Out of Control

Chapitre Septimus: In Which Chachamaru Tries To Kill A Baby

This segment by Shadow Crystal Mage. Please do not drive, eat chips, drink beverages or operate heavy machinery while reading, as this could be fatal. You're doing it anyway? Well, your funeral…

"I would rather live in hell run by Filipinos than heaven run by {Go to Wikipedia and broaden your horizons}."

-President Manuel L. Quezon.

His wish has now come true, but the bastard managed to die before it did. Damn him.

It is a known and widely recognized fact that Chachamaru was the nicest weapon of mass destruction you could ever hope to meet. While other weapons of mass destruction might have cunningly hidden programming that let, say, bald guys with homo-erotic attractions to men in blue spandex and red shorts take control of them by saying "Aut Vincere Aut Mori", or somehow or other evilly take away their niceness and allow for this comic book reference to exist and take up space, Chachamaru had no such hidden programming. Her mothers were a mad scientist who was in solely for the science and probably wouldn't have known what to do with her afterward anyway, left to her own devices, and the other was a well-intentioned extremist who went out of her way to prevent bloodshed and was actually a pretty nice person, with strong morals. They saw no need for this "hidden programming" and "override command" foolishness, and merely showered Chachamaru with care, affection, and a bust-size most women would kill for. It says something of how well this method works that Chachamaru appreciated the first two, and didn't really care much about the last.

Everyone, however, has their failings, and Chachamaru was no exception. Philosophically, since to err is human, Chachamaru might be gladdened to hear she was meeting this criteria as well, but practically… . Huh? The word count is running? Okay, okay, getting back to the story…

Anyway, even Chachamaru had failings (*dodges the outraged weapons fire at these words*); although you'd probably need special scanning gear built by the Q to find them. One, however, was instantly apparent to anyone who had ever had children below the age of 10: Chachamaru, for all her worldliness, seeming maturity, and the fact she was regularly screwed by her primary adult care-giver and her first crush on a regular basis, was all of maybe two years old…with the accompanying emotional maturity thereof, regardless of her vocabulary and familiarity with screwing.

Ever stopped lavishing attention on a two year-old?

Chachamaru stood apart from her classmates as they all crowded around Project X while Negi went off to petition the master, and Asuna went off to stalk Negi. Her face was its usual self – impassive, but with a hint of a smile, a friend to all living things.

It could be quite reasonably pointed out robots were not alive

(dodges another attempt by Marq to slap him)

"Wow, her breasts are huge!" Haruna said, reaching over to honk them. "Chao and Hakase do good work."

No one has ever complimented me on my breastsChachamaru thought.

Chisame slapped her hands away. "Haruna! She's a minor! Don't go around doing perverted things to her, you'll scar her for life!"

No one has ever cared I'm a minor…

"I wonder what's taking Negi-kun so long?" Makie wondered. "It shouldn't take that long to ask Eva-sama a favor…"

Negi-sensei has never asked the master for anything on my behalf…

Something snapped.

It was official. Project X had to die.

Chachamaru nodded to herself and, because her creators were the kind to DO THE RESEARCH, she went online to research causes of infant mortality.

The pillow was a complete failure.

Chachamaru kept Project X's head smothered for a whole hour while everyone else went off to lunch. Project X giggled wildly at this at first, but after 45 minutes she finally stopped moving and lay still. After 15 more minutes to make sure, Chachamaru pulled the pillow back in satisfaction, checking her work.

Project X snored, somehow managing a snot bubble.

Chachamaru twitched.

"Project X," Chachamaru said, holding up the craft tool. "These are scissors. Would you please run around with them?"

When the scissors broke, Chachamaru decided that perhaps more historical methods would be needed.

Fuuka and Fumika stared as they watched Chachamaru walking away with Project X, the latter wearing a large diaper and a bonnet.

"Sister…" Fuuka asked.

"Hmm?" Fumika said.

"Why did Project X have a label around her neck labeled 'The Lindbergh Baby'?"

After they were cited for indecent exposure, Chachamaru decided that any sororicide she would attempt would involve Project X wearing a sweater.

"Child is not a male," Chachamaru pronounced. "By the laws of Sparta, I believe you are to be thrown over a cliff. Please watch your head."

Chachamaru threw Project X off the roof of the building as gently as possible. Just because she was trying to get rid of her competition was no cause for rudeness.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Project X cried.


Chachamaru looked over the edge. She paused.

"Oh dear. x-x-Marley-dono CrImSoNfLoWeR-x-xwill be quite distressed. Those rose bushes were hand grown…"

After a fruitless period, Chachamaru returned Project X to the room they were keeping her in to reassess her approach. The other robot was clapping happily, occasionally setting off knuckle bombs as she did so.

"No, no, Project X, we mustn't use explosives in a confined space," she chided. Noticing how dirty Project X had gotten, Chachamaru took her to the bathroom to get cleaned and attempt to drown her. Project X just laughed at the bubbles and how funny everything looked underwater.

As she dried Project X, once more surfing the internet for ways babies could die as Project X giggled and waved her arms about, she wondered maybe she should ask Ayaka her personal experiences. Perhaps she knew how to off a sibling? It had happened to her, after all.

As they stepped out of the bathroom, Chachamaru putting the diaper and sweater back on Project X, the door opened, and the panicked mass of class A entered.

"There she is!" Ayaka cried, and Chachamaru settled into a defensive stance. "Chachamaru-san!"

"WE'RE SORRY CHACHAMARU-SAN!" they all chorused. Chachamaru blinked.

"For what?" she asked.

"For leaving you to take care of Project X alone," Chizuru said. "I should have realized sooner. As punishment, I shall remove this Negi from between my–"

"NOT NOW, CHIZURU!" Ayaka cried.

"No, I wasn't-" Chachamaru tried to explain.

"You're a good big sister, taking care of Project X like that," Yuuna praised. "Wow, you even gave her a bath and everything!"

"Amalthea," Zazie said.

Everyone blinked. "ZAZIE SPOKE!" the twins chorused.

"It's an omen!" Konoka declared. "Project X is to be named Amalthea!"

"Isn't that from a unicorn movie?" Ako said.

"Amalthea it is, then!" Ayaka declared. She turned to the two robot girls. "Amalthea-chan, did you have fun with your Chachamaru-oneechan?"

"Chachamaru-oneechan!" Amalthea cried. She hugged Chachamaru. "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Everyone gasped. "Her first words!" Chao cried. "Tell me someone got that!"

Chachamaru, however, was blinking. "Sister?"

Chachamaru, as has been pointed out, has the emotional maturity of a two year-old. What happens when someone lavishes a two year-old with attention?

Hesitantly, she patted Amalthea on the head, prompting a purring sound. Everyone gushed at the cuteness.

Well, someone who made kitten sounds couldn't be bad. And she could always try to kill her later…