So, what happens to America when Jamie Oliver is not, in fact, Jamie, but Storm Shadow?

This idea spawned when I visited my family and discovered that my close four-year-old relative ate chicken nuggets for breakfast, lunch, and diner. That and hot dogs. I was utterly sickened and newly motivated to make a difference in the world. Storm agreed to be put into this un-canon story to help me with his (as well as my) goal: To save lives from obesity and untimely death.

Btw, Scarlett destroyed the sign with the disclaimer in her mad coffee-lacking rage. I do not own GI Joe or Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution.


"Oh, Lord. . ." Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes had just arrived in Huntington, West Virginia, the unhealthiest city in America. Nearly half of the adults are considered obese and children eat pizza for breakfast. These two were on a mission to change America, one city at a time. Hearing the statistics was one thing, but seeing the town was another. As the brothers drove past fast food restaurant after fast food restaurant, they were shocked at how hard their task was going to be.

Taking the job into small segments, the first thing they needed to do was inform the city about why they were here. While Snake Eyes turned a small strip mall store into a kitchen, Storm Shadow would go to the local radio station and explain why they were in Huntington. As he approached the door to the building of 93.7 the DAWG, Storm had a feeling of apprehension. This was not going to go well.


".. . And this is 93.7 the DAWG. Folks, this guy Tommy Arashikage is here in town, and he's on some kind of a mission, and we don't know what this mission exactly is, so he's here to explain it to us." Rod Willis, the radio announcer, told Huntington. "First off, why are you here in this town?"

"I'm here to start the biggest food revolution this country has ever seen," elucidated Storm Shadow. As he spoke, he noticed a slight grimace of distaste on the man's face. He knew then that this entire first encounter with the city was not going to end well. "Right now, this city is the unhealthiest city in America, and I am here to fix that."

"Why do you say that about us? I mean, there are other cities with the same problems as us."

"People here are dying younger than anywhere else. I want to raise the average life span," answered Storm.

"We don't want to sit around and eat lettuce all day." Rod was getting worked up, leaning into the microphone. Storm could tell that he disliked change.

"Would you rather die?"

"No, I just don't think you should come here and tell us what to do. I mean, who made you the food police chief?"

"If everyone had the same attitude as you—"

"Do you really think that people are going to listen to you?" interrupted Rod.

"You—"

"No, they're going to go right back to their old eating habits once you leave."

"Damn, you're negative."

"So you're saying that when you leave, everybody is going to be eating healthy?"

"That's the idea. I'm going to fix homes, schools, restaurants. . . My brother and I'll have a shop where people can come if they want to learn how to cook real food, not processed, additive-loaded, sodium-filled greasy crap. I suggest you come and I'll teach you how to make real food. And I'll use spinach, not lettuce," ranted Storm Shadow.

"We'll see how that turns out. Folks, Tommy Arashikage has been our guest this morning, now back to the music." Rod smirked at Storm, and Tommy had a barely controlled urge to snap the man's neck.


How did it go? Signed Snake Eyes back at the small strip mall shop.

"Not the way I expected. I thought there'd never be anyone as hard to get along with as Beach Head, but I think he's met his match," smirked Tommy.

Naw, Beach is healthier. Snake definitely had a grin behind the mask. He and Storm liked challenges.

Sorry if this is too non-canon, but I can't just ignore a great story idea. My brain would turn inside out and deep fry itself, and that would be a gruel punishment for not writing a story. (Kidding, kidding. . .)