Hermione the Pig

See, this story starts at The Beginning. At the beginning, before Hermione met Harry and Ron, she was a pig. Not a gross human or something like that, but a real, pink pig. She said "Oink, oink" all day, and ate worms. She liked to roll around in mud.

One day her owner came to cut her up, but Hermione was a fighter. She would not die, so they had a fight-to-the-death. Hermione showed off some of her awesome king penguin. In the end Hermione was smart and poisoned him through his armpits, and he died, so she won. But before that her owner had cut her, and she bleed like was she a blood fountain. The blood mixed with the mud, and Hermione became a mudblood.

She felt so ashamed over being human, but there was nothing she could do. So she made sure she was better than all of the other humans, by knowing even more about the humans and their world than even they did. It wasn't hard, she had kept her pig brain and pigs were smart.

One day she accidently changed 2 stones into 2 parents, and the next day she got her Hogwarts letter, which was a letter to a school for mudbloods, purebloods and halfbloods.

Now we have come to The Middle of this story. Go read the Harry Potter books 1-7 by J.K. Rowling (minus the epilogue).

Well, you know what happened = Ron + Hermione. I will now tell you why it became those two, since a lot of people have thought it would be much more natural for Hermione to pick the git Draco Malfoy. I see your point. Ron and Draco are both gits, so why didn't Hermione chose the Slytherin git instead of the Gryffindor git?

I will explain this big qoatstion of life now. It was because Ron was the biggest pig of the two, and Hermione obviously couldn't really fall for a guy unless he was more or less of a pig. I mean, imagine you falling for a llama? Okay I guess you could if it was Voldemort the Llama… But that's an entirely different story (shout out to nony0mous here!). And if you can't see why Ron is a pig, you need to see him eat. Or just look under his bed, the frogs and the mice will tell the story.

But then Ron became a cow, and that ended the relationship. One of the reasons was that cows and pigs have always had a big war between them, cows getting help from snorkacks and pigs getting help from nargels. The goats had never taken part in the war, and called themselves Switcher land. Moving on.

Since Ron was no longer there and Hermione had awesome and cool magic powers (it also helped that she was already a pig animagus) she decided she wanted to be a pig again. There was just one problem, or actually 2. She didn't know what to do with their 2 kids. So she made 3 plans of what to do.

The S.P.E.W. Plan

Also known as the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare Plan.

The plan went something like this: Since everybody thought it was okay to have House-elves do so much work without getting paid, Hermione would let her children live as house-elves. She would get them a job at Hogwarts so she could be sure they weren't completely mistreated. That way she would be free to leave, and at the same time she would do something for the house-elves. She knew that humans at least cared about each other, so soon everybody would be fussing about 'those poor children who had to earn their own living'. She would make sure however, that no one would be able to take her kids out of work before an actual law against slavery would be made, a law which would have to include house-elves.

By that time that law would be finished her children would be grown up and ready to take care of themselves. She knew this because humans were really superficial, and she was super smart.

The A.R.S.E. Plan

Also known as the Awesome Relatives Scars Escape Plan.

This second plan required a little more planning and a lot more work. The plan went like this: Hermione would smuggle one of the prisoners of Azkaban out, and force them to fake murder her. She would then make fake scars (using never fading magical paint) on their foreheads, and just to be a little creative, shaped them as goats. Because even Hermione thought goats were goatilicious. Then she would leave the kids on Harry and Ginny's doorstep. Irony is a bitch (or a cow, like Pansy Parkinson).

The F.U.C.K. Plan

Also known as the Fanon Universe Cows Kicked out Plan, or even the D.U.C.K. Plan which stands for Dream Universe Created by Kneazels.

The last plan was to travel to an alternative universe and/or time zone where she didn't have any kids. Preferably entirely populated by pigs, and with house-elves welfare.

But after Hermione had come up with these 3 plans, Luna discovered them and decided she wanted to make her own plans as well.

Luna's Plan

Luna's Plan also known as the Plan.

Leave the kids to Ron.

A Very Potter Plan

Also known as AVPP.

Sing about how you feel (you could even make a musical).

George discovered what Luna was doing, and helped her with the last of her plans.

The Plans of All Plans About How To Achieve It All Without Losing Both Your Soul And Your Nose And Maybe Even Your Pretty Necklace And Your Pet Snake

Also known as The Goatsome Plan.

They wouldn't show the last plan to Hermione though as they were afraid she would go all crazy next villain on them also known as 'The Big Bat Guy Slash Girl' if she got her fingers on such a powerful weapon. Later this plan was stolen. See epilogue p. 2 to know more.

One of the plans worked and Hermione could live happily ever after as a pig. Until Ron got eaten, Harry bought his meat, they all ate Ron's meat, and he came back as a ghost and Luna and George cursed Hermione and the rest to be cows for the rest of their lives. But you can read all of that in the 'Ron the Cow' story.

The Dirty Bit

It was the time of her life as Hermione slowly floated through the air, her little pink legs and hooves sticking out and her many pig boobs jumping everywhere, while she pulled out the shriek she was making, as much as she could: "Ooooooiiiiiinnnnnnnkkk" With a bang her hooves hit the ground and the mud splashed out to all sides.


At some point Hermione got lonely and married Dudley who was even more of a pig than Ron had ever been. Especially when Dudley's old tale grew out again. They lived happily ever after. Until Hermione became a cow and then killed herself in shame.

Epilogue p. 2

Dudley then became extremely depressed and angry and became the next 'The Big Bat Guy Slash Girl', should J.K. Rowling ever decide to make a sequel or a squeakquel. To become this he stole Luna and George's plan: The Plans of All Plans About How To Achieve It All Without Losing Both Your Soul And Your Nose And Maybe Even Your Pretty Necklace And Your Pet Snake