A/N: Apart from being my first Mass Effect fanfic, this was a random bit of drabble inspired by this GIF on deviantart:
[ http colonslashslash kundagi dot deviantart dot com slash art slash Assistance-Requested-182275547 ]
by Kundagi. It's amazingly awesome and I fell in love with it immediately. Plus, it's Legion.
I've been sitting on this since February, unsure how to wrap it up, and it just turned into a procrastination tool. It's currently a one-shot but if anyone has any other hilarious pop-culture things for Legion to run across on the extranet, let me know and I might add on later.
Thanks for reading!
Shuttles whizzed by over their heads, casting shadows across the sun-decorated trade platform. Shepard glanced out across Ilium's cityscape, ignoring the attentions of an asari she'd purchased some upgrade from on her last visit to the city. Tali was not as attentive, being drawn away by an advertisement for a new omni-tool.
"Why, exactly, are we on Ilium?"
Shepard turned back, effectively silencing the annoying asari. Garrus was glancing around the platform, subconsciously rubbing one of the jagged holes in his armor. "Huh?"
"You never did tell us. Why, exactly, are we back here?"
"I wasn't quite ready to report back to the assholes on the Council."
Garrus chuckled. "Can't imagine why. So why bring the geth?"
"He's coming with us on the Citadel as well. Jack, Kasumi, and Zaeed independently bet me that I couldn't get Legion past security on major stations."
He glanced back where the geth was examining a galactic news terminal. "So you're going to take a geth on the Citadel?"
"Why not? He admits the Reapers aren't geth make. I doubt the Council will listen but it's worth a try." She tapped the geth. "Come on. You can transmit galactic news later."
They started towards Liara's office on the far end of the trading platform, managing to extract Tali from the omni-tool salesperson along the way. "You never did answer why we're on Ilium," Garrus continued.
"I got a message from Liara. She requested my assistance. I'm not sure what she needs."
"You don't know why?" Tali asked.
"I'm sure it has something to do with her Shadow Broker issues. We'll find out soon enough." Shepard started up the stairs, the others right behind her. Liara's new receptionist looked up as they approached.
"May I help you?"
"Tell Liara that Shepard's here for her."
"Liara is currently out, but I will send her a message." The receptionist did so. "She says you may wait in her office."
The office door slid closed behind them. "This is Liara's office?" Tali asked, looking around her. "It looks . . . nice."
"She's an information broker," Garrus said, dropping into one of the chairs. "It should be impressive."
Shepard had a better view of the shuttles zooming around the towers from the window. She wasn't sure why the shuttles were bothering her that particular day, but she wasn't worried about it. "I'm not fond of the fact that she's wandering around when the Shadow Broker's after her head."
The trio turned at the sound. Legion had picked up a short-haired white cat from somewhere in the office, holding it at arms' length as it tried to bat at the geth's optic. "Shepard-Commander –"
"Oh. You found Liara's cat." Shepard stepped forward and scratched it behind its ears.
"You might want to take her before it kills it," Tali inserted. The cat meowed and batted at Legion's optic again.
"Tali-Creator, we will not hurt this organic. Shepard-Commander, what is the purpose of this organic?"
Shepard paused. "Well, back on Earth they were used to control vermin."
One of Legion's plates raised quizzically, again reminding Shepard far too much of an eyebrow. "Then what is the current purpose of this organic?"
There was a short pause. "Opening extranet parameters. Pet. Any domesticated or tamed animal kept as a companion and cared for affectionately. This 'pet' is known as a 'feline.' Origin: Earth, Sol. Seeming use: Captivity, companionship." There was another short pause, and another raised plate. "Returning unusual results."
"Mrow." Bat. Legion jerked away from the paw.
"Unusual results? Like what?"
"The extranet is returning images of felines expressing emotional extremes or engaged in unusual activity accompanied by poorly worded, grammatically incorrect statements. Example: An image of a feline. Accompaniment, phrase: 'I a-r hiding. U k-ant c mee.'"
Neither Garrus nor Tali were certain what was the better part of the scene unfolding in front of them. On the one hand, Legion attempting to phonetically pronounce something they recognized as a purely human phenomenon was nearly off the scale of hilarity. On the other, Shepard seemed to have been taken fully off guard and was reacting as such. Giving up on trying to pick either option, both glanced at each other and started laughing.
"Begin date: approximately Earth date 2007. The most recent image is dated to Earth date 2184. This indicates survival of approximately 177 years."
"LOLCats have been around forever," Shepard said.
"Then what is the purpose of these Ell-Oh-Ell-Cats?" Legion pronounced each syllable perfectly, jerking his optic away from the cat again.
"Purpose? There . . . really isn't a purpose." Shepard glared at Garrus and Tali, which only encouraged a new wave of laughter. "It's 'entertainment.'"
"The term 'entertainment' places Ell-Oh-Ell Cats in the same category as organic art and music."
Shepard was at a loss. "I mean, some people juggle geese, some people commit mass murder, some people arrange Shakespeare for elcor, and other people stick grammatically incorrect, phonetically spelled phrases onto funny pictures of cats."
Legion paused, optic moving back to the cat he was holding. "We do not comprehend this organic concept of 'entertainment.' Further consensus is needed."
"Mwrow!" The cat batted again, this time firmly landing her paw on the side of Legion's optic. His arms stretched back out.
"Shepard-Commander! Assistance requested!"
Tali nearly fell out of her chair as Shepard calmly extracted the cat from Legion's hands. She scratched its head, prompting it to purr and bump its head against her hardsuit. "Go ahead and build your consensus. We'll give Liara's cat back and find out why she needed us."
"I think Gardner's running out of supplies again," Garrus said, sitting down with his tray. Shepard glanced up.
"This is the second time he's had to throw together Chef's Surprise," she answered. "Although I think I remember EDI rerouting power from food preservation when we were crashing on the Base."
Kasumi made a face, just visible under her hood. "Gross."
"Good thing we're heading to the Citadel. I'll give Gardner leave to go get what he needs. In fact . . ." Shepard made a face as she poked at the lump of paste on her plate. ". . . everyone could use some leave. And Jacob still owes me alcohol."
The slow, steady steps of a particular synthetic sounded, and Legion started by the end of the table. "Legion," Garrus said, mandibles tucking up in a grin. "Finished that consensus yet?"
The geth turned its optic towards the table. "We have reached consensus."
"And?" Shepard asked.
"We will never understand organic comedy." With that, Legion stalked into the AI core.
Shepard and Garrus glanced at each other and started laughing.