Conversations With a Chicken
Mr. Feathers squawked, ruffling his tie and his feathers. Vermbridge glared at it. "SHUT UP, STUPID BIRD!"
"It's not stupid," Aimy whimpered from her position in the corner.
Hugo just wondered how the heck he got stuck there.
Oh, wait, that was not where the story begun- might as well rewind a bit, yes?
Once upon a time in a small school named Hogwarts there lived a tiny boy with a scruff of red hair. He was called Hugo, at least by the normal people who didn't try to make up weird nicknames for him like Hugs or Hugey. Those, in his opinion, made him sound like a child's stuffed play toy, which he was not.
But, even though he was tiny, people thought it was amusing to call him Huge-o. Like it was supposed to be an oxymoron or something of the like. His sister, Rose, especially liked to call him that, but she was just annoying.
Nothing really interesting happened in his life until he was about fifteen. Sure, he went to wizarding school, but didn't every normal wizarding child? Sure, he was sorted into Hufflepuff, but as his family said, that made him boring. Because what did Hufflepuffs ever do for Hogwarts other than die? Cedric died, Tonks died… but in his opinion, Gryffindors as war heroes were even more boring.
Well, everything went the way it was supposed to for a while like that- school, vacation, school- until he turned fifteen. That was when he discovered the Room of Requirement.
All of his friends and cousins had discovered the Room of Requirement when doing, ahem, certain other 'activities'. But Hugo, he was the innocent little boy that didn't partake in any such activities. So he had no idea that the room even existed.
That was, until one day, when Gemini Malfoy was annoying him even worse than usual and he just needed a place to escape. Pacing up and down a random hall, he thought, "I wish I could go to another world, where things are different!"
Suddenly, a door appeared before him, and without a second thought, he went in.
Swirls appeared before his eyes, he began to feel a bit lightheaded- and poof, he was gone.
When he opened his eyes, he saw blonde and nearly freaked out. "Dominique?"
"Who's Dominique?" came a giggling voice. "No, I'm the Evil Giggler!"
"Aimy, that's no way to introduce yourself!" Another girl walked over, crossing her arms. "I'm sorry, this is Aimy, and she's a bit crazy. I'm Evil!Kriti. Who are you, and how did you get here?"
"I'm Hugo," Hugo rubbed his temples. "Um, where am I? I just walked through a door and somehow ended up here…"
"Here, as in the Most Amy-zhie-ing Dwelling," A third voice joined in. A girl crossed her arms. "Also known as Mad, just like me."
"NO!" A fourth voice joined the yelling. "You're Madling, and it's not called M.A.D., it's called Very Evil Residence or VER! I'm Vermbridge, the leader, by the way," She said, turning to Hugo.
"What about An Imaginative Mumbling Yam?" Aimy voiced dreamily. Everyone turned to look at her with a face that indicated that they were confused.
"Anyway, Hugo," Vermbridge scowled at him.
"Wait, your name is Vermbridge?" Hugo finally spoke up. "Like Umbridge…?"
"NO!" Vermbridge shrieked. "I am far more evil that Umbridge could ever dream of being! Anyway, what I was going to say before I was rudely interrupted is that we don't exactly need any more sidekicks at the moment. Madling and Evil!Kriti have that covered. So, if you'd be kind enough, Aimy could use some help…."
Aimy's eyes lit up and she clapped. "He can help with Mr. Feathers!"
"I suppose he can," Vermbridge said with a nod.
"Wait," Hugo broke in again. "Who's Mr. Feathers?"
"STOP INTERRUPTING ME," Vembridge roared. "Do you want us to force-feed you the evil cookies?"
From beside Hugo, Aimy bit her lip. "But the evil cookies taste good!"
The one who was apparently named Madling nudged Aimy. "You're not helping."
"Sorry," Hugo shrugged, ignoring the commotion and the childish girl. "But who's Mr. Feathers?"
Grinning, Aimy's eyes lit up. "He's only the most evilly adorable chicken ever! Come with me, and I'll show you." She grabbed his hand and began to drag him off.
Evil!Kriti rolled her eyes. "Go ahead then, Hugo, we'll still be here making the evil cake. Maybe we'll let you taste a bite, if you want."
Hugo just nodded, staring at the ground. He didn't know how to tell a group of evil people that he didn't want to try a bite of their evil cake because it sounded awfully scary to him. Instead, he just bowed his head, nodded, and dashed after Aimy.
Beaming, Aimy turned to him. "Oh, hello there, Hugo! Are you going to become evil too?"
"Evil?" Hugo blinked. "I'm the son of a war hero… two war heroes… and I'm a Hufflepuff."
"Oh, I'm a Hufflepuff too!" Aimy gushed, staring at him like he was the most perfect thing ever. "But I got drug here by Vembridge and her evil cooking minions and forcefed evil cookies! Then I started giggling evilly, and they didn't really like that, so I just gave in. But all I ever do is mess things up for them; I can't see why they would want me around anyway!"
"I'm sure that's not true," Hugo said in his usual comforting Hufflepuff way.
Giggling, Aimy informed him, "They tried to bake me once!"
"They tried to bake you?"Hugo's eyes widened in horror. "As in, put you in a pan and bake you?"
"They did," Aimy confirmed. "But even though I wanted to be baked, they wouldn't bake me! Isn't that unkind?"
"Really, um, unkind," Hugo just stared at the ground. "You wanted to baked?"
But it was then that they arrived at a row of cages. Every chicken down the row looked the same to Hugo, but Aimy seemed to know what she was doing. In a flurry, she dashed over to a cage and let out a chicken. "MR. FEATHERS!"
Taking a look at the chicken, Hugo had to admit that he didn't see anything special about it. It was just a white chicken with abnormally large eyes and a nice-looking beak. But Aimy obviously cared about the chicken a lot. Quickly, she reached into her pocket and grabbed a tie, tying it around his neck. She then picked up the chicken. "Hugo, this is Mr. Feathers!"
"Squawk," Mr. Feathers squawked.
"Mr. Feathers and I are in love," Aimy proclaimed, wrapping her arms tightly around the chicken, who looked as if he was about to be suffocated.
"Um, has Mr. Feathers agreed to this?" Hugo asked, cocking an eyebrow.
Aimy tilted her head down like she was listening to the chicken speak. After a second, she picked her head back up, her eyes glittering. "Mr. Feathers says that he loves me too!"
"Okay," Hugo replied slowly, staring at the chicken.
Aimy's eyes lit up. "I wonder what happens if you kick a chicken!"
"Um, Aimy," Hugo said nervously, "That's not really a good idea…"
"Why not?" Aimy demanded, clutching the chicken tighter to her. "He loves me! I've done it to him before and yet he still comes back to me!"
Mr. Feathers squawked nervously. "Squawk."
"It's okay," Aimy comforted the chicken. "No one understands our relationship, Mr. Feathers."
Hugo cocked an eyebrow, but otherwise didn't remark on the weirdness of the situation. "Aimy, don't kick the chicken, please?"
"AIMY!" burst an evil sounding voice from the connecting room. "WE NEED YOU TO DO ANOTHER POINTLESS JOB TO HELP WITH OUR EVIL PLOT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!"
Sighing, Aimy dropped Mr. Feathers to the ground. With a pointed look at Hugo, she said, "You will keep Mr. Feathers company, won't you?"
"I suppose," Hugo blinked rapidly, staring down at the chicken. But it was too late, Aimy left with a wave and skipped off to the kitchens. Surprised, Hugo stared down at the chicken. Slowly, he began to speak. "Hello, there, my name is Hugo."
"Squawk," Mr. Feathers replied.
"Your name is Squawk, is that it?" Hugo asked carefully.
Mr. Feathers shook his head rapidly. "SQUAWK."
"Guess it's not then," Hugo answered simply, staring at him. "Can you do magic?"He drew his own wand from his pocket, gazing at it in wonder before showing it to the chicken.
The chicken stared at him as if he were the crazy one. "Squawk."
"Has anyone told you'd be a good lawyer?" Hugo said absently, staring down the chicken. "All you have to do is squawk all the time and you'll win every case."
"Squawk," The chicken said with an approving nod, lifting up one of his feet to show his tie. On his nametag which was precisely placed at the tip was Mr. Feathers, Chicken Lawyer, probably scrawled in Aimy's handwriting.
"Oh," A dumbfounded Hugo replied. "You are a lawyer, I might've guessed."
"Squawk," Mr. Feathers nodded, looking like if he didn't have a beak he would've been smirking.
"So, bird, what's going on in your life?" Hugo asked it, feeling entirely weird. He was talking to a chicken, I mean, honestly- that had to be a sign of insanity. But unlike most of his family, the bird seemed willing to listen, so why not?
"Squawk," Mr. Feathers replied in a passive tone, as if he was trying to imply that there was nothing much. "Squawk?"
"Eh, just school and all," Hugo shrugged. "That is, until I sort of got transported here. Well, yeah, I came here, met Aimy- who is sort of pretty, even though she's pretty much insane- and Madling and Vermbridge and Evil!Kriti. How do you put up with them all of the time? They're all a bit insane. Anyway, do you think they'll let me out of here soon? Because I don't think I can stay here with the group of evil people here forever. I have to go back to my school sometime, didn't you know?"
"Squawk!" Mr. Feathers protested. Hugo had the feeling that he would like someone normal around.
"I would kidnap you, if only I wasn't scared of being killed by Aimy," Hugo whispered secretly with a grin to the chicken. "Don't worry, I assure you that you'll be set free someday."
"Squawk," Mr. Feathers replied appreciatively.
"No problem," Hugo replied, petting the chicken's feathers.
"HUGO!" An evil voice called. "You're needed in the kitchen!"
"Got to go," Hugo said with a sigh. "See you later, Mr. Feathers."
"Squawk!" Mr. Feathers called after Hugo.
(in the kitchen)
Vermbridge commanded the kitchen with her presence. Crossing her arms, she said, "Hello, minions."
"Hello!" Evil!Kriti and Madling replied chirpily, matching grins upon their faces.
"Um, hello?" Hugo offered.
"Hey, Vermy!" Aimy called from her corner, giggling like a maniac.
Pointedly, Vermbridge ignored her, instead turning to the rest of them. "So, I was reading up on Evil Cooks Daily, and apparently, the new specialty is chicken. Chickens can help to increase brainpower and all. Especially," her evil smile widened, "EVIL chickens."
Madling and Evil!Kriti gasped. Aimy just blinked obliviously. "So?"
"So?" Vermbridge demanded. "SO, we need that awful chicken of yours! Go fetch it!"
"He's not awful," Aimy's lip wobbled, but she dashed off to get the chicken anyway, obviously not foreseeing what would happen to her poor chicken.
Frozen in place, Hugo didn't know what to do. He couldn't let his new best friend get cooked by these evil cooks. Finally, he decided to grab the Gryffindor genes that were within him, summon up his courage and speak up. "You can't eat Mr. Feathers!"
"Oh, but I can," Vermbridge raised her evil eyebrow.
"Who are you to go against us?" Evil!Kriti glared at him.
Only Madling sat there, biting her lip nervously. Finally, she glanced up. "Don't eat Mr. Feathers."
"WHAT?" Vermbridge roared.
"Don't eat Mr. Feathers," Madling repeated.
Hugo could hardly believe his ears. One of the minions of Vermbridge, one of the highly respected ones, was taking his side and sticking up for Mr. Feathers. He shot her a grateful smile but she just rolled her eyes at him.
It was then that Aimy returned cheerfully with Mr. Feathers. Dropping him to the ground, she sang, "Here he is! Do I get a reward or something?"
"Yes, you do," Vermbridge cackled evilly. "You get a slice of Evil Chicken Pot Pie!"
"WHAT?" Aimy's eyes brimmed over with tears. She frowned. "You can't cook Mr. Feathers!"
"What, is everyone going to betray me?" Vermbridge scowled. "Are you going to betray me, Evil!Kriti?"
Frowning, Evil!Kriti glanced from Vermbridge to the clump of Aimy, Madling, and Hugo, along with Mr. Feathers. Finally, she just shrugged, joining the clump. "Sure, why not? Traitors are cool!"
"EVERYONE'S BETRAYING ME," Vermbridge sobbed, collapsing onto the floor in a heap.
Everyone else began to dance. Hugo didn't know what was going on, but shrugging, he began to dance too. This prompted an impromptu dance party, complete with Mr. Feathers dancing on his tiny little claws. Vermbridge just sat in the corner and wondered what went wrong.
"Anyone want some evil cake?" Madling offered, taking out the cake and slicing it into pieces. Quickly, everyone rushed over to the cake, claiming pieces.
Hugo nervously lifted the fork to his mouth and slipped the piece of cake into his mouth. The weird thing about it was that it didn't taste evil. It tasted delicious, actually, and Hugo quickly found that he wanted more.
Across from him, Aimy was shoving cake into her mouth, splaying it all over her face. The other two minions- Madling and Evil!Kriti- just watched her with disgust.
Hugo chuckled, finally used to Aimy's insane antics. "Aimy, you've got a little something on your face."
She just laughed. "Oh, do I?"
Madling, who seemed awfully kind today, cut a piece of cake and offered it to the glowering Vermbridge. "Would you like a piece of cake, Vermbridge?"
"Vermy!" Aimy objected.
Sighing, Vermbridge pushed herself to her feet and examined the piece of cake. "I suppose I will then." Slowly, she walked over, took the cake, and sat down, still pouting.
Finally, the part of the story that we began with.
Hugo was sitting with the rest of the 'heroes': Evil!Kriti, Aimy, Madling, and of course, the still living Mr. Feathers. Vermbridge was sitting in a corner, still sulking. Absentmindedly, Aimy was dressing the chiken to look like a lawyer, giving it a tie, shirt with a collar, and the whole thing.
Mr. Feathers squawked, ruffling his entire outfit.
Vermbridge glared over at it. "SHUT UP, STUPID BIRD!"
"It's not stupid," Aimy whimpered from her position near the corner.
Laughing, Hugo had to wonder how he got stuck there. He remembered going into the room, but still, he had no idea how to get back.
"It is stupid," Vermbridge hissed back, placing her head in her hands. "I don't know how you all could betray me for that stupid chicken."
Not looking too pleased, Mr. Feathers squawked and flew weakly over toward Vermbridge, attacking her with his claws. Vermbridge screamed. "GET OFF OF ME!" When it finally flew away, Vermbridge said, "Fine, I give up. Can I just have some cake?"
Using his magical powers, Hugo levitated it over to Vermbridge. Aimy stared at him in amazement and clapped. "That's so cool!"
Hugo grinned over at her. "Thanks, Aimy."
"Aiiimy," Aimy corrected him with a scowl. "It has three I's. Aiiimy."
"It sounds the same," Hugo said in shock. "Aimy, Aiiimy. Same difference."
"No, it doesn't," Aimy protested. "Aimy, Aiiimy. See, there's a longer i sound!"
"That's amazing, Aiiimy," He replied with a roll of his eyes.
"It's not amazing," Aimy informed him, putting a hand stubbornly on her hip. "It's aimy-zing."
"Fine, that's aimy-zing, Aiiimy," Hugo scowled at her, not in the mood to fight or anything.
Mr. Feather jumped in. "Squawk!"
"Aw, thank you, Mr. Feathers," Aimy leaned over and petted the chicken.
Madling returned just then, holding something in her hands. "WHO WANTS SOME SOMEWHAT SAUCE? IT'S QUITE SO-SO, IN MY OPINION!"
"YAY!" Everyone cheered, scrambling to get the Somewhat Sauce. Hugo reluctantly lugged behind, determined to get some Somewhat Sauce to see what the heck it was but still not really caring all that much.
That was when he discovered that maybe this world was too much fun to leave. It was then that he realised he had to get back as soon as possible.
"You're going back?" Aimy's eyes shone with unshed tears. Mr. Feathers squawked in protest.
"Yeah, I am," Hugo confirmed with a frown. Turning to the chicken, Hugo petted its head. "I'm sorry to leave you with all of this insanity, Mr. Feathers, but I have to go back to my friends and family sometime."
"TAKE SOME EVIL COOKIES," Madling yelled, handing him a platter.
"Corrupt all of your friends," Evil!Kriti added with a smile.
"TAKE OVER THE WORLD!" Vermbridge shrieked from her place in the corner.
"Um, yeah," Hugo rolled his eyes. "I'll see you all sometime again, yes? I think I might know how to get here now."
"BYE!" Aimy shrieked, launching herself at him and wrapping her arms around him. He laughed and hugged the insane girl back.
"Squawk!" Mr. Feathers protested.
Aimy scooped up the chicken. "Silly chicken, you can't go with him! Then I'd be here all alone with these plotters!"
"Hey!" Madling and Evil!Kriti protested.
"Bye, everyone," Hugo said with a wave. Quickly, he began to think in his mind, I wish I was back at Hogwarts. I wish I was back at Hogwarts. He felt himself begin to disappear….
Then, he was lying on the floor of a room that he didn't recognize. He leapt to his feet to discover that he was completely as he had been before. Was it all a dream? He wondered.
Then he spotted the platter on the ground and a single feather. Clutching them in his hands, he knew he could return whenever he wanted to.
Because after all, he could never leave Mr. Feathers.
A/N: Well, there you have it.
THIS IS A CRACK!FIC AND IS MEANT SOLELY FOR ENTERTAINMENT. IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD.
It is also for my aimy-zhie-ing friend Aimy (Aiiimy), who has a birthday coming up. HAPPY (VERY) EARLY BIRTHDAY, AIMY! ;D
And I don't own Harry Potter, Hugo, Vermbridge (courtesy of the terrific Verity, bookwormofmassiveproportions), Evil!Kriti (courtesy of the great Kriti!), or Mr. Feathers (made up by Aimy).
PLEASE REVIEW AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THOUGHT OF THE INSANITY.