So, once again, I have ApollaCammi, Cait and Mollie to blame for this. Mostly Cait, because…well, monkey see, monkey do, so that makes me the Writermonkey in all this. XD Thanks for your epic feedback, m'dears. ^_^
This can either go with the rest of my canon, or be considered AU - I think it works both ways, so I don't really care. Basically, we all need a little angst once in a while, breakups happen, relationships hit valleys, and not everything is perfect…or extraordinary. There's actually a quote from the movie 'Hitch' that inspired the title:
Hitch: "What if fine isn't good enough? What if I want extraordinary?"
Sara: "…Doesn't exist."
I figured it was fitting, since it's one of Castle's favorite words and all. ;)
Anyway. This is FULL of angst, and it should be about four chapters long. Rating is high due to thematic elements. I abuse Esplanie because I love them. xD So without further ado, get a handful of tissues and enjoy.
It seemed to take years between when the light reached the window and when it finally reached Lanie's eyes. Sounds didn't come until another several years after that, not that there were many. Everything was coming in foggy. The aftereffects of that much alcohol left her trying to put together the pieces.
Last night…she didn't have a lot of specific memories to call back on. There had been a late night home from work…and tequila. A lot of tequila. After that, there wasn't much that stood out of the haze, except…she'd wanted him. Oh, she remembered that, all right. After a long-suffering hell of a week, she'd been desperate. She'd driven straight to her apartment, called him to meet her there with two bottles of the hardest alcohol he could find, and then it had taken them along. Feverish, fast and slow…
Forget last night. It was starting to register where she was now. She was lying on her side, the sheets were familiar and tangled, and something warm and heavy was draped across her waist. His arm, she realized. The next thing that sank in was the steady rhythm of his breath against the back of her neck.
Lanie should have felt relaxed. Physically, she did, other than the pounding hangover that'd taken up residence in her skull…but there was something else there. She brought up a hand to rub across her forehead, letting out a little groan as she tried to think of what wasn't right, here…
And then her eyes sprang open. It wasn't something there that was out of place. It was something that wasn't. Hadn't been.
"Oh, no…" How had she been stupid enough to overlook that? Throwing off Javier's arm, then the sheets, Lanie sat up no matter what it did to her headache and started hunting around the room, getting dressed as quickly and haphazardly as possible, cursing herself the whole way.
That was enough to cause her drinking partner to stir. When the bed shifted, Javier groaned as the outside world came back to him, trying to fry his brain in slow increments. By the time Lanie had found half of her clothing, he'd sat up, and she felt his eyes on her back.
She didn't turn around, her mouth set into a grim line. "We gotta get to work," she mumbled, snatching up her blouse from the carpet.
"Cari, if you're anything like I am right now, you can't even see straight. I'd call in before I'd trust scalpels and dead people 'bout now."
"We shouldn't have done a damn thing last night," she blurted, staring at the buttons she was trying to do up, her face growing hot.
His confusion was pretty palpable. Just like that, the mood change in the room was as evident for him as for her. "…Okay, maybe it wasn't the most mature idea, but, I'd say the result was - "
"Stupid. Reckless. Beyond." It was cover, all of it. Fear talking. In truth, it was the best she'd ever had. It wasn't all alcohol that'd blinded her. It was him. She'd let herself be blinded. She'd craved him, and now she was paying for it. It was all wrong. She had more resistance than that. Or was supposed to, anyway.
"I…I wouldn't call it stupid…reckless, maybe…"
Her stubbornness was too far gone with her, determined to block out anything he thought he had to say. "Oh no. It was both. I never would've expected this from you. How irresponsible can you even be?" She realized how angry she sounded; far angrier than she actually was at anyone but herself. She shook her head, buttoning her top button. "I can't believe you did that."
Hungover or not, this was not what he'd expected to hear. Javier's voice was suddenly a lot clearer, almost affronted. "Okay, you need to quit actin' like I raped you."
Lanie whipped around, eyes narrowed. "Don't even joke about that. I didn't say that."
"Well that's what it's soundin' like to me." She knew by his tone that it was suddenly too late to go back. This was an argument now. But a hell of a lot bigger. "Don't you act like you weren't willing," he lectured, reminding her of everything she just wanted to forget. "You practically dragged me in there. 'Don't stop, Javi, don't leave, Javi' - you 'member that? I backed off; I told you I didn't have anything with me. You damn well begged me to keep goin' anyway. What did you expect after that much alcohol?"
Was he mocking her now? Was that how this was going? Lanie glared him down. "You were less drunk than I was. You should've known better." Guess I forgot never to trust the guy with something that important. She was blaming him pretty unfairly, and she knew it. But it was the best she had.
"Well I'm sorry I'm not psychic, Lanie." Obviously he wasn't at his best, because there was a little derision in his tone that time, intended or not.
It only made her want to slap him across the face. "I can't believe you're so arrogant about this."
Javier laughed in disbelief, but there was zero humor in it. "Oh, I'm arrogant now," he challenged. "Right. What's the big deal, anyway? You're on the pill, right?"
The five words that formed a knot of dread in her stomach. Not saying anything, Lanie marched out of the room, walked to the couch, and rummaged through her purse. When she returned, storming back to find him standing and dressed from the waist down, she held up her empty box of birth control, a Post-It attached to the front. Right there for him to see for himself. "I was," she practically growled. "My prescription ran out three days ago. I've been waiting on my check to get another. You get it now? Or do I need to talk slower?"
"Hey," he commanded. That was enough, especially with having to absorb what she was saying. "Do not insult me. I'm your boyfriend, not your dog. You're freaked, I get it. Calm the hell down."
He had the nerve to tell her to 'calm down?' With the weight of what was happening here, he was just going to brush it off like that? Lanie fought the urge to punch him senseless, and as for reason - the same that said they were both hungover, hearing selectively - reason didn't enter into it anymore. "Don't talk to me. Don't look at me."
Javier balked instantly, stopping halfway through buttoning his shirt to stare at her. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"I'm glad you don't care," she started, and some self-loathing part of her knew that she was tearing everything down, doing damage that they'd all later regret. "I'm happy for you that you can create a mess like this and then roll your macho ass on home for everybody else to clean it up. Well that's fine for you, but me, I've got some pretty damn big concerns right about now."
"Would you listen to yourself?" Javier was far past exasperated, his eyes narrowed now. "We don't even know anything for sure."
Lanie barely heard the next words out of her mouth, but they happened, robotically, before she could think to take them back.
"I need to get ready for work. You need to get out."
The air seemed to still in the room. It fell over both of them, and Javier was the first to speak through it, reading what she meant all over her face. He was the detective, after all. The one feeling betrayal. And more than that. "...Are you endin' this right now?"
She couldn't look at him. She busied herself, gathering things for work, hoping no one could hear her heart falling through the earth. "I'll let you know if I want to see you again, Esposito."
There was a long silence, and then she heard the man she loved move to the door. "Fine. I'll let you know if I'm still around."
The slam might as well have been a gunshot.
So, yeah! I absolutely hope that this never actually happens. XD Intense. You'll have to stay tuned to see if this gets fixed or not. ;)
Interested in a written Castle RPG? Go check the bold paragraph in my profile. Info's there.
So! Thoughts? Opinions? I know you've got 'em! PLEASE be so kind as to review. I love to know that people out there are actually reading. 'Tis why I publish. ;) Thanks guys.