Poor Mort. After his autobiography was published, he was attacked by thousands of perfect, beautiful woman. All these woman, however, where the brainchildren of horny underage girls. So of course, none, and I repeat, none, of the relationships worked out.

So two-hundred and seventy five restraining orders later, he breathed a sigh of relief, checked on the bodies of his ex wife and her lover - I mean, checked on his corn, and got drunk for old times sake.

Little did he know, a werewolf by the name Jacob was crawling into his garden, hunting for the source of the corpse he could smell.

"JACOB!" Wailed his opponent, Edward, who has no relation to Twilight. "Come back! We aren't done fighting for Bella's heart!"

The two had gotten in a battle over Edward's girlfriend's corpse after the newborn vampires had killed her. Rather than waste food, they were playing tic-tac-toe to see who got the internal organs. This has no relation to Twilight, by the way.

Jacob, with his super-sonic, unrealistic, I mean, werewolf hearing, heard that. He shook his head and continued in search of the body. On the ground, two cornstalks had fallen over so they formed an X. Shrugging his shoulders the best a wolf can, Jacob quickly dug up a body.

Now, we all know soil erosion is a problem in America (and if you didn't you know now) because Americans are running out of everything. Except nuclear waste. We have plenty of that to dump in places like Brazil and Antarctica.

But back to the discovery of the bodies. Mort had only buried them five feet deep instead of the recommended six feet. Oh Mort, you should have listened to the advice of that guy on Yahoo answers. So thanks to soil erosion and ignorance, Jacob was busy munching on the only thing that could seriously screw up Mort's life if it was found.

The bodies of Ted and Amy.

Of course, their souls where in a movie called Corpse Bride - I mean, somewhere.

Never thought that movie would inspire me.