Here it is! The final chapter! Wow... it's taken a long time to get here. Tacked onto the end of this chapter is the epilogue, which includes a visit from one of my favourite characters (if you've read my Star Wars II spoof, you'll know who this is).
Revenge of the Disclaimer: I still don't own Star Wars, which kind of sucks since I spent about three years writing this damn thing. It was fun though! I don't own Twitter or the song "Baby Got Back". Also, the title is from a song by Children Collide, which I don't own either.
So, without further ado:
Obi-Wan rushed Padmé to a medical facility on a nearby moon, where Master Yoda and Senator Organa were waiting. The three men stood and watched from behind a glass barrier as medical droids tended to Padmé in the room beyond. After a few minutes, a droid emerged and approached them.
"We can't find anything medically wrong with her... well, apart from this fatally large wound in her head. My diagnosis is that she is dying of a broken heart. I understand that is considered to be a real ailment by you humans. Oh, and she's pregnant too."
"What?" Bail gasped. "Oh my God, I have got to tweet this right now!" He pulled out his phone and began to frantically press buttons.
"Stupid Skywalker!" Yoda shouted. "Fathering children all over the place! This never happened in my day!"
"Hey!" Obi-Wan said. "I actually understood that!"
As Yoda continued to rant, Obi-Wan went into the room beyond. A short time later, two babies were born: a boy and a girl.
'Luke and Leia," Padmé told Obi-Wan. "That's L-E-I-A, not L-A-Y-E-R. Don't you dare change that spelling, Obi-Wan. Oh, and for my will, I leave you C-3P0 and R2-D2."
Obi-Wan suppressed a groan.
"I leave Yoda my oven," Padmé continued, oblivious to Obi-Wan's complaints. "He'll need it where he's going. And for Senator Organa..."
She continued to recite her bequests to everyone from the doorman of her apartment block to her massage therapist. Is this supposed to happen? Obi-Wan wondered. Do people usually take this long to die?
He was just hoping that she would run out of possessions to give when her eyes closed, and the life left her. Obi-Wan breathed a sigh of relief, and tried to look grief-stricken.
While his wife was dying, Anakin was healing. Medical droids stitched up his wounds and attempted to repair the damage the Botox had done, but the internal injuries were very severe. Their only option was to seal his body into a heavy mechanical suit and gleaming helmet which were equipped with life-support technology. Darth Vader's new suit was completely black.
Once the suit and helmet were in place, the room was silent except for Vader's deep mechanical breathing. Eventually, Sidious pulled his apprentice into a standing position and asked, "Can you hear me, Lord Vader?"
"Yes, Master," said Vader in a deep, quiet voice. "Where is Padmé? Is she safe?"
Sidious' smile vanished. "Uh... it appears that in your anger, you killed her."
"What?" Vader rasped. "No! I can't have!"
"I'll just give you a minute to recover from that," Sidious said. He was silent for ten seconds. "Okay, that's long enough."
Luckily, Darth Vader had already gotten over the death of his wife. He was busy examining his new apparel.
"I think I'm going to like having this new body," he enthused. "I even have a built-in radio!"
Vader pressed a button on his chest and the radio switched on. The song "Baby Got Back" started to play out of his helmet. "I like BIG BUTTS..." he sang loudly.
Lord Sidious shook his head. Oh, dear, he thought wearily. I have the feeling it's going to take a long time to train him to be as evil as me.
After Padmé's death, Obi-Wan, Yoda and Senator Organa retreated to a private room to discuss the future of her children.
"Hidden away, the children must be, so that Darth Vader cannot feel their presence," Yoda declared.
Bail nodded slowly. "I will take the girl. My husband and I have been hoping to adopt a little girl for a long time."
"Husband?" Obi-Wan spluttered. "But... what?"
"Gay marriage is legal on Alderaan," Bail said pointedly.
To cover up the embarrassment this revelation caused him, Obi-Wan asked, "What about the boy?"
Yoda closed his eyes. "To his family on Tatooine he will go," he announced, after a few seconds of silent thought.
Obi-Wan nodded in agreement. "I will take the boy and watch over him."
"Meet again, I expect we shall, sometime in the future," Yoda remarked, secretly hoping that they wouldn't.
"Yes," agreed Obi-Wan. "I think I'll age abnormally in the intervening years and become a hermit."
"Become a hermit also on my home planet of Dagobah, I will," Yoda said. "Unlike you, age gracefully, I shall; but look slightly different because, rather than CGI, use a puppet for me, they will."
"I hope I get a different haircut," Obi-Wan said thoughtfully, already considering bringing back the mullet.
Yoda nodded; he definitely needed a haircut. "Lose my speech impediment, I hope to."
Bail looked around at his companions. "I sure hope the next movie is better than this one."
A year later, two men sat in front of a ragged hut, drinking beer and watching the twin suns of Tatooine set. On the left was Obi-Wan, and on the right his former Master, Qui-Gon Jinn.
"I can't believe you named a lizard after me," Qui-Gon said, shaking his head.
"He was a very nice lizard!" Obi-Wan argued. "You would have liked him. He died, though, so I got a bantha to replace him."
Qui-Gon looked dubiously at his old apprentice. "Out of all the creatures in the Galaxy, why did you choose to have a bantha? You could have had a really cool pet, like a Nexu."
"Bantha produce excellent milk," Obi-Wan pointed out. "Well, the milk is green, but it tastes pretty good. Hey, do you want to know what my bantha's name is?"
"His name is Qui-Gon the Third," Obi-Wan said triumphantly.
The bantha's namesake glared angrily at his friend. "Don't you dare name anything else after me, Obi-Wan."
For a few minutes, both men stared out at the shadows rolling across the white sand before them, sipping their beer.
"So, what are you going to do now?" Qui-Gon asked, breaking the long silence.
"Well, aside from go crazy and talk to my kettle, I am going to watch over Anakin's son." Obi-Wan frowned worriedly. "While I'm on the subject, how am I supposed to tell him that his father is Darth Vader?"
"That will be an interesting conversation," Qui-Gon remarked. "Actually, let me know when you're going to do that; I'd really like to watch."
Obi-Wan looked reproachfully at his old friend.
"What?" Qui-Gon said defensively. "There isn't much to do in the afterlife." He drained the last few drops of his beer and threw the bottle out onto the sand. "Well, this was nice; we should do it again sometime. But right now, I have a wife and children to return to."
"Yeah, yeah," Obi-Wan sighed, rolling his eyes. "I get it; I'm a lonely, friendless, hermit."
"Oh, don't say that," Qui-Gon said reassuringly, patting his former apprentice on the shoulder. "You still have Qui-Gon the Third; plus the kettle, once the fragile threads of your sanity have finally snapped. And I'll drop in every now and then, I promise. Goodbye, Obi-Wan."
As Qui-Gon's form began to slowly dissipate, Obi-Wan raised his beer in farewell.
"See you on the other side!"
Yay! What did you guys think? I hope you've all enjoyed reading my story! Out of all the stuff I've written, it's definitely my personal favourite, so I was so pleased to receive all of your lovely reviews! I've been keeping a tally of the people who've been reading this story since I published the first chapter, so that I could give a special thanks to everyone. Sorry if I missed anyone!
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So many people! Thankyou thankyou thankyou to all of you guys, plus anyone I may have accidentally missed out. I hope you've had fun reading my story. Hopefully I'll speak to all of you again soon! Byeee! :) xxoo