The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Invader Zim characters have gone off somewhere to cause some trouble. Since I have a lot of mini stories in my InvaderZ I've decided to put them into one larger fic to make it easier for me. Don't know where this is going but it will be fun getting there. Oh yes I do. It's going straight to madness. MADNESS! MADNESS PEOPLE! THIS IS JUST MADNESS!
Kind of Lost In Space
Chapter 1: Here There Be Idiots
"Captain Gaz's log," Gaz spoke to the computer in the spaceship she was flying. "Well I've made myself captain because I'm the only one around here with half a brain."
"Squeak!" Minimoose squealed as he floated next to Gaz. The tiny brown moose creature with no nose was rather miffed.
"Okay Minimoose, technically you do have a brain and you are smarter than most of the individuals on this ship," Gaz admitted. "Sorry. But the problem is you don't have opposable thumbs. That's kind of important to fly a ship with so…"
"Squeak," Minimoose accepted her apology.
"Well what about me? I'm not exactly chopped liver you know?" The Computer said. "I'm not stupid! I could be smart enough to be captain of this ship!"
"Computer, you are the ship," Gaz raised an eyebrow.
"Well I am now! Before I was downloaded into Zim's base and before that I was in Zim's Voot Cruiser," The Computer said. "And before that I used to be the main sorting and food packaging machine at a restaurant on Foodcourtia. Until of course Zim stole me and put me in his ship. Because his ship didn't have a computer because the Tallest took it from him after the little incident known as Operation Impending Doom I."
"You used to be a fast food computer?" Gaz blinked. "This explains a lot."
"Before you make any judgments before that I was the main diagnostic computer on the warship Missive Twenty Seven," The Computer huffed. "Until of course Operation Impending Doom I and after that I was sold by my captain to his old army buddy on Foodcourtia. Basically I was the only thing on my ship that survived the destruction and my captain needed some extra credits because his health care plan didn't cover disembowelments."
"I didn't ask for your stupid life story!" Gaz snapped.
"I'm just trying to point out that I am just as qualified to be a captain as you are and I am well versed in a variety of subjects!" The Computer snapped. "I'm not stupid! Just because I'm a machine doesn't mean I'm a mindless pile of screws and bolts and…"
"Oh for crying out loud!" Gaz groaned. "You know the only reason I don't dismantle you is the fact that I need you to keep things going right?"
"Oh yes. Everyone needs me but when I need them do I get the love and encouragement I deserve?" The Computer sobbed. "NO! I HAVE NEEDS TOO!"
"Moving on…If you are listening into this recording you have probably figured out that our computer has the emotional stability of Jell-O in a blender," Gaz groaned. "Which is slightly higher than that of my brother and Zim."
"All I want is a little love and understanding. Is that so much to ask?" The Computer sniffed.
"Okay let's just cut to the chase here and explain to anyone who hears this log that we are currently flying around in outer space after trashing Irk, Earth and a few other planets," Gaz sighed. "And it's only been less than two weeks since that happened. I am making these recordings in order to…"
"YOU ARE SUCH A BIG HEADED SMELLY SMELL!" Zim was heard yelling.
"WELL YOU ARE JUST A DORKY DORKWAD!" Dib yelled back. "WITH EXTRA TOPPINGS OF DORKNESS!"
"Let me introduce the two most annoying people in my life," Gaz grumbled. "One is my stupid idiot brother Dib who is actually an imperfect clone of my father who was never exactly perfect in the first place. The other is Zim, and alien invader that is so stupid an annoying his leaders gave him a fake mission to conquer the Earth. Between the two of them their insanity led to a very real invasion of Earth."
"TAKE THAT ZIM! OWWW!" Dib yelled.
"YOU TAKE THAT DIB! OWWWWW!" Zim screamed.
"It's also worth noting that for some weird reason my brother and Zim are physically and psychologically bonded," Gaz asked. "Even though they are two completely different species. On the other hand they are both almost exactly the same personality wise and are equally annoying which I guess counts for something."
"OW! OW! OW! OW!" Both were heard screaming.
"Basically both Dib and Zim feel each other's pain which to be honest is a bit of a timesaver for me," Gaz went on. "Just have to hit one of them to beat them both up."
"YEOW!" Both were heard screaming at the same time.
"Or they just beat each other up which helps me out as well," Gaz added. "Kind of funny actually. Only good thing about this stupid trip. That and the stuff we stole."
"I'M RIDING A PIG!" Gir whooped as he rode in on Piggy the Pig.
"So in addition to the flying moose and the computer with emotional issues there's my insane brother who keeps drifting back and forth between whiny and psychotic," Gaz went on. "The stupid robot and the even stupider alien we have a pig. That last one seems to be one of the more intelligent as well as clean members of this little gang of maniacs. The only reason I don't throw them all out the air lock is that I need them to do my dirty work for me."
"ZIM DON'T TOUCH THAT BUTTON! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT DOES!" Dib yelled.
"DO NOT TELL ZIM WHAT TO DO! ZIM KNOWS EVERYTHING!" Zim yelled.
The ship suddenly lurched to the side and a loud explosion was heard. "Everything except HOW TO FLY A SPACESHIP!" Dib yelled.
"However I am considering putting an ad in some kind of intergalactic paper as soon as I can figure out how to do that," Gaz winced as the ship fixed itself.
"I'm so happy to be naked!" Gir got off Piggy and started to dance. "Do the Naked Dance!"
"Way to go Zim you nearly flew us into a sun!" Dib snapped.
"Zim meant to do that!"
"Suurreee he did," Dib said sarcastically. "NOT!"
"I'm the one that's actually flying the ship but does anyone thank me?" The Computer muttered. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Is it so much to ask that I get a little recognition around here? A simple, 'Good Job Computer' or 'Thanks for not letting us die a horrible death'. It that too much to ask?"
"I think it is also worth mentioning that I have now officially named this spaceship the Doom Ship," Gaz added. "For obvious reasons."
"DIE DIB! NOT IF YOU DIE FIRST ZIM! OWWWW!" Both boys could be heard screaming and fighting in the next room.
"I am the captain of this ship of fools," Gaz groaned. "Great. Where's a black hole when you need one?"
And so the madness begins! Again!