Warning: Same as before.
The Blight overran us at Ostagar, the reinforcements withdrew from the field and left us there to die. That hardened me, more than anyone could imagine. Battered and beat, no hope left in anyone, I fled to Lothering. I had only been gone a month and I was running back to my brother for protection which he willingly gave without prejudice.
He shames me with his kindness constantly.
We only managed to stay for a week before we had to flee, going to Kirkwall where my brother would eventually become known as the Champion. Perfect for him by far, but this is before then. Before getting to what would eventually be our home. Bethany died, trying to protect mother from an ogre. My brother felled the beast with very little help from my or even from our friend Aveline. My anger was misplaced and I blamed my brother for her death, if he could kill it so easily why hadn't he done it sooner? Such silly musings. Sadly he blamed himself as well and I felt awful for doing that to him, it was not his fault at all.
I knew it then, even with my overzealous belief of my brother's ability.
And our first year at Kirkwall wasn't all sunshine and rainbows either. We were forced into servitude by some dick Meeran. I can't be completely upset at him, it was my uncle Gamlen's fault but I can't really be upset at him either. It was just another thing I blamed blindly on my brother. I could see that my anger killed Hawke on the inside, yet I couldn't stop myself. I loved him, and he still loved me, but we weren't together. We couldn't be.
Maybe my anger drove him away, maybe he knew something I didn't, but either way he found himself a new lover of a sort. An elf. Their story isn't mine to tell but I know my brother was crazy over him, and I was still crazy over my brother. It hurt to see them together, even though most days they were at one another's throats trying to decide who should be playing leader. I wanted to win him back but no matter what I did he gently shot me down. I knew then I had to get away from my brother in order to get over him.
We planned to join a dwarf, Bartrand, on an expedition to the Deep Roads. With help from his brother and the friends we met along the way we managed to pull together the 50 sovereigns needed. The night before the expedition's start I talked with my brother. It was hard to do it, but I knew I had to.
"I'm going to join the Templars after we come back from the expedition." I said with my bravest face that I could muster.
My brother looked at me, the pain in his eyes screaming out to me but he never spoke it. "The templars? Carver I… is that wise? Is that what you want?"
I wanted to hug him and take it back but I knew I couldn't. I wouldn't allow myself to. "Yes brother, I'm sure it's what I want. I'm not going to insult your intelligence with the whole "I need to find my own way" rantings anymore. I still do want to find my own way, but I have to do it away from you. I can't sit by and watch you with another man and not be jealous. I need to get over you, for my sanity, for your's. I love you, but you don't love me anymore. Not like you used to."
My brother sat down on the floor, his head in his hands and looking as though he was about to cry. Perhaps he was crying, I don't remember. In a moment of weakness I knelt next to him and hugged him tightly. Mother and Gamlen could have walked in on us at any moment but I suppose my brother didn't care at that moment. He kissed me tenderly.
We didn't make love, just kissed. Swallowing the lump in my throat I crawled up to my bunk. "Good night brother." was the last thing I said to him.
I never made it to the Templar Order, obviously. While in the Deep Roads I contracted the Taint. If it hadn't been for Anders I would probably be a half-eaten carcass in the Roads, or worse. If you could get any worse than that. I never thanked him for that, I will never get the chance now but I hope he knows how grateful I am to him.
And if it weren't for my brother… He basically demanded Stroud to take me into the Grey Wardens. I hated my brother for doing that at first. I wanted to be a Templar so I would at least be in the same city as he was, but this was definitely for the better.
I saw my brother after I became a Grey Warden. I was pissed off at him still so I declined talking to him. Despite the time constraints Stroud admonished me for not taking a moment to tell my brother I didn't totally hate him. "After all," Stroud told me, "you or he could die at any moment." I knew he was right, but I also knew my brother wouldn't allow either of us to die without a final good bye. It is as though he has a sixth sense when someone he cares for he dying.
It was a week after seeing my brother during the Arishok attack when I got word of mother's death from Gamlen. I didn't give my brother even a moment to tell me about it. In a way I'm glad he didn't. It would have only soured the thirty seconds I had with my brother. And I would have blamed him for something he could not control.
The last time I saw my brother was when he was Champion, when he helped the Circle against Meredith. Not the templars mind you, just Meredith. She was fucking insane, even the Maker was looking at her in distaste I'm sure. I'm getting off track. I helped my brother in the battle against her. After all the animosity and hate between us he wanted me by his side as we took her down.
After we left Kirkwall after defeating the hag I was the first to leave the group to get back here to the Wardens. That and I couldn't face my brother in a one-on-one situation. I still love him, I'm crazy over him. That's why I can't be with you Nate. You see now don't you? Why I didn't, couldn't, get close to you?
I could see myself with you, loving you, but not when I need my brother's love as I do. Forgive me. Breaking up by letter probably isn't what you would have saw for us, probably isn't what you saw coming but that is how it is.
Nathaniel finished reading the letter, placing the pages down on the ground at his feet and sighing. It explained a lot, it really did. Carver was in love with his brother to the point where it was a disease. Worse than even than Taint. He swallowed hard and got off his seat by the fire, pacing around and ignoring the stares from his fellow Wardens. He mauled the story over in his head, picking the pages up again and heading towards Carver's tent.
He needed to talk to him personally. As he entered the tent he caught a surprised Carver off guard and nearly had his head taken off with the young man's sword. Realizing who it was Carver blushed, laying his weapon down carefully on his cot. "Nate, please don't right now."
His voice was pleading, begging even but Nathaniel refused to bend. He reached out and grabbed the boy's hand, waving the pages in his other hand. "You say you can see yourself loving me, so do it. It's odd that you see your brother that way but I don't care about that. Even if he wasn't your brother I can understand why you are afraid to move on. You never forget your first love, I'm willing to work with it."
Carver swallowed hard, taking the pages from Nate's hands and dropping them on the ground. "Are you really?" he asked, his voice timid compared to Nate's.
"Yes really. While in Amaranthine I never thought I would find love, but I did Carver and I refuse to let it go. Not without a fight. If I lose at least I will know I tried. I can't compete with the Champion of Kirkwall, but I'll try." Carver's eyes welled with tears as Nathaniel spoke, he wiped them away hurriedly and rested his head on the senior Warden's chest.
"All right, I'm willing to try if you are, Nate."
I ended up just dolling it up a bit.
Working on chapter three, it'll be out eventually. I'm shooting to make this a five chapter story.