That's what the nurse told him as he went to the station and asked for his room. His hands were shaking, either out of rage or out of relief that he was still alive. How was he going to handle this? What was he going to say to him as he walked down the hallway, the florescent lights above him blinking slightly as the recycled air filled his nose. His hair on his arms and legs were on edge, his breath was shallow, and his head was spinning. He felt this before, only when they would kiss and whisper sweet nothings to each other, hold each other close and make the other sigh. But this time the mood was not of love, but of fear and anxiety. He should of stayed away from him, he should give him his space, but he can't. He had to see him.
He had to see Beethoven.
CB was never one to show his true feelings to another person, maybe a fling or two with Marcy or a insult to his sister. But this, this was something he never encountered before, and it shook him to his core. Beethoven almost died, well that's what CB thought when he heard the news from Marcy. She heard what happened in the music room and ran for help when Matt ran off. He was suspended for a mere week, something CB thought was utter bullshit. He needed to leave Beethoven alone, and his friendship with him was instantly over. Matt showed a side of him that CB never saw before, sure he would see him tease and taunt others in the past, mainly Beethoven. In recent events, however, that side of Matt came through and almost made CB hate him.
CB hated him, he really did.
Not only for what he did to Beethoven but breaking his hands, but from what he did in the past. CB was living a lie, a life he wanted to believe in. Thank God, or whoever was up there, for Beethoven for opening his eyes and showing him it was fine to be different, more than fine even. All hell broke loose when Snoopy died, so in some weird way Snoopy held them all together for at a time when they were young. Oh Snoopy, CB thought as he approached the room, I wish you were here. You would of cheered me up. Why did you have to die?
CB opened the door slowly, hearing a steady beeping on the heart monitor as he saw there was only one bed in the whole room. The room was light, since the window was open and a light breeze was coming into the room. CB walked in slowly, thinking he was waiting for something to snap him out of this dream. It felt like a dream to him, nothing like this should happen in real life.
There was Beethoven, laying on his bed and the first thing CB sees, or the first thing his eyes are drawn to, are his hands. Both of them bound up in gauze and looking rather puffy. CB felt his heart break, remembering seeing his hands before. How they would play on the piano like they were meant to be there, or seeing his fingers trace his arms when they would kiss. That broke his heart even more as he walked over slowly, thinking if he ran he would wake him and the mood, the peace, the silence would be lost.
Beethoven looked so peaceful in his bed, asleep and his head tilted to the side slightly. His breathing was heavy, showing that he was asleep as CB walked over to the side of the bed where his head was tilted at. The way his lips were soft, his cheeks warm and the dark circles under his eyes, CB knew he was home then as he grabbed a spare chair and sat next to him. If only he could take his hand, but he couldn't. He loved holding his hand, it was his safety net, his firm grasp of reality.
What should I do?, CB asked himself as he looked at Beethoven's face. He then placed his hand gently on Beethoven's head, near his hair and by his cheek. He felt cold, something that CB hated. Beethoven was always warm, when they would talk, fight, kiss, or even when they had sex. He was always warm, reminding him of childhood, how wonderful it was and how great those days were They were best friends then, but nothing stays the same to him. This coldness CB was feeling on Beethoven, it wasn't something he liked.
Just staring at him made everything CB thought about romance, infatuation, and life even more clear and more of a crisp view. Before he kissed Beethoven, something that wasn't a mistake in his eyes, he was in a blur almost. He went from one party to another, trying to find himself and trying to find meaning after Snoopy was gone.
Beethoven opened his eyes, and just seeing his eyes again made CB feel whole again, not completely, but whole non the less. He wanted to smile at him, but something inside of him felt like that would be the wrong thing to do, so he only sat there in his chair and he looked, seeing that his hand was still on Beethoven's head. Hesitantly, CB pulled it away and placed it in his lap, fidgeting in his seat as he still saw Beethoven looking at him.
"What are you doing here?" Beethoven asked aloud, that tone almost striking him with a knife through his chest. it was soft, but also like denial, like he shouldn't be seeing CB there at his bedside. CB looked at him from his spot, know thinking that it was a bad idea to see him at the hospital.
"I came to see you." He simply replied, seeing Beethoven say or do nothing in his hospital bed.
"How did you-" Beethoven started to ask, his voice was raspy and soft, but CB beat him to it.
"Marcy told me. She saw you after what Matt..." CB trailed off, not wanting to say it and feel anger rise through him. Beethoven could somewhat sense it and he nodded his head, looking down at his hands. As his eyes settled on his hands, CB could see a wave of sadness coming through his eyes and tears threatening to leaving his eyes onto his cheeks.
"I'll never play again." He said in a low tone, almost like he was about to be in tears. CB wanted to defy it, wanted to hold him close and tell him all would be alright, but he was glued to his chair.
"Sure you will." he said in a softer tone, seeing Beethoven shake his head.
"No, I won't." he said in a lower tone, now his tone of voice was on the border of anger and rage.
"Beethoven, you will play again." CB said aloud to him in more confidence.
"You don't get it, CB! Playing the piano was the only thing I had going on in my life!" Beethoven said in a rage to CB, his voice ringing in the hospital room. CB shook from the sound of his voice, filled with despair, rage and hate on the tip of his tongue.
"Stop being dramatic, Beethoven! You're hands are going to heal and you'll play again, it's not the end of the damn world!" CB yelled at him back and he could see Beethoven trying to deny it. Sometimes CB hated Beethoven's child-like rants and how he thought about things, mostly on how the two of them can't be together. It was like he was in denial, trying to be realistic and not see past the tip of his own nose.
"It is for me!" Beethoven said in retaliation. CB scoffed, seeing Beethoven give him death glares.
"Oh please, I know for a fact that is not true." CB said to him to in return in almost a challenging tone, "Just because you can't for awhile, doesn't mean you can't enjoy listening to it."
"It's not the same." Beethoven said in a huff, looking defeated in his bed. CB could tell he didn't want to fight anymore and he looked down at his backpack by his foot on the floor. he reached into the first pocket and pulled something out of it, a slim CD case and placed it in his lap. He wanted to give him a mixed CD he made after the party, something he made of music that reminded him of Beethoven. After he listened to Beethoven's CD, he made his own. It was almost like their own little secret with each other, their won way of expressing their feelings.
"What's that?" Beethoven asked aloud, looking at the CD with a hint of curiosity, but CB could tell he was still angry. CB smiled slightly and shrugged.
"I...uh...I made you a mix CD." He said in a small laugh, finding how silly it was. He was being silly, making CD's, thinking of Beethoven and his lips on his, and how unusual it was. But how great it was too, he loved it, every single once of it.
"You...you did?" He heard from the bed, and he looked up from his lap, feeling as thought he wasn't worthy of looking at Beethoven. Beethoven looked surprised, and CB could of sworn he saw a hint of warmth coming back onto his face. CB smiled a bit wider as he nodded his head and scratched the back of his neck nervously.
"After that night at the party, when I went home and got a ear-full from my sister, I made a mix CD of all of the songs that remind me of you." CB explained to him as he placed the CD on the nightstand next to the hospital bed. As he did this, his eyes were on Beethoven, and Beethoven's eyes were on the CD like he just saw an alien or something like that.
"I don't know if you're into any other music other than classical, but there's a couple of good songs that...I don't know...you might like, and If you don't then I get it it;s stupid and cheesy and dumb-" CB rambled on, trying to find the words to say something, anything to show that he still cared about Beethoven. But he suddenly stopped as he saw Beethoven's eyes on him, since his eyes were on his lap and hands the whole time he rambled.
There was silence for a mere second or two between them, but to CB it felt like two hours, too long for him, or wither of them to be honest, to not say a single word to each other. It was awkward all over again, and they were never awkward to each other. Even when they were kids and best friends, nothing was awkward between them. But at that moment, when no one said a word or moved a inch, CB felt exposed. He hated that feeling of being exposed, somehow knowing how Beethoven was feeling when he was teased and taunted.
"Can you say something please, cause you're scaring the shit of me not saying anything to me." CB asked him in almost a laugh but it came out desperate. he wanted Beethoven to yell, scream, thank, mourn, anything to him, to get the silence away from them both. But Beethoven only looked at him, not in shock or hate, but with a small smile on his face. It was like they were alone again, at either one of their houses, wrapped in each other's arms and security.
"If my hands weren't broken, I would of kissed you already." Beethoven said to him in a small but noticeable grin. CB smiled, his insides were all warm and he felt like he was as light as a feather as beethoven told him that. That was in fact a surprise, seeing Beethoven being so forward to him intimate wise. CB then got up from his chair and leaned over Beethoven, hovering over his lips and seeing a small smile on his face appear.
"You don't need your hands to kiss me." He whispered, thinking talking out loud would ruin the moment. He pressed his lips squarely on Beethoven's lips, hearing him sight slightly as he held it. God did he miss kissing him, it was like tasting the sweetest candy for the first time in his life. Beethoven's lips were always so soft compared to his, and when he placed both of his hands on Beethoven's neck, he could feel the soft skin and the pulse underneath it racing. CB was on cloud nine, he could die then and there and be happy, it was that great of a kiss.
He pulled away and rested his forehead against Beethoven's forehead, closing his eyes and breathing in Beethoven. He would usually smell of Old Spice, a hint of toothpaste mint, and small sampling of wood from the piano. But there in the hospital those scents weren't evident, and CB hated it. He smelled like recycled air and gauze, not the usual scent Beethoven would harbor.
"I missed you." CB whispered to him, stroking his neck in somewhat of a loving manner. Beethoven nodded his head against his, making CB smiled slightly and keep his eyes closed.
"You have no idea how much I've missed you." Beethoven whispered back, then kissing him again. CB sighed as he sat on the bed, carefully avoiding his hand and kissing him back at the same time. Beethoven tried to lean in and kiss him harder, but he suddenly pulled away and gasped, CB looking at him with concern.
"Damn my hands." Beethoven said in a small laugh as he looked down, CB looked as well still keeping his hands on Beethoven's neck. He felt a sting of guilt going through him, seeing that damage his ex friend did on Beethoven.
"If I would of known what Matt was going to do..." CB trailed off, feeling hate coming through him, but Beethoven shook his head in CB's hands, having CB look at him and see the seriousness in his eyes.
"You had no idea, no one did." Beethoven replied back to him.
"I should of stayed though, I could of made him leave you alone." CB argued aloud, but Beethoven shook his head again.
"This was not your doing, CB. We all knew Matt was being...well..." Beethoven trailed off, trying to find a good word to use.
"A dick?" CB asked in almost a growl, Beethoven shrugged and nodded his head.
"Sure, a dick. But CB, no one saw that coming, I didn't even. I'm still breathing and I'm going to be okay now." Beethoven said aloud to him in a reassuring tone. CB sighed and nodded his head, trying to calm down, But there was still a burning hate for Matt and what he did to Beethoven.
"You know, after I was admitted into the hospital two days ago, I wanted to kill myself." CB looked up from his spot to Beethoven, seeing how calm he was when he said that to CB. He looked so peaceful in his bed, his neck cradled by CB since CB never wanted to let him go anymore. Why would he think like that? CB thought in his head as he waited for him to say something else.
"I only thought about myself, and what I was going to do since my hands were broken. But I had this weird dream, well it wasn't really that weird to me, but none the less." Beethoven explained aloud to him, and CB dropped his hands on his neck down to his arms, placing them there and Beethoven smiled.
"I had a dream that when we were younger, playing baseball for the team. I remember I didn't know how to hit the ball, and Lucy was giving me hell for that." Beethoven smiled, making CB smile as he remembered Lucy yelling at him.
"I wanted to quit, since Lucy was being mean and Linus was trying to explain how to throw it properly. But then you came up to me and showed me how to hit it." Beethoven explained some more, a small smile was still on his face. CB did remember that day, when they were so young and Beethoven wanted to quit. This was before Lucy was infatuated with him, more angry with him for not being perfect like she was. But CB showed him with patience, since he thought that was the best way to go.
"I don't know CB, but ever since you kissed me in the music room, things weren't making sense to me anymore. I thought I could keep my head down and just get through high school, never looking back and just going forward. I didn't want to be seen or heard to confronted by anyone, but I guess that changed when you kissed me." Beethoven explained to him. CB stayed silent, not knowing what to say. He was always predictable, always doing what others thought was normal and just regular. But what Beethoven was saying, it wasn't him. it didn't sound like him, not at all, but he did change since he kissed him in the music room.
"CB, what I'm trying to say in all of this, is that because of you, I didn't kill myself. You made me think, CB, more than anyone ever did in my own life. I don't want to hide anymore, I don't want to think of myself as anyone or anything else. I'm not afraid." Beethoven said to him in a soft tone, CB smiling widely at him from what he was hearing. He laughed a little bit to himself, and Beethoven raised an eyebrow at him.
"What?" He asked him in a hint of surprise in his voice. CB shook his head, still smiling and looking back at him.
"Nothing. It's just...Lucy's right. I'm so predictable, well, up till now at least." He said in a small laugh. Beethoven was silent for a moment or two, but then he laughed with him as well, feeling the room getting warmer and lighter form their laughter. They then heard a knock on the door, seeing a nurse there with a small smile on her face.
"I'm sorry, but visiting time is over and he need to visit our physician." She said in a sweet grin, making CB's heart break instantly. He didn't want to leave him, not here in the hospital. But he smiled and nodded his head at her.
"I'll give you a minute." She said to him, going back out the door. CB looked back at Beethoven, seeing him looking just as sad as he did. He smiled slightly, trying not to show he was sad and he leaned in, kissing him one more time softly. Beethoven gasped, kissing him a bit harder, making CB clutching his arms slightly harder as he kissed back. He didn't want to stop kissing him, it was too hard for him to pull away now as the kiss got intense. But reluctantly he pulled away only slightly, still close enough to breathe him in and feel his breath on his lips.
"I'll come by tomorrow. You want anything from your house?" he asked in a low tone, still close enough to kiss him. Beethoven shook his head against CB's head, a small smile was on his face. But CB felt like he had to say something serious to him, had to make sure he knew what CB was feeling for him.
"I'm promising you, that I won't ever let Matt come near you ever again, you understand me?" He said in almost a vow, seeing Beethoven almost cry on the spot and nod his head. CB nodded his head and placed a chaste kiss on his lips.
"I love you." Beethoven murmured against his lips as CB clutched his arms to hold tight to this reality, making CB's heart skip a beat when he heard that. He smiled against his lips. FInally all made since to him, being there with Beethoven, and kissing him like his life was nothing more than the young man there with him.
"I love you too." He merely replied.
And he did love him back.
Hey guys, leave me a review and let me know how I did. I didn't want him to commit suicide, and I thought they were amazing in the play!