Disclaimer: I don't own the Vampire Diaries. Obviously.
Author's Note: I didn't plan on updating this anytime soon. But 4x01 made me do it. Seriously, I've been angry as hell for two days. It's not good for me, and I needed to let it out. As always, warnings for spoilers, Stelena bashing and crappy parody. Read at your own risk.
"Noooo! I don't wanna be a vampire! Stefan! Say I don't have to be a vampire! Waahh!" Elena cried, upon waking to find herself a member of the walking dead.
"Okay. You don't have to be a vampire. Bonnie will fix it. Bringing someone back from the dead is a walk in the park, after all."
"Oh, goody! You're the most awesomest boyfriend ever!"
"Except for the part where bringing someone back from the dead is highly dangerous and usually impossible," Damon chimed in from his perch on the window.
"Shut upppp! You're killing my buzz, Damon! I wanted to finally die to live out the unhealthy martyr fantasy I've had since my parents went off that bridge and Stefan helped my dreams come true!"
"Great. Now you've done that, can we please skip to the part where you feed and complete the transition?"
"No! I don't want to be a vampire! I'd rather die! Or have Bonnie die trying to save me from my own stupidity!"
"So Matt is higher than Bonnie on Elena's hierarchy of loved ones? I'm still trying to figure this out."
"It's simple enough. Stefan is number one, Matt is number two, Bonnie is three, Caroline is four, Tyler is five, and you are last."
"Thanks, but don't you have a brother somewhere in there?"
"Oh, yeah! Jeremy! I completely forgot!"
"Yeah, you do that a lot when you're trying to throw your own life away despite the fact that he'll have no one if you die."
Elena waved a hand dismissively. "So, back to me, can we hurry up and get Bonnie on it?"
"Whatever, princess," Damon said, getting up and walking out in disgust.
"Shut your mouth, bro. Elena doesn't have to be a vampire if she doesn't want to," Stefan said, walking into the kitchen where Damon was gulping Ric's bourbon. "It's her choice."
"Right. I forgot that our whole lives revolve around us ignoring our centuries of life experience to do whatever a screwed-up 18-year-old tells us to do."
"Hey, just because she has very limited life experience and isn't all that smart is no reason to disregard her opinion! Caveman!"
"Whatever. At least I didn't let her die."
"Okay, so that wasn't great. But Bonnie will fix it."
"Have you met Bonnie?"
"Shut up. What Elena wants, Elena gets."
Stefan stormed out and Damon finished his bourbon.
"Just keep calm and don't kill anyone. Keep calm and don't kill. Don't kill," he repeated.
"Hi Damon!" said Matt Donovan.
"Grrrr!" Damon snarled, grabbing Matt's neck and throwing him up against the wall. "I'm going to kill you!"
"Dude, that wasn't my fault! I was unconscious. It's your dumbass brother's fault, not mine!"
"Put him down. We've got bigger problems. Elena and Stefan have been kidnapped by a crazy vamp-hater who's going to kill them," Sheriff Forbes said.
"Great. My life couldn't get any better," Damon muttered.
"Stefan! Where are you Stefan?" Elena called out, waking up in her cage.
"In the other cage beside you," Stefan called.
"Oh good. I'm so relieved you're here! Now I don't have to die alone!"
"You didn't feed?"
"No. And there are no humans around so I guess I'm dead. Huh. That doesn't sound so appealing now, funnily enough."
"It's appealing for me," Rebekah said, grinning at Elena.
"Shut uppp! You're ruining my romantic moment with Stefan!"
"I love you Elena! You should have fed this morning like Damon said! Then you wouldn't be about to die!"
"Don't listen to Damon. He's all smart and stuff. It was way better that we did it this way. You felt better about indulging my suicidal tendencies for a few hours, and that is well worth Bonnie's grandma's afterlife. And mine."
"I love you boo!"
"I love you too!"
"I picked you Stefan! I was on the bridge because I was on my way to you to tell you I loved you and you were my only choice forever and ever!"
"Wow! What happened to being confused and all that stuff with Damon last season?"
"Damon schmamon. Who cares about him? Not me! I just got lonely while you were away!"
"While I was away murdering people, being a douche to you and your friends, putting killing Klaus above everyone and everything else and threatening to kill you by driving you off Wickery Bridge?"
"What? When did all that happen?"
"Ugh, whatever. So, where were we?"
"You're dying because we were too dumb to feed you."
"Right. I'm dying, Stefannn! Help!"
"Grr! Arggh! Let Elena out! Grr!" Stefan yelled to the guards.
"Shut up!" the guard replied, brandishing his gun.
"No! You have to let Elena out or she'll die!"
"That's kind of the point. Moron."
"Ow. These wooden bullets hurt like a bitch."
"Well that was useful. Not," Rebekah snarked.
"Shut uppp! Stefan is the awesomest boyfriend ever. He always tries to help me even if he's completely useless," Elena said.
"I dated him first, honey. He wasn't that great."
"What? When was that?"
"Back in the Twenties? We covered that last season?"
"Ugh, really? Why does everyone else keep remembering stuff that happened in the past?"
"Don't listen to her. I love you, baby!" Stefan said.
"Love you too. Don't forget, I always choose you!"
"I'm so happy! Smiling here!"
"No you're not!" Rebekah sing-songed.
"Shut uppp! Me too!" Elena replied.
"No, you're not!" Rebekah called.
"Hey, shut up! We will lie to each other to try to make ourselves feel better while we face the consequences of our own stupidity if we feel like it! It's none of your business!" Stefan yelled.
"It is if you want to actually get out of here," Rebekah replied. "Guard!"
"What?" the guard asked.
"Can you please let me out? Or move me away from these two and their sickening displays of idiocy?"
"Ooh, you're hot when you murder people," Rebekah said to Stefan, who released the prone body of the guard from where he had smashed his head against the bars like a ripe pomegranate.
"Shut up! Elena, drink his blood!"
"Can't reach! You're meant to be a Ripper! Couldn't you have torn him up a bit more so the blood would flow over to me faster?"
"Reach out harder! Put some effort into it!"
"Mmm! Murder tastes so good!"
"Die Matt, Die!" Damon yelled, crushing his windpipe.
"Get off him!" Elena yelled, pushing him off Matt, who staggered away bleeding.
"Damn it, Elena! I almost had him! A few more seconds and he'd be dead!"
"I don't approve of murder! Well, not Matt's, anyway. I chose to save him and you must respect that!"
"Why? Because I'm your bitch?"
"Well, I'm done being your bitch!" he said, stomping away.
"I remember all that stuff you compelled me to forget!"
Damon turned around.
"Did it make any difference?"
"Nope. None at all!"
"Ugh! Why do I even try?"
"I don't know. You just seem to have an insatiable appetite for punishment."
"I thought that was a pre-requisite for being your boyfriend?"
"No, to be my boyfriend you have to do everything I say, without question or complaint, just because I said so."
"That's totally unrealistic!"
"This town is full of witches, werewolves, vampires and hybrids. Why not a relationship where I always get everything I want and my boyfriend has no say in it?"
"I am so done with this!"
"See, you're always complaining about my choices! I bet if it had been you on the bridge you would have saved me even though I specifically told you to save Matt instead!"
"You're damn right I would have. And so would 99% of other men in the same situation. Girl I love = first priority. Her ex-boyfriend, not so much."
"Then Matt would be dead! And I would be sad!"
"You would also not be a blood-sucking creature of the night."
"If Meredith hadn't given me your blood I would just be dead!"
"Right. Because your death is just fine and dandy, while Matt's death is horrible."
"Yes! Matt has to live because I would be sad if he died. But if I'm dead I wouldn't be sad. Everyone else would be, but I wouldn't be. And that's the important thing."
"My head hurts trying to figure your crap out."
"That's why you're not supposed to think! Just do whatever I tell you!"
"I'm screwing Stefan!"
"Ewww. I'm outta here!"
"This sunset is so beautiful! It reminds me that I can't be in the sun anymore without frying to a crisp!" Elena told Stefan happily as they sat up on the roof.
"No worries. Bonnie made this ring for you a few days ago before she lost her powers and killed her grandma again for you."
"Oooh! It's so pretty! It's almost like you're proposing to me!"
"Not yet. We've still got to get you through being a bloodthirsty hell demon before we plan the wedding."
"Stefannn! You're so awesome! The awesomest part of being vampire is getting to spend forever with youuuu!"
"Awww, love muffin, I adore you so much! We'll take you out to murder a few bunnies tomorrow!"
"You're the greatest boyfriend everer in the world!"