he'd been worried Puck would be a bad influence for his son. But to Burt's surprise, and everyone else's, the two were good together. Puck was kind and gentle around Kurt and very protective of the smaller boy. Numerous times Puck had gotten into trouble for fights because one of the jocks had tried something with Kurt. And Kurt had been a good influence on Puck too, getting the other boy to study and helping him get accepted into college.
"Hey, Mr. H," Puck greeted when Burt called him. "Sup?" Unfortunately Kurt hadn't been able to improve Puck's language.
"I need you to do me a favour and stay away from the house for a few days," Burt replied. "Kurt's sick and we need everyone to stay away from the house for a few days."
"He's sick?" Puck asked. "Is he okay? What happened? Is he okay?" Puck's voice grew frantic.
"Puckerman, relax," Burt replied. "He's fine, he'll be fine. You can see him in a few days."
"Are you sure?" Puck asked. "Are you sure I can't come over now? What if he wants me there?" He asked.
"I'm sorry Puck," Burt said, trying to keep his voice even. "You'll be fine. You can cope without him for a few days. I'll call you as soon as you can see him. Try not to worry, he's fine."
Puck grumbled under his breath and Burt worried for a moment that Puck would show up anyway. "Fine," Puck finally said. "I'll be over as soon as you call though." He said, before he hung up. Burt stared at the phone, dreading the way they'd have to tell Puck what happened. He didn't want Kurt to be the one to tell Puck, but he didn't want Puck to hear it from him.
That night Burt slept outside the door to Kurt's room in his sleeping bag.
Burt retrieved one of the containers with food that John had dropped off from the fridge, placing it on the sick before reaching over and grabbing two plates. He started dishing out the food, though a voice in the back of his head told him it was pointless because Kurt wasn't going to eat it. He left his plate on the sink, taking the other and leaving it outside Kurt's door on the floor.
He knocked gently on the door. "Kurt, buddy," he said. "There's food here. You need to eat buddy." He leant against the door, feeling useless. He couldn't even get his son to eat now. He retreated to the kitchen where he ate his lunch slowly, trying not to think about his granddaughter or grandson. It hurt to think about what could've been and he could imagine how difficult it must be for Kurt.
Burt waited another hour and when the food didn't disappear, he decided he had to do something about it. Kurt hadn't had anything to eat in three days and he needed to eat. Burt took Kurt's plate and put it in the microwave, heating it up. He moved back to Kurt's door, grabbing the door handle and bracing himself against the door. He took a step before smashing his body into the door. The lock smashed, and the wall and door broke but Burt didn't care. He retrieved Kurt's plate from the kitchen before moving downstairs into Kurt's room.
Kurt was lying on his bed in the same clothes he'd worn to the hospital three days ago, curled up in the fetal position. Burt wondered if he'd moved the slightest over the past few days. Burt stepped forward, walking over to the bed. He sat on the edge of the bed, resting his hand on Kurt's thigh.
"Kurt, you need to eat," Kurt didn't say anything. "Please, Kurt, you need to eat," Burt placed the plate of food on the side table. "Please, Kurt, for me. You need to eat. I can't stand watching you like this."
Kurt didn't say anything, but after a moment he nodded, slightly. Burt sighed in relief, before he reached over and placed the plate in his lap. He started to fed Kurt, glad his son was finally showing life. Nearly half an hour later, Kurt finished the meal and Burt replaced it on the side table. "Come on, buddy, let's get you into the shower." He helped Kurt stand, helping him into the adjoined bathroom.
Kurt managed to shower by himself, keeping his gaze averted from the bloody clothes as Burt shoved them into a garbage bag. Burt waited in the bathroom for Kurt to finish, before helping Kurt out and helping him dress, Kurt's legs shaking too much from lack of use for him to do it by himself. When they finished Kurt wrapped his arms around Burt, burying his face in Burt's neck. "Thank you dad."
"It's no problem," Burt said. "I'm glad you're back," he rubbed Kurt's back soothingly, not wanting to let go of his son just yet. "I know you probably don't want to, but you need to talk to Puck," Kurt stiffened but Burt continued to rub his back. "If you're alright with it, I'll tell him he can come over tomorrow after school."
Kurt slackened in Burt's arms for a few moments, nodding his head. "I don't know what to say to him," he whispered. "He'll be devastated."
"Yeah, he will," Burt agreed, not wanting to lie to his son. "But you'll be okay."
"I hope so." Kurt said, his voice small.
Kurt rested his hand on his stomach as he sat cross-legged on his bed. He stared at his stomach, imagining it grow bigger as the baby inside it grew. He imagined what it would've looked like in a few months if things hadn't gone wrong. If he closed his eyes, Kurt could imagine sitting on the bed much like he was now, watching Puck play with their young son or daughter, trying to teach them to walk. He could imagine Puck sitting on the bed playing guitar while Kurt sat beside him and watched, their son or daughter sitting in his lap clapping alone.
Kurt reached up to wipe a tear away at the thoughts. He hadn't been able to sleep for days, his dreams filled with what ifs and nightmares. He was either dreaming of what could've been or having nightmares of being stuck at the hospital for days, his baby painfully being taken from him. The worst nightmare had been on the first night, when he'd dreamed they'd cut him open without pain killers and taken his baby from him.
The what-ifs and what could never be hurt Kurt the most. He'd never be able to see his baby on an ultrasound, he'd never be able to hold his baby, he'd never be able to hear them talk for the first time or teach them to walk. He'd never be able to see the baby grow up, grow from a children to a teenager, to an adult. He'd never be able to see his baby have a family of their own. He'd never be able to have that, and he didn't even know the reason why he couldn't. That thought had eaten him up inside for the past three days, making him unable to move, unable to function.
Now though, Kurt had to start getting on with life again. He couldn't miss anymore school this close to college and he had to face the world eventually. It hurt that he had to go on with life as if nothing ever happened, but it had to be done.
Kurt looked up at the sound of the basement door opening, the blood draining from his face as he realised it was Puck entering his bedroom. He'd have to tell Puck, have to tell him that they'd never see their son or daughter.
"Hey babe, are you okay?" Puck asked, a concerned expression on his face as he moved over and sat on the bed in front of Kurt. "What's wrong? Why haven't you been out of the house in the last few days?"
Kurt looked down at his stomach and his hand rested on top of it. "I went to the doctor's the other door," Kurt replied, not looking at Puck yet. "And it turns out it's possible for some males to get pregnant. I-"
"You're pregnant?" Puck asked. Kurt looked up at Puck's voice. Puck's voice was excited and he was grinning, his face lit up.
Kurt couldn't breathe, it hurt so much to see Puck's face like that. See how happy Puck was at the prospect of having a baby. He doubled over, wrapping his arms around his stomachs, unable to stop himself from crying. His chest heaved as he tried to stop crying long enough to tell Puck, but he just couldn't. "They're gone," he finally choked out. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, they're gone."
After a moment Puck's arms were wrapped around Kurt and Kurt immediately clutched at Puck like he needed the other boy to survive. Puck rested his cheek on Kurt's hair, stroking Kurt's back and whispering nothings to calm him down. Puck hated to think Kurt had been going through this by himself for the past few days, that he'd been so upset he couldn't leave the house. Puck could understand that, could understand wanting to just curl up and lock out the rest of the world. But he couldn't. Kurt needed him, they needed each other.
"Are you okay?" Puck asked. "Psychically?" He asked. Kurt nodded against Puck's chest. "I hate this," Puck said against Kurt's hair. "Why does this have to happen to us? It's not fair." Puck took a few deep breaths, trying not to cry. He couldn't cry, he needed to be strong.
Puck looked up at the sound of someone knocking on the door and he watched as Burt made his way down the stairs. "You okay boys?" Burt asked softly. Puck shrugged, not knowing how to answer exactly. "I have an idea to help you boys." He said. "Are you up for it?"
Puck nodded, climbing off the bed and helping Kurt up. He gripped Kurt's hand, squeezing the boy in support as they climbed the stairs. They followed Burt into the garden, where Burt handed Puck a small potted tree. "Thank you." Puck said, realising what Burt meant. Burt nodded, squeezing Puck's shoulder before he stepped back. Puck crouched down and reached for the trowel and started digging. After a moment Kurt crouched beside him and Puck handed him the trowel. Kurt dug for a few minutes and the two continued to trade it back and forth until a big enough hole had been dug.
"I'll miss you baby." Kurt whispered as Puck placed the tree in the hole. Kurt fingered one of the leaves, thinking about his baby. It hurt to think this tree would grow, but his baby never would. He swallowed, glancing up at Puck as the bigger boy wrapped his arm around Kurt's waist and the two of them stood up.
Burt stepped forward and placed something on the ground in front of the tree. It was a rock with a plaque attached to it, inscribed with 'We'll never forget, Isaac Noah Puckerman, 2012.' Kurt looked up at his father and smiled at him.
Puck tugged Kurt closer to him, kissing Kurt's hair. It wasn't fair that this happened to them, it wasn't fair that they'd lose their baby.
But they'd try again. They'd be okay.