(This is basically the relationship that me and my friend have with each other. (She's very abusive… :'(. She hits me…) I love her anyways though. So… L.S., you probably wont read this but this is for you. Even though you're leaving me next year. Damn you… who am I supposed to bitch to now? (I'll forgive you if you find me a nice college person who's willing to date a slightly desperate high school girl, though…)

WARNINGS: Implied SB/RL, and implied past LE/SS, and bitchy best friends.)

A good friend wonders about your romantic history.

"Hey Lily," Mary MacDonald sat across from Lily in the library. "Is it true you kissed Frank? Is that why Alice isn't speaking to you?"

Lily shrugged, and continued to study.

A best friend could blackmail you with it.

"Lillian Rose Evens! If you don't go to Hagrid right now and admit that you were the one who smashed all of his pumpkins and not Peter, then I will tell James that you snogged Severus Snape last New Years Eve." Remus glared at his friend. "You know I'll do it."

Lily scowled back, weighing her options. Then she sighed. "Fine, I'll tell him."

Remus smirked as Lily stalked over to where the Keeper of the Keys was mourning the tragic deaths of his beloved, prize-winning pumpkins.


A good friend helps you up when you fall.

Remus smiled shakily at the bottom of the stairs. "Thanks…"

"No problem." James grabbed Remus' hand and hoisted to his feet. "Just be more careful next time, yeah? You already spend way too much time in the Hospital Wing." James grinned happily and walked away.

A best friend keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?"

Remus watched James walk away, before turning around. He took a step forward and his face collided with a solid oak door. Falling to the floor, Remus clutched at his poor bruised and slightly larger than average nose. "Oww…"

Lily Evens chose this moment to walk past. "Walk much, Dumb Ass?" She smirked, and didn't notice the Tripping Hex that Remus shot at her feet.


A good friend helps you find your prince.

James scribbled furiously on a spare piece of parchment. "… And then I'll go up to him and ask him what he like in a guy, and then I'll tell you everything of course, and we can begin your AMAZING transformation into the worlds sexiest werewolf!"

A best friend kidnaps him and brings him to you.

Remus grimaced and shook his head slightly. "Prongs, I don't think that-"

"Remus!" Both Remus and James spun around, and gaped as Lily Evens came stomping through the Portrait hole dragging one Sirius Orion Black, who was unconscious, bound and gagged, behind her. She dumped Sirius on the floor at Remus' feet. "You owe me."


A good friend will ask you if you're okay when you're crying.

How could he do this to her? They had been friends since they were both ten. When they had gotten to Hogwarts they had stayed friends, even though they had been sorted into different Houses. And then he had called her… that name. Lily was broken hearted.

"L-Lily?" Lily looked up and smiled shakily at Mary MacDonald. "Lily, are you okay?"

"Y-yeah… I'm fine." Lily wiped her eyes. "Did you need something?"

"Yeah. Severus Snape is waiting outside for you. He says he wont leave until he talks to you."

A best friend will hand you a Kleenex and ask you "Who do I have to kill?"

When Lily came staggering back through the Portrait Hole, her face was red and splotchy and tears ran all down her face. She immediately ran into the arms of the one person who could make her feel better.

Remus held a handkerchief to Lily's nose and told her to blow. Then he hugged her tightly. "Okay, who do I have to kill?"

Lily laughed and dissolved into tears.


A good friend will offer you a soda.

"It's sooooo hot…" Remus moaned. It was boiling out and he was thirsty. Very thirsty. Very, very thirsty. Very, very, very thirsty. Veryveryveryveryveryveryvery-

"Moony! You're sweating like a pig. Want some Butterbeer?"

Remus eagerly snatched the nice, icy cold, creamy drink from James' hand and started to gulp it down eagerly.

A best friend will dump theirs on you.

Seconds later something sticky and cold completely soaked Remus and he shuddered in disgust as he wiped Butterbeer from his eyes. Once they were free he glared at Lily. She laughed.

"I thought you said that you were hot!"


A good friend will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month.

It was very hot and muggy out, and Lily was just dying for a swim. But that, unfortunately, was not an option. Lily was on her period, (damn you Mother Nature…) and she wasn't about to go broadcast that fact to the whole school. She glared at the happy people playing in the Black Lake. Stupid 'Not on Period People… way to rub it in…

"Hey, Lily! Why aren't you swimming with everyone else?"

Lily grimaced at her friend Mary MacDonald. "I'm on my period…"

Mary made a sympathetic face, sat down next to Lily, and started to bitch about the unfairness of the Woman's Body.

A best friend will push you in and throw you a tampon.

"Why aren't you swimming?" The sun was suddenly blocked out, and Lily looked up to see Remus standing above her. He was wearing on of Sirius Black's infamous wife beaters and a pair of Sirius' boxers. (There was just no way that Remus would own a pair of Quidditch Beater themed boxers…) Remus was completely soaked, and it was obvious that he had just come out of the water.

"You're dripping on me." Lily said peevishly. Remus ignored her.

"Why aren't you swimming?" He repeated. "Is it your time of the month or something?" Remus' voice was obnoxiously loud.

Lily nodded. "Yes it is. And I would greatly appreciate it if you wouldn't shout."

Remus stared at Lily for a moment, and then did something decidedly Un-Remus like. He quickly lifted her over his shoulder and carried her kicking and screaming into the lake. He tossed her into the water and walked away. Moments later he returned and threw something about for inches long, white, and distinctly cylinder and feminine at Lily's face.


A good friend gives you their umbrella when it rains.

Remus ran as fast as he could through the pouring rain. Which wasn't very fast at all… mud sucked in his shoes, and Remus had to curl his toes to keep them on his feet. He miserably struggled through the miserable mud, and the miserable rain. He was a very miserable person…

"Moony!" Remus turned around, and smiled as he saw James running towards him from the direction of the castle with a hot pink umbrella. "I saw you on the map. What are you doing out here?" Remus opened his mouth to answer, but James waved his hand. "Never mind. Lets go back to the castle. I've only been out here for two minutes and I'm already freezing my balls off." He handed Remus the vividly colored umbrella, which Remus took gratefully.

A best friend takes yours and says, "Run, Bitch, run!"

Remus and James had just started to make their way back to the castle when a crimson streak sprinted past them, snatching the umbrella from Remus' hand.

Lily was a good ten feet away before she turned around. "WHY ARE YOU STILL STANDING THERE? RUN, BITCH! RUN!"


A good friend will help you move furniture.

Lily grunted as she attempted to shift her bed a way from the wall. She had just dropped her Transfiguration essay down the crack between her bed and the wall and she had to get it out. Lily didn't want to have to do the whole thing over again.

Mary chose this moment to walk into the Dormitory. She noticed Lily's struggles, and wordlessly began to help her move the bed, which had no business being that heavy.

A best friend will help you move the bodies.

Lily was panicking. She needed help. She ran through the school looking for Remus Lupin, and when she found him she nearly sobbed with relief.

"Rem, I need your help." She dragged Remus away from where he was cuddling on a loveseat with Sirius Black. She pulled him through the castle by his arm.

"Lils, where are you taking me?" Remus was very close to whining. It is an unwritten rule that dragging one away from their boyfriend is punishable by public humiliation. It wasn't like Lily to risk public humiliation, nor was it like Remus to enforce public humiliation, or else James and Peter would never be able to show their faces in public again, but Lily had just interrupted cuddle time. No one interrupted cuddle time. Not even James or Peter or anyone. Lily would surely pay for this… oh yes, she would pay…

Remus' mental evil laugh was interrupted when Lily stopped walking. "Remus, can you keep a secret?" Remus raised an eyebrow. Lily flushed. "Right… well, look in that classroom."

Remus looked, and gave a slightly insane high-pitched giggle when he saw the unconscious forms of Macnair, Dolohov, and Nott lying on the floor.

"You have to help me move the bodies!" Lily hissed. "I already wiped their memories, but if a teacher finds them, they could undo the charm!"


A good friend will bail you out of jail.

"Moony! Baby, you're okay!" Sirius ran up to the holding cell and grabbed Remus' hand through the bar. "I was so worried…"

Remus smiled and squeezed Sirius' hand. "Padders, I'm fine. You don't have to-"

"Move." James pushed Sirius out of the way, and glared at Remus. "I just paid the bail. Lets get out of here."

When the door opened Remus hurried out and hugged Sirius.

"Enough of that." James scowled. "Let's go!"

A best friend would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"

"Wait, what about Lily?"

"She's in the waiting area." Sirius put his arm around Remus and all three of the young men made their way to the front of the station, where they found Lily having a deep discussion with a Drag Queen.

Lily saw them, and hugged the Drag Queen before bounding up to Remus. "That was awesome!" She exclaimed, snuggling up to James and grinning at Remus, who grinned back. " Let's do it again!"

"What exactly did you guys do to get arrested by the muggle police?"

"We went streaking."


A good friend convinces you not to cut your wrists.

James awkwardly wrapped his arms around Remus' thin frame as he sobbed into his chest. He had just found his smaller friend with a razor in his hand preparing to slice open his skin. James just couldn't comprehend why anyone would purposely cause themselves pain, especially when they already went through so much once a month.

"Just… just don't do it again, okay Moony?"


A best friend asks if they can have your record player,

Lily chose this moment to enter the Boys Dormitory. Her eyes widened as she took in her boyfriend cradling her best friend on the floor. Then she saw the empty firewhiskey bottle, and the razor. "Remus…?"

Remus looked up with tear-reddened eyes. "Yeah?"

"If you die, can I have your record player?"

Remus laughed, and nodded.

Well, that's it! Just a little thing that's been on my computer for a while. Be sure to review and tell me which one was your favorite! Oh, and btw, those of you who are eagerly awaiting the update of Mummy Moony, it's done, but whenever I try to post it the FF thing says error. So, so sorry…