I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters.

A little piece that came to me randomly a while back. I blame the overuse of parentheses, italics and hyphens and general craziness on Bella's disturbed frame of mind. You can follow my lead if you like. Whether you like it or loathe it, please review!


What have I done?

Nothing, nothing: you kill people all the time, Bella. Why should this be any different?

He was never my favourite cousin (but then, neither was Regulus). I hated him, hated his views, his opinions, everything. Hanging around with those freaks all the time – the cowardly little rat (now a Death Eater, of course), the werewolf, and James Potter. What was he thinking? (What were you thinking, Bella? What's your excuse?)

I'm not jealous of James and Sirius. Am not. I was never jealous. I just…I just think it's unfair that he got to have friends, and I was always on my own! Alone, even with a husband. Sirius left me to a life of being lonely! Didn't he know – didn't he ever realise that I needed him? Shut up, I never needed him, that's a stupid thing to say. I've been acting ridiculous lately. He would have said I act ridiculous all of the time. And I would have cursed him, screamed at him, hexed him and then I'd have just bandaged him up. Good as new. Because really: what're a few broken bones between cousins? Maybe a little, maybe a lot.

Why did he have to go and die? I wasn't trying to kill him. No, I was. I always wanted to kill him. I did too! No – oh God – how could I have meant it? It was a Stunning spell, surely. Just a little Stunning spell. And then the veil. (Oh, that stupid veil. Couldn't it have told me it was going to take him away?)

And then he died, just like that. I've never thought about death as instantaneous. (They have, though.) My favourite way to kill people is slow. That way, they beg and plead and cry and scream. They speak. They don't just die.

Oh, why did he disappear? Perhaps it was an illusion. Yes, that sounds right. That sounds right for him. (He was always a trickster, was Sirius.) Maybe he just went through – went right through that veil and Disapparated when he came out the other side. He's just trying to make me feel bad, as usual. He's trying to make me upset, thinking I killed him. Silly Sirius. I'm not upset. I'm annoyed. I didn't get to torture him, did I? You didn't want to. Oh yes, I did!

Secretly (he never told me anything, did he?), he's laughing at me. I know it. He's sitting somewhere nice, drinking too much Firewhiskey, laughing at me. HOW DARE HE? No one laughs at me! No one makes a fool of Bellatrix Black – oh. I meant Lestrange. Of course I meant Lestrange. (You always mean Lestrange, don't you, Bella?)

I don't think – I can't – I'm not mad.

(Oh yes, you are.)

Shut up.