For a Sick Boy
I have to stop this.
This is sick.
A voice shouts at me in my head; 'what are you doing, Len? Pull yourself together!'
J-just give me a second…
I feel better now.
D-don't look at me with those pitying eyes.
I'm telling the truth.
…Y-you don't believe me, do you?
I was never a very proficient liar. S-she was always better at that than me. S-she was better than me at a lot of things. But you know that, don't you?
How do you know that?
It doesn't matter.
I-I just lied to you.
I don't feel 'fine'.
I don't feel fine at all.
Don't ask me that- you know what's wrong.
You know a lot about me.
Oh, and by the way- you're a lousy liar, too.
Maybe we have something in common?
To tell you the truth…
I haven't been 'fine' in a long time.
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I sound too melodramatic there?
It's not an exaggeration.
I hate melodrama. Those teen novels filled with chagrin and despair are ridiculous; I can hardly keep my eyes in their sockets when I glance through those, they're rolling so much.
Miku loves those trashy, thrown-together-at-the-last-minute-with-minimum-effort-for-maximum-pay novels, though. I don't know why.
She's such an intelligent girl, too.
But the novels she reads are dreadful.
I firmly believe my mind would turn to syrup if I seriously sat myself down and tried to thumb through one of those books she's so obsessed about.
When I poke fun at Miku's interesting choice of literature she teases me in return (we're so close we can say anything to each other).
Miku says I'm too much of a 'pessimist'.
I prefer to think of myself as a 'realist' instead- but Miku always laughs when I say that. She says there's not much difference between the two.
Miku has a really pretty laugh.
Everything about Hatsune Miku is pretty, from her long turquoise hair to her soft smile. I would know this better than anyone. I spend a lot of time looking at her- n-not in a perverted way, though!
I'm not a pervert, okay?
You already knew that…?
I-I'm not as bad as the other boys in my class. They're always making lewd comments; saying heartless, thoughtless things.
I would never dream of doing that.
Apparently, I'm 'mature'.
I hear that word a lot.
Y-you think so too?
Something about my eyes?
That was a nice thing to say (even if you don't mean it), so maybe…
Maybe I'll tell you a secret.
Are you listening?
Sometimes I wish I was in love with Miku.
That would make my life easier.
That would make my life much, much easier.
Why can't I be in love with Miku?
She's been my best friend since childhood. I know it's kind of strange, being best friends with a girl, but I never thought there was anything weird about it.
It was probably because of my twin sister.
Because of her…
N-no, I'm okay.
Don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.
It's painful saying her name.
Rin is my identical twin. We look incredibly similar. It's eerie. We used to play pranks on our parents when we were younger; I would appropriate Rin's over-sized hair ribbons, and Rin would tie her hair in a ponytail, and we'd be indistinguishable.
But you know this, don't you?
You know… so very much about me…
This is sort of weird, you know?
Because I grew up with Rin, I never developed that 'all girls have cooties!' mentality a lot of young boys seem to get. I had a very bossy twin sister by my side, and she would slap me at the slightest sign of misogyny.
Even though four-year-old Rin didn't know what that word meant (I doubt many four-year-olds do), Rin hated it when the neighbourhood boys said things like 'girls can't climb trees' or 'girls can't play in the dirt.'
Rin took it upon herself to set those stupid boys right.
And she always took great, great care to ensure I didn't become one of those 'stupid boys' myself.
In some ways, I think Rin was more of a boy than me.
I always sat in my room, reading.
Rin was the brave one; the one who went for adventures in our back garden, and launched organised raids on the neighbourhood children she didn't like very much.
Rin would try to drag me along, too, but I demurred.
I was probably a boring child.
I became friends with Miku- and I didn't see a problem with it, even if my parents bit their lips and asked me to go and find some nice male friends to play with.
I didn't really want to be friends with the boys though.
I was much happier sitting with Miku, discussing mystery novels and drawing pictures.
I really wish…
I had fallen in love with Miku.
I-I love Miku- I love her with all my heart- but I'm not in love with her.
And it's sad- almost funny, really- because Miku's so very popular with the boys now, in high school. They all adore her.
All the boys.
Half my class is convinced Miku's in love with me. They ask me why I haven't made my move yet.
…I'm not planning to make a move, though.
And I never will.
Apparently, that makes me weird.
I was strange when I was a child because I was too close to Miku.
Now I'm strange when I'm sixteen because I'm not close enough to Miku.
How does that work, anyway?
Sometimes I dislike people and their warped logic; their pre-conceived notions of 'right' and 'wrong'.
Am I normal? Is this normal? What is 'normal'?
Does it matter?
…The answer is always yes.
Being accepted does matter.
It matters a lot for a weak person like me.
I'm no Kagamine Rin.
I'm not strong or brave.
Rin shines like a star.
In comparison, I'm dull.
I sit in class quietly, taking notes, doing my work- always getting good grades. But I move, ignored, through life, like mist or air; never seeming to leave much of an impression on anyone.
Rin is different.
Rin is bright and cheerful and unforgettable; so exuberant and bubbly she can bring a smile to anybody's face.
I move like a sheep with the rest of society- desperate to fit into the neat little box in everybody's mind that says 'normal'.
But, even though my grades in math and science are perfect (straight As all across), that is one thing I have yet to perfect.
It would have been easy to fall in love with Miku.
It would have been… so easy…
And I'm sure she would have loved me back.
But I'm not 'normal'.
Instead, I had to fall in love with the one person who was completely off bounds.
I'm sorry, this happens sometimes.
N-no, I don't want your sympathy.
You don't understand.
You say you do, but you don't.
You couldn't understand, unless you've been in this situation, too.
No, I'm not crying…
You already know, don't you?
Why are you making me say this?
I can see it your eyes.
Just like everybody else.
You say you want to help me, but I don't believe you.
You want me to admit I'm a monster…
So you can hate me.
I can't even correct you.
I can't even contradict you.
Because you're right.
You should hate me.
I want you to hate me.
Maybe then I'd feel less guilty.
A-although, if guilt worked like that- if guilt could truly be absolved with loathing- then I'd have paid my penance already.
Maybe I'd be innocent then.
But I'm not.
It's disgusting, isn't it?
I'm a despicable human being.
Because I didn't fall in love with Hatsune Miku.
T-the person I fell in love with…
T-the person that I still love, with all my heart…
It was never Miku.
It's always been her.
Her bright smiles.
Her cute ribbon.
Her loud personality.
It was always her.
I was always in love…
W-with Kagamine Rin.
My own sister.
a/n: So here's the deal with this.
I see a lot of Rin/Len fics that feature Rin (or Len) being all "teehee I'm love with my sibling, that's odd but whatever!~" and I don't feel they're very… accurate… to how somebody would really feel in that situation.
I mean, I know it's /fanfiction/, not real life, and people don't want to read about weird angsty stuff- in most cases, light, fluffy romance is more appreciated. And that's fine.
But I wanted to try and write something rather more disturbing featuring the Rin/Len pair- and I hope it's interesting ^_^``
This writing style feels really lazy and it kind of is lelele but whatever XDD;; It seems somewhat fitting.
If you like this fic, please tell me ^_^``