It's me AdorableEric! I am back! I am front! Disclaimers are silly but I can't afford to be sued at the moment…I just went to rehab, which, as you all know, is EXTREMELY costly.
Disclaimer: I don't own the Pythons…They own themselves. Anywhoodle, it is story time.
[Average British sitting room. Terry Jones is dressed up as a woman and Michael Palin is dressed as her husband. They are staring out the window at something you can't see so don't even bother.]
Voice Over (an American): Here we see an average British sitting room… as if I would know what an average British sitting room looks like…are you crazy? Of course I don't! I'm an American with rights and I ain't gonna be pushed around by no one! I'm arrogant and self-centered and I'm proud of it! [A loud explosion goes off. A new narrator begins]
New Voice Over (John): Er…sorry for the interruption. I mean, he couldn't possibly have known what a British sitting room looks like, now could he? Anyway, that last narrator was atomically bombed for your viewing pleasure. Now, let's get back to the story. Uh where were we? Ok, here it is. Here we see an average British sitting room. Mr. and Mrs. Our-Cat-Was-Sitting-Around-Not-Doing-Anything-But-Then-We-Had-Him-Confused-So-He's-All-Better-Now are looking out their sitting room window for one reason; their son.
[The doorbell rings. Mrs. Our-Cat-Was-Sitting-Around-Not-Doing-Anything-But-Then-We-Had-Him-Confused-So-He's-All-Better-Now goes to answer it. The vet arrives]
Vet (Graham): [to camera] What a nice sitting room. And very British too! Well done! [to those-people-whose-names-shant-be-typed-ever-again] Well hello there.
Mrs. Our-Cat-Was-Sitting-Around-oh f*ck it!: Are you the doctor?
Vet: Well I am a doctor of sorts, yes. How about we take a look at your cat who was just sitting around not doing anything but then who was confused by Confuse a Cat and who is now all better.
Mrs. …oh never mind: Well, we don't have a problem with our cat anymore. It's our son. [indicates window]
[close up on window. The You-Know-Who's son (Michael) is sitting in the grass of the back yard- er, garden sorry- facing away from the camera and wearing a schoolboy uniform.]
Vet: Well this isn't really my area of expertise.
Mrs. […]: Couldn't you please check? We need it to stop.
Vet: Well, what seems to be the problem? He's not a poof I hope.
Mrs. […]: Oh no doctor, nothing of the sort!
Vet: Oh good. For a moment I thought I was…[looks dramatically at the camera] too late!
Mrs. Bracket-Dot-Dot-Dot-Bracket: But you aren't! Can you just take a look at him?
Vet: Alrighty then
[Vet goes out to look at the-er-people's son. Screen goes black.]
Even Newer Voice Over (Eric): We interrupt this program to generally annoy you and make things very difficult and take a long time talking about something random such as why we are even interrupting in the first place. Thank you.
[Cuts to studio where a newscaster is sitting at a desk, reading the news aloud and just looking very official. He looks up.]
A Newscaster (Michael): Sorry to interrupt that interesting program but something interesting has just happened. This interesting thing is very interesting that we are going to tell you what it is right now. But before we do that we'd like to take an opportunity to tell you about something interesting that happened yesterday. Something interesting happened yesterday. Also, something interesting will happen tomorrow but we'll tell you about that tomorrow when we actually know what is so interesting about it. Now we will tell you about the interesting thing that is happening right now…well something interesting just happened but it is over now so we wont even bother with it. And now back to your very interesting program which is so interesting in fact that I think that I will also watch it along with you so if anyone would be kind enough to let me head 'round to their place and allow me to watch it with them it would be most kind, and very interesting.
[cuts back to sitting room. Vet is standing in front of the You-Know –Whose-es]
Vet: I'm afraid that that thing out there is NOT a cat!
Mrs: Well we know that! [Son walks in]
Son: Hey mom
Mrs: ….oh, hello son!
Vet: Yes, it was just a simple job for CONFUSE A CAT!
[black screen, white words]
Distract a Dragon
Dupe a Dog
Jack up a Jackelope
Hesitated a Hippo
Out of Sorts an Owl
Zany-Brain a Zebra
Dumbfound a Duck
Perplex a Panther
Disorient a Deer
Fluster a Fish
Mystify a Marmoset
Daze a Donkey
Muddle a Mammoth
Confound a Caterpillar
Surprise a Squirrel
Excite an Emu
Disorganize a Dolphin
Shush a Shrimp
Befuddle a Bunny
Choke a Chimp
Freak out a Frog
Flabbergast a Fly
Deceive a Dinosaur
Mislead a Mongoose
Trick a Turkey
Swindle a Serpent
Enthused an Eel
Disconcert a Dromedary
Agitate an Ape
[Cuts to Eric the News Guy]
Eric: *singing to the tune of Good Morning Baltimore*
Good Morning Norwaaaaay!
Everyday's like an open door!
Every night is a fantasy *winks*
Every sounds is like a symphony!
Good Morning Norwaaaaay!
And some day when I take to the floor
The world's gonna wake up and see
Norway and me!
Good morning Norway! I want to wish everyone I know a Happy Leif Erikson Day! Happy Leif Erikson Day, Mum! And now it's time for the news! Did you know that the word news actually stands for North East West and South? How cool is that? And now, over to Michael for Gardening. Mike?
[cuts to Michael standing in a garden]
Michael: Actually it's called Agriculture. Gardening is for girls.
[cuts back to Eric]
Eric: *taunting* which is why I called it Gardening.
[cuts to Michael. He rolls his eyes but prepares to go into his Gardening- er- Agriculture- lecture anyway when John from the ex parrot sketch walks into shot holding, you guessed it, an ex parrot.]
John: Excuse me Miss?
Michael: Arg! [storms off…which is to say he left in a huff, not with rainclouds over his head. A huff, which is to say in a heated sort of way, not like what the Big Bad Wolf did to the Three Little Pigs' houses. Heated not like being hot, but as in very upset. Not that he was knocked over which upset could mean, but more like mad. Mad as in angry, not like crazy. Although at this point he does seem a bit crazy now doesn't he, because it's not John's fault, he just has a cold and he couldn't possibly have known about how Michael's masculinity had just been questioned in a very insulting manner by a smug Eric]
John: [to a Michael who had already left the shot as previously stated] I'm sorry, I have a cold. [pause] Well, I'm not sleeping with that producer again.
[black screen. A voice over starts as the exact same words are being displayed on the screen.]
Voice Over (Jones): The BBC wishes to apologize to all that were subjected to the awfully long description about how Michael left in an angry manner. We did not intend for the description to get out of hand like that, but the description seemed to need a description and that one needed a description too and then that one and so on and so forth etcetera. Now tune in to your local radio station for a very important announcement.
[a radio sitting on a table is displayed. Pull out to reveal a sitting room. Two Pepperpots are there, one being John and the other being Graham. They are listening to the radio.]
Radio Voice (Jones): Now tune in to your local television station for a very important announcement.
[John and Graham stand, spin the couch around to face the TV, turn off the radio, turn on the TV, and sit down. The TV shows Jones standing with John holding the ex parrot in the same garden where Michael and John were in the previous sketch]
TV Voice (Jones): You have passed the stupidity test. You are now clear to begin the new sketch.
Pepperpot 1 (John): Look, a penguin is on the telly.
Pepperpot 2 (Graham): On the Gardening program?
Pepperpot 1: It's the Agriculture Program. And no, like literally on top of the set.
Pepperpot 2: Should I adjust it?
Studio Audience Voice Over: No! Do Not Adjust Your Set! *erupt into laughter*
[Pepperpots wait for the audience to quiet down and then start again]
Pepperpot 1: No, we probably could just watch it.
Pepperpot 2: Otherwise it could lay an egg.
Pepperpot 1: …unless it's male.
Pepperpot 2: Oh I hadn't thought of that!
Pepperpot 1: That's because you don't have a brain.
Pepperpot 2: Oh, I do too!
Pepperpot 1: No, now we have to go shopping for a new brain.
Pepperpot 2: Republic of the Union of Myanmar!
Pepperpot 1: …why did you say Republic of the Union of Myanmar?
Pepperpot 2: Because it isn't Burma anymore.
Pepperpot 1: No no no, I meant what's the point of saying it?
Pepperpot 2: …I panicked.
Pepperpot 1: That's it; I'm calling Pepperpot 3 to have her pick you up a new brain.
Pepperpot 2: *whiny* But I don't want one!
Pepperpot 1: No, you're getting a new one and that's final.
Pepperpot 2: Oh you're no fun anymore.
Camel Spotter: [runs in] Who said that? Who pinched my phrase?
Pepperpot 1: She did, she did!
Pepperpot 2: Oh, lies!
Camel Spotter: That's it!
[cuts to Pepperpot 2 tied up on the camel- er- train (sorry) track.]
Pepperpot 2: Help! Help!
Voice Over: Will Pepperpot 2 be saved? Will she get a new brain? Find out next chapter!