A/N: Just another spur-of-the-moment piece of FanFiction but this time, it's based off the stupid AI guards in what is probably the best RPG game in the world, 'The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion' (made by Bethesda). If you haven't played or aren't familiar with 'Oblivion', I suggest you don't read this as this is filled with references that only Oblivon players will understand.

If you've played the game, enjoy!


THE IMPERIAL GUARD HANDBOOK


Introduction:

We, the Imperial Guard, are an organization like no other in the Empire. We pride ourselves in the fact that our recruits are nothing less than the best, and are diligent in our duty of keeping the streets of the fabled Imperial City clear of "CRIMINAL SCUM", lawbreakers (whose robbing sprees are at an end), and the infamous Grey Fox.

As we are the Imperial Guard, we believe that the Imperial race is the only race properly suited for a job within our ranks, simply because being labelled as, for example, a Bosmer Imperial Guard sounds stupid. Being an Imperial recruited into Imperial Guard is a privilege, and any self-respecting Imperial Guard would do well to read this handbook to see if he or she is worthy of being a part of our virtuous organisation.

. . .

Requirements:

To be recruited into the Imperial Guard, you must meet each of the requirements below. As we must preserve our flawless image, our standards for recruitment are high- much higher than the standards of any other guard legion in the Empire- and only the very best will make the final cut.

Apart from being an Imperial, to be an Imperial Guard, you must meet the following requirements:

- You must not have any record of "CRIMINAL SCUM" activity in the past.

- You must have psychic powers in order to detect "CRIMINAL SCUM" from across the Empire.

- You must be willing and able to run for days across the Empire in full heavy armour in order to catch and apprehend "CRIMINAL SCUM".

- You must have the same catch phrases as all the other Imperial Guards, for example: "STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM".

- You must be determined enough to catch "CRIMINAL SCUM".

- You must be trained in handling weapons in order to stab that "CRIMINAL SCUM".

- You must have a strong immune system to your heal injuries quickly, so that you can be up and ready to catch more "CRIMINAL SCUM".

If you meet or exceed any of these requirements, you may become eligible for recruitment. After years of service, you may even become eligible for promotion.

Note: All recruitment officers must take the recruitment process seriously. If any "CRIMINAL SCUM" should accidentally join our ranks due to your carelessness, you will be used as target practice by your comrades.

. . .

Post-Recruitment Procedure:

After recruitment, you must never use your real name again. Only the guard captain and other select few guards will be able to keep and use their real names (for some reason). You will be assigned a new name to use, either 'Imperial Guard' or 'Generic Guard'.

Upon recruitment, you will immediately have your new uniform bestowed upon you but to fund the price of the uniform, you must hand in the rest of your clothes, save your bedclothes. Your other clothes will be sold.

You must move out of your residence immediately, and into the barracks. The barracks are comfortable and have all the commodities you need. Since we at the Imperial Legion greatly value camaraderie, you will share your quarters with every other recruit in the Legion, and most likely share a bed with one or two of them as well. This gives you a chance to get close to your comrades... literally.

A quick briefing from your commanding officer and some training should get you ready for patrol. Of course, you have to know who you should be keeping an extra eye on when out in the open...

. . .

Know Your Enemy:

Our organisation's duty is to protect innocent citizens, and strictly enforce the law in and around our glorious Imperial City, even if it comes down to the summary execution of trouble-makers. These trouble makers will stop at nothing to wreak havoc and mayhem in the city, and we must put a stop to it immediately. Imperial Guards do not mess around.

Here are the people and/or kinds of people you should keep an eye on:

"CRIMINAL SCUM": These lawbreakers violate the law in any way they can, ranging from petty theft to cold-blooded murder. Theft must not be tolerated at any costs, and any thieves must be pursued by the entire legion and put to death immediately. Murder is not acceptable and any murderers will have to pay the court a fine or serve their sentence... do not question the logicality of this procedure! Previous reports have stated that many of the "CRIMINAL SCUM" greatly resemble our heroic Champion of Cyrodiil, although the very thought of him committing these heinous crimes is absurd. Really, the Champion of Cyrodiil committing murder and theft? Preposterous!

The Grey Fox: The Grey Fox is wanted for... for all sorts of things! As of now, the Legion has no idea about his whereabouts, although one of our Imperial Watch captains, Hieronymus Lex, has graciously devoted his entire life to tracking down this low-life.

The Thieves Guild: Followers of the Grey Fox, they are nothing less than "CRIMINAL SCUM" who feel that it is perfectly acceptable to steal from innocent homeowners in the Imperial City. They congregate around the Waterfront District, where they wreck havoc in our glorious city. Although the members of the Thieves Guild are relatively unknown, we suspect that that many of the Waterfront residents are members, especially the Redguard, Armaund Christophe. Beggars are known as the "eyes and ears" of the Thieves Guild so, if you feel that you need information on any thieves, do not hesitate to beat the information out of the beggars.

The Dark Brotherhood: Possibly the Legion's most dangerous enemy, the Dark Brotherhood are a group of well-trained and highly dangerous assassins. They are known to wear black leather armour on contracts but unfortunately, they wear civilian clothes in public, making them hard to differentiate from innocent civilians. Be wary of them, though. The previous Legion commander, Adamus Phillida, decided that it was a good idea to openly announce his crackdown on the Dark Brotherhood. This inevitably led to his swift assassination, presumably by the Dark Brotherhood. Previous reports from some of Phillida's men have shown that a Dark Brotherhood member who looked exactly like the Champion of Cyrodiil had been spotted on numerous occasions. These reports are obviously false as it is obvious that the Champion would never stoop so low as to join the Dark Brotherhood. Never.

. . .

To Arrest Or Not To Arrest?:

As a member of the Imperial Guard, your main duty is to protect the Empire and its citizens from "CRIMINAL SCUM". Occasionally, a citizen may claim to be the victim of the antics of a"CRIMINAL SCUM" and, using the innate psychic powers that all enlisted Imperial Guards possess, you will be able to detect a distressed citizen and make haste to the scene. Most of the time, the alleged "CRIMINAL SCUM" will still be there (if the alleged "CRIMINAL SCUM" is not there, simply use your psychic powers to track him or her down) and you must be able to deal with the situation. Standard protocol when dealing with "CRIMINAL SCUM" is as follows:

Breaking and entering: If you have witnessed the "CRIMINAL SCUM" using a picklock in order to open a locked door, or if the victim claims trespassing, then you must attempt arrest. Likewise, if the victim has magically locked his or her door while a non-resident is still inside, this is still considered trespassing and you must still attempt arrest.

Theft: If you have witnessed the "CRIMINAL SCUM" stealing an object, or if the victim claims theft, then you must attempt arrest. Picking up objects when they have fallen on the ground is still considered theft and you must attempt arrest (DO NOT QUESTION THIS!).

Assault: If you have witnessed the "CRIMINAL SCUM" assaulting a citizen, or if the victim claims assault, then you must attempt arrest. If the "CRIMINAL SCUM" accidentally hits the victim, then it is still considered assault and you must still attempt arrest.

Murder: If you have witnessed the "CRIMINAL SCUM" murdering a citizen, or if the victim claims assault, then you must attempt arrest. Murder does not apply to citizens only, but to horses and household pets as well, regardless of whether or not they belonged to the "CRIMINAL SCUM". Killing in self-defense is still considered as murder (DO NOT QUESTION THIS!) and you must still attempt arrest.

If you have not noticed, all alleged crimes require you to arrest the "CRIMINAL SCUM" in question. If the "CRIMINAL SCUM" does not cooperate, then use your innate psychic powers to call for reinforcements and make the "CRIMINAL SCUM" pay with their blood!


A/N: We at the Imperial Guard hope you enjoyed reading this guide. We kindly request that you do your duty as a law-abiding citizen of the Empire and leave a review if you can. Each review you leave will help fund our our virtuous organisation, and also help us catch more lawbreakers (whose robbing sprees are at an end) and "CRIMINAL SCUM".