Disclaimer: I own nothing but the crazy voices in my head (I'm pretty sure I own them, anyway). I write fanfiction to entertain myself and others; no copyright infringement is intended.
Genre: Humor (with my deepest, deepest apologies)
Summary: Jareth deigns to participate in a televised interview with the intention of setting the record straight about who he is. What will Sarah think?
A/N: My muse is on crack. I have no other excuse. Wait. *whispers to side, listens, nods head thoughtfully and turns back* She says it's because of all the Labyrinth fanfic I've been devouring. So apparently, it's my fault. Whoops.
I'm not a screenwriter, so if any readers are, you'll just have to forgive the bad formatting. This is more of a transcript anyway. ;)
Jareth, King of the Goblins: A Barbara Walters Exclusive
The scene opens in an opulent hotel room with Barbara Walters and HM Jareth sitting across from each other in large, cushy chairs. Barbara is dress in a light-colored suit. Jareth is bedecked in his usual garish, glittery attire down to the tight pants, knee-high boots and leather gloves.
The camera cuts to Barbara.
Walters: Good evening, I'm Barbara Walters, and tonight I have a very special guest who has come out of obscurity in order to, as he says, set the record straight.
The camera pulls back until both Barbara and Jareth are in the shot.
Walters: I'm with King Jareth, ruler of the Goblins, Keeper of the Labyrinth, Weaver of Dreams, Granter of Wishes, Steward of the Lost Children, and Heir to the Throne of the Underground. (turns toward Jareth) Did I get all of your titles right?
Jareth: (nods) You did, love. I have also been called the Great Seducer, but that's more of an honorary title.
Walters: Thank you for agreeing to this interview.
Jareth: (grins) Your wish was my command.
Jareth conjures a crystal and begins playing with it idly as he drapes himself over his chair.
Walters: Some have called you a wizard, a sorcerer, a fairy, or an elven lord. A few have even speculated that you are the devil himself. Are you any of those, your majesty?
Jareth: The devil himself? (throws back his head and laughs) I can assure you that I am not Satan or Lucifer, or whatever it is you mortals call him, though I am flattered by the inference. As to the others… (scornful expression) I am none of those.
Walters: Then what are you?
Jareth: (sits up taller) I am a Fae—more precisely a Sidhe, and one of the most powerful of my kind. I am second only to my father.
Walters: Would you care to explain further?
Jareth: The intricacies of the Faerie are too complicated for your mortal understanding. You need only know that I am a magical being, and not one to be trifled with.
Walters: I see. Then we'll move on to the next question. Is there a reason why you wear gloves all the time?
Jareth: You must understand that I rule over a kingdom of goblins. They can be quite disgusting at times, though I do adore the little creatures against my better judgment.
Walters: You wear them for hygienic purposes then?
Jareth: They do complete my clothing ensemble quite nicely, wouldn't you agree?
Walters: (smiles) I won't argue with you there. Speaking of clothing, I have to ask about the pants.
Jareth: (knowing grin) What of them?
Walters: You have to admit that they're…tight.
Jareth: (leer) They are indeed.
Walters: On purpose, then?
Jareth: I never do anything unintentionally, Barbara. And before you ask, I have no need to…enhance…anything.
There is a brief silence as Barbara and the viewers process this.
Walters: And your hair?
Jareth: (tight face) Next question.
Walters: I was only—
Jareth: (clenched teeth) We do not discuss my hair. Change the subject or I shall toss you into the Bog of Eternal Stench.
Walters: (taken aback)I apologize. Let's move onto the glitter. Is that a byproduct of your magic, or part of your personal flare?
Jareth: (calm once more) I don't remember.
Walters: (blinks) You don't remember?
Jareth: (absent wave of the hand) I've existed for eons. I cannot recall if my magic has always left this particular residue, or if it was something that suited my fancy in my younger centuries and has now become a part of my modus operandi.
Walters: What is it like to be immortal?
Jareth: Since I have always been this way, I have no basis for comparison. I am not, however, truly eternal. I will die one day, but it will be countless eons more before I am ready to sail across the great divide.
Walters: Let's talk about your family now, if we could.
Jareth: (small shrug) If it pleases you.
Walters: Your parents are King Oberon and Queen Titania, correct?
Jareth: They are.
Walters: Are they the same Oberon and Titania that appear in William Shakespeare's "A Midsummer's Night Dream"?
Jareth: Perhaps. I've never asked.
Walters: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Jareth: More than you know.
Walters: One of your titles is Heir to the Throne of the Underground. Does that mean that you're the firstborn?
Jareth: (dances the crystal ball between his hands, leaning back again)That is a question with a rather obvious answer, Barbara.
Walters: (smiles) Of course. Is there a Queen of the Goblins? And do you have children of your own?
Jareth: (for a second, looks as if he caught a whiff of the Bog of Eternal Stench) There is a queen, but she has yet to take the title. I do not believe any of my past…encounters…with women have led to offspring, though I can never know for certain. Only my consort will give me a true heir, however.
Walters: There have been rumors that you have a certain affection—for lack of a better word—for a mortal woman: the children's author, Sarah Williams, whose series "The Goblin Chronicles" has topped the best seller list for more than five years.
Jareth: (feral grin) Sarah is no ordinary mortal woman.
Walters: Are any of her stories based in truth?
Jareth: (stops the crystal and cocks his head) Oh, I can assure you that the Labyrinth is not so tame as she portrays in her silly little tales.
Walters: So none of her books are true.
Jareth: (smirks) I wouldn't say that. I do recall reading in the third book about a lovely dance between the heroine and the villain.
Walters: Are you the villain, then?
Jareth: At times I may appear to fill that role, but no, I am not. I only do what must be done regardless of some mortal's misguided perception of fairness. (looks into the camera and winks)
Walters: In the time that you've been the Keeper of the Labyrinth, is it true that there has been only one champion?
Jareth: (scowls) Yes.
Walters: And that champion is Sarah Williams, correct?
Jareth: (the crystal in his hand cracks and disappears in a shower of glitter) She is.
Walters: How did she beat the Labyrinth?
Jareth: (glowers for a moment, then regains his haughty composure) Care to make an attempt yourself, Barbara? Do you have a wayward child you'd like to wish away to my realm? (leans forward) I'd even give you a head start.
Walters: (placid smile) I'm afraid that I'll have to pass, but it was gracious of you to offer.
Jareth: I can be generous, despite what some might believe. (gives another brief, pointed look into the camera)
Walters: Back to Sarah Williams, the only one to beat the Labyrinth—
Jareth: (interrupting) The only mortal.
Walters: The only mortal to beat the Labyrinth, then. When we scheduled this interview, we asked if she would like to make a statement. (holds a piece of paper) Would you like to hear it?
Jareth: (pretends to be nonchalant, but the tension in his body is obvious) Why not?
Walters: (reads) She says, "No one should ever trust a single word that falls from the lips of the Goblin King. He is self-centered, spoiled and manipulative. Part of his life's work is to steal children, which should tell you exactly what kind of man he is. And I would like to remind His Majesty, once again, that he has no power over me." (looks up) Do you have a response?
Jareth: What a pity. (waves toward the camera) May I?
Walters: Of course.
Jareth: (into the camera) Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. Must you wound me so? (places hand against his chest in mock pain) You know very well that I only take unwanted children—children who are deliberately wished away. I should think you'd remember that from your own experience. After all I have done for you, all I have given you, you would still disparage my character? I move the stars for no one, Precious, but I moved them for you. (grins) My offer still stands, beloved Sarah. (turns back to Barbara) Next question.
Walters: Is the title of Goblin Queen what you offer Miss Williams?
Jareth: Indeed. (smile widens to reveal a mouthful of slightly pointed teeth) Mark my words: Sarah Williams will rule the Underground at my side. There has never been nor will never be any woman—mortal or otherwise—who can match me will for will. And it won't take Sarah long to discover that all other men are mere paltry shadows compared to me.
Walters: That's quite a declaration. How can you be so sure?
Jareth: (smirks) I always get what I want.
Walters: But she says that you have no power over her.
Jareth: (dismissive wave of his hand) You speak as though that were some sort of obstacle. It is a challenge, no doubt, but one to which I am more than equal.
Walters: I want to bring up Toby Williams, if you don't mind.
Jareth: (becomes somber) What of the boy?
Walters: One can assume that when Miss Williams was a runner in your Labyrinth, she was attempting to win back a child she wished away—Toby. In the thirteen hours—
Jareth: Ten hours. Sarah wished to up the stakes, and I was compelled to oblige her.
Walters: In the ten hours that Miss Williams ran the Labyrinth, where was Toby?
Jareth: (pulls out a lacy handkerchief and dabs his eyes) And I did so hope to avoid an emotional display. To answer your question, the baby—little Jareth as I preferred to call him—was in my care during that time.
Walters: May I ask why talking about this makes you cry?
Jareth: (look of disdain) I am not weeping. The Goblin King does not weep, not even when he offers his heart, soul and kingdom to a cruel, young girl and she tosses it aside. I am merely feeling sentimental.
Walters: I apologize. Let me rephrase the question: Why does discussing Toby Williams make you feel emotional?
Jareth: He really was a delightful little chap. I quite enjoyed his company. (pause, dabs eyes again) And, of course, I've never had to send one of them back before. I was so certain that he would become one of us.
Walters: It's been said that you turn the "wished away" children, as you call them, into Goblins. Is this true?
Jareth: (throws back his head and guffaws for a minute before looking at Barbara again) Yes I do. (off Barbara's shocked expression) But only those that are suited for goblin life. The others are adopted by the Faerie.
Walters: And Toby? What would his fate have been had Miss Williams not been able to conquer the Labyrinth?
Jareth: (slow smile) I would have raised him as my own son…with my queen consort at my side. (dramatic sigh) Ah, what might have been…
Walters: (after a beat) Well, that's all of our time. I'd like to thank you for giving us a little insight into the Goblin King.
Jareth: (inclines head) My pleasure.
Walters: Any final words for the viewers?
Jareth: (turns to the camera) Be careful what you wish for, little mortals, because what's said is said, and it cannot be taken back. (wolfish grin) And Sarah, my precious, I will see you soon.
Jareth disappears in a flash of white and glitter. The camera zooms in on Barbara who is dusting the shiny specks off her suit.
Walters: And that was Jareth, King of the Goblins. Villain, trickster, love-struck Fae king, or fashion trend-setter? I'll let you decide. Thank you for joining us for this exclusive broadcast. Your local news is next. Goodnight.
Queue music. Fade to black. Roll credits.
Somewhere in the continental United States, Sarah Williams is throwing her remote at the television screen, screaming:
Endnotes: Jareth's sensitivity about his hair? I have no idea what that's about. It's what the muse whispered, and I went with it. I told you she was on crack.
Thanks for reading. I'd love to know what you thought of my little tongue-in-cheek endeavor. Reviews are better than chocolate!