Written by Milie (Loverly Souris)
o0o o0o o0o
! Warnings ! The following one-shot contains yaoi (it is probably badly written, but it's my first attempt, so...), Stockholm Syndrome!Lithuania (uhm...), OOCness, confusing thoughts and actions, switching POVs and presumably a lot of typos and grammar mistakes...
Apart from this, I hope you'll like it. :)
o0o o0o o0o
IVAN: I knew this day would come. I could feel it in my bones. Though I had never thought that it would arrive this fast.
"Sir. I have to talk to you." Your words lacked their usual weakness, you were as determined as you had never been before.
"What is it, Lietuva?" I asked, although I knew perfectly well what you wanted. My voice was dull, a bit hoarse. Our role changed – for once, you were the one controlling me. Your usual kindness was put aside. You wore the mask of cold indifference.
I didn't like it at all.
You paused, but only for a second, seemingly trying to find the right words. You still didn't want to make me mad by being too straight-forward. "I want to leave this house" you said finally. And my heart skipped a beat at the pressure of your words.
I couldn't bring myself to look at you, so I continued to stare out of the window at the night sky. I couldn't bring myself to say anything for a long minute, until the silence finally grew too uncomfortable. "Then leave."
Even without looking, I could tell that you flinched behind me. You didn't move an inch, you didn't release a sound. I became impatient. "What is it, Lietuva?" I asked again, my voice filled with much more malice than I wanted. "Why don't you go already?"
"S-sir..." That annoying meekness of yours appeared again, but I didn't care anymore.
"I knew that you are going to be the first one to leave me" I said, still not looking at you. "You seem to be obedient and resigned, but I know that you're craving for your independence. You want to be free. All of you, but especially you, Lietuva."
I turned and looked at you. You stood there, eyes cast downwards, head slightly tilted. Your temporary determination crashed immediately. I thought about everything you had endured here, in this house that held you captive – all the rude words, all the sleepless nights, all the beatings and torture. And I had to admit I could understand why you wanted to leave.
I just didn't want to let you go. Not yet.
"I'm... I'm sorry, sir" you whispered, as though you had nothing better to say. I knew you weren't sorry. I knew you hated me – it was just in your nature not saying or showing it. I was the subject of your suffering, the incarnation of all your nightmares. What else could you feel for me other than hatred?
"Go!" I shouted, and you backed away slightly from me, still avoiding my glance. "I don't want to see you again!"
Finally, you looked up. Something shone in you emerald eyes, not hatred, not disgust, not happiness.
"Don't look at me that way!" I turned around again and my eyelids dropped defensively, but I could never remove your picture burnt in my memory. Those eyes, those remarkable, sweet green orbs...
The knowledge that you were going to leave hurt me in a strange new way. Like a part was cut out from my heart and replaced by heavy emptiness. Even if you hated me, the thought that you were always here with me was so natural, so calming. Even if I tortured you, almost killed you several times, you stayed – not that you could have gone away, but you didn't even try to run. Your brothers tried, more than once, but you didn't. You stayed even if you had more scars on your back than anybody.
You deserved your freedom. You suffered for it. You should go away.
I should be able to let you go.
That was when you touched me for the very first time after so many years spent with me. I could feel your hesitation, and then your hand was on my shoulder. I trembled. Your delicateness ignited something deep within me, something that started to consume the remains of my weary heart, a heat, a sweet, magnificent heat mixed with bitterness. It was bitter because I knew that you'd never touch me again, neither like this, nor in any other way. My eyes slowly opened.
I didn't want you to leave.
You were waiting for my reaction, but since I didn't give any, you removed your fingers from my shoulder. "I'm sorry" you said, a tad more determinedly than before, but I still couldn't believe you. I couldn't believe anything anymore.
I continued to stand there, absorbed by my feelings, then I turned to grab you, to lock you into my arms, to keep you here by my side. But as I couldn't see you, I realized it was too late. You disappeared.
And I never heard you leaving the room.
o0o o0o o0o
TORIS: Was it panic that flashed in your violet eyes when you shouted at me? Why were you panicked? You looked like a child whose toy is taken by the cruel adults. You wanted to say something, I could tell. Yet I'd never get to know what you wanted.
Tomorrow morning, I was going to leave. My luggage was packed, my train ticket was bought. The plan was easy: I would go to Vilnius, my real home and declare myself and everyone in my country independent from the Soviet Union. From you.
As easy as it sounded, something clenched my heart at the thought nevertheless.
I silently entered the room that I shared with my brothers. They were both sound asleep already. Leaving them seemed unfair, but I knew they were going to be alright. I believed that they would follow me soon, just like everyone else in this big house. Everyone wanted freedom – they only needed someone who was willing to take the first step towards it.
I quietly changed into sleeping clothes and laid down onto my side of the large bed. I had to sleep, so that tomorrow would arrive faster, so that I could live my own life in my own homeland. But sleep was late.
I thought about you. I recalled your expressions – when you were mad, when you were calm, your happiness, your sadness. I thought about our discussion, that strange emotion I had never seen on your face before. That panic.
Were you panicked because I decided to leave?
Maybe your selfish side was worried that after I left, the others would indeed follow me. You didn't want to be without subordinates, without anyone you could order around. But maybe it was your good side. Yes, I believed you had a good side too, just like everybody. Maybe you were panicked because you simply didn't want to be left here, in this big mansion. Alone.
I closed my eyes and covered my face with my hands. Others, especially Feliks usually scolded me for seeing only the good side of the people. But somehow, I felt it. You were screaming inside. Your biggest fear was loneliness.
Maybe that was what you wanted to tell me. That you didn't want me to leave.
But for once in my life, my selfishness was stronger. You were right, I was craving for my independence. You were rude to me often, though I might have forgiven you that. I knew your past. However, you didn't stop – I could still feel your drunken breath in my nose, the way your whip ruined my back, drawing scars in my skin and in my heart that could never be removed. I couldn't take that anymore. I could hardly stand when you hurt me.
I sighed. I should hate you. You did everything for that. But then why couldn't I?
Because I didn't hate you, I knew that in the depth of my heart. The others who lived in your house despised you passionately behind your back, even Raivis, who had never shown hatred before. But I saw you, the real you behind the cold, cruel, dangerous façade, that tired, desperate, broken you. That was why I had never tried escaping, unlike the others.
Until now. Although this couldn't be considered as escaping. Could it?
o0o o0o o0o
IVAN: When I stepped into your room, I immediately spotted you on the left side of the bed. You were sleeping soundly, both of your hands near your cheek on the pillow. I walked there, my glance never losing you.
Were you really going to leave me? Almost as they tried to mock me, I saw your prepared bags in the corner. You could have gone away already. I just didn't know why you stayed for this night. To hurt me even more?
I couldn't sleep, so I came to see you. One last time. I thought it would be enough just to watch you silently in the dark, your sweet, peaceful expression. But my hand moved on its own accord, and before I could realize, I was touching you.
First I traced the lines in your palm with a light, lingering stroke. Your fingers curled weakly reacting to my touch, and I smiled. I went down and felt your calm pulse, the beating of the vein that connected to your heart.
Then I reached up to your cheek, following an invisible route to your slightly parted lips. I felt your soft breathing on the tip of my index finger, as I caressed your mouth, suddenly wanting more and more. To my surprise, a quiet moan left your lips. It allured me to you like a strong magnet, it stirred my feelings to the point that I couldn't think straight anymore. One single coherent thought emerged from the chaos in my head, one that seemed to haunt me all evening since our talk.
That I didn't want you to leave.
I bent down, pulled the covers off you and gathered you into my arms. You could call me selfish, you could call me anything bad, I didn't care. You let out another groan, but didn't wake up, fortunately. I wanted to wake you myself.
I walked to the door with you and left the bedroom to go into another one, much farther from here. You didn't stir from your dream and from that ghost of a smile on your lips, I presumed you never wanted. I wondered what you were dreaming about, but immediately felt a pang in my heart. Whatever your dream was, it naturally didn't include me.
I had no idea when I became this attached to you. Probably just this evening, when you told me you would leave. Maybe yesterday, maybe a month ago. Maybe I depended on you the entire time without even noticing. I only knew that if I let you go now, you'd never come back.
So this was my one and only chance to make you stay.
I opened the door of one of the several guestrooms in the house and manoeuvred ourselves in. It was much more comfortable than my own room, and also kind of isolated from the other parts of the mansion. I laid you down carefully onto the soft bed and watched you turn onto your stomach immediately and burrow your beautiful face into the pillow, searching for the warmth of a blanket. I joint you soon.
I brushed away your brown hair and leant to kiss the exposed skin of your neck softly, one of my hands resting on your back. I felt you tremble underneath my fingers and I smiled. I would make you stay. Surely I would.
My hand slowly wandered down until it reached the hem of the shirt you were wearing. It crept under the material to touch you freely. I could make out the lines of the scars I had cut into you and ran my fingers gently across them, promising to kiss them better as soon as the annoying clothing was removed. But now, I could only stroke them.
You still didn't wake up, or just pretended to be sleeping. I pulled my hand out, but never lifted my head away from your nape. I felt almost ashamed for wanting you to be awake, when you slept so deeply, first in a long time, I supposed. However, I wanted nothing more than to see your shining eyes, to hear you sweet voice again, to stay with you forever.
Would you stay if I asked you? Probably not. No matter how you reacted to my touch, you still hated me with all your soul. You wouldn't stay, even if I begged you on my knees. Even if I put a gun to my head.
My heart clenched in pain and despair. What if I couldn't make you stay with gentleness? What if you'd laugh and leave anyway? Should I keep you by my side with fear or with kindness? Which one was the more effective?
Before I could choose, my mind was clouded with pessimism. What if you'd take gentleness as an encouragement? As a goodbye-present? In that case, threatening you would make you so scared of me again that you'd stay.
And if that was the price of keeping you here forever, then it had to be paid.
So I dipped my teeth into your delicate flesh.
o0o o0o o0o
TORIS: A shot of pain in the back of my neck woke me and I opened my eyes wide, letting a small cry leave my lips which was finally muffled by a pillow. Teeth. How strange, whose teeth were these, I couldn't remember...
Suddenly, someone grabbed my hair and forcefully pulled it to lift my head. It hurt, hurt so much I yelped, now without anything to weaken my voice. Tears gathered in my eyes.
"S-stop..." I groaned painfully and then, I heard your voice, so close to my ear, your breath tickling my skin.
"I'm not going to let you go" you whispered menacingly. I stared in front of myself. You had never been so cruel, so violent to me before, even when you tortured me the most, mainly because you never touched me then. And I immediately spotted another major difference between this situation and the others.
You weren't drunk now. And that meant you knew perfectly well what you were doing to me.
You took my earlobe into your mouth and bit it, sending torrents of pain through my body again. "Please..." I begged, but you didn't want to hear me.
I tried to gather enough energy to reach you and push you away, but before I could do anything, you stopped toying with my ear and straddled me. My heart skipped a beat from fright as I felt you grabbing my wrists and holding them single-handedly, while you fumbled with something I couldn't see. You then tied a piece of long leather strap around my hands and tightened it, making me unable to move my arms. My mouth dried and I paled. It was your belt.
I started to wiggle myself free, I kicked with my legs. No use. Under your weight, anything I tried was in vain. I should have screamed, even if I knew from earlier that it might have terrible consequences. I could hardly give out a sound though, my throat, my vocal cords decided not to function properly. I had to give up. I was in your hands. Literally.
You reached to my chest and unbuttoned my shirt, pulling it down until the belt allowed. One of your hands remained there, your surprisingly sharp nails cutting purple marks around my nipples. Mingled with the awkward pain and embarrassment, some other emotion ran through my body as you once or twice caressed me accidentally with the tip of your finger. That emotion was not bad, making me let out a coarse sigh, and I immediately felt ashamed. But little did I know that it was only the beginning.
With your other hand, you traced the lines on my back. There were old scars as well as fresher ones that started healing not long ago. You were teasing these, so gently first that I let myself relax for a second, only to tense up again when you clawed with your nails into one of the biggest and most sensitive wound and peeled the almost healed skin away in a single movement of your hand. I screamed in pain as blood slowly started to drip from the opened gash.
"Shh..." you muttered into my ear, covering my mouth with your hand. "Hush now. We don't want the others to hear us, do we?"
Your deep voice sent shivers down my spine. Shivers of fear – but shivers of pleasure as well, to my discomfort. Tears flowed down on my cheeks, wetting your hand, although it didn't seem to move you. Quite the contrary. I could almost see you smirk with satisfaction.
I opened my mouth to bite you so that you released me, but you acted faster than me again and removed your hand. Somewhere inside me, a little spark of hope glittered that you finally had enough, you'd let me go and I could leave, you, this place, everything. But no. You had even worse things in mind.
You pulled down the shorts I was sleeping in and positioned yourself onto my legs to take a better look at my now entirely bare rear. I was disgusted and scared to the point that I even forgot to use my newly retrieved voice and shout for help, or to turn myself and try to break free from you. I was paralysed. I was incapable of doing anything except trembling.
Then you bent forward, practically laid on top of my sore back, opening more wounds by doing so. You grabbed my hair again and pulled it, making my head turn to the right. The material of the pillow drank in my salty tears as you forced my mouth open and pushed three fingers past my lips so deep in that I immediately felt sick. I gagged, trying to keep myself from vomiting.
"Lick them. Properly" you ordered and I desperately closed my eyes. What? Why?
Nevertheless, I did what you said, even if I could barely move my tongue. I heard you sigh huskily as I licked your fingers one by one, caressing them smoothly, coating them with saliva. Some of the liquid escaped through the corner of my mouth and lazily flowed down on your hand. With my eyes closed, your moans touched my core even more, so I opened them for reminding myself of the reality.
When you finally decided it would do, you pulled out your fingers from my mouth and reached for my bottom. My breath hitched with the sudden realisation, but I didn't move. Your weight pinned me down. I had already stopped fighting. I had already given up.
You found my entrance and forced all the three fingers inside at once. The pain this movement caused me was unbearable. Your other hand found its place on my mouth again as I cried out much louder than ever, so my voice was muffled a bit, but I continued to whine nevertheless, like a tortured dog. And that was how I felt like exactly.
As you were pushing your fingers more and more inside, my voice was punctuated by small sobs and blunt pleas, but you never stopped. No, moreover, seemingly taking pleasure in my suffering, you bent to my neck and slowly attacked it with your teeth, creating a long path of slightly bleeding marks cloaked in butterfly kisses. However, that tiny gentleness disappeared under the cruelty of your other actions, so I could only feel the pain, which was much more intense than before.
I wanted to drop dead at that very moment, half naked, hands tied back, bleeding, messy. I wanted the world to end so that you would leave me alone. I wanted you to disappear, because I could feel that no matter how violent your touches were, the sensation went straight to my groin as I slowly got accustomed to the pain and I could feel its evidence poking into the soft mattress underneath our bodies.
One last thrust and you removed both of your hands. You straightened up, your weight on my legs eased a little, so I took advantage of it and somehow managed to make you lose your balance and fall down from the bed to the floor. I had no idea how I could do that, but I had no time to wonder. Before you could react anything, I was already by the door of the adjoining bathroom, clumsily opened it and hid myself from you in the room. Luckily, there was a lock above the knob.
However, I knew that a simple door like this couldn't hold you up too long, so I didn't feel perfectly safe. I turned my back to the cool wood and slowly lowered myself to the floor. With my newly found strength, I freed my hands from the belt and sighed deeply, tears still flowing down on my face. It hurt everywhere.
I glanced down and flinched. No matter how fiercely I tried to deny that I enjoyed you actions, I couldn't fool my own body – my excitement was still very prominent in my erection. I hated this response. It wasn't normal, and yet... it was.
While shaking with sobs, my fingers curled around myself in order to get rid of the embarrassing evidence.
o0o o0o o0o
IVAN: As soon as you slipped through my fingers, I knew that I made a terrible mistake.
Your warmth was gone with you and I felt numb. Like the sunshine was shaded from the sunflower. I became empty without your presence, burnt out, worthless. Everything felt cold without you.
I could hear you crying on the other side of the bathroom door. I had never cared about your tears – they could never move me, and you had slowly started to hold them back. Your sobs and begs hadn't reached my heart when you were underneath me not so long ago either. But now, as I listened to you and pictured your painful expression, it all started to dawn to me.
I had just made you cry much more than even after the cruellest of tortures.
I shakily stood up holding onto the edge of the bed. I stared at the place you had been laying – sweat and blood painted abstract shapes onto the whiteness of the sheets among the wrinkles from which I could still vaguely trace out your small figure. The pillow was wet with your tears and littered by your hair. It looked like a battlefield.
You were in pain there. No matter that I could sometimes catch some moans or sighs from you, you had been crying the whole time. You suffered much more than ever.
And for once in my life, I truly didn't want you to suffer.
I limped to the door and laid my hand onto the wood. It was too much. My already broken heart was gradually falling apart with each and every cry I heard, and I knew that I had taken the wrong path for keeping you here with me. You craved for gentleness. And I craved for you.
Your voice hitched and slowly died away until I only heard some soft sniffles. My legs gave in, I dropped to the floor onto my knees, dipping my fingers into the carpet, leaning my forehead against the door. "I'm sorry" I whispered again.
I felt pathetic. The wounds I caused could never be healed with simple apologies. All the terrible things I had done to you – I regretted them, because I knew they would only sweep you farther and farther from me. And by the time I'd regain my consciousness, something much greater than a simple door would separate us.
"Toris..." I had never used your human name before – it felt strange on my tongue, blasphemous, like a prayer on the lips of an atheist.
I wanted you to know that I regretted everything. I wanted you to know that I had only hurt you because I was scared you would leave me. But I would do anything to correct my mistakes so that you forgave me.
However, I knew that you wouldn't. Even I could never forgive myself, how could I require your forgiveness? I knew this was too much for you, your kind heart. It would only be natural if you left me, and I would deserve it. The perfect punishment for my sins.
Suddenly, the door opened and I looked up.
My first thought was that you were like an angel. You almost lit up the half dark room merely with your warm presence. You were still trembling slightly from all the crying and your cheeks were wet with your tears, the area around your eyes a bit red and puffy. You gazed down at me with no emotion on your face and yet, you indeed looked like a heavenly creature that descended only to save the wasted soul of a monster.
You reached down and, to my utter surprise, touched my cheek with a light, gentle stroke. "Don't cry, sir" you said softly, brushing away the shimmering traces. When did I start crying? I didn't even notice. And why did you call me "sir"? Did you still respect me this much after what I had done to you?
I watched you for a long second, silently begging you to show some feelings so that I knew what you were thinking, but after a while, I couldn't wait anymore. I straightened up and hugged you to me by your waist, burying my face into your bare abdomen. Tears continued to glide down on my cheek. It had been such a long time since I cried.
Your fingers found their way into my hair, caressing my head with a sweet care that I had never deserved. You held the back of my neck with your other hand, your thumb soothingly playing with the light baby-hair on my nape. I closed my eyes. I felt like I was dreaming.
We remained like this for minutes that seemed eternity, neither of us wanting to interrupt the moment. Yet finally, I was the one who broke the silence. "Why are you so good to me...?"
You didn't answer immediately, instead you sank down to the floor to me and leant your forehead to mine, closing your emerald eyes. A pale smile, similar to that one I had seen when you were sleeping, appeared on your lips as you spoke, "I know you are not as evil as you seem. Not nearly." You cupped my face with your hand and I leant into your palm. "You are just scared of loneliness. But don't worry, sir. I'm here."
I didn't deserve your kindness, your care, your forgiveness.
I didn't deserve you.
"Will you stay then?" I asked and you opened your eyes. You were smiling – but sadness lurked in the depth of those two greenish ponds.
You wouldn't stay.
"Yes. I will."
You might have seen the doubt on my face, because you leant even closer adding, "I won't leave you." And then, you chastely brushed your lips to mine. As a holy seal of your promise.
For a second, I froze. Your warm mouth... it was an entirely new feeling. Bittersweet, silky and hard, calm, yet passionate, modest, but demanding. Promising and desperate. You still didn't release my face, but you wrapped your other arm around my neck when you felt I wouldn't pull away. I'd rather die than pull away. This was my dream. So I responded properly to your kiss.
By the time we were out of breath and parted, my heart was beating hundred times faster and I immediately desired more of your gentleness. But before leaning in for another taste from your lips, a small plea left me in a soft whisper, "Please, don't leave me, Toris..."
Maybe you wanted to say something, maybe you didn't, I'd never know, because before you could react, I had already captured your mouth again. My left hand went up and functioned as a pillow under your head as I leant you back to rest against the door comfortably while I deepened the kiss, caressing your tear-stained cheek with my free fingers. My eyelids fell heavily and from that on, I could only feel your warmth and your scent. Both made me dizzy, both made me crave for you more and more and more, closer, harder, more...
I stroked your lips with my tongue, humbly and patiently asking for entrance into the cave of your mouth. You gave the permission gladly and greeted me with a smile. You were much sweeter inside, you tasted like honey and cranberry, pure like an angel, untouched, tender and sacred.
Our tongues started to dance, slowly at first and then gradually more passionately with each second. You moaned against my mouth with genuine pleasure that was not corrupted with fear or pain this time. It sent shivers down on my spine, so I increased the pace to hear that voice again and again. And the more I heard it, the surest I became that I'd never let you go.
Although we slowly ran out of oxygen again, both of us wanted to hold on for as long as we could, so you pulled me closer to you, hugging my neck with your other arm too. But finally it was you as well who chuckled absently against my lips and broke away with a gasp. Your quick panting tickled my skin.
"I'm sorry" you said sheepishly, blushing under my gaze, but I didn't answer. Instead, I closed that short distance between us again, placing a lingering kiss on your mouth before wandering away, touching your face everywhere with a gentleness I could never imagine myself being capable of feeling. The corner of your lips, the tiny wrinkles drawn by your smile... Your cheeks, your temple... Your closed eyes, the long eyelashes, the thin eyebrows... Your forehead, your nose, and your mouth again... I memorised each and every detail, each and every line, while the noises you let out engulfed my core, urging me to take you there on the floor, that instant. But I had to be patient. I was not allowed to make another mistake, not now, when I finally knew what to do.
I bent down a bit to reach your neck, and followed the still slightly red path down to your collarbone. You were trembling more intensely, but never asked me to stop, so I continued down on your chest until I reached your nipple. As a silent apology for the torture I caused the small bud earlier, I carefully took it into my mouth and let my tongue run over it again and again until I was sure even the memory of the pain was gone. My left hand that was still between the back of your head and the door suddenly fell when you arched away from the wood, leaning closer to me with your entire upper body. I could feel you bury your face into my hair and your arms tightening around my shoulders as you muttered something mixed with the sounds of pleasure. I didn't understand what you said, but I could clearly catch one thing – my name. You whispered my name.
I loved how my given name sounded on your sweet lips and I wanted to hear it more. I smiled against your skin. I hoped I would hear it more.
I wandered then to tease the other nipple while my left hand took the place of my mouth. Now, with my free right hand, I reached down to your thighs. I massaged the muscles slowly in small circles for a long time – maybe for too long, as I suddenly heard you groan impatiently and felt your hand around my wrist, guiding me to your member.
The hardened flesh was pulsing under my touch, making me lose that tiny spark of mind left. I didn't care. There was no need for thinking, it would confuse everything anyway. You were there with me, and that was the most important. You were there, still hiding your face, but my hair couldn't muffle those sweet sighs that escaped from your lips. I could feel your heated body getting taken over by the euphoria, so I slowed the strokes down to calm you. This was only the beginning, we didn't need to rush.
Tiny pearls of milk white liquid moistened my fingers when I caressed your length one last time thoroughly from the base to the tip, and then let you go, smiling as you released a sound of displeasure. I stopped teasing your nipples as well simultaneously and reached up to remove your face from my head. Although it wasn't that easy. You just wouldn't move.
"Toris" I said softly, but on a slightly demanding tone. You pretended you didn't hear me. "Toris, look at me."
Tilting my neck, I pressed a single butterfly kiss encouragingly onto that small bulge on your throat. "I want to see your face."
You hesitated for a moment, then gave up and lifted your head from mine. I straightened to be on the same level as you and I smiled. Tears flowed down on your face, but I could tell they weren't brought out by sorrow. Your eyes glittered like two huge emeralds, partly from the wetness pooling on your eyelashes, partly from the pleasure that still made your body tremble. Your cheeks were red, your mouth was slightly open and swollen, ready to be kissed again. I brushed your brown hair behind your ear, stroking your face. "You are beautiful."
Maybe it sounded like a cliché. Of course everybody would say this in a similar situation. But really, I couldn't think of a better word to describe you at that moment. My vocabulary had evaporated earlier with that small piece of mind, though my inability to express myself properly didn't change the fact that you were beautiful, as beautiful as an angel. My angel.
You smiled as if you didn't believe me.
I kissed you again, softly, while I somehow managed to lift you in my arms and stand up, never leaving your lips. You let out a small laugh as you felt my attempts to steady ourselves and not to drop you, since my legs seemingly had grown numb meanwhile. Nevertheless, I brought you to the bed and laid you down tenderly, breaking the kiss and smiling at the déjà-vu feeling. However, contrary to the last time not even an hour ago, I perfectly knew which path I would take.
o0o o0o o0o
TORIS: Could this be really happening? Could a person change so much in practically a blink of an eye?
When we'd been still separated by the door and I could only hear your voice, full of panic and remorse, I had thought that you'd been only playing. After all it was a piece of cake for you to change your tone and choose your words wisely according to the situation. I had no idea why I believed you after all. I could have stayed behind the door for the rest of my life, away from you, leaving you there.
But I hadn't. I'd come out.
And I had to admit I was glad doing so. Even if your voice and words had been lying, your lavender eyes wouldn't have fooled me. They'd reflected the same panic as earlier this evening when I'd announced I would leave. And they'd been moist with tears, something I had never seen before. You'd been crying.
I knew that you'd not be able to feign crying, no matter how hard you wanted, you were much prouder than that. I was sure you hadn't even been aware of your tears, only as I'd reached down to brush them away. I hadn't cared, I didn't care. I just knew that you hadn't been lying when you'd said you were sorry.
Your good side won over your bad side. Your good side in which I had always believed.
I watched you and you watched me silently for a long moment. Normally it'd feel good, doing nothing but staring at each other without saying any words, only our eyes talking. However, now, I was on the verge of going mad. Under your soothing amethyst gaze, my heart was beating as fast as I was running and the butterflies in my stomach never ceased to flutter ever since the first time you'd said my name.
I loved the way you pronounced my name. No one had ever called me Toris more beautifully than you.
I ached for your touch. It was hard to believe, but I really did. You must have seen the lust in my eyes, because you smiled at me again and bent down from your sitting position to place your lips back onto mine. Your kiss was tender, just like the others you had given me. I had no idea that you were able to be so innocent. Not after what you had almost done to me.
I had succeeded in pushing those pictures away while being on the floor with you, but now, as we were laying on the bed again in a similar position as earlier, the ghost of the pain down there came back to haunt me and my heart clenched in fear, no matter how gentle you were at that moment. I flinched and you lifted your head slightly away from me. "What is it, Toris?" you asked softly.
My name on your tongue somehow managed to make the pain go away. "Nothing" I smiled and bent closer for another kiss.
Meanwhile, you laid down totally onto the bed next to me, never breaking the contact, then you grabbed me and pulled me onto you so that I was on the top. I supported myself with my elbows while your hands wandered on my torso, slipping under the material of my stained shirt. Your caresses on my skin sent shivers down on my spine, torrents of sweet passion that made me light-headed, yet weren't enough to satisfy my thirst. This overwhelming desire – I had never felt anything like that before. It made me forget about everything – who I was, where we were, what I wanted. No. I knew what I wanted.
I perfectly knew...
I hugged your shoulders and pulled you up into a sitting position again, straddling your lap, deepening the kiss. You smirked at my eagerness, but I didn't care how it must have looked like. Your hands touched my shoulders and with a smooth motion, you slid down my shirt, throwing it to the floor. The butterflies were fluttering in my stomach with a new force as I finally broke away and our eyes met. I had nothing left to hide. I was stark naked now. In your arms.
You brushed my hair away from my flushed face while taking a better look at me. You smiled again, and it suddenly occurred to me that I had never seen you smiling this much before, at least genuinely with happiness, not your cruel, childish grin. Was it because of me? Because I had come out from the bathroom to you? Because I was here with you?
Staring into your amethyst eyes, I lost the flow of my thoughts. But it didn't matter. Thinking was unnecessary. It only led to worrying, and worry ruined everything. I had to abandon my thoughts and live for the moment, never thinking about tomorrow.
It seemed so far, yet so close.
"Stop thinking so much" you whispered cutting off my contemplation. I blushed even more.
"I'm sorry." I couldn't even count how many times I had said that already this evening, although you didn't seem to care. Your hungry lips collided with mine with a newly revived passion while you grabbed my wrists and guided them to your still clothed chest. I started to fumble with your buttons uncertainly, but you encouraged me with a stroke of your tongue. Hurry, you said with you gestures, and I obeyed.
In a minute, your shirt was discarded and fell onto the floor next to mine. I ran my hand across your well-built, muscular chest, tracing every line from your collarbone to the waistband of your pants, eliciting coarse sounds from the depth of your throat. My heart swelled with pride to be able to make you moan and I smiled against your lips.
You laid back pulling me as well, then gently flipped us over, laying my head onto the pillows. You were on the top again, just like earlier, however, this time, I was facing you. We were equal, two semi-human beings engulfed in the passion of being together – and I felt this even more while you yanked down your pants and underwear with my help and hugged me to your naked body. No differences, just two people, two men, both escaping from the reality into each other's arms. From the cruel reality that was slowly creeping closer with the dawn of the new day. That dreaded day.
Before I could start sorting out these confusing thoughts, you bent closer to my ear and sighed softly, "My Toris..." Nothing more. And yet, these two little words sent sparkles of strange and inexplicable happiness down from tip to toe in my body.
"I'm... yours" I whispered back, even if my mind screamed against it. What about freedom? What about independence? Yes, I still wanted both of them – but there was another remaining void, a scarcity that followed me through my whole life like a shadow.
I missed love. The gentle, sweet feeling of being loved. And you were the only one who could fill this void. You could enlighten this shadow.
I raked my fingers through your hair and cupped your face into my palm. "Ivan..." I pleaded with teardrops on my eyelashes. You smiled understandingly, nuzzling into my hand.
o0o o0o o0o
IVAN: I watched you silently.
The wrinkles on the sheets formed two wing-like shapes on your sides, making you resemble an angel even more. My sweet, pure angel. Your chestnut-coloured hair was spread on the pillow in thin locks – I took one between my fingers and lifted it up to grace it with a kiss. Two emeralds followed my every action, moist, lust-filled gems on a crimson red face. Mouth open in a small moan as my movements cost a friction of our lower-bodies. "Ivan..." you whispered again on a tone that alone was enough for me to trigger an urge to take you immediately – and I would have gladly let myself do so, if a tiny voice that revived suddenly in the back of my mind didn't warn me to slow down. I grabbed your hand on my face and lifted it in front of my eyes.
Your wrist was bruised by my belt – painful reminders of the wrong path I had foolishly wanted to take. I whispered a small apology over your skin before stroking it with my lips. I would never hurt you again. I promised I would treat you like a real angel.
I kissed down on your arm, and then from your shoulder, I followed the same route as earlier – only I didn't stop at your nipple for longer than a simple caress. The lines of your lean muscles showed me the way towards your navel. You sighed as I planted kisses around the small hole on your perfect stomach, but I could feel you were starting to lose your patience, so I bent even more down to your length.
My lips framed the tip with an uncharacteristic delicacy, lingering lightly over the hot skin like feathers. I brushed away the small pearly drops with my tongue, only to feel them appear again and again with each movement. Your taste reminded me of our kisses – the sweetness of honey and the slight bitterness of cranberry filled my mouth, making me addicted forever. But I didn't mind this wonderful addiction – not now when I was sure you'd be always there to satisfy it.
I could feel your eyes on me as I was showering your entire member with kisses, so I glanced up to meet your gaze and the cautious little voice that warned me to be patient was silenced at once. Underneath your eyelashes, your look was clouded, your irises painted with a darker shade of emerald green, a brilliant colour I had never seen before, glinting even in the semi-darkness. I gave in – I let myself be led by your eyes, I let you capture me. If this was what you wanted, I'd be more than willing to give you anything.
After a last taste from your essence, I moved back to your neglected lips, dipping in your mouth immediately so that you could savour it as well. None of our kisses had been as passionate as this one – after our tongues stopped their heated dance, I could hardly breathe for a long second. You smiled contentedly, but the desire never disappeared from your eyes – not that I wanted it to disappear. Your burning lust was the thing that added fuel to my already raging fire – it made me warm again, full, alive.
You were the sunshine that fed the wilting sunflower of my heart.
I needed you. I had always needed you. Without you, I'd die, a slow, painful death of loneliness. A shadow that accompanied me through my entire life. Loneliness. My biggest fear.
Don't leave me.
I had not an ounce of patience left anymore, when I decided it was time to make you mine. I knew it would hurt, but I was worried that preparing you would evoke bad feelings, memories that I wanted you to forget. So I left a small kiss on your mouth before kneeling up between your legs.
In a manner that could hardly be considered "gentlemanly" – not that I cared or had another choice –, I spat into my palms and tried to slick my anxious cock up the best I could. The feeling of my own hands, though sometimes useful when I was alone, now was nothing compared to even your mere presence that was worth millions of these meaningless strokes.
"Let me help you."
For a long moment, I lost control over everything. It was like floating in the air, swimming in an endless ocean of pleasure. I was vaguely aware of your delicate, saliva-coated fingers moving up and down on me, skin on skin, intimate, heated, passionate. Hungry, impatient groans escaped from the depth of my throat, sounds that an animal makes when it smells the prey. You made me wild.
And yet, you managed to calm me immediately with a gentle kiss on my slightly open mouth. You felt my thirst and never let me stray from the good path. My guardian angel. My sweet, caring, thoughtful Toris.
I grinned excitedly against your lips and laid us back onto the bed softly, feeling more than ready to take you. I made you wrap your legs around my waist, comfortably but securely, and you tensed up underneath me, some fear mixing into the desire in your expression. "Relax, Toris..." I whispered after we broke the kiss, and the wrinkles on your forehead slowly smoothed, the corners of your mouth curled up into a small smile.
o0o o0o o0o
TORIS: I would lie if I said it hadn't hurt, when you pushed the tip of your length through my opening. I did hurt, a burning pain as my tight tunnel was trying to stretch to take you in, but it was only an insignificant fragment of discomfort compared to the enormous pleasure I already felt, even if it was just the beginning. Tears escaped my eyes as I closed them, with the image of your reassuring smile in my head. You were gentle and surprisingly patient with me, letting me to get accustomed to this new but wonderful feeling of completion. With every centimeter, you stopped for a moment to do something to make it better – a tender kiss, a caress, a whisper. And they really made the pain go away.
When you were inside me to the hilt, my earlier thoughts came into my mind again and, probably because of the sweet but – from my part – still embarrassing meaning of the situation, I involuntarily let out a small chuckle, mingled into the soft moans of lust and cries of pain. Incarnate metaphor… I smiled and opened my eyes to meet your curious glance.
"What's so funny?" you asked and I grinned even wider, cupping your face into my palms and placing a kiss onto the tip of your prominent nose.
"Thank you for filling the void in me, Ivan."
Whether you understood me or not, I didn't know. You simply returned the smile and reached up with one of your hands to remove mine from your cheek and twine our fingers together as you started to pull back.
Nothing could be compared to the feeling that your thrusts evoked in me. Your movements were tentative first, careful, as if wondering how much I could bear. They renewed my pain, but it died away in the euphoria of the gradually increasing pace and soon my breathing turned into panting, occasionally interrupted by squeals and moans – voices I had never produced before.
Suddenly, you hit a point that sent torrents of pleasure through my body up to my throat and burst out in a loud scream. I opened my eyes to search for your face, but I could only see whiteness everywhere. Heaven... it was the heaven I so firmly believed in, that beautiful, safe place where I wanted to be forever. My heaven.
You found that particular bundle of nerves in me again and again, touching it now with every thrust, sending me higher and higher into the skies. I felt blind, but I couldn't care less – I felt you, only you and your movements, and that was what counted. You pressed me to your warm chest as you were rocking us in a steady motion, never stopping, never losing the rhythm. I heard your groans too, more and more frequently, close to my ear, your breath tickling my skin and hair. Sweat dripped from your heated body and mixed with mine, soaking the sheets underneath us, but it didn't disturb our passionate dance. Your other hand that wasn't locked with mine resting on the pillow wandered down to my member.
I cried out. Fever. Hot, so hot, like flames were burning me, the fire of hell. Strange, I could never imagine that heaven and hell could exist together, simultaneously, and yet, they did. They were both revived in me by you. Heaven and hell, light and darkness, love and hatred, and every other banal feelings. All by you. All for you.
I reached the top. Warmth left me with an intense shudder and I felt drained. Empty, but not entirely, because I could still feel your last thrusts before you followed me to the summit of our passion. You released your sweet liquid into me with a growl, hugging me even closer to you. "I need you..." you whispered into my ear on a hoarse, not demanding but begging tone, then you buried your face into the crook of my neck as you carefully left me.
As my vision cleared from the afterglow of my orgasm, I looked at your silver blond head, slightly damp with sweat. You... you needed me. You didn't want me to leave. You managed to fulfil the emptiness in my heart and make me feel special. Loved.
Maybe I should give you a chance. You had just proved that you could be so gentle after all. Maybe I should really consider staying here, with you. We were the same, both in search for some warmth, some love that would protect us from loneliness.
Yes. Maybe I should never leave you.
o0o o0o o0o
IVAN: I woke up several hours later to a shiver that ran down on my spine caused by a nightmare I couldn't even recall. Opening my eyes, I glanced at the digital clock – according to its neon numbers, it was half past two in the morning and the eleventh of March.
Sighing, I sat up slowly to grab the blanket from the floor and then laid back next to you, covering ourselves. You never stirred from your dreams at my movement, not even when I hugged your small frame to me and rested my head in your chestnut hair. I inhaled deeply – you still smelled of lovemaking.
"My Toris..." I whispered so quietly even I could hardly hear myself. "My lovely angel..."
And then I drifted to sleep once again.
o0o o0o o0o
TORIS: "My lovely angel..."
I closed my eyes tightly. I was hearing your voice again, echoing in my head, making me dizzy, taking my breath away, increasing the pain in my heart. I pulled up my legs and buried my face into my palms, letting my tears flow down freely. For once, I was thankful for being alone.
"No!" I cried out, my shoulders trembling with the suppressed screams and sobs that wanted to overcome my body.
Thousands and thousands of knives wounded my heart as I tried to lock out every voice – my own shaky breathing, your sweet whispers and the monotone clacking sound that escaped through the window from outside and that was gradually making me mad.
What on earth was I thinking? I should go back… I really should go back before you woke up and noticed my absence. I wanted to go back…
Then why couldn't I?
"I need you..."
I betrayed you, your feelings, your... love. Yes, even if you had never said it, I could feel it from the way you'd hugged me, caressed me, kissed me... completed me. And I betrayed all of this, your care, your smiles, your hopes. Everything.
It was the price of my freedom. My independence that would surely be even bitterer than my days in your captivity.
But maybe you would find me again, in the future. Maybe tomorrow, maybe a decade later. You would find me, yes, and you would make me yours again. I couldn't go back now, I hoped you understood. I had to live freely, so that when that time comes, I would be able to-
"Please, don't leave me, Toris..."
I lifted my hands from my face and stared out through the window of the train, though I could hardly see the still bare fields from behind the curtains of my tears.
o0o o0o o0o
IVAN: I slammed the empty bottle at the wall that shattered into hundreds of shards and scattered on the floor. I didn't care. I didn't care about anything.
You betrayed me. You had lied to me, promised me you would stay, and then disappeared in the morning along with all your belongings without a single word. You had shamelessly feigned care and gentleness, so that you could shatter all my hopes into tiny pieces just like that glass. You had left me.
I grabbed another bottle, opened it with shaking fingers and drank half of the vodka in one gulp. The alcohol rushed into my head, covering my mind with blurriness, making me unable to think straight. You weren't here, my guardian angel was missing, there was no one to keep me on the right path and cover me with his protective wings…
The sunflower was left in an eternal darkness to wilt slowly to a lonely death.
Several emptied bottles later, I could hardly keep my consciousness, but I welcomed this unhealthy sleep with open arms. However, before everything went black, I'd made a silent promise to you, wherever you were at that instant, and to me as well…
I promised I would find you. And from that moment on, I would never let you leave my side.
A/N: Well, that's all. Let me know how you liked it. :)
Historical fact: In 1990, on the 11th of March, it was Lithuania (known as Lithuanian Soviet Socialist Republic at that time) who first declared its independence from the USSR.
Random trivia: This form with switching points of views was inspired by the novel "The Time Traveler's Wife" written by Audrey Niffenegger. Read that book, it's simply amazing.