So, finally took the plunge here and am posting something. Hope you all enjoy it. Huge thanks to all those that encouraged me to do it. BIG huge thank you to TheChickNorris for doing the beta work and holding my hand.
Life moves on no matter how some may wish it wouldn't. It's like a flash of pictures if you sit back and look at time gone by. There are the defining moments: the tragedy, the joyful, the peaceful lull that can precipitate either, or just the comfort of learning that you can't stave time off no matter what you do. The blush of youth gone, time marches on and sweeps you along with it.
As I sit back gazing out the window, at first seeing the white blanket of snow outside, it slowly changes into snapshots of my life. Seeing myself so young; the joy of finding what I thought was true love burning so bright, not realizing it was just a flash fire in my life. Having it change from bliss to what I thought was the end of me; the pain snaking through my body. For a time, my life felt over. Shaking my head slightly, the scene changes to me coming out of my lost state. I sigh softly as I realize how stupid I was in those months. Waking up and making some of the choices I did at the time, so foolish in my youth. But knowing even if I had the opportunity to go back and do it again I would do the same, to reach where I am now.
The friends I made, the family that came my way because of the time in my life I was at what I assumed then would be my lowest. Seeing time march on, the reflective glass seems opaque in my mind as I watch. The smile slowly coming back to me; moving on and learning that even if it felt like my life was over it wasn't and there were people and things to live for. Myself being the most prominent.
Slowly circumstances change once again to that which makes life seem that you really have hit rock bottom, you know that you can go no lower than in that moment. Coming to the knowledge that what you thought was the end, wasn't even close to the feeling you carry inside now. The death of one you love; that stabbing pain in your heart when you take on the blame for them being gone. Finding the will to move past that pain, remembering them asking for it with their last breath. I sit here now, not knowing where the strength came from to do what was asked; to look to my future, to find happiness once again, to live for him. But by god did I, in the hope that he was somewhere watching, knowing that I took each step for him. That morphed over time to taking each step with him next to me, if only in thought.
Smiling softly as I see myself in the opaque glass, remembering how I felt so old in those days, the youth of my face did not match the age that I felt. Fighting for what I knew I needed, the revenge that needed to come my way, and finally staring into the eyes of what then was a monster. She was. She was also lost; once upon a time she was a daughter, sister, friend, then lover, mate. She had had her heart ripped out, just like me. Did that stop me from wanting to see her gone from this planet? I am a big enough person to admit that no, it didn't. She needed that release as much as I. I can hope, if only in my mind, that she found peace and was reunited with her love.
Closing my eyes briefly, shutting out the flashing of my life in a window. I hear the popping of logs on the fire. Thinking about the peace that came with the ending, which turned faster than one would think into standing there with the knowledge of "what now?" ringing through my body. Too quickly, really just a matter of seconds, and there was an answer. It was just a moment of inattention for some, but for me the consequences led to the fire burning bright and hot. I guess to some I am lucky; I live, I love, and unlike most I remember.
Looking out the window once again, I absentmindedly notice the snow is deeper. I catalog in my mind the time I have been sitting here. It once again goes opaque as my mind darts back to that time long ago. Having your eyes opened for the first time and seeing the world around you with clear eyes. Learning that somehow, your luck has changed and the family you love is still yours.
Eventually you have to move on, new circumstances force you to despite what you would prefer. You change and evolve, not realizing it will bring you to where you needed to be all along. I let out a chuckle as that first meeting comes to mind. So out of the norm, not knowing then how to react, just feeling like I had run into a crazy brick wall. Listening in that moment as he spouted shit that made no sense to anyone but him at the time. Learning over time to listen and not try to kill him every time his mouth opened. Ending up being so grateful that no matter what happened or was said, I will always love him, always defend, always name him family.
I let out a laugh as time changes once more, showing a new scene of my history in the opaque glass. Knowing it will attract attention in the here and now; bringing someone to my side. I let the memories of happy times, certain faces that showed the shock of discovery, the meeting of families. Traveling to places I only dreamed of at one point in my life, before the rough road began.
Then, that most defining moment, meeting the one who will truly be your heart. You may wish you had realized sooner, as I'm sure they would too. But really, the hard road taken to get there was needed. Some don't realize until it's too late that easy isn't always for the best. The struggles, challenges overcoming all odds-that's what makes it worth it, makes it so you can stand next to each other and face anything that comes your way. If it's all roses and lullabies there's isn't a strong enough foundation, and it will crumble as if built on sand at the tests life throws at you.
I see as once again I get thrown into turmoil, finding out lies, deceit, hidden things that affected my life with out my knowledge. Finding in my heart that I needed to let it all go, after a time, or it would eat me alive. Finding that in the eyes I fell into, I was able to step aside from the anger. What was the point? It brought me here in the end, to what truly is my life, my meaning on this earth we call home. Finding my love, a love built on truth, care, understanding, a real connection of souls, not a flash fire that burns bright only to fizzle out.
Hearing the quiet footsteps approaching, I sit back with a small smile curving my mouth, thinking and seeing the happy moments flash by. Some not so happy as we struggled to find, embrace and move on to where we are now. Sensing the presence behind me, I wait, knowing to have patience. I feel hands on my shoulders first, feel them slide down my arms, until I am wrapped in an embrace.
"What has you laughing Darlin'?" my eyes slide closed as the whisper sounds in my ear.
"Just thinking about life, how we got here," I answer, shivering as his breath ghosts across me. Turning in his arms, I gaze into his golden eyes with my own.
"I wouldn't change a thing." I reach up and cup a hand over his cheek, rubbing a finger across one his scars. "It was all worth it. You're worth it Jasper." Giving him back the words he said to me so long ago.
I watch the slow smile curve his lips as he speaks, "You are too, Bella. Always."