crack fic for a 'Fairytale' prompt, Goldilocks retold, Legend of the Seeker style


Once upon a time, three travellers were camping in the woods. In the morning they got up off their bed rolls and made some porridge for their breakfast.

Zedd, the Wizard warmed his porridge with Wizard's fire until it made a cloud of steam.

Kahlan, the Mother Confessor, blew on her porridge to cool it down.

Richard, the Seeker, tasted his porridge and pulled a face.

"This porridge is too plain," said Richard

"Let's go and pick some blackberries to go with it," said Zedd.

"I want to go swimming," said Richard.

"All right," said Kahlan. "We will swim while Zedd gets blackberries."

Kahlan pulled off her boots and left her daggers next to them, and went off to paddle.

Richard pulled off his shirt and wrapped the Sword of Truth in it, and went off to swim.

Zedd emptied the compass from his bag so he could collect blackberries in his bag. He left the compass by the base of a tree and went off to get berries.

The camp was left empty.


Now there was a blonde Mord'Sith named Cara. She'd left her sisters behind and gone for a walk in the woods. She was getting hungry and she smelt the porridge. She went to look for it.

Cara tasted Zedd's porridge. "This porridge is too hot," she said.

Cara tasted Kahlan's porridge. "This porridge is too cold," she said.

Cara tasted Richard's porridge. "This porridge is just right," she said. So she ate it all up.

Next Cara looked around the camp. She found the compass and studied it.

"This is a very boring object," she said and put it back.

Next she found the boots and the daggers. She liked the daggers, and ran one finger down the edge of a blade. It cut her finger.

"Ow! This is a dangerous object," she said and put the daggers back.

Next she found the shirt and unfolded it. She picked up the Sword of Truth.

"This is a very Powerful Object," she said and tucked in her belt next to her agiel.

Cara was tired after the porridge and thought she would take a nap before going back to her sisters. So she looked behind a bush and found the bedrolls, still left out on the ground.

She lay down on Zedd's bedroll.

"Ow, this bed is hard and lumpy. I think it is lying on rocks! I won't get any sleep on this bed."

So Cara moved over and lay on Kahlan's bedroll.

"Oh, this bed is so soft. I think it is lying on the softest grass in the woods. But I don't want to sleep so soundly I miss lunch with my sisters."

So Cara moved over and lay on Richard's bedroll.

"This bed is on a path of dry, warm earth. It is just right," she said and closed her eyes.


Zedd, with a bag full of blackberries, and a damp Kahlan and a very wet Richard all returned to the camp.

"The porridge!" cried Zedd. "Someone's been eating my porridge!"

"And mine," said Kahlan.

"And mine, and it's all been eaten up," said Richard sadly.

"Someone has been in our camp," said Kahlan. "Check your belongings!"

Zedd reached for the compass. It wasn't exactly where he'd left it, and a blonde hair was caught in the clasp.

"Someone was using the compass," Zedd yelled.

Kahlan picked up her daggers and noticed a tiny drop of blood on one of the blades.

"Someone was playing with my daggers," Kahlan said angrily.

Richard picked up his shirt.

"Someone has taken the Sword of Truth!" he yelled.

"Quiet!" Zedd said. "I think I hear someone."

He crept over to the bush and reached behind it.

"Someone has been lying on my bedroll. It is creased!" he said angrily.

Kahlan crept over to the bush too and reached out to touch her bedroll.

"Someone has been lying on my bedroll. They've made a dent in my soft grass," she said furiously.

Richard crept over and reached through the bush.

"Um, someone's been lying on my bedroll and they're still here," he said as he grabbed hold of Cara's hair.


Cara woke up when Richard grabbed her hair and she pulled away.

She jumped to her feet.

"Who are you?" she asked.

"I'm Zeddicus Zu'ul Zorander, Wizard of the First Order and you ate our porridge," said Zedd.

"I'm Kahlan Amnell, the Mother Confessor, and you messed up our bedrolls," said Kahlan.

"I'm Richard Cypher, the Seeker of Truth and you stole my sword," said Richard. "Give it back right now!"

Cara pulled out her agiel, but she was outnumbered, and a Confessor could easily overpower a Mord'Sith. She threw the Sword of Truth at Richard's feet.

"Thank you for the porridge," Cara said with a laugh and ran away as fast as her legs could carry her.