Pay it forward…
The phrase sends a chill down my spine. The mere thought of the meaning behind it…the part I played in the act called 'paying it forward' and the way I had been a direct cause of this particular chain makes me want to take it all back.
"This…is your assignment. Extra credit; it goes on all year long."
Who would have thought that something as trivial as a school assignment would bring about so much pain…so much suffering?
"What does the world expect of you?"
One of the first words he spoke to me. 'Nothing'. A word that means so little, yet meant so much at the time. If you really think about it, 'nothing'…is really something. People say you do not know what you have until you have lost it. And, in fact, they are right; that emptiness…that void of nothingness that comes with losing something is…well, something. It hurts and it pulls at your heart until you can barely stand it, begging for that nothing to be filled again by that something.
But…what if it is gone for good? And…what if you caused it to leave?
"But…the stuff I did…it didn't really work out."
Oh, how little he knew about what he had done! How blind he was to the amount of lives he had touched…especially my own. Without his help, I would still be stuck in the rut I had called a life, with no willingness for change…with fear of change. The security that came with everything staying the same comforted me falsely; with that boy's assistance, I learned that change was what kept life exciting…kept life happy. He was surely used to change; instability. With that 'father' of his running in and out, slapping his mother around.
Oh, thoughts like that pain me.
"But…I guess it's hard for people who are so used to things the way they are – even if they're bad – to change. And…they kinda give up. And, when they do, everybody…they kinda lose."
It is impossible for me to comprehend how a boy so young could be so knowledgeable. He had me completely figured out…he had compressed my life for the last several years into three sentences. Three. And it's hard to grasp that, just shortly after that revelation, Trevor…
God…even saying his name is like a blade in my heart.
He died finishing his assignment.
He died 'paying it forward'…he died helping Adam.
If…If I could have just…moved faster…
"Hey! Let me go!"
If I had…reacted sooner…
"Trevor! No! Trevor! Hey!"
"Get out of my face!"
"Punch him, come on!"
"No! Leave him alone! Trevor!"
…His face still haunts me in my dreams.
It's become more powerful than of that beast I called a father's.
I cannot say I do not feel guilty. That would be lying through my teeth. I know it's 'silly'. I know it's 'not my fault'. I know it's 'tragic, but something you shouldn't harbor over, Eugene'.
But I do not want to hear that bullshit. Trevor was only twelve. Twelve. Tragic my ass! It was much more…much, much more! Arlene…Arlene…she lost her son, after just really getting him back! Everything was going to be perfect…everything was going to be right!
And one school assignment…one assignment…
…changed everything. For both the good, and the horribly bad.
It's all my fault.
"I'm grading you on the effort…not the result."
All of it.
Hey, guys! First fic in a while…I saw there was only one fic for this wonderful movie, and decided I wanted to add one.
Please review! I'm not sure if I like this, and I wanna know what you – as readers – think. And yes, it's supposed to be angsty and have a sad ending. Kind of the point. :3
Thanks for reading!