Hi! My name is Maddie (aka Feeding-The-Wolves) for those of you who don't know me, and this is a rewritten version of my original parody of Revenge of the Sith. It was the first fanfic I'd ever written, so to be honest it wasn't all that good; but for some reason, people still liked it. Yay! Hopefully people will like it even more now, because I've improved every single sentence, changed the parts that didn't work too well, and added in heaps of new stuff. I even wrote a special epilogue, which I'm really excited about!
I should probably warn you guys that the chapters are quite short, which might annoy some people. Sorry about that, but it's just the way the story panned out. Oh, and if you're an Anakin fan, you might want to look away now... I really don't like his character, so I have not been kind to him.
Rating: T- there's some coarse language (not too serious though), sexual references, and plenty of drug and alcohol use.
Disclaimer: Aside from my own inventions, the characters, plots and settings in this story all belong to George Lucas and co. I also don't own Grey's Anatomy. And I think Jacuzzi might be a trademark name, so I don't own that either.
High above the planet Coruscant, the battle raged between the Separatists and the Republic's clone army. Hundreds of small fighter ships swarmed around the huge Separatist battleships, emitting green and red laser bolts. Amid the flurry of movement and noise, no-one noticed two small starfighters fly into the fray; one red, the other yellow.
In the red fighter sat Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, a distinguished member of the Jedi Council, and a famous warrior. He had short, light brown hair and a reasonably ugly beard, along with deep blue eyes that many women had described as far sexier than those of any other Jedi Master. At this point in time, these eyes were filled with a considerable amount of annoyance, because he was far from pleased with his current situation.
Obi-Wan's former apprentice, Anakin Skywalker, sat in the yellow fighter. His hair was longer and darker. A jagged scar stretched across the right side of his face, a result of an unfortunate encounter with a drag queen in one of Coruscant's nightclubs. No-one except Anakin and his wife knew this, however; he had told everyone that he had been attacked by a bounty hunter. Anakin had spent years perfecting his image as a dark, brooding sex symbol.
The two Jedi had been sent to rescue Chancellor Palpatine of the Galactic Senate, who had been kidnapped by the leader of the Separatists, General Grievous. Obi-Wan did not relish this mission; he would much rather be back at the Temple, eating nachos and watching Grey's Anatomy. However, Anakin appeared to be almost wild with excitement. He was grinning widely and steering his starfighter with an energy that verged on recklessness. As Obi-Wan followed at a more sensible pace, he noticed that Anakin had furry dice hanging from the roof of his cockpit. There was also a bumper sticker which read, "I don't brake for Separatists" on the back of his fighter.
Anakin was passing the time by telling Obi-Wan stories of his time as an illegal artefacts dealer.
"So anyway, the stolen TVs were actually made by Wookiies! Ha! Actually no, that wasn't very funny... I had one of those TVs in my bedroom, and it exploded. But it was funny when we found out that the microwaves were actually made by-"
"Now is not the time to treat me to 'The All-Time Greatest Mistakes of Anakin Skywalker'," Obi-Wan interrupted loudly. "We'll need weeks and a great deal of alcohol for that."
R2-D2, the astromech droid who sat in the roof of Anakin's starfighter, beeped an exhausted sigh. This sort of thing happened every time he went on a mission with these two Jedi. The little droid emitted a series of shrill beeps and whistles which roughly translated to mean: "Why do I always get the crap missions? I should have become a beauty therapist".
If Anakin had bothered to look at the screen in front of him, he would have seen this translation. However, he didn't bother. No-one ever listened to R2. The droid briefly considered contacting R4, the droid who was accompanying Obi-Wan, and asking her out on a date just to annoy the Jedi, but he decided it wasn't worth it.
"Ooh!" Anakin cried suddenly, sitting up very straight in his seat. "General Grievous' ship is directly ahead, Master!"
Obi-Wan yelled in shock as he felt blaster bolts pummel the side of his starfighter.
"Oh... wait, that's you. Sorry," Anakin said sheepishly.
Sighing in a long-suffering manner, Obi-Wan instructed R4 to do what she could to repair the damage. "That big battleship over there with the built-in Jacuzzi is Grievous' ship, Anakin."
The two Jedi swooped down towards the colossal starship. However, before they could reach it, a dozen enemy ships broke away from the Separatist battleship and flew towards them, firing energy bolts. Obi-Wan activated his comlink and contacted the clone who was flanking his starfighter. This particular clone was named Cody, which was odd as the other clones all had names like Gamma 328, and he was the commander of his battalion.
"Commander Cody, follow us and guard our asses," Obi-Wan ordered.
Cody quickly accessed a language database in his ship's computer. What does "ass" mean? Oh.
"Yes, sir," Cody said obediently, signalling his troops to go into attack formation.
As Obi-Wan watched the clones and the Separatist fighters clash, he decided it would be a good idea to give Anakin something to do, otherwise he was liable to fly off and kill something.
"Anakin, you can help shoot down the enemy ships, while I go this way and-"
"Wooooooooo!" Anakin yelled as he streaked towards the battle, performing a few loop-de-loops on the way. He circled around the remaining enemy ships and shot them down with his laser cannon. Unfortunately, a few of the laser bolts rebounded off the durasteel hull of the battleship, hitting Cody's starfighter, and he spun out of control and exploded in a ball of flame.
"Well, that could have gone better," Obi-Wan said wearily as he steered his ship down towards the battleship.
"I think I did pretty well," Anakin commented in a surprised tone.
Obi-Wan snorted disbelievingly. "You killed Commander Cody!"
"He was just a clone," the younger Jedi said dismissively. "Clones are disposable, like tissues, or pop stars." Turning sharply, Anakin aimed his starfighter towards the hangar bay of the battleship.
Wondering distantly which pop stars Anakin was thinking of, Obi-Wan followed his companion towards the hangar bay. The two starfighters landed violently on the duracrete floor, sending sparks flying; Anakin and Obi-Wan leaped out of their ships as they skidded across the hangar. A group of Battle Droids spun around and ran towards them, lifting their blasters. Obi-Wan ignited his lightsaber and began to deflect the droids' blaster fire; rather than attempting to help, Anakin instead chose to examine a scratch on the hull of his starfighter. Over the years, he had become very skilled at subtly avoiding any kind of work.
"Oh sure Anakin, just stand there and do nothing while I kill these droids myself!" Obi-Wan snapped as he beheaded a droid with a swing of his lightsaber.
"Okay, thanks!" Anakin called cheerfully.
Once Obi-Wan had dispatched the last of the droids, he deactivated his lightsaber and stalked back over to his lazy associate.
"Hey, do you think I could buff this out?" Anakin asked, indicating the scratch on his starfighter.
Obi-Wan reignited his lightsaber and plunged the blade into the hull of the fighter. "I doubt it," he said as he walked away across the hangar.
Anakin stared in horror at the smoking hole Obi-Wan had inflicted on his pride and joy. "Master, you must control these homicidal tendencies! Have you taken your medication today?"
Obi-Wan spun around and snarled, "Shut up, or I'll bust a cap on your ass!"
The younger Jedi rolled his eyes. Regaining control of his anger with a few deep breaths, Obi-Wan turned to R2-D2.
"R2, locate the Chancellor."
Much to everyone's surprise, Chancellor Palpatine's comlink signal appeared to be coming from the Senate.
Obi-Wan scratched his chin, frowning. "That's weird. According to that signal, he's on Coruscant."
"Well these things never work anyway," Anakin said matter-of-factly. "Did you know they are made by-"
"Yeah, whatever," Obi-Wan interrupted quickly before his friend could launch into another of his stories. "Let's see if this ship has a bar. We can find the Chancellor later."
Anakin grinned. "You read my mind!"
At last, something they could agree on.
Alcohol is going to be a recurring theme in this story, especially around Anakin. I like to think that a drinking problem would explain his behaviour during the whole saga.
Anyway, I hope you liked the first chapter! Please review and tell me what you think! The next chapter will be up soon, providing I don't forget about it.