Sometimes, Varric thought that Hawke really was crazy.

Like now.

She'd come skipping into his room at the Hanged Man, ginger ringlets bobbing, carrying a…well.

"What…is that?" he asked. "Looks like some kind of crazy polearm."

"My new staff!" she said, and grinned. "It's disguised as an axe! I am totally undercover."

He took a long look at the object in question. It did have an axe blade at one end, that was true. "It's got stripes painted on half of it," he said.

"Stripes are in this year! Isabela said so."

"And it has a tassel." He watched said tassel swing back and forth as Hawke swung the staff around, showing it off. It looked vaguely as if Hawke had cut the tail off a horse and attached it to the haft—bloody stump and all. "An enormous tassel."

"Tassels are stunning. And you know it, Varric."

"So let me get this straight," he said, carefully. "You are hauling around the most fashionable polearm in Kirkwall, and you expect people not to realize it's a mage staff? Plus, you're wearing mage robes." Particularly garish mage robes; he was starting to suspect that Isabela didn't actually like Hawke very much. Every time the two of them went shopping, the mage came back looking slightly more ridiculous. "And you spend a lot of time hanging around the Gallows, singing a little song about 'la la la, it's fabulous to be an apostate'. Hawke, you are not subtle."

Andraste's ass, she was starting to pout.

He hated it when she pouted.

She was also sort of…hugging the staff. As if he had offended it. And her lower lip was trembling slightly.

Varric sighed, and relented. "All right. Yes, it's a wonderful staff. Very…disguised. Nobody will ever realize it's a mage staff."

Hawke's demeanor shifted from kicked-puppy to brilliant grin in a heartbeat. She made a little squealing noise and bounced on the balls of her feet. The staff's blade hit a nearby pillar, the edge leaving a deep gash in the wood. The mage utterly failed to notice. "I'm undercover! Wait until Isabela sees, she's going to love this."

She bounded out of the room. Varric buried his face in his hands.

"Guess it's time to go pay some more bribes," he muttered. She'd brought back some interesting stuff from her last trip to the Wounded Coast and given it to him to sell. With any luck, it would suffice to pay off the Knight-Captain.


"I think you and me are the only sane ones in this town," he told Bianca, reaching down to pat her stock fondly.

Though she did not speak, he knew she agreed.

Author's Note:

This was the result of a conversation on Dreamwidth about a mage staff that actually exists in the game, which has stripes, a tassel, and a giant axeon the end. I was a bit punchy because work has been rough this week, and, well...this happened.

And I'm not sorry. :)

Crazy!Hawke is fun to write. Maybe i'll do some more drabbles with her.