A/N: O.k. so just lately I went on the Sonic X 4kids website and read the character profiles. I thought to myself, I wonder if the characters would like what was written about them? Hehe, according to my incredibly random brain, of course not! So this one shot was born! Staring Sonic, Amy, Tails, Shadow, Eggman, Knuckles and Rouge! It brought a good lot of chuckles to my life and I hope it brings at least a smile to yours! =D I hope you read, I hope you review, but most importantly, I hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer:4kids owns their character profiles, Sega owns sonic and co. I own the story and-...wait..what's this?...Eggman just sent me a note saying that he owns the large hole in Chris' wall..whatever could that mean?
So without further a due, let me introduce...
Sonic the hedgehog was lazy around on the roof of Chris' mansion like always. The birds where chirping, the sun was shining and there was a gentle breeze blowing; it was quite relaxing...and boring. He was just about to get up and take a run around when something fell from the sky and hit him on the head. "Ouch! Tails what's the big idea?" Sonic said while rubbing his head. He looked up into the sky, nothing was there, so he just shrugged his shoulders and decided to take a look at what it was.
Meanwhile in Japan, the Sonic X show making people where currently yelling (in Japanese) at some newbie who had somehow managed to upload an important...or possibly useless file from the 4kids website to their Sonic X show making computers. I would use subtitles and tell you what they were saying but if you knew then this story would lose its K rating.
Anyway, back to the story. Sonic examined the object, it seemed to be a booklet of some kind labelled 'Character Profiles'. He flicked through it and saw pictures of himself, Amy, Tails, Chris even Eggman! "What the- where on earth did this come from?" He stopped at the page which had a picture of himself and decided to read it.
"Don't blink! You might miss Sonic, the hyper-hero hedgehog. Lightning fast on his feet but super slow to lose his cool, Sonic is always revved up and ready for a run-in with his archenemy, the extremely evil Dr. Eggman." Sonic stopped confused, who on earth wrote this about him? Whoever it was, they were good with their alliterations... "When trouble strikes, Sonic races to the rescue-running down rockets, and rushing robots on the rampage. O.k. who's been spying on me?...He has only one weakness: water. WHAT! WHO WAS THE GENIUS THAT PUBLISHED MY WEAKNESS TO THE WORLD!"
"Ha! It's not like it's a secret anyways!" Knuckles had heard Sonic yelling and popped his head up to the roof to see what was going on. "Need some water wings 'hyper-hero'? Ahahahaha!" Annoyed, Sonic sped off the roof and into the mansion, to question Tails about this mysterious book.
Tails was in the lounge watching TV with Cream and Amy. "What you got there Sonic?"
"O.k. Tails! I know it was you! This book makes me look like an egotistical goof who's afraid to get his feet wet!" Sonic huffed while throwing the book at Tails.
"Well good to see it's telling the truth then!" Knuckles strolled in casually.
"TAKE THAT BACK!" Amy jumped up with her hammer in full swing ready to protect her Sonic.
"Whoa guys! Just calm down! Let me see this book Sonic!" Sonic chucked the book at Tails who started to examine it, "Gosh Sonic it's not so bad! Look, at the end it says, Eggman would love to see Sonic all washed up, but he may not get his wish. Our dashing blue speedster is master of rapid response!"
Knuckles started to snigger, "pft-hahahaha! Oh save me! Dashing blue speedster!"
"I fail to see how that is funny!" Amy pouted, "Sonic is dashingly handsome" her face turned to a dreamy expression and Sonic hid behind the couch.
Tails continued to flick through the booklet, "Hey, it's got something on me in here!"
"It's got something on everyone" Sonic grumbled
"ooh! Read mine! Read mine!" Amy begged.
"Okay" Tails sighed and flicked to the page which had a picture of Amy on it. "Amy sure is sweet..."
"You bet I am!"
"On Sonic that is!"
Amy sighed dreamily, "you bet I am"
Sonic tried to disappear behind the couch, "I do not like the sound of this one"
Knuckles started laughing again, "I do! Keep reading Tails!"
"Amy's got grace, she's got charm, she's got beauty..."
"This book tells the truth!" Amy squealed with delight.
"and she's got a hammer. She's usually friendly and caring, but when she feels threatened, look out! Amy may seem light-hearted, but she's a heavyweight hothead."
"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TAILS!"
"I-it wasn't me! I was just reading the book!"
"Haha! The book DOES tell the truth!" Knuckles chuckled
"RAAAAWWWRRR!" Amy swung back her hammer with fire in her eyes, "I'M NOT A HOT HEAD! I'M ALWAYS FRIENDLY AND CARING!" She repeatedly swung at the red echidna's head.
"Whoa! Sorry Amy! Didn't mean to make you feel threatened!" Knuckles again chuckled at the most inappropriate of times.
"I'LL" Amy hit Knuckles square on the head, "SHOW" she hit him again, " YOU HOW" again "CARING" again "I CAN" again "BE!"
"Ahhhh! Tails do something!"
"I-err- maybe this book knows how to stop her! Let's see...Troublemaking robots better watch out: punch her buttons and she'll come out swinging."
"SO YOU THINK I'M JUST SOME MINDLESS HAMMER SWINGING RUFFIAN WITH ANGER ISSUES DO YOU TAILS?"
"N-n-no! Eek! Amy!" Tails dropped the book and ran, "Sonic do something!"
Sonic reached down and picked up the book, "But no matter how manic she gets, her heart quickly melts the instant Amy sees her hasty hero." Amy stopped swinging and turned to face Sonic with love hearts in her eyes, "oh no...why did I read that?"
"Because you love me! Ooh Sonic! I love you to!" Amy dropped her hammer and crushed Sonic in a bear hug.
"I...know..ugh...can't..breath!" Sonic tried to squirm free.
"Oh, sorry!...does the book say anything else about me?"
Knuckles picked it up and read the last sentence. Immediately he bore a massive grin which Sonic didn't like the look of. "Why yes Amy! Yes it does! And I couldn't agree with it more!"
"Well then, what does it say?" Amy said sensing suspicion.
"Now if only Sonic would ask her out on a date!"
"EEEEEEEKKKKKK! This book tells the truth about everything! EEEEKKKKKK! Sonic you should listen to it! Now I know you love me! Where should we have our date? Hmmm...the movies! No, no, we need something more exciting then that! I know, there's a great new pizza place down the road which is really romantic!" She squealed, "but then again...I would love to just stroll along the beach...I know! We can do all three! This is going to be the best date ever Sonic! EEEKKKK!"
Sonic shot Knuckles a death glare, "um...did I actually ask you anything?"
"Sure you did! And I accept! Saturday's fine for me!...Actually..tomorrows fine! Pick me up at 6 am! I'll be ready!"
"It's going to be a long day!"
Sonic sighed and slumped back down into the couch, cursing the book the entire time.
"Excuse me Mister Sonic, but does the book say anything about me?" Cream asked politely as usual.
Sonic flicked through it and surprisingly there was nothing, "Nope, you're clean!...hehe...but there's a page on Knuckles!"
Knuckles snatched the book of him, "which we will NOT be reading!"
Just then Rouge flew in through the window, "What's this about a book I here?"
"Go away Rouge! No one invited you!" Knuckles snapped.
"Well, now, isn't that a nice welcome? I just came to say hi! But now I'm curious, what's in that book you've got there?"
"It's stuff about us, we don't know where it came from but so far we've established that Sonic's an egotistical goof who's afraid to get his feet wet and Amy's some mindless, hammer swinging ruffian with anger issues" Tails said all matter of factly.
"WHAT!" Sonic and Amy yelled at the same time, "I think it's time we read something about you Mr Prower!" Sonic snatched the book from Knuckles and flicked to the page on Tails. "His real name is Miles Prower but his buddies know him as Tails. Tails is clever as a fox. (Maybe that's because he is a fox!) Well duh!" Sonic grumbled, "With a talent for tinkering, Tails turns out high-tech gadgets with ease. He's always putting his mechanical wizardry to work, helping Sonic battle Dr. Eggman."
"cough*nerd*cough" Knuckles muttered.
" If there's a threat in the sky – and there usually is –Tails is always standing by, ready to soar off and save the day in his homemade X-Tornado. Tail's formidable piloting skills make him a high-flying hero." Sonic finished, "Well that was incredibly boring! Don't they have any dirt on you?"
"People just must like me to much!" Tails puffed out his chest proudly.
"Goody-Goody!" Amy shouted which made everyone erupt in laughter. "Booklet's pet!"
"That doesn't even make any sense! And I'm not a goody-goody or a nerd!" Tails huffed.
"Well if you're giving us labels then that's yours!" Sonic sniggered just as the living room wall exploded.
"Ooh ho ho!" Eggman made his typical entrance with Shadow by his side. "What do we have here?"
"Hey! You just can't come barging into our house! That's rude!" Amy yelled.
"Well you barge into my base all the time!" Eggman huffed.
"He has a point you know!" Tails added.
"Shut it goody-goody!" Everyone shouted, which made Tails go quiet straight away.
"What are you doing here Egghead!"
"Do I need a reason to attack my arch-foe?" In fact Eggman didn't have a reason; he was just bored, "Shadow! Destroy them!" The ebony hedgehog followed his orders and prepared to attack.
"Quick Sonic! Do something!" Amy shrieked.
"I have an idea!" Sonic opened up the book to the Shadow page, "U-uh-uhhh!" He waggled his finger in front of Shadow's face, "Before you attack me I have something to say! And it's about you!"
Shadow stopped for a moment, he didn't know much about himself, "Make it quick faker!"
"Shadow was created by Dr. Eggman's Grandfather, Dr. Gerald Robotnik, as the ultimate creature who will carry out his plan to bring total destruction to the world. He is in every way a mirror image of Sonic but he is his evil alter ego. Shadow is able to mimic any battle techniques used by Sonic after witnessing the move just one time."
"Oh really, thanks for the tips"
"Sonic what are you trying to do? Educate him?" Tails shrieked.
"I..um...I thought this book would have some information we could use!...err...I'll keep reading... He also has the ability to create chaos Control with just one Chaos Emerald."
"I already knew that." Said Shadow as he pulled out a chaos emerald and got ready to chaos spear Sonic.
"Um...err...He has only one weakness: he doesn't remember anything from his past or that he was created to carry out evil!" Sonic smirked, "That's it!"
"What's it?" Everyone said together.
"Shadow! Maria!" Sonic yelled like he was throwing a pokeball.
"What?...Maria..." Shadow went into some sought of trance as he just stood there and had a long flash back.
"Shadow? Shadow!" Eggman groaned, "Great, not again! I'll just have to destroy you myself!"
Sonic flicked to the Eggman page, "Not so fast Eggy! I have something on you as well! His IQ is high, his waistline is huge, but the biggest, baddest thing about Dr. Eggman is his ego!"
"Well I never! How rude!" Eggman said, sounding highly offended.
Sonic continued, "This venomous villain has just one thing on his mind: ruling the universe. All he needs is the power of the seven Chaos emeralds...and he'll stop at nothing to get them. So the citizens of Station Square find themselves under constant assault from this mayhem-loving megalomaniac."
"Ooh ho ho! You bet they do!"
"With his terrornauts, one things is certain: Eggman is always egg-stremely dangerous!" Sonic finished as though it was the last line of his comedy act.
Everyone groaned, "Enough with the egg puns already!"
"Yeah! That's my thing!" Eggman growled, "And I did not appreciate the rude remarks you said at the beginning! I did not come here to be insulted! Come Shadow! We're leaving!"
Shadow just stood there, "...Maria..."
Eggman sighed and picked Shadow up by the quills; he was as stiff as a board. He chucked him in the back of his egg ship and putted away, muttering something about how his waist line wasn't 'that' huge.
"Okay...now what?" Amy asked.
Tails looked at the big hole Eggman had made in the wall for pretty much no reason, "Do you think Chris will mind?"
"Ahh, just cover it up with the curtain! He'll never notice!" Sonic brushed it off as Tails shrugged and did what he was told.
"I for one would like to see what this book has to say about Knuckles!" Rouge smirked which caused Knuckles to panic.
"No! No we don't!" He made a grab for the book but Sonic sped out of his reach.
"So would I Rouge! Let's have a look he smirked.
Cream walked in with a tray of juice and biscuits, "Who's hungry?" Everyone forgot about the book for a second and just dived on the food.
Knuckles saw his chance and went to grab it but Rouge picked it up, "Come on Knuckie! It's your turn!"
"Kn-Kn-Knuckie? DON'T CALL ME THAT!" He said blushing bright red.
Sonic strolled over with a glass of juice in his hand and took the book off Rouge. "Gather round boys and girls! It's story time!" Everyone ran over excitedly over to Sonic and sat by his feet; pretending to be eager five year olds. "Here's one hero who packs a real punch!" Knuckles mood lightened, maybe it wouldn't be so bad? "Thanks to Chaos Control, Knuckles was blasted into a strange, new world along with Sonic and the gang. But instead of enjoying the adventure, Knuckles just wants to get back home as quickly as possible."
"Awww! Is someone a little home sick?" Rouge cooed.
"I'm not three!"
"Don't worry Mister Knuckles! I miss my home to sometimes!" Cream said sympathetically.
"Awwwwwwwww!" Everyone said together.
"I'M NOT HOMESICK!"
"It's okay wittle Knuckie! Come give Rouge a hug!" Rouge babied him which made Knuckles even more annoyed...even though he was secretly missing home...maybe he wanted a hug.
"I do NOT WANT A HUG! ESPECIALLY NOT FROM YOU!" Knuckles grumbled and plonked himself on the couch furthest away from everyone.
"Poor Knuckles! No one understands do they?" Sonic teased which made everyone giggle, "Okay, now back to the story, His sworn duty is to protect the Master Emerald – a job he takes very seriously. Tell Knuckles to loosen up and he may lose it altogether!"
Everyone burst into a fit of laughter. "ahahahaha! It's funny cause it's true!" Tails chortled in a less than smart manner.
"AAAAARRRGGGHHHH!" Knuckles stood up and curled his fists in frustration.
"Oh no! I think he's losing it again!" Sonic managed to say between his laughter.
"SONIC! GIVE ME THAT BOOK RIGHT NOW!" Knuckles made a lunge for it, but they don't call Sonic the dashing blue speedster for nothing!
"Tsk, tsk! Temper, temper! Let me finish the story!" Sonic said while trying not to crack up with laughter again. "In fact, the chip on his shoulder is almost as big as his Shovel Claw. Bad guys beware: Knuckles fighting skills are as fearsome as his temper!"
"I DO NOT HAVE A TEMPER!" everyone was in hysterics after this comment.
"Awwww! Poor, wittle, homesick Knuckie is throwing a tantrum!" Rouge pinched his cheeks...which made Knuckles really lose it.
"WELL LET'S SEE WHAT THE BOOK SAYS ABOUT YOU!" Knuckles tried yet again to snatch it from Sonic.
"Bad Knuckles!" Sonic waggled his finger in front of the guardian's face, "If you want something you have to ask nicely for it! Say ta!"
"GIMME THE STUPID BOOK BEFORE I SMASH YOUR FACE INTO THE CONCRETE!"
"No! I am reading it! So you sit down and listen like a good boy!"
Knuckles grumbled something which wasn't K rated, grabbed a cookie and a juice and started sulking in a chair.
"O.k, now let's see...Rouge, Rouge, Rouge...ahh yes! Here we are!" Sonic said to himself as he searched for the page on the bat thief.
"Oh I don't mind! There's nothing you can say or do to embarrass me!" Rouge said in a snobby tone. Knuckles grumbled and bit viciously on his cookie, annoyed that he could never find a way to annoy her back.
Sonic cleared his throat and began. "Rouge the Bat is a world famous treasure hunter."
"World famous? My, I am honoured!" She said snootily.
"Her voluptuous and daring attitude turns any man's head."
Rouge winked at Knuckles, who blushed slightly, growled and looked away. "Yeah, her face is so ugly it makes everyone look in the other direction!"
"That isn't funny Knuckles!" Amy said, "That's just rude!"
"What? B-But you all said to me-"
"Shame on you Knuckles! You need to learn some manners!" Sonic swatted him on the head. "Her policy though is that duty comes first, but she has big interest in jewels."
"Well, looks like the book likes me! It tells the truth, I might take your place as goody-goody Tails!" Rouge cooed sarcastically. Tails huffed and motioned for Sonic to keep reading.
"Her figure, speech and behaviour masks her true personality."
"We already know that!" Amy said rather bored, "Isn't there anything interesting about her?"
"Or anything to laugh at? Come on! We can't end this book on a boring note! How come we all got made fun of and she gets away without so much as a snigger!" Knuckles crossed his arms and angrily took a sip of juice. Everyone silently agrees.
"Well can I help it if I'm perfect?" Rouge laughed, although no one else found it funny, why does nothing embarrassing or degrading happen to her? She annoys everyone on a daily basis and there is no way to counter her attacks.
"Wait, there's one more sentence here.." Sonic said.
"Just read it Sonic, I wonder what it'll say? Maybe that I'm afraid of water? Ooh! Wait! I could secretly have anger management issues!" Amy and Sonic both shot her death stares, "I could be all round perfect and enjoy writing maths equations!" Tails slumped down into his chair. "I could have a secret weight issue!" Rouge pretended to gasp with shock, and back at the base Eggman growled with annoyance.
"I'm going on a diet!...tomorrow..."
"I could be a Sonic clone who's lost their memory!"
"Or maybe I'm a wittle sulky, homesick baby who gets angry easily and throws tantrums all the time. Knuckles continued to sulk and took another sip of his juice. "Come on Sonic! Is there really anything that would make me look bad when compared to you crazy lot? If anything, I'm the sanest here! So come on, hit me with what you've got! What does it say?" She battered her eyelashes flirtatiously.
Sonic, who was now very annoyed, read the last line with no feeling at all as he knew it would just somehow make Rouge look good...again... "Rouge has a crush on Knuckles the Echidna."
"PFFFFFFTTTTTTT! COUGH, COUGH!" Knuckles spat all his juice on Sonic's face, started choking and fell off his chair backwards. Apart from that, the room was silent. Rouge's cheeks started to slowly burn bright red. Sonic quickly re-read the last sentence to himself, unsure if he had read it right. He and everyone else then turned their heads sharply to face Rouge, who was redder than Knuckles.
"...I-...it...uh...er...um...that's not true!"
"Like you said Rouge...the book always tells the truth..." Amy said zombie like, still in shock as it was the last thing she expected.
The room went silent again...except for Knuckles who was still upside down on the ground behind the couch, coughing and choking on his juice. "WHAT?"
What Sonic had read, finally, finally clicked and EVERYONE in the room, in Eggman's base and for some strange reason, at the Guardian of United Nations HQ, burst out laughing. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"So that's why you hang around him so much!" Amy chortled.
"Are you after his emerald, or are you after him!" Sonic added.
"Rouge and Knuckles sitting in a tree!" Tails childishly sang the primary school song.
"Cough, cough, w-what? Cough! WHAT WAS THAT LAST SENTENCE?" Knuckles spluttered and crawled over the top of the chair.
"Rouge has a crush on you!" Amy sang.
"N-n-n-no!" She blushed harder, completely thrown off her guard.
"Ahehehehehehehe!" Sonic laughed so hard he fell off his chair, he didn't even have the strength to wipe the juice off, which Knuckles spat on his face. "R-Rouge! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! A-and Knucklehead! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! T-too much! Hahaha!" Sonic gasped for air then continued to roll around on the ground.
"I-I-I don't! The book was lying! I-uh, just remembered I had to be somewhere...uh..anywhere but here! I've..uh...got to get away fr-from you freaks! Yeah, you have fun with your childish games! B-because I know it's not true..and I-uh.." Rouge stuttered trying without success to regain control of the situation.
"Excuse me Miss Rouge but where are you going?" Cream asked yet again polietley.
"That's Mrs Knuckles from now on! Bwa hahahahahaha!" Sonic laughed at his own joke.
"Ooh! Are you and Mister Knuckles getting married?"
Knuckles fell backwards off his chair again. Cream walked around to where Knuckles had fallen over, "Mister Knuckles, do you love Miss Rouge?"
"Wha-? May-no! Nu-ye-I-NO! Mayb-I ha-sought of-no! But-I...I DON'T KNOW!" Knuckles yelled...not his best answer...everyone was trying to gasp for air but it was hard while they were in a non-stop fit of laughter.
"I d-don't have time for this!" Rouge tried to sound like she didn't care, but she was flustered so she banged into the table, tripped on the rug and fell on top of Knuckles. "I-er-sorry...you got in my way! I-..I'm out of here!" She jumped out the window and flew off with her cheeks still burning chrimson...just like Knuckles! Everyone watched her go then cracked up again. From outside the building it looked like a perfectly peaceful day, the birds where chirping, the sun was shining and there was a gentle breeze blowing...but it was anything but boring!
A/N: Well, there you have it! Just a little...hmm...big one shot that I decided to write. Don't know if you enjoyed it but I found it kinda funny...please tell me what you thought though! Don't forget the moral of this story which is...um...something! This is what happens when you write something staring an egotistical goof who's afraid to get his feet wet, a mindless, hammer swinging ruffian with anger issues, a goody-goody nerd, a Sonic clone who's lost their memory, an overweight overlord, a little sulky, homesick baby who gets angry easily and throws tantrums all the time, and Mrs Knuckles! Thank you everyone for reading and have a fantastic, humorous and totally random day!