Out of Control
Boundless Absurdity
By Gundam Kaiser, alias Eva Unit 01


"Kick reason out and do the impossible!"
- Kamina


Haruna asked, "So tell me again why I'm not allowed in fifty meters of Amalthea without you or the Prof supervising?"

Chao chirped, "Because Hakase is insistent on Amalthea remaining a virgin at least until she's 30-yo."

Laughing a little, Haruna said, "Oh come on. Give me some credit, at least. I mean, it's not like I go around molesting babies or anything."

Chao paused a moment, before muttering, "The way you said that gives me cause to suspect you-ne."

Fortunately, the hyper-perverted mangaka didn't hear that remark, and the duo parted ways on more-or-less amiable terms.

Upon reaching her dorm, Haruna clasped her hands in ill-repressed glee as she mentally prepared to begin her latest project – before her mouth suddenly fell ajar in openly-displayed horror.

Her extensive library of yaoi works had been destroyed.

And standing before her, a lighter in his hand and a grin on his face, was a tall man in an unfamiliar uniform of some sort. Looked like something religious in nature, but quite different from Misora's garb.

The tan man's grin widened ever further and he even began to chuckle as he said, without sincerity, "I'm truly sorry for invading your residence like this, but ALL those which go against OUR HOLY FATHER must be destroyed. AAAAAAAAAAA-MEN!"

Haruna wasn't listening. She wasn't upset that her privacy had been violated, or that the crazy freak in front of her might've stolen something or done something perverted.

She was angry that he had dared to pass judgement on one of her favored pasttimes, and had utterly annihilated it with the dumbest attempt at a justification she'd ever heard.

No, that wasn't accurate. She wasn't angry. She wasn't even furious.

Haruna Saotome had ascended to a state of cold, undying rage so fierce that even Evangeline would think twice about fighting her.

With all the warmth of deep space, she said, "You will pay."

The man abruptly stopped laughing as she said, with an icy blaze in her eyes, "You will pay dearly for that."

Letting her fiery emotions broil to a climax, the victimized mangaka roared, "ADEAT!"

As quill and paper appeared in her hands, Haruna furiously set to drawing her most-detailed piece of work thus far; her righteous, fangirl fury lent her the speed of Negi's lightning form.

And in the space of a second, She turned Her holy sketchbook and summoned Her creation into reality.

It was a gauntlet of bone-like metal with a brightly-glowing jewel at the center of the hand.

The man recognized it immediately, and his face lost all color. "Y-you would forever scar your fate for mere trash? For UNHOLY SMUT?"

As Haruna Saotome donned her creation, she roared, "Oh, hell yes I would! BEHOLD! WITCHBLADE!"

As She called out the name of Her creation, the alloy making up the gauntlet quickly spread over Her body, shredding Her school uniform and simultaneously donning Her in some rather stripperiffic body armor.

Haruna howled in ecstacy once Her transformation sequence was completed, before She rushed forward and punched Her mortal enemy through the wall and across the campus, before leaping after him as Her left arm began to sprout a nodachi from Her wrist.

"For what you've done, I demand nothing less than COMPLETE! AND UTTER! SATISFACTION!"


Meanwhile, at the Academy's very own race track…

Up in the commenter's box, a plot-unimportant fellow dramatically said, "LAAAADIES AND GENTLEMEN! ON THIS GORGEOUS DAY, I WELCOME YOU ALL TO THE MAHORA DERBY! THE OFFICIAL HORSE RACE OF MAHORA ACADEMY! Aaaaaaaaaand NOW, students and faculty alike, I present to you the Mahora Equestrian Club, as well as our guest competitor, national horse racing champion, CAPTAIN SHOTACON!"

Not too far from the overly enthusiastic announcer, an attractive student with big glasses dryly muttered, "You do realize that Captain Shotacon is obviously the Class Rep Ayaka Yukihiro, right? I mean, she named her frigging horse after Negi-sensei."

Meanwhile, on the track, a buxom blonde in (primarily) skintight blue spandex was leading her mighty steed into position, a crimson hood and a pair of goggles obscuring her identity. Grinning a bit at nobody in particular, she partially unzipped her suit so as to expose a hint of cleavage. Why, nobody would ever know, but everyone except Chisame was too distracted by the sexy to ask.

As Captain Shotacon spied a certain young English teacher from Wales, she blew him a kiss, which served only to confuse him and provoke Asuna into her Overprotective-Oneesama Mode, but that would be an Ultimate Showdown for another day.

And before she knew it, the race was on!

Roaring with all the enthusiasm of a nerd at a sci-fi convention, the unnamed announcer yelled, "ARE YOU SEEING THIS, PEOPLE? LOOK AT CAPTAIN SHOTACON GO, SHE AND NEGI-SENSEI HAVE ALREADY TAKEN AN IMPRESSIVE LEAD AGAINST THE CLOSEST COMPETITORS, IDIOT AND CIRCUITBOARD!"

Chisame introduced her palm to her face, muttering, "That can't be a coincidence…."

"CAN YOU BELIEVE THE SHOWING WE'RE GETTING FROM CAPTAIN SHOTACON? SHE'S RIDING NEGI-SENSEI HARD, AND SHE'S RIDING HIM FAST! NEVER BEFORE, IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, HAVE I EVER SEEN A WOMAN RIDE A MAJESTIC BEAST AS HARD OR AS FAST AS CAPTAIN SHOTACON IS RIDING NEGI-SENSEI! Aaaaaaaaaand there coming around for a climactic finish, folks! This is gonna be a big one…! YEEEEEEEEES! CAPTAIN SHOTACON AND NEGI-SENSEI HAVE WON THE MAHORA DERBY! It's been a long, hard ride for Captain Shotacon, but one look at that satisfied grin on her face and you can tell it's all been worth it!"

At that moment, however, just before Captain Shotacon could be presented with her award for victory, Tao Lingshen teleported onto the track and threw grenades everywhere.

Mad with grief, the Martian Mage from another timeline roared, "CHAAAAAAAAOOOOO! YOU WILL COME BACK TO MEEE, OR EVERYBODY DIES!"

Raising an eyebrow at this odd turn of events, Chisame glanced at the Fourth Wall and asked, "Villainous Breakdown much?"

Fortunately, however, a heroine was already on the scene!

Ayaka Yukihiro, in her disguise as Captain Shotacon, said, "You! I don't know who you are nor do I care, but those who threaten the lives of little boys – and also other innocent people - cannot be forgiven! COME NOW, VILLAIN, AND SHOW ME YOUR MOVES!"

Rising to the challenge in his freaked-out state, Tao Lingshen leapt into the air and tried to strike the Captain with a flying kick, but she evaded it effortlessly.

Hair dramatically billowing in the wind, Ayaka's fist was wreathed in golden flame as she seemingly teleported into the air, before bringing the hammer of divine boy-loving justice upon Tao's head.

"SHOTACON PUUUUUUUUNCH!"

The aftereffects were visible from orbit.