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A Different Kind of Kogan

I have a secret. I am living a lie. I am harboring feelings for one of my brother's best friends. I, Katie Knight, have a crush on Logan Mitchell.

I'm not even sure when I had first developed my crush. All I know is that one day, and I don't even remember when that day was, I suddenly thought that Logan was hot. Maybe it was after he had gone through puberty in ninth grade. Or maybe it was before that even. Maybe it was when he had switched from reading glasses to contact lenses in middle school.

As smart as Logan is, and he is brilliant, he is the same as any other guy; he is an idiot. I wouldn't be surprised if Logan had no idea that I even liked him like I did. I am a shy person. I made sure I was extra careful when I was around him. I was always watching how I talked to him or how I acted around him. I couldn't let him know how I felt about him because I was afraid that it would forever damage the friendship that I have now with him, and I'm not sure I wanted to jeopardize that. I mean I would much rather have Logan in my life as my friend than not at all.

Honestly, I resent Camille. I like her and everything, don't get me wrong. It's just that I don't think she's right for Logan. The two of them have next to nothing in common. She has a flare for the dramatic while Logan is shy like me. Like Kendall, James, and Carlos, Camille could easily persuade Logan into doing whatever she wanted to do. I wouldn't do that to him. If he didn't want to do something, then I would respect that.

If I'm being perfectly honest with myself, Logan is the perfect guy for me. I always envisioned myself being with someone who could keep up with me intellectually, and I was a pretty smart girl, and not just for a ten-year-old. The only person I know who is smarter than me is Logan himself.

As far as looks go, Logan's got those too in spades. It's not just my words or my actions that I'm worried about when I'm near him; it's my body's reactions. The boy has the most amazing smile in the world that makes me have butterflies in my stomach every time I see it. His face is so attractive with his hair that is slightly spiked up in the front that I often find myself averting my gaze when I'm around him.

Then there's the fact that out of all my brother's friends, Logan is the sanest one. In fact, he may even be more sane than Kendall. Logan is the most rational one. He is the most sensible one. Plus, he's just so sweet, innocent, and all-around adorable that you can't really blame me for having a crush on him.

I like the fact that Logan is so shy. He isn't an open book, and there's something thrilling about someone so mysterious. You never really quite know what's going on in that beautiful head of his and therein lies the appeal. Plus, getting Logan to come out of his shell is a challenge, and who doesn't love a good challenge?

Logan is quirky but not in an annoying way, but a cute way. He is so scared of everything. That is refreshing. Usually, in a relationship, the guy is the one to comfort and be strong for the girl. With Logan, I could comfort him and show him there's nothing to be scared of, all the while knowing that he'd do the exact same for me. There's something exciting about having that kind of a mutual relationship with a guy.

Logan has a weak bladder. It's actually really adorable. Out of all the people I know, Logan frequents the bathroom the most. Apparently, according to Kendall at least, Logan has to interrupt rehearsal periodically because nature calls. Even at concerts, there are frequent potty breaks scheduled with Logan in mind.

Logan is indecisive. I love that about him. I love the way that he chews on his bottom lip or his fingernails when he is nervous or unsure about something. It's so precious to hear him waver between two things out loud. That usually is followed by him talking so fast that he starts rambling.

He has sensitive ears. Normally, I would pull on the ears of Kendall, James, or Carlos when I want them to do something or when I want them to stop doing something. Or I would hit them or slap them upside their head. I usually try to avoid doing those kinds of things to Logan though because whereas with the others I don't care whether I hurt them or not, I don't want to hurt Logan.

Whenever we would have to break up in groups, I always made a point to not be in Logan's group. I just didn't trust myself around him. I didn't want to make things unnecessarily awkward for me. I have always wondered though if Logan thought anything about me never teaming up with him. Surely he has to find that at least a little suspicious. Or maybe he doesn't. I don't know. After all, he's still a boy. He's smart, but he still can be an idiot.

I only view two people as being like a big brother to me: Kendall and James. Kendall for obvious reasons. James because he's always looking out for me much like older brothers look out for their little sisters. The time with Jake comes readily to mind. I don't view Logan as a big brother though, and I'm sure part of the reason is because I have a crush on him, and it would be too weird to have a crush on someone you view as a brother.

I wouldn't have to worry about my parents not liking Logan because they already love him. My mom, in particular, seems to be especially fond of Logan. I know she's not supposed to have favorites, but I think that out of all Kendall's friends, Logan is her favorite. She's always helping him when he comes to her and even when he doesn't. He always goes to her for advice, and she's always eager to give it. I mean she does that with James and Carlos too, but not like she does with Logan.

There's only one bathroom in Apartment 2J, so naturally, I've seen Logan get dressed or just get out of the shower before. All I have to say about that is, "Good Lord, is that boy fine!" I'm a pretty sneaky person when I want to be, and I'll admit that unbeknownst to Logan, I've peeked in on him whilst he was changing or having finished taking a shower. I can't help myself really.

I am so incredibly proud of Logan; much more than I probably have a right to be. He hasn't been out in L.A. all that long, and already he has made tremendous strides. It's not all too surprising though. He is a hard worker. He always gives everything one hundred and ten percent.

Back when he was a freshman in high school, he joined choir along with Kendall, James, and Carlos even though he couldn't sing. Sure he could rap and beat box, but he couldn't carry a tune if his life depended on it. Look at him now though. He has the voice of an angel. I think even Gustavo is starting to recognize that because Logan is getting more singing parts than he used to get when they first started. I find that my favorite BTR songs are the ones where Logan has solos, and the more solos, the better.

Logan still isn't much of a dancer, but he is steadily improving. It doesn't help matters that he is somewhat of a klutz. He'd find some way to trip over his own feet when he was on a completely level surface. He has these really cool acrobatic tricks though, which in my opinion, he doesn't do enough of. The way he could make his body do practically whatever he wanted it to while in mid-air is nothing short of amazing.

But you know what hurts the most? The fact that he is still so hung up on Camille. I don't understand it at all. She committed the ultimate act of betrayal when she cheated on Logan with James. I was practically jumping for joy on the inside when Logan called it quits with Camille after discovering that she and James had kissed. I mean Logan's a forgiving guy, so naturally, he forgave Camille, but were I him, I wouldn't even have done that; Camille doesn't deserve Logan's forgiveness. It's just so unbelievably frustrating; even when Logan and Camille aren't together together, they are still together. He always keeps going back to her.

So, instead I watch from afar hoping that some day he will come to his senses and realize that Camille is all wrong for him. Call me old-fashioned, but I feel like the guy should be the one to make the first move if he likes a girl. He should be the one to ask her out. I know there's an age difference, but the fact that he doesn't seem to be interested in me that way is all the answer I need.

The truth of the matter is that I don't have a lot of friends. Aside from the guys, I really don't have any other friends. I don't understand why either. I have plenty of endearing qualities. Often, people mistake my shyness for something else; me being anti-social. I'm not anti-social! It's just…I don't even know. I guess I have trust issues. I mean I had tons of friends back in Minnesota, but in the blink of an eye, I had to say goodbye to them all, and now I have no one.

We stayed in touch at first, but it got to a point where it seemed like I was doing all the work; I was the only one making an effort. Every time I would call them out on that, they would get mad at me and deny it. I kind of think they're still mad at me because they aren't even trying to contact me anymore. Oh well. Their loss.

Anyways, so I could put myself out there and make new friends all over again, but what's the point? What if I have to move again? Then I'll have to say goodbye to them just like I did my friends in Minnesota. After that, history will probably repeat itself. So what is the point? Besides, I don't need friends. I have the guys, and you know what? That's good enough for me.

I could probably put myself out there and tell Logan how I feel about him too, but honestly, I'm too scared to do that. I mean what if he doesn't like me back? What if it ruins my friendship with him? What if he can't even stand to look at me anymore afterwards? Why should I have to be the one to put myself out there anyways? Why can't he? I'm fooling myself if I think that I don't know the answer to that. What Logan and I have…it's an unrequited love. Girl likes guy. Guy doesn't like girl. But he does like another girl. Why is love so complicated?

I know I'm in love with Logan. That was never in question. And I know I'm only ten years old, but I do know what love is. I mean I know how he makes me feel when I'm around him. Forget butterflies; I have dragons flapping around inside my stomach when I'm around him. Depending on his proximity, I suddenly forget the most elementary of things like how to breathe. My cheeks heat up, my palms get all sweaty, my heart races. When I'm in the same room as Logan, I find myself seeking him out to see where he is and what he's doing; I can't control my eyes around him. When I'm away from Logan, I long to see him again, and I don't feel complete until I do.

But he's not in love with me. I think deep down, I know that. It doesn't change things though. It doesn't stop me from feeling how I feel about him. I will always love Logan. I will always hold onto the hope that perhaps someday, he will change how he feels about me; that the way I feel about him will be the exact same way he feels about me. Still though, a part of me feels like it's a fool notion. I'm just wasting my time. I should pursue something more…realistic. The reality is that Logan probably only sees me as Kendall's kid sister and nothing more.

I felt something damp trickle down my cheek. I dabbed at it with my finger. I held my finger up to the light and saw that it was a tear. I was crying because of Logan and what probably never will be.

The End